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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

276 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:12

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 20:24

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras you’re making a proper story out of this! Stop inventing ridiculous scenarios and how the PIL are going to act and go do something more productive.

sonjadog · 06/12/2019 20:24

Yes, yes I would say he should go when her parents were nearby and ready to step in and help if needed.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:24

Or... maybe instead of the baby catching it and the PiLs having to look after the baby next week, the baby won't catch it, or her DH will feel much better tomorrow morning, or the OP will look after them both next week if both are still sick?

I'd rather cancel unnecessarily than plough ahead only to regret it later.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:27

Stop inventing ridiculous scenarios and how the PIL are going to act and go do something more productive.

What ridiculous scenarios? I know from my own parents and pil that there was only so much that they were willing to do, it wasn't a bottomless pit. If they give up their weekend for this then they'd be justified in being unavailable this week or next weekend to help.out again if the need arises. Why is that ridiculous or should they just be at their son and Dil beck and call?

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 20:28

But the op’s PIL are NOT your parents.

Honestly I don’t know why this is such a thing for you?

Butterymuffin · 06/12/2019 20:29

It's not 'visiting friends' as a social thing though, is it? It's going to provide mental health support for a friend who needs it. The husband / dad in this case sounds like a sensible type who understands that and is willing to tough it out. Good for him. No need to OP to martyr herself or abandon her friend.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:30

It's not such a thing for me.

I'm just baffled that anyone would put a friend before a spouse and child, particularly when the friend doesn't seem that considerate in return.

Pippa12 · 06/12/2019 20:31

I’m sure your in laws wouldn’t of offered if they couldn’t/didn’t want to help. Your DH has encouraged you to go (which is refreshing on MN in itself!) then he clearly thinks he’s up to the job and has an adequate contingency plan if not.

If me and my DH were in this position I’d know my in-laws would be perfectly happy to help. We are so lucky to have immense family support making situations like this possible, you must be in the same fortunate position! I can only imagine those who are utterly flabbergasted are not so lucky.

I hope your friend finds comfort in your visit, tough time to find yourself alone!

Aloe6 · 06/12/2019 20:32

Hope you’re having a safe journey and I’m sure it will mean an awful lot to your friend.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:33

It's going to provide mental health support for a friend who needs it.

For 2 days? The op couldn't talk to her on the phone while other friend was there in person?

How about the ops mental health when this friend was giving her grief for being flakey when she had a small child? Support is a 2 way street isn't it?

safariboot · 06/12/2019 20:34

It seems like you've got it sorted that someone can look after your DS if your DH gets really ill, that would have been my main concern.

Jingers5 · 06/12/2019 20:41

I would go and leave plenty of paracetamol, frozen lollies, ready meals etc. You being with him won't speed up his recovery. The child will distract him from his illness too.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:49

I've lollies not recommended - lukewarm fluids only (if you can swallow).

Loving that the toddler will distract him from his illness, possibly if you've only got a mild cold. Not so much if it's bacterial tonsillitis.

MidnightMystery · 06/12/2019 20:53

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras ffs go to bed.

PostmistressMcColl · 06/12/2019 20:55

I think you're definitely doing the right thing OP, your family are fine and I'm sure your friend will really value you visiting. You sound lovely, a caring friend and a caring mum/DW too. Hope the journey goes well.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 21:44

MidnightMystery

Sorry are you my mum?

You sound lovely, a caring friend and a caring mum/DW too.

A caring friend maybe.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2019 01:51

I'd worry that this was a defining moment in my relationship, that friends come before my partner and child. How will you feel if DH does the same in future?
You know there will be times in our marriage over the next 50 years when the needs of a friend will come before the needs of one another, because their need will be greater in real terms. Otherwise ever time my DH wanted to meet a friend I'd just say "but I need you tonight" and he'd have to automatically cancel.
As for the needs of the child, both parents beleive this can be adequately met with the help of il's.

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 07/12/2019 03:16

You did the right thing, your husband will be fine with lots of support around him. Your friend needed you more this weekend and that's perfectly ok.

Most grandparents have no issue with helping out when needed and enjoy seeing their grandkids, of course many don't but your PIL's seem to do so. Please ignore anybody who says you're in the wrong for somehow inconveniencing your husband's parents- if it was an issue to them I'm sure they would have said no. If your husband had problem with you going then I hope as two adults in a relationship he would be able to communicate this to you. I am not understanding the stories created by the previous poster, clearly this is ok to the OP and her husband and therefore is hardly a life and death scenario.

Please stop trying to make the op feel guilty because she doesn't conform to the same ideals of being a good wife and mother as you, she sounds like an excellent and caring partner/mother who cares about them but also understands that that isn't all she is and needs to be a good friend too.

QueSera · 07/12/2019 08:58

I think it's sad that you prioritised a friend's breakup over the welfare of your DH and DS. That is the sort of thing that can breed resentment in a relationship. I certainly wouldn't be impressed if my DH left me with tonsillitis and an 18m-old.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/12/2019 09:04

Well done OP! Ignore the holier than thou martyrs. :)

Dyrne · 07/12/2019 09:07

QueSera but the welfare of her DH and DS isn’t in danger?

It’s just instead of the OP sticking around to make sympathetic noises at her DH and entertain DS, the PIL are going to do it.

BertrandRussell · 07/12/2019 09:09

“ I certainly wouldn't be impressed if my DH left me with tonsillitis and an 18m-old.”
Neither would I. But if he left me with tonsillitis, an 18m-old and my mum and dad I think I’d be OK with it.....

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 07/12/2019 09:10

So in future if op is unwell it will be fine for DH to leave her to look after the toddler while he goes off to see friends? That's the precedent she's just set in the relationship

Dyrne · 07/12/2019 09:12

Hearhoovesthinkzebras stop projecting your issues all over the thread. If the OP were unwell, and yet had the option of having her parents come round while her DH went off to support a friend in need; then absolutely it would be fine.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/12/2019 09:14

I think it's sad that you prioritised a friend's breakup mental health over having your partners parents help with the welfare of your DH and DS.

It isn't like she's buggered off to Ireland for a weekend of cocktails whilst DH is isolated at home is it.

So in future if op is unwell it will be fine for DH to leave her to look after the toddler while he goes off to see friends? if op agrees, he's going to see friends because they are struggling and there's adequate help then yeah, why shouldn't he? Forsaking all others doesn't actually mean not giviNG a damn about your friends