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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

276 replies

LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 08:12

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

OP posts:
FergusSingsTheBlues · 06/12/2019 14:50

Meh. I wouldnt leave my husband like this.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/12/2019 15:00

He's told you to go and his parents are going to help him out. Go support your friend

Molly2016 · 06/12/2019 15:15

I’d go. Your friend probably wants a good cry over a couple of glasses of wine. I don’t understand all the negativity towards her! She didn’t force you to organise the visit, you want to go and support her.
Your DH says you should go. He has parents on stand by.
I’d not let my friend down when you have other options.

KellyHall · 06/12/2019 15:27

He'll have to cope. Women still look after children when ill themselves.

Besides, he has told you to go. If you stayed you would be patronising him and letting down your friend in their time of need.

TatianaLarina · 06/12/2019 15:28

Because friendship?

How good a friend is she if no show from the OP would change the friendship permanently? If she hasn’t bothered to take on board how much a kid changes your life and interprets OP as being ‘flaky and unavailable’?

If OP was going to be stuck for a weekend with a toddler and tonsillitis - because DH was off to minister to a mate - the replies would be very different.

mauvaisereputation · 06/12/2019 15:33

I'm surprised at the vote. I think it'd be pretty bad to leave your husband on his own with a toddler when he has tonsillitis and I'd be really upset if he did the same for me. Go see your friend another weekend no question imo. (Or offer to split the cost of her coming to see you?) If it's the end of the friendship she's not a good friend.

mauvaisereputation · 06/12/2019 15:35

Alternatively -- could you take your son with you? Not ideal obviously, but possibly a compromise?

dreamingbohemian · 06/12/2019 15:38

His parents will 'help' tomorrow for a while, it sounds like he will still have to take care of things on his own most of the time. I'd say go if he could get help all weekend, overnight, but it doesn't sound like it.

Of course friends are important, I've supported mine in all sorts of ways over the years, but none of us would expect this from each other.

My best friend recently broke up with her partner and is really struggling as a single parent, she lives a flight away. I've been calling and messaging with her every day, listening to her, just trying to be there for her. I can't imagine her expecting me to jump on a plane, or being upset with me if I planned to but had to cancel. I don't think that's reasonable.

Caterina99 · 06/12/2019 15:48

I think it purely depends on your in-laws. We’re abroad and have no one to help us so no I wouldn’t leave DH in this situation if he was genuinely ill.

However if my in-laws were close by then I wouldn’t hesitate to. They’d absolutely look after DH and the kids (and me if the situation was reversed) for the whole weekend.

Only you can know how unwell your DH truly is and how much help he’s actually going to get

Idonttrackpeas · 06/12/2019 15:49

I wouldn't go. This is because I have had tonsilitis and I ended up being admitted to hospital. I couldn't swallow anything. Tonsilitis can be really bad - not just a sore throat.

Oly4 · 06/12/2019 16:00

I would go. Your DHs parents are unlikely to leave him to cope if he’s on the brink of being hospitalised, as some of the posts above are suggesting.
I’ve had tonsillitis and could have looked after my children. Your son will be fine

FergusSingsTheBlues · 06/12/2019 17:00

You're all forgetting that heartbroken friend already has a friend going.

Look after your husband, or if you can't be arsed, at least stay to take care of your son.

If a man wrote this, he would be crucified.

Would you want to be left with tonsillitis and a baby? I'd go mad if my husband did that to me.

Classic double standard bullshit.

Aragog · 06/12/2019 17:05

Women still look after children when ill themselves.

I hate this kind of comment. Its simply not true, any more than for men.
I some circumstances, yes, people can be ill and look after a child.
There are other circumstances where it simply isn't possible, nor is it particular safe to do so.

During one particular bad bout of tonsillitis I, as a woman, was in no fit state to care for a child at all. I could hardly see straight. It was so debilitating, I was having some form of hallucinations on and off. I could hardly swallow, I couldn't speak. Fortunately dh was there to care for our child.

I know of many woman who have been too ill to care for their child at some point or other. They can be just as badly affected by illness, of different forms, as men can.

It is utter nonsense that woman are always capable of caring for a child no matter how ill they are!

Original poster
LisaSimpsonsbff · 06/12/2019 17:12

Well, on my way to the airport, sorry to the 28% who thought I shouldn't go!

I think people have also been quite harsh about my friend, probably because I described things poorly. She didn't ask, let alone demand, that we come, my other friend and I announced it as a 'we care so much that we're coming asap' thing - so I do think she would be hurt and disappointed if I was now like 'I care, but not that much'. As I said, she isn't an overdramatic person and we're genuinely very worried about her.

