To go on this trip even though DH is ill?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I'm supposed to be going to see a friend this weekend, across the Irish Sea. Two of us are going - the friend in question called in real distress (relationship breakdown) a couple of weeks ago so we booked this very last minute trip to see her and show our support.

The problem is that DH, who has had a lingering but nasty cold for weeks, has woken up with tonsillitis this morning. He says to still go but I know he's going to struggle to look after DS, who is a very lively and active 18 month old, on his own while ill (he's done it plenty of times when well, this isn't some 'man can't look after his own kid thing'). Last time he had tonsillitis he was very poorly. I don't think he'd go if it were the other way round, and I think both he and DS will have a rubbish weekend if I go.

I just don't know what to do - I'd definitely cancel if it were just a jolly, but it's not. I suspect, realistically, that if I don't go in this moment of need for my friend it'll be the end of the friendship. But on the other hand my other friend will still go, so it's not like I'm leaving devastated friend on her own. Argh, what to do?

To be clear for purposes of voting, the question is: would I be unreasonable to go (ie YABU=don't go, YANBU=go). The flight is at 8pm tonight so I need to make a decision fast and I don't know what to do for the best!

“ So in future if op is unwell it will be fine for DH to leave her to look after the toddler while he goes off to see friends?”
If she says it’s OK and has her mum and dad to help then yes, of course.

Late to the party. I agree you did the right thing. He told you to go. It's as simple as that. If you then ignore him and decide for him, you are doing a bunch of things that aren't good for your relationship:

• Mothering him, rather than treating him as an adult partner (which will encourage him not to act like an adult partner in future)
• refusing a gift of his effort he is offering you because he loves you and appreciates your needs, which feels crap - particularly for grown up men
• encouraging passive aggressive, dishonest communication in future (you get to tell me one thing and I will still do another because I will try to please and react to your inner stuff over what you actually say).

Your husband is basically acting at the moment exactly how you would want him to - grown up, capable, taking responsibility for his child, appreciative of your needs, and willing to put your needs over his on occasions. Take the gift and you will continue to get this good treatment. Just make sure you appreciate it, reward and recognize it, (tell him what a huge difference it made to you and your friend , thank him, notice it etc), and try to reciprocate when he needs the same.

That way you both win.

Very few men I know go to offer emotional or other support to friends in need. Mostly when they go away it is because of their hobby cycling, a stag's night or similar. The two are not comparable.

But she says herself that her husband wouldn't have gone. She knows that he wouldn't have done what she's done.

I wonder how much of a priority op is to her friend? Given that she's already been arsey because op has a baby and has therefore not prioritised said friend I'm guessing she wouldn't be jumping on a plane to come and support op. Op even says that they couldn't really afford for her to take this trip. So her family has come 2nd twice over for this friend - financially as well as practically.

Just came to this late. I frequently get tonsillitis. Generally though i get bacterial and not viral. Viral i could pretty much carry on most as normal. bacterial totally floors me for days. My newish doctor has no idea what i still have the damn things.

I am in Ireland. DH just sent me a photo of PIL playing with DS saying he was about to go back to bed, but that thus far this bout of tonsillitis hasn't been as bad as he feared (hand on heart, that might just him being nice). Our marriage doesn't seem like it's in terrible jeopardy, but thanks for the concern...

I am very grateful for PIL for all they do for us, but I don't think they saw this as a massive chore - we do all do favours for each other as necessary, I drove them to the airport a couple of weeks ago, it's just not the kind of family that some people are describing where people would agree to do something and then be resentful over it.

Why does it matter what the reason for the trip.is? Maybe the DH going on a stag weekend would be of the utmost importance to the stag. It might be the ending of his friendship if he doesn't go. I don't think emotional support trumps every other reason for going away.

Why is the op prioritising the friend over her family not only practically (and yes DH said to go but maybe he did it because he was guilted into it "my friendship will be over if I don't go") or because he was worrying about the finances - op says they can't really afford for her to go and can't afford for her to cancel this trip and do it another time, so maybe he was worried that if she doesn't go this weekend she will want to spend more money going another weekend.

No.one knows that the pil are happy to help this weekend. Maybe it was presented to them as a fait accompli and they care about their son and grandson and won't see them struggle this weekend and so are doing it under duress rather than gladly so that op can go away. That may well breed resentment towards op on their part.

Op didn't even take the day off work yesterday to try and sort out the practicalities for her DH. Wonder if he managed to see a Dr and get antibiotics? If not, rather than get better he's just going to get worse over the weekend so maybe he could cope yesterday but will he cope if he's worse today?

I just think there were too many unknowns yesterday. It's not like he'd been ill for a few days and they could see which way it was going. He'd literally just come down with it. When I've had tonsillitis it's got worse and worse until I've started antibiotics. It hasn't just started and then remained the same throughout.

Even if op didn't go there was still another person going so the friend had someone going regardless of whether op went or not.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras do you tie your dh’s shoelaces for him? I just can’t understand why you’re so aghast at someone leaving a slightly poorly ADULT to go see a friend in need.

Maybe I’m hardened from being hugely independent, but I would hate to live a life like you’re describing. Taking a day off work to make sure an adult can cope? Jesus wept.

You keep saying 'no one' knows - I know the answer to lots of your questions! I promise, it's ok - I think my marriage is just a lot less uptight and blamey than yours?

