MIL'S - MN demons?

[trumpstoupeefluffer]

I'm a new MIL - well nearly - they're engaged not married but just bought a new home together.

Reading the threads on here about MIL's do any other MIL's recognise themselves? I'm wondering if I'm one of them

Examples:
When I visit I'll ask son and son's partner if 'they want any jobs done' - They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it? DIL has never implied I was overstepping and has genuinely been appreciative - I really thought that she was too polite to say YES!! but grateful that I did? - as in son has texted a few days later to say DIL really grateful?

Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc - But I see it so many times on here - I always want to ask the DIL if her mam is treat the same?

I guess my AIBU is - do any other MIL's have a great relationship with their DIL's - but if they didn't their son would absolutely step up?

As a single mother of a son I

That said I think the big difference to some of my friends is that I don't, and never have, considered MIL a 'guest'. Just as she's never had us feel like that in her house before she moved in

Same. We're family. Close family members aren't guests. I'm quite shocked by many of the posts on this thread.
I was never a guest in my PIL's house. Right from the beginning I was told and always encouraged to help myself to anything, and that their home was my home. Of course I acted with consideration, but I never felt like a guest and I'd be horrified of they did in my house.

I would find it irritating if a family member came round and said they’d do my ironing. I get it’s well intentioned OP but I think this is the kind of thing that would grate.

I never really understand threads like this. If I went on to Relationships and posted about my great relationship with my husband, and how I can’t understand why so many people post about their bad relationships, I would be missing the point.

Some people don’t get on with their in-laws. Some people do. The people posting about it will be those that have problems, not those that are fine. That’