I also think it's a bit sad how dismissive people have been of her sadness. We aren't teenagers and this isn't some guy she had a crush on - she's now alone, in a country she moved to for him. They own a house together, had long-term plans to marry and were talking about children. One issue now is she feels so alone, so again I think it means a lot to have her friends make a gesture to show she's important to them. Her family situation is complicated and very unsupportive.

In general, I think there's a bit of an attitude here that my friends must not be doing anything very important because they don't have children, and so I should just do what suits me. The other friend going is very active and quite important in a local political party, so she's a) been out every night campaigning, so is knackered and b) had to move things around a lot to be away for the weekend before the election. I think she would have been upset if I'd dropped out because it was all arranged around my availability - she wanted to take holiday so we could go at cheaper times, and I wouldn't take holiday because I need it for when DS is ill.

Anyway, PIL are coming round first thing tomorrow morning (and they offered to come tonight and DH said no) so I think DH and DS will be ok. I'm home at midday on Sunday. I do feel guilty, and sorry for poor DH, but I think this was the best decision overall.

OP posts:
BlaueLagune · 06/12/2019 17:17

I'm glad you are going OP. It IS true that mothers often have to look after their kids for days while their other halves are working. What do Forces mums do? Their husbands/partners are away for months and they won't all have family nearby.

Your DP and son will be fine.

NoSauce · 06/12/2019 17:38

I’m not dismissive about anything. I just know when I’ve had tonsillitis I could not have looked after a toddler. I was in bed for 5 days extremely ill.

InACheeseAndPickle · 06/12/2019 17:42

Aren’t you worried about your little boy and how well he will be cared for if your husband feels so poorly.
Also I don’t think you should rely on the in-laws, they could wake up poorly too!

Surely that's a bit dramatic. If the three adults who can look after DS are all ill tomorrow I'm sure they'll still manage the same way single parents do when they're sick. Worst case scenario DS watches a bit too much Cbeebies.

InACheeseAndPickle · 06/12/2019 17:44

I also think it's lovely that you want to support your friend, it sounds like a really tough time for her. If you were going on a two day bender things would obviously be different.

saraclara · 06/12/2019 17:52

Thank goodness you're going. Your DH only has this evening and Sunday morning to deal with, his parents are around tomorrow, and after your other friend has moved heaven and earth to accommodate you, it would have been absolutely unfair to bail out at this stage.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 17:53

I'd worry that this was a defining moment in my relationship, that friends come before my partner and child. How will you feel if DH does the same in future?

I'd also feel guilty that I was using pil to facilitate my weekend away. Not so bad if it were my own parents being inconvenienced but a bit rubbish that it's pil. Are they likely to resent you for it?

Would your friend put herself plus.other family members out to support you?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/12/2019 17:56

Your DH only has this evening and Sunday morning to deal with, his parents are around tomorrow

Are the pil staying all day plus overnight too then? I couldn't have managed 5 minutes in an upright position when I had tonsillitis, let alone 2 days of looking after a toddler.

feelingsinister · 06/12/2019 18:18

I hope you have a good trip OP and it helps your friend to have you both there.

Please don't feel guilty, your husband and son will be fine.

There seems to be an expectation that partners come before friends when you're married/living together but I don't really feel like that. I prioritise who I need to at that time. My friends are really important to me and have been in my life for a very long time. My partner understands that and loves me for it. I've known them all a long time and where possible, if they need me I'm there.

alexdgr8 · 06/12/2019 18:41

well marriage in my mind tumps other calls, that's why one chooses to marry, in sickness ands and in health, for better for worse, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him/her.
let alone with a young child also. an ill person can barely look after themselves, nor should they have to, being married. in-laws are back-up, but not in the same league of intimacy.
i don't think it means one doesn't care about others, old friends etc, but it's a question of priorities. i would feel very undermined and insecure if i was left alone in these circumstances by spouse.
you have not publically undertaken and vowed to care for your friend.

PuppyMonkey · 06/12/2019 18:55

Glad you’ve made the decision for yourself OP. I think it was your own comments about the friend ending the friendship if you didn’t go that made some of us go a bit Hmmabout her. I had no idea if she had children or not TBH, don’t know about anyone else!

MustardScreams · 06/12/2019 18:59

Blimey, can’t go see your friend because you haven’t married them 😂 Why is everyone always so bloody dramatic on here?! Her dh has a sore throat currently, obviously he can stand up for 5 minutes or he’d have asked his parents to come tonight.

You sound lovely op, I’m so glad you’re there for your friend. Sounds like she needs it currently.