MIL'S - MN demons?

[trumpstoupeefluffer]

I'm a new MIL - well nearly - they're engaged not married but just bought a new home together.

Reading the threads on here about MIL's do any other MIL's recognise themselves? I'm wondering if I'm one of them

Examples:
When I visit I'll ask son and son's partner if 'they want any jobs done' - They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it? DIL has never implied I was overstepping and has genuinely been appreciative - I really thought that she was too polite to say YES!! but grateful that I did? - as in son has texted a few days later to say DIL really grateful?

Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc - But I see it so many times on here - I always want to ask the DIL if her mam is treat the same?

I guess my AIBU is - do any other MIL's have a great relationship with their DIL's - but if they didn't their son would absolutely step up?

As a single mother of a son I

I would think that doing chores was overstepping boundary's 100%.
Can I ask is your son a mummy's boy ?
My husband is , as are my brothers , BILs and my own DC !
I've found with my own husband he would never want to upset his mum or seem ungrateful so would act as if everything is ok but has been feeling very sad for years about some of the things his mum says or does.
I was adopted and my parents divorced within 2 years of the adoption and my dad raised me.
My 1st step mum is the nearest to a mother figure in my life but I'd have no problem with just being straight with her if I didn't like something and she's the same with myself and all of my siblings.
As is my father but he's not a talker really.
No animosity, once it's said it's over but my MIL isn't like that.
She will hold onto the slightest thing and hold it over your head and torture us.
I tried so hard for over 14 years, putting so much strain on our marriage and family until I went NC almost a year ago.
My H sees her with the DC but she almost broke my soul with her interference and nastiness.
My advice to you is when you visit be a guest in their home.
If they need help let them know they only have to ask .
Don't make your DIL feel like your babying your son and don't feel like she can cope and when DC come along stay calm and remember you've had your babies.
It's their turn and be led by them.
By the way my MIL or step mum never cleaned my house or ironed 😂
Enjoy this new phase of your life.
The more relaxed you are , the better your relationship with your new DIL will be.

Can't you take your cue from the ddil's own mum? If she does it, it must be ok. Having said that, I do childcare, read to the dgc, feed them, bath them, put them to bed, but not much else! My Dil probably thinks I'm lazy; her mum does all that plus puts the washing on, Hoover's, paints and does wallpapering!

But in the case of my DIL no doesn't mean no - no means yes I'd really like you too but I think it's rude to say yes

You should start thinking that no really does mean no!
Especially when DC come along and believe me most DH WILL put their wives and children before anyone else.
My mil was like that with me and my husband for years.
You're just assuming , unless she has specifically told you she means yes when she says yes ?
I'd tell my mil no thank you we've booked pantomime tickets and then she would book more for another panto, not checking if we had plans or when I said I didn't want to take our 5 month old DC who was on oxygen and a feeding tube and our 26 month old DC who couldn't walk hiking in the lakes ( staying in a youth hostel ) with 20 other family members, she went ahead and booked it.
No doesn't mean yes.
This is where you may run into trouble in the future.

MzPumpkinPie Thu 05-Dec-19 00:55:35
I would think that doing chores was overstepping boundary's 100%.
Can I ask is your son a mummy's boy ?

Mummy's boy? If you mean does my son treat me with respect yes - it's a MIL question - my son would never allow me to be excluded or treat differently to his partner's mother. She wouldn't either. I read time and again on here how MIL's are treat differently to mother's - to question that I get is 'son a mummy's boy' to the poster who asked - absolutely not - he's just been stepped up to manager as a wing officer in a prison.

I really don’t understand what your AIBU is so don’t know how to vote.

I do know that if I had a really good relationship with someone and they offered to do the ironing I’d just say yes (my mother does the odd shirt for me if she’s doing her own & my sister will too as she’s out of work for now) If I said no to something I’d mean no.

You sound incredibly naive.

@trumpstoupeefluffer you missed out my comment that every man in my family is a mummy's boy!
Even my own DC ( who are children though) , most boys have an extra special bond with their mums .
I'm glad he respects you but believe me his own family will come first when he has one .
If you upset his wife by doing what you want tread carefully in the future.
Especially with the my DIL means yes when she says no business!
To be honest you sound like hard work, so yes you uabu.
Just enjoy visiting, you've clearly raised a nice man .
He's old enough to look after himself now.
Plus you have a full time job !

@trumpstoupeefluffer would you be happy if she came to yours and did your ironing? I would find that incredibly rude. You said they said no initially then you do it anyway?! She’s not genuinely pleased, she’s trying not to rock the boat.

my son would never allow me to be excluded or treat differently to his partner's mother. She wouldn't either. I read time and again on here how MIL's are treat differently to mother's

Realistically, assuming healthy relationships, I’ll always be closer to my mother than my MIL. My husband will always be closer to his parents than mine.

There is no “equal” there.

