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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL'S - MN demons?

146 replies

trumpstoupeefluffer · 04/12/2019 23:59

I'm a new MIL - well nearly - they're engaged not married but just bought a new home together.

Reading the threads on here about MIL's do any other MIL's recognise themselves? I'm wondering if I'm one of them Blush

Examples:
When I visit I'll ask son and son's partner if 'they want any jobs done' - They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it? DIL has never implied I was overstepping and has genuinely been appreciative - I really thought that she was too polite to say YES!! but grateful that I did? - as in son has texted a few days later to say DIL really grateful?

Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc - But I see it so many times on here - I always want to ask the DIL if her mam is treat the same?

I guess my AIBU is - do any other MIL's have a great relationship with their DIL's - but if they didn't their son would absolutely step up?

As a single mother of a son I

OP posts:
woogal · 05/12/2019 00:01

I have a great relationship with my mil. Yes sometimes she bugs me but my mum bugs me too sometimes.

You're always welcome to come to my home and iron.

Original poster
trumpstoupeefluffer · 05/12/2019 00:01

sorry - that was meant to say as a single mother of a son I would be horrified that as MIL we're so demonised on here

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 05/12/2019 00:02

I’d hate you to do my ironing. I’d say no and actually mean no.

Why can’t you sit and be a visitor instead of taking over? It’s not your home, it’s there’s!

And why should DIL be grateful - why hasn’t your DS learnt to do his own ironing?

peachymum29 · 05/12/2019 00:03

You sound like a lovely MIL I get on well with my MIL wish she would tackle my ironing pile xx

AutumnCrow · 05/12/2019 00:04

that was meant to say as a single mother of a son I would be horrified that as MIL we're so demonised on here

That doesn't make sense to me. Could you clarify?

Alte · 05/12/2019 00:04

I have a good relationship with my MIL. I think the whole MIL stereotype happens because mothers will obviously love their child more than their child's partner and vice versa - obviously my relationship with my own parents is better than with DH's!

areyouafraidofthedark · 05/12/2019 00:04

If my MIL did any chores round my house I would feel offended that she thought I didn't do them well enough. I have a great relationship with my MIL and she would never do this luckily.

saraclara · 05/12/2019 00:06

Ha! It was my FIL who always did my ironing when my PILs came to stay. He wasn't one of those people who could just sit, and he loved ironing!
My MIL used to do whatever she could find to do in the kitchen.

My MIL never interfered. She just accepted and loved us.

OceanVillage · 05/12/2019 00:06

No means no, don't do the ironing (or any other jobs).

DramaAlpaca · 05/12/2019 00:10

If my MIL did my ironing when I'd told her I didn't want anything done I'd be annoyed & think she'd completely overstepped the mark.

Everyone's different, other people might not mind. It depends on your relationship I suppose.

Chocmallows · 05/12/2019 00:11

If you interfere he will have to put his new family first. If you visit as a guest and offer to help, he will not pull back.

For example, say you offer to babysit when they have a newborn and they say not now, but when baby is 3 months old. If you offer again at this age everything will be fine, if you do what some MILs have done and moan, tantrum, say your feel you have no rights then you will be unreasonable.

Stop doing the ironing and go back to offering help with no assumptions.

AutumnCrow · 05/12/2019 00:11

And I just would like add that I'm a perfectly normal and typical Mumsnetter who is both daughter and mother, and both DIL and MIL.

In life, some people are nice, some less so. Some people behave nicely, some don't so much.

Plenty of the un-nice people in lots of categories get criticism on here, from neighbours to partners to colleagues at work to various relatives.

It's not a MIL thing. But it IS a predominantly adult female website and so common themes tend to emerge. Mothers are mentioned as much as MILs, tbh.

Original poster
trumpstoupeefluffer · 05/12/2019 00:12

OceanVillage Thu 05-Dec-19 00:06:54
No means no, don't do the ironing (or any other jobs)

But in the case of my DIL no doesn't mean no - no means yes I'd really like you too but I think it's rude to say yes Confused

My son can iron - not quite sure where that has come from - they both work full time as do I - I just like to be helpful when I'm there

