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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

276 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:12

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
NoSauce · 06/12/2019 19:04

OP says he has tonsillitis. That’s not a sore throat.

alexdgr8 · 06/12/2019 19:11

ditto

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 19:12

There for her friend, but not her husband.

Thehop · 06/12/2019 19:16

I wouldn’t go, my husband is more impressive than friend who has someone else going

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 19:19

Well he’s clearly fine or he’d have asked him parents to come tonight.

Men aren’t some poor little creatures that lose all ability to function when ill. It’s half 7, I’m sure op’s ds will be in bed and her dh can chill now. It’s really not that dramatic.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 19:44

Well he’s clearly fine or he’d have asked him parents to come tonight.

Maybe he feels guilty for inconveniencing his parents and doesn't want to put them out anymore than they already are going to be.

Of course men don't always lose ability to function when ill, just as women don't but sometimes we all become too ill to function. When I had tonsillitis I could not even walk to the toilet, I had to crawl on my hands and knees. It wasn't a case of "chilling" it was laying in a sweat soaked bed alternating between burning up and freezing cold drenched in sweat, being unable to swallow saliva and being delirious. No way could I have looked after a toddler.

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 19:49

I’m sure if op’s husband was crawling along the floor she wouldn’t have gone.

She’s not some evil witch that’s just gone off on a jaunt and left her husband lying shivering in a pool of sweat. He’s got a sore throat. Let’s not make it more than it is.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 19:51

She said he's got tonsillitis, not just a sore throat.

What if later tonight he does end up crawling on the floor? Is she going to fly home again?

sonjadog · 06/12/2019 19:53

Presumably her DH isn't feeling like that as he has said it is okay. And if he gets worse, I also presume that he can call his parents and they can come over there and then. I'm sure three adults, and even two adults and a sick one, will manage to look after a toddler until Sunday afternoon.

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 19:54

What if the sky fell in? What if the world exploded?

He’s an adult, I’m sure he can manage if he gets worse.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 19:56

Bit off though isn't it? Why should his parents have to be inconvenienced for a whole weekend? What if they've got their own plans? They have to cancel them so that op can continue with her's? I wonder if this friend would put herself out as much for op?

saraclara · 06/12/2019 19:57

Her DH is perfectly capable of saying for himself whether he's okay to manage on his own/with help from his parents. He's told the OP to go. Yet a bunch of women who don't know him are assuming he doesn't know his own mind. How patronising.

Jeeze.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 19:57

Surely if he "only had a sore throat" op wouldn't have even started the thread in the first place?

If she was contemplating cancelling then presumably he's more unwell than just a simple sore throat.

sonjadog · 06/12/2019 20:00

There is a whole world between a sore throat and crawling across the floor in a delirium. I am guessing her husband is somewhere between the two.

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 20:01

Well considering op is on the plane this all moot.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:04

Again, if he's well enough to manage why did op need to start the thread? Presumably she was questioning whether he was well enough to manage or not.

InACheeseAndPickle · 06/12/2019 20:05

Again, if he's well enough to manage why did op need to start the thread? Presumably she was questioning whether he was well enough to manage or not.

Because there was a question in her mind. If he was definitely too sick to manage she wouldn't have asked. I'm sure her friend will appreciate her coming and the boy's dad and the in laws will manage fine with DS.

Butterymuffin · 06/12/2019 20:05

What if later tonight he does end up crawling on the floor? Is she going to fly home again

He will do what single parents, or military spouses, or people whose co parents work for the NHS, etc. do - ask for help from whoever they know that they can call in and/or cope as best they can. I've seen plenty of ill mums on here told that they just need to get through the day as best they can. It's not ideal but many people have to do it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:06

Hopefully the baby doesn't catch it from dad now as well. Another reason why it might have been better to keep them apart.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:11

Butterymuffin

I've seen plenty of mums told to ring the child's dad and ask him to come home from work to take care of the children so that she can go to bed too.

It's one thing having to cope by calling in favours when you have literally no choice but having to do it so your spouse can go visit friends is a bit much in my book.

If the baby catches it and is ill next week who's going to have to miss work to look after him or will the pil be expected to put themselves out to cover that too?

If this was reversed would you all be arguing that the DH was absolutely right to go and visit friends leaving his ill wife at home? I really don't think so.

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 20:13

If the dh’s friend had gone through a rough breakup in a country where they knew no one and had no one to talk to then yes I’d say the same thing.

Op’s dh has family around should the worst happen. Her friend has no one.

saraclara · 06/12/2019 20:16

If this was reversed would you all be arguing that the DH was absolutely right to go and visit friends leaving his ill wife at home? I really don't think so.

If a woman posted that her husband was going away for the weekend and she didn't want him to it would be a different thread entirely. Because in this thread, the husband does want her to go

sonjadog · 06/12/2019 20:19

Or... maybe instead of the baby catching it and the PiLs having to look after the baby next week, the baby won't catch it, or her DH will feel much better tomorrow morning, or the OP will look after them both next week if both are still sick?

Stop making up scenarios that fit your agenda and stick to what is actually presented.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:20

Is that ops responsibility though? What happens come Sunday night? She'll still be in a strange country knowing no one. She had the other friend going out anyway so was going to have support this weekend.

Yes op has gone now but putting out 3 other adults to facilitate the trip seems a bit much.

I hope they don't need the pil for an emergency of their own in the near future only to find the goodwill had been used up for this trip.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 20:22

If a woman posted that her husband was going away for the weekend and she didn't want him to it would be a different thread entirely. Because in this thread, the husband does want her to go

I didn't say she didn't want him to go. I just said if he had plans to go but the wife was ill would you all be defending him and saying he should go and wife would just have to manage?