If I’m home alone, I’ll always call my mothers up before I call Mil. I’ll always pop round To her house over mil.

Apparently my husband should be ensuring that I make it equal? No. I’m my own person. I don’t expect him to do that, why would I?

I predict drama in the coming years:

‘ Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc’

So you expect/demand to be included in all of their future Christmas’s, future kids birthdays, over the next 18 years etc? Good luck with that...

My MIL never so much as made me a cup of tea when she came to visit me when I’d just had a baby and has never done so in my house in 12 years Of visiting, although she has made herself a cup and never offered anyone else. Can’t imagine her ever helping out and I’d graciously accept any offer of help, even if it was just sticking the kettle on.

But in the case of my DIL no doesn't mean no - no means yes I'd really like you too but I think it's rude to say yes confused
Well. You don’t know that though.

My MIL used to do this stuff. Come home and clean the oven 😣
I am too polite and nice to say anything so I would thank her and pretend.
To her eyes we had a good relationship but in reality I am just nice and polite. I did not like so many of the intrusions.
But just pretending.
Until one day I got fed up with her stepping all over our boundaries and I said “No thanks”

She has been offended since then and I don’t give a monkeys anymore.

Going to someone’s house and doing chores is rude unless the person needs it (elderly, newborn, ill)

Why can’t you just not? It is not sustainable

And yes to what @Talkingmousen said.
Lower your expectations and let them have their time as a young couple please

Many years ago I was horrified to come home and find my MIL had not only gone through my ironing to iron my then DP's shirts for work but she'd passively aggressively taken my dress up clothes and hung them up around our living room, "I wasn't sure if they could be ironed, they look a bit... cheap." She told me.

10 minutes later we'd had a great discussion on boundaries, I explained my own parents had done a great job in teaching me life skills, maybe she should have tried that with her son, (who I later found out had been moaning about me not ironing his work shirts in a timely fashion to her,) and that as I didn't go through her washing baskets she could stay the hell away from mine.

I do love her to bits but we're very different people and I, and my husband, have made a conscious effort to make our sons self sufficient as she lifted and led my husband to the point he was a typical Irish Mammys boy. He's much better now though 😉

I think a lot of 'nightmare' MILs never actively set out to be that way. But, they genuinely cannot see two sides to a story. It's their view or... their view.

OP seems to be coming across like this. 'No means yes'- no. No means no. She isn't looking at another point of view.

Ie: "mil keeps offering to do ironing which I'd rather she didn't because it's a bit invasive and I can do it myself but she always does it anyway... I don't want to start an argument with myself and partner so I'll just be polite even though it bothers me".

Nice people tend to let others walk over them for an easy life. It still doesn't mean they don't like what's going on, though. Just because you think you know best, doesn't mean you do. I don't think you want to even think about there being another POV in this situation, because it would mean you'd have to actually address and change your own behaviour. You're more than happy with assuring yourself you're doing the right thing... only because it suits you.

And be real, OP, you 'need' to be on the go all the time? Well that's a lie if I ever heard one. You know social etiquette and rules. When you're in a restaurant waiting for a meal, are you in the kitchen helping the chefs? No. You're sitting at the table waiting. When you're on a plane, are you helping the air hostesses dish out food? No, you're waiting for yours. You can go to your son's house and not mother him (because this is what this is). He's an adult. With a partner. He's moved out. He has his own home. His own way of doing things with his partner. For God's sake, just go over and chat and stop going into mummy mode. Offer to make a cup of tea for everyone and leave it at that.

He clearly is a mummy's boy, but you need to quickly accept that if he's going to be a decent partner/husband to your DIL, you are going to come after her and any kids they have. That's exactly the way it should be, as well. He needs to do his own thing with his new family. Give him space to do so. You don't need to be in on everything. Every event. Everything her mum is involved in. Your DIL (unless she has a challenging/estranged relationship with her mother) will always put her first over you. So lose that expectation now.

And please, if they have any kids then do not move yourself in and "help" because no means yes and your son is "sooooo grateful". They'll ask if they need help. And by ask, I mean "I'm sorry to ask but are you free any days this week to see baby X? I'd really appreciate a helping hand". Not "hi mil, no I think we'd prefer just time ourselves this week to get into a routine".

If you're as genuine and nice as you're making out, you'll have no issue in stepping back and being a good MIL. If you won't, well... don't be shocked for a fall out down the line.

OP. You seem very well intentioned but I'd like you to hear your offer with my ears

MIL - oh, I see you have a basket of ironing, I'll get that done in a jiffy.
DIL - (gosh, she always seems to see the one thing We didn't get to) thanks for the offer but no thanks
MIL -I'm here now, I'll make myself useful
DIL - (how do I say this kindly) We don't expect you to iron when you visit, just relax
MIL -Don't be silly, you didn't get it done as you are so busy, I'll do it now.
DIL - (what part of no thank you is not clear and why is DH staying silent) no, please relax

Cut to several hours later, ironing is done, but not in the way THEY like and DH or DIL has to refold or rehang or maybe even reiron stuff so there was no time saving at all and they feel like their wishes were not heard (or at worst, totally ignored). Both totally deflated.

