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AIBU?

Move house for DH's new job?

141 replies

Chocstar · 06/12/2019 10:37

My DH has a new job quite a long way from where we live. I think it's best for the children (one of whom has special needs, so lots of things are in place for DC at current school) to stay at the school, where they're thriving, and for my DH to live away during the week. DH wants us all to move. I think we should do what's best in everyone's interests, not just in one person's interest. AIBU to think it'll be best for the children and I to stay where we are?

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AIBU

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andpancakesforbreakfast · 06/12/2019 17:33

I read somewhere moving Schools/Areas puts children behind by about 1 School year or so

not sure where you read that, that's not something I ever heard or even experienced.

It's usually the opposite... but it is true it depends on the child, the schools, the family support. You just can't say it put children behind, it's simply not true. Even when they go to a different language school!

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Fullyhuman · 06/12/2019 17:34

Try it. Only you and he will know if it works or doesn’t for your relationship and your family. His job absolutely is not more important than yours meeting yourchildren’s needs.

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TreeSwayer · 06/12/2019 17:44

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to move a child settled in a school that fits their needs.

My Dad worked abroad a lot for his job. I think that is harder as it is so unpredictable, here one week, gone for 4 days, back for 2 weeks off for 2 weeks, back for 2 days, off for 5 days. Mum was the constant but she did work full time.

I think knowing a parent is gone Mon morning till Fri evening each week is a constant. There is skype/facetime etc allowing people to stay in touch so easily. Video messages for the children are great for feeling connected.

I think it is a dip your toe situation, see how it goes for the next six months. He could rent a room/lodger type situation to begin with.

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Witsend101 · 06/12/2019 17:59

In your position I wouldn't move unless I had no choice. The children are settled in school and moving house and school would be a nightmare. I wouldn't rock the boat. Your husband has different priorities to you and it sounds like you could make it work if he was away during the week with 4 months at home during the year. You could trial it and review if it's not working.

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ShristmasChopper · 06/12/2019 23:11

@dottiedodah if that is true then all kids in Service families must be very disadvantaged. Especially those that move every 2 years.

I don't disagree thst moving can have an impact but not always a negative one.

@Chocstar I think you've already decided you wont be moving anytime soon. I've faced this decision a few times and done both. Currently doing the long distance thing. Dh away and me at home. Yep I'm totally capable and getting on very ok and weekends are good quality family time most weekends BUT after a while the downside is lack of time for proper discussion or having dh's full input and engagement with some things I want him to be involved in. Even general diy etc. Most i can do myself and what I can't, I get a man in, but sometimes a repair job becomes an option for a home improvement and he simply does not have the time to join in with choosing or giving his input to a project or decoration or job.
The weekends become so sacred and kids promised or looking forward to xyz by habit we've lost the routine of dealing with mundane shit together. Its hard to explain because it does not sound like a loss but it has become the one thing I miss. Mundane shit as a couple is what we've lost!

Having done the relocation and stsaying put a few times i would say you don't need to make a solid decision at this stage. Just be open to possibilities. Dont be so closed to one decision.
Once your dh gets settled he will get to know areas and localities better. Colleagues may share school and community info. He/You both may become aware of good opportunities/possibilities of life in the area of his job. Keep an open mind. Research possibilities. Youve got all the time in the world to research a new life in the new location. There is no rush and you may find you come to a natural and more informed decision. I don't disagree getting special needs help won't be easy or straightforward (and an upheaval) but why not investigate the opportunities? Why decide it won't ever happen? Or decide it won't ever be as good as where you currently are? It could be opposite, there could be better provision or better opportunities and possibilities eventually if you just open up to consider them.

One way of looking at it is you now have a choice of 2 different lives. Try looking at that as a positive. You have more options open to you now than you did prior to this job coming up.

I wish you all the luck for whichever way things turn out for you.

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Fairenuff · 07/12/2019 10:17

if that is true then all kids in Service families must be very disadvantaged. Especially those that move every 2 years

All services children get extra funding in school which entitles them to extra help to make up for any disadvantage they may have in moving schools often.

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aSofaNearYou · 07/12/2019 10:56

The circumstances you have laid out (hardly seeing him now as it is, new job not including weekends, 4 months off etc) do make it sound like it could be better than your current situation, if he was happy to do it. But since he isn't I think there's a very likely possibility it would be the death of your marriage, once distance and resentment set in. Especially since I do see the point others have mentioned that you do seem quite dismissive of his role in the family - I don't think your role is less important than his but you do talk as though his is less important than yours. I would probably end up feeling unappreciated and pushed out if you talk to him the way you talk of him on here.

I would also personally think that moving them young would be better than moving them just before secondary school, but only you can know how it might affect them.

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IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 07/12/2019 13:35

If you were both working then living in between would be the best solution but given only one is then the person financing everything should be able to live as close as possible to their job.

I’d have to question my spouse if they were either happy to watch me commute three hours daily or live away from home all week when a move would have no impact on their daily life.

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rhubarbcrumbles · 07/12/2019 13:38

Did you discuss it before he applied for the job?

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LIZS · 07/12/2019 13:41

Tbh I'm not sure how you have got to this point without previously discussing the logistics of moving or not. Did you encourage his applications secretly hoping it would never happen. Or was the plan always for him to move alone. If this is an indefinite job role would you reconsider when your dc are older?

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JacobReesClunge · 07/12/2019 14:01

Honestly neither of those would appeal to me. My preferred option would be c) he doesn't take the job. We are very work to live not live to work though, and have both always worked: I can imagine it feels different when circumstances have forced your eggs into one basket. But I would really not be keen on messing around with your autistic child's educational setup.

Given that he's unhappy in his job, do you think it would to swap around, him be at home and you work?

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Isleepinahedgefund · 07/12/2019 14:18

I think that once you have children they have to be a big consideration. Add in the additional needs and i would stay put for that reason. You KNOW they are getting what they need right now, you’ve no idea what will be available in a new setting, if anything.

I think if your DH wants to keep the family together then he doesn’t take the job. If you’re both happy with him living away in the week for part of the year then do that. I would not be uprooting the kids myself.

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Thehagonthehillwithtinsel · 07/12/2019 17:08

I think your plan sounds fine.
Your DH gets a job he finds more fulfilling .
He is only away 4 nights ,is not working weekends so you and the kids D's will see more of him.
Your child/children are settled and that in itself reduces everyone's stress.
And your DH has 4months off(is this spread out?).
Your alternatives are you all stay and DH get frustrated and misses an opportunity.
Or you all move and your child,who it took so long to settle will need sorting again which at 14 will be harder so any home time you gain may be cancelled out with your child needing you both more.
If your DH loves his new job and settles you can review but if this is another step up to where he wants to be career wise he could be moving again in a few years.
So go for it,if you all hate it then would be the time to move.

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Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 17:12

YANBU

My OH is in the forces, I have never consider moving to be with him.

We see each other about 2/3 times a month when he’s not deployed, it works fine for us (although usually have huge just after he gets home then it’s all fine )

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Iamnotagoddess · 07/12/2019 17:12

*huge row

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Fairenuff · 07/12/2019 17:28

Did you discuss it before he applied for the job?

I've asked this twice but no response from OP.

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