Very few men I know go to offer emotional or other support to friends in need. The two are not comparable.
Cos men are generally far less willing to admit thry need help, I'm not sure that's the same as guys being unwilling to offer help if it was asked for. DH's best friend has mental health issues. He used to visit us but now DH goes and visits him. If DH could tell he needed him, I absolutely would expect him to go to see him if I felt I had the support to cope with the kids alien, or to go as soon as thst support could be arranged.

Why does it matter what the reason for the trip.is?... I don't think emotional support trumps every other reason for going away. so if two mates called you up, one wanted a fun night out on the town and one in crisis, you'd just pick whichever might out you fancied most and wouldn't prioritise their reasons for wanting to see you?

No.one knows that the pil are happy to help this weekend that's nonsense. I know without a doubt that if I asked my MIL if she could have DS for a day cos DH was ill and I needed to be away that she'd agree happily without a second thought. She wouldn't resent us, or feel blackmailed into it, or store it away to use against us or to get a favour done in return. Sounds like op knows her family too!
Some families are happy to help, in fact love being asked to help, and can do it without an agenda or emotional abuse!

No I don't but I think there's a difference between leaving an ill adult to look after themselves and an ill adult looking after a toddler.

As the op herself just said, her DH is going back to bed. So he's not well enough to be up and looking after a toddler and she also said that even though he's said it's not as bad as he feared she's not sure if that's the truth.

Yesterday, even the posters telling her to go were telling her to get easy meals ready, prep everything so that he didn't have to do too much, get medicine in for him - but she couldn't do any of that because she was at work. Where was the toddler yesterday?

I don't baby my DH nor him me but neither would we put a friend above our family's finances or health.

Op says she took pil to the airport but that's not comparable to them having to be on stand by for 48 hours this weekend is it?

Op says she took pil to the airport but that's not comparable to them having to be on stand by for 48 hours this weekend is it? why does it have to be comparable? Why can people only do X if they've already got X stored up in the "bank" to balance it out. I'm having babies next week, MIL will pick DS up from school Thurs at a bit on inconvenience to herself because we need her to as I have a pre op. Saturday she'll do an hours drive each way to take DH to colelct DS and then isn't allowed to come up and see baby (she would have seen him the night before). No doubt once we're home she'll be on hand to help out with anything we need. I can pay thst back physically, or monetarily. But it doesn't matter because we're family and our family helps each other!!

Exactly. Family isn’t about totting up everything you do for each other, you just do it because you love each other.

I’d hate to live in your family @Hearhoovesthinkzebras where you have to balance out favours or it’s ‘unfair’. What a horrid way to live.

so if two mates called you up, one wanted a fun night out on the town and one in crisis, you'd just pick whichever might out you fancied most and wouldn't prioritise their reasons for wanting to see you?

That isn't what I said.

My reply was to the poster who said that of course the DH should go away in the same circumstances, so if DW was ill and he was going to give emotional support to a friend. Not if he was going on a stag weekend or for a trip with mates.

The op seemed to want to go on this trip because otherwise her friendship would be in jeopardy, so maybe that's why DH told her to go. Equally, if he were to cancel a stag weekend that could jeopardise his friendship.

I just don't think providing emotional support is the only circumstance under which the DH should be given the same consideration.

As for gp helping out - my dp and pil always had lives of their own so in all likelihood asking them to do something like this would have meant them cancelling their own plans. I've never had the experience of GPS sat around doing nothing unless we called upon them so clearly my experience has been different.

It's about priorities and I just don't think a friend upset about a relationship breakdown takes priority over leaving an ill parent to look after a toddler and spending family money that we don't have. Obviously many of you disagree.

OP, glad you got it sorted and hope your friend will be ok. Your PiL sound nice.

There are some real flights of fantasy on this thread

No you sound very grounded with a lovely dh and in-laws.

I honestly think there are some people who have no friends on here and would prefer it if others also didn't, so will do their best to give advise to end friendships.

Op, you did the right thing, I hope your friend is ok.

I used to have tonsillitis as a kid and I would lie on the couch and sweat and trip balls for two weeks. Pretty sure I pissed myself once, although I'm hoping that was a fever dream. It's not just a sore throat ha ha.

It wasn't really financially wise to book the first trip,

So this makes the op grounded, with a great relationship and lovely to put her friend first does it?

Maybe I am in the wrong for not spending money we can't afford and putting family before friends but I'd expect my DH to do the same so to act differently would make me a hypocrite.

Jesus, some of these replies are so dramatic and just totally stupid!

I'm glad you went OP. You had plans, your friend is alone, your DH is not. It sounds like your DH is one of few men that aren't dramatic about being ill and likes to get on with it. Good for him and good for your marriage. His parents are there to help out, probably more than happy to be since they get extra time with their grandchild.

My DH would have said for me to still go and I would have if it was me. Like you, I have helpful inlaws and my husband isn't a sulking, moany and controlling bastard that demands I stay at home if he's ill. I'm not like that with him either

So. If this was me, I would have asked DP if he thought he could manage. He would have said yes- and I’ll call mum and dad if I need them. I would then have called his mum and dad myself just in case he decided to be a “hard man” about it then discover too late that they’d gone to Morocco for the weekend. Once I was sure they were willing and able to help, I would be off to Ireland with a song in my heart and a spring in my step. And I would expect DP to do the same if the situation was reversed.

And the money?

Would you be happy with DH spending money that it wasn't wise to spend in order to go visit a friend?

Dunno. If we’d discuses it and agreed then yes of course.

But I think this idea that “my little family” should always come first is wrong and damaging.