IRL this is why we employed a cleaner, gardener and childminder as no was never good enough for MIL.

You sound like an amazing soon to be MIL! I would be thrilled if my MIL offered any help whatsoever. Instead she turns up unannounced, drinks our booze, doesn’t offer an ounce of help and then complains that she doesn’t see us or the grandees more!! 😫

Anything specifically to do with my or my DC's clothes then I'd be fuming as I have a 'thing' about people touching our laundry. I find it intrusive. Weird? Absolutely but it's just the way I am 🤷🏼‍♀️ We all have our own quirks.

Anything else though and I'd be really grateful!! My Mum offered to dry my dishes just this morning and I said no as I felt guilty about her coming and doing my housework but if she did it whilst I was out for example, I'd be very grateful

We used to have a good relationship with MIL but she became very strange and very controlling after about 12 years together, when our kids were arriving, she often helped with gardening, bit of cleaning etc but oversteps now by having done something she'll say 'I've just spent hours cleaning the inside of the dishwasher so just you keep it sparkling from now on as it was filthy (normal water stains and perhaps a little in need if a clean but not filthy!) or 'why can't you just weed the garden (we had babies at the time and both worked full time) as I've spent hours in the garden (a year ago) and now it's disgusting (a few weeds, generally ok)'
There were other things I won't say here too - really hurtful, controlling and she wouldn't hesitate to tell us how 'filthy' something was (which means something perhaps hadn't been dusted for a week) - she's always been a bit of a clean freak but worked part time and always had a cleaner so had loads of time to do the house (albeit their house sticks of fags but of course we'd never tell them that!)
My husband, his sibling and their partner find her hard work too

@PepePig I agree with everything you have written.
I hope the op listens because I can see problems down the road if she doesn't .
I'm already feeling sorry for the DIL and hope the son has a backbone.
My MIL will give my eldest son ANYTHING he asks for .
She doesn't consult us and he has moderate learning and physical disabilities, so he doesn't really understand the big deal or the stress it causes.
A puppy ? No problem even though she hates dogs and my youngest, who is severely disabled is terrified of them.
Another example, he went on a play date where the family had a lazy spa hot tub in a summer house .
He tells her he would like one , for Easter .
We have no clue this conversation ever happened.
Sure enough the day before good Friday a giant 6 person hot tub arrives , followed by a summer house.
Oh he says that's my Easter present while I'm arguing with these 2 delivery drivers we didn't buy them.
Now I have a nice patio area I had worked really hard on.
In our garden we already have a large swimming pool and the only place for this giant summer house was on half of my patio or the kids would have had no room to play in the garden due to the pool , shed and barn.
It meant I wouldn't be able to have my garden furniture or have BBQs in the summer, entertain, sunbathe etc
It would have blocked access to my back gate too.
So it all got sent back. Must have been around £18,000 in total.
Top of the range everything and she was furious, calling me ungrateful ( of course her son wasn't to blame) and shouting that she should be able to spoil the DC.
I have too many examples of her batshit behaviour to list and it's my fault because I didn't put my foot down in the beginning and was too nice.
My own family live thousands of miles away and are very down to earth midwestern Americans.
I was not prepared for Mrs Bucket at all.
Now we are NC , just me because obviously the kids like to be spoilt haha
She's never spoilt my H or I though.
Thank god because I'd feel so uncomfortable, just as I would her doing my ironing.

I would absolutely hate my MIL doing my ironing.

I like my MIL but am VLC with my own mother.

Don’t worry too much OP

I get along with my MIL better than my own mum (although would not admit this, we have always had a fractious relationship but do love each other!) we are very opposite in our cleaning regimes though, she hates doing house chores whereas I do them every day multiple times a day don’t get me wrong, my MIL does annoy me from time to time and will give unsolicited opinions on things however they are just opinions and never heavily forced. Like a PP said, I don’t always get along with my own mother so why should this be any different

If a visitor (who was a close relative of one of us) offered to do ironing I'd feel obliged to say, "oh no, you're here to relax!" But I'd actually think, "oh my god yes please do my ironing, I love having ironed clothes but am always too knackered and busy to iron any and I'm rubbish at it anyway." So OP is probably absolutely right about her DIL, even if some people on this thread wouldn't like it. My MIL organised my airing cupboard when she last visited and hand wrote colourful labels for what goes on all the different shelves. I could kiss her every time I open it.

Stop doing the ironing, OP. Your DIL has said no. Take her at her word. Is there’s one thing women should have had drilled into them by this stage - it’s that no means no.