OP posts:
firawla · 05/12/2019 00:12

As he text and said she’s grateful, hopefully that is genuine and it’s worked out well for you both. Probably worth just asking her to make sure you’re not over stepping if you’re not sure? I think it’s one of these marmite things where some people are like I’d love my mum or mil to come in and take some housework off my plate, and others are more private so just hate it. My mil used to dig into our laundry and start washing and hanging things out to dry everywhere, underwear on display and all and I absolutely hated it. Had to say it quite a few times and it still took a while to sink in and for her to stop doing it. She was genuinely trying to be useful but it just used to infuriate me.
I have boys myself but I don’t think I’d start digging into their family washing and ironing when they’re older if I was told not to

Original poster
trumpstoupeefluffer · 05/12/2019 00:18

DramaAlpaca Thu 05-Dec-19 00:10:52
If my MIL did my ironing when I'd told her I didn't want anything done I'd be annoyed & think she'd completely overstepped the mark.

and I get that - but I know my DIL and she would say no because she would feel it was putting me out in some way - not that I was overstepping. We have a fab relationship (alien as is on MN)

From the few replies I'm just glad I have such a good relationship with my son and partner - I just wonder if some DIL's would be insulted if their mother's doing the same

OP posts:
areyouafraidofthedark · 05/12/2019 00:21

My mother wouldn't offer to do chores. She would be there to see us not clean or iron. I wouldn't expect her to do anything unless I asked for her help. I've never known anyone's in-laws iron when visiting tbh 🧐

pigsDOfly · 05/12/2019 00:35

I think it's weird to go into someone's home, regardless of the relationship, and start doing their ironing, or any other sort of housework.

I wouldn't do this in either of my DDs' houses nor the home my DS shares with his soon to be wife.

They're not children that need me to come in and take over.

I would be extremely put out if someone did this to me.

Doing someone else's ironing, particularly when they've asked you not to is crossing a line imo. It's not your home, and not your place to decide to iron their clothes regardless.

Original poster
trumpstoupeefluffer · 05/12/2019 00:36

I've never known anyone's in-laws iron when visiting tbh 🧐

Bows pleased to meet! Admittedly I can't sit still and have to be 'on the go' - difference to other PP is that my DIL isn't insulted - we get on great and she thinks that when I visit I should be catered for lol - luckily I'm one of those MIL who has a great DIL to be and who isn't offended by offers of 'help'

Big win for son - he loathes ironing ha

OP posts:
lyralalala · 05/12/2019 00:38

My MIL now lives with us so does random jobs often, but previously then she would do odd jobs when she was babysitting

DH was widowed young when DS1 was a toddler and MIL and DH's MIL were heavily involved in helping him when he went back to work. So it was something I got used too because it would have been incredibly unfair to start getting arsey over them doing things they'd always done to help him when I moved in

Never intrusive and never in a judgemental way. I was just grateful as every now and again walking in to find the washing put in the drier or hung up or ironed felt like having a house fairy

That said I have a brilliant relationship with MIL (hence her now living with her since FIL went into a care home) and the Other-MIL so that helps

Original poster
trumpstoupeefluffer · 05/12/2019 00:39

Doing someone else's ironing, particularly when they've asked you not to is crossing a line imo. It's not your home, and not your place to decide to iron their clothes regardless

I'd agree - only you've twisted what I've said and that's not what happened. Read again and then I might offer a reply

OP posts:
Walnutwhipster · 05/12/2019 00:39

DS recently bought a house with his partner of almost seven years. We get on brilliantly, are invited regularly and even holiday together at their request. I am the least pushy possible MIL because I've had the MIL from hell for 25 years and use her as an example of how not to act.

lyralalala · 05/12/2019 00:39

That said I think the big difference to some of my friends is that I don't, and never have, considered MIL a 'guest'. Just as she's never had us feel like that in her house before she moved in

People pop the kettle on here without asking and the likes. It's very much 'everyone feel at home'

Original poster
trumpstoupeefluffer · 05/12/2019 00:44

Never intrusive and never in a judgemental way. I was just grateful as every now and again walking in to find the washing put in the drier or hung up or ironed felt like having a house fairy

Thankfully that's how my son and partner view it - so lucky to have the family - in included - that I have - reading about MIL's on .... I obviously need a cruicifix hissssses

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 05/12/2019 00:44

From the few replies I'm just glad I have such a good relationship with my son and partner - I just wonder if some DIL's would be insulted if their mother's doing the same

I would be. Difference is I can talk to my own mother without her getting offended.

Mil? Not so much

WhenPushComesToShove · 05/12/2019 00:44

My DIL and I get on famously, are very supportive of each other and drink lots of gin together

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