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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL'S - MN demons?

146 replies

trumpstoupeefluffer · 04/12/2019 23:59

I'm a new MIL - well nearly - they're engaged not married but just bought a new home together.

Reading the threads on here about MIL's do any other MIL's recognise themselves? I'm wondering if I'm one of them Blush

Examples:
When I visit I'll ask son and son's partner if 'they want any jobs done' - They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it? DIL has never implied I was overstepping and has genuinely been appreciative - I really thought that she was too polite to say YES!! but grateful that I did? - as in son has texted a few days later to say DIL really grateful?

Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc - But I see it so many times on here - I always want to ask the DIL if her mam is treat the same?

I guess my AIBU is - do any other MIL's have a great relationship with their DIL's - but if they didn't their son would absolutely step up?

As a single mother of a son I

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 05/12/2019 08:33

I find this a very odd question. You're asking whether you should worry about being pushed out because your DIL might react to you the way some DILs on MN react to their MILs. But you say you have a good relationship with her so far. The people who post on MN about their MILs usually have a long history of difficulties in the relationship - and when they post about some individual incident like ironing, they're usually trying to be scrupulously fair to the woman, asking for an impartial read on the situation from outsiders rather than judging her behaviour in the context of their ongoing shitty relationship. To conclude from those threads that your DIL is going to go from being friendly to "put the iron down bitch and never darken this door again" suggests you don't have a very high opinion of her IMO. It sounds like you're waiting for an opportunity to take offence at her. Which means, yes, probably you are going to end up having problems with her.

Goldenchildsmum · 05/12/2019 08:38

When I visit I'll ask son and son's partner if 'they want any jobs done' - They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it?

So you do the ironing because DIL is too 'nice' to say yes please do the ironing? So why use this as an example? Because DIL wants you to do the ironing it's not an example of a MIL being a pain in the neck is it?

toomuchtooold · 05/12/2019 08:41

The DILs on mumsnet who have a positive relationship with their MILs seem to be massively in the minority

I don't think they are, I think it's just that the people who have difficult relationships with their MILs are the ones that post about them. I quite like my MIL. There's not a hell of a lot more to say!

Duchessofealing · 05/12/2019 08:47

I thinks it’s more a case that you can be formed with your own parents. My amazing mother will ask what she can do to help, I’ll say nothing, she’ll say I never let her, I’ll point out I have a small kitchen and she’s in my way, and she’ll accept it without rancour. My ex MIL used to offer, I’d say I’d got it covered thanks and she’d have a major strop. It’s my house (or mine and my ex’s) and we do it our way. If ex MIL had ignored me and done it I wouldn’t have stopped her but would have been fuming. And yes my ex probably would have texted thanks.
Hopefully you do actually know your DIL and she is grateful...

Duchessofealing · 05/12/2019 08:48

Formed is firmer!

crochetandshit · 05/12/2019 08:52

I can't quite articulate how cross your saying that your dil saying no actually means yes, makes me.
If you know her so well, and get on, she would just say yes.

67bird · 05/12/2019 08:58

I have a good relationship with my DIL, if I’m staying at theirs to look after the kids I always make myself busy, I do the cleaning and ironing as I would in my own home but that’s so I don’t get bored as the kids are older and don’t need much looking after.

67bird · 05/12/2019 09:00

Posted too soon, I don’t do these things when I just go to visit but if I’m there and they are out

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2019 09:07

Why did you even bother to ask her if you were just going to do it anyway?
From your posts it’s obvious you had decided you weren’t being unreasonable so why bother to post? It’s “no means yes” all over again.

SmileyGiraffe · 05/12/2019 09:15

This reply has been deleted

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CurlyTwirlyTwos · 05/12/2019 09:16

I'd love my MIL to even offer to do the ironing - when mine is over I'm expected to wait on her hand and foot! She never helps out even if I ask for something small.

You sound really helpful OP and you are aware you might be treating on toes. Instead of going through your son, start to message/text/chat each other directly. Then maybe you can develop your own relationship independent of your son.

Goldenchildsmum · 05/12/2019 09:16

After all, "no means yes" in your world.

That's a very good point

PurpleDaisies · 05/12/2019 09:17

I'd love my MIL to even offer to do the ironing

So you would have said yes. The op’s dil said no. If your mil did something you’d told her not to do, how would you feel?

Damntheman · 05/12/2019 09:22

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL. I live abroad from my family so she's become somewhat of a second mother to me and I love her to bits! That said, if she did not respect a 'no' and did the thing anyway I would be pretty upset about it.

Your DIL can learn to say yes if she means yes instead of saying no and hoping you'll know when it means 'actually yes' and when it means 'no definitely no'. What if she says no one day and you do it anyway and she gets really upset about it? You've got to both be more honest with each other or you're risking this lovely relationship that you have. Who knows, maybe she's too polite to let you know it annoys her (yet) and that's why your son has said she's so grateful. Secretly it could be niggling away at her ready to explode.

You sound lovely OP and seem to have the best of intentions but I really would encourage you to take no as a no and leave things. Keep offering by all means! But no means no. Active consent is so very important.

aHintOfPercy · 05/12/2019 09:23

When they come to yours would you be happy for DIL to do your ironing? After all, you say you work full-time too.

Lizzie0869 · 05/12/2019 09:23

I hate having 'help' from either my DM or my MIL. My DM turns my kitchen into a right tip and my MIL brings her own food and my fridge ends up too full. She also constantly talks. And I like working on my own and n the kitchen.

But at least she'll take no for an answer, something that my DM has never been good at doing.

It's easier now that they have DGDs to take up their time.

I'm sorry but it's a YABU from me. I think you mean well, but I would be annoyed in your DIL's position.

Besidesthepoint · 05/12/2019 09:30

that was meant to say as a single mother of a son I would be horrified that as MIL we're so demonised on here

People tend to post on here about their problems. There are also plenty of posts about narcissistic DM's, cheating DH's and difficult SIL's. Most people get along with their extended family, but just don't post about that.

Having said that, some women who are a bit difficult will still be someones DIL or MIL or DM or DSis and won't suddenly become easy to get along with.

saraclara · 05/12/2019 09:31

my MIL brings her own food and my fridge ends up too full

Ha! That was one of my Mom's few faults! She was incapable of not contributing food to any event! And I just didn't have room for it or the headspace to deal with what she brought when I was in the midst of catering for a big family get together!
But it was how she showed love. So I dealt with it.

chamenanged · 05/12/2019 09:38
  • OP, did you bring your son up to have the same morals and ideals as you, and if so, are you proud of having raised a potential rapist?

After all, "no means yes" in your world.*

Get a fucking grip of yourself.

bluebella4 · 05/12/2019 09:43

I have a better relationship with my MIL than I do with my mum. She treats me like one of her daughters so sometimes there is a cross of boundaries but I know she cares and knows that I don't have a mother/daughter bond with my mum. I no problem with her coming into my home and making herself comfortable. In fact I love it. I think this is healthy for our kids.
Family is family when we need help it should be their. An will be there for my kids partners if needed. I would be heartbroken if a DIL didn't acept my whole family.

I'm very much about being honest and dealing with the crap rather than inviting an elephant into the room. It's not needed, it just wastes time!

53rdWay · 05/12/2019 09:47

I have a good relationship with my MIL but she does this too and I really wish she wouldn't. I'll come through from putting the baby down for a nap to find she's put away the food shopping delivery or all the baby's clothes. It's well-meant but a) I told you not to do that and b) now I can't find anything. If I say "no, please sit down" I MEAN "no, please sit down"!

I do really appreciate that she's helpful when I'm looking for help. I still wish she wouldn't 'help' with things that I've said I don't need help with. And I wish she wouldn't keep doing this again and again and say "you know me, I can't help it, I just can't sit around while there's work to be done!", because she clearly can at all her friend's houses so it makes me feel like mine is a chaotic midden she can't relax in.

recycledbottle · 05/12/2019 09:48

"Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc - But I see it so many times on here - I always want to ask the DIL if her mam is treat the same"

This is quite a blanket statement. If you were very disrespectful to his wife do you think this would still hold true? I see this statement from mothers who feel they are ultimately their son's number 1 and act accordingly. I don't know if your daughter in law secretly wants you to do her and DH ironing (don't know why you mention DIL as if it is her job only) but if she had a good relationship with you surely she would, at this stage, be able to say yes or no without the layer of secret language. Is that not more for bare acquaintances? I would hazard a guess that she doesn't want you to do it, which is why she says no, but her DH puts pressure on her to be grateful thus the text. that is more likely in my view that the secret language that you have convinced yourself exists.

You come across OP as one of those mothers who acts like they are of equal importance as the DW to their son and should be treated accordingly.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/12/2019 10:09

Hi OP

You keep saying you have a great relationship shop with your DiL...why do you think she's going through the whole charade of saying no when she means yes? Why wouldnt she feel like she could be honest and say 'oh that would be great thanks MiL, I hate ironing'

Reallybadidea · 05/12/2019 10:16

The biggest favour you could do for your DIL is encourage your son to do his share of the ironing. And the rest of the housework. Because that will make the biggest difference to her life in the long run, far more so than doing stuff when you are there.

Newbie1981 · 05/12/2019 10:22

You don't sound like a demon....but it is overstepping you do someone else's chores. But if I'm honest it's helping me to understand how my mother in law thinks. I though she was a controlling twat but maybe she just wants to help. Who knows, but it's annoying to be on receiving end of that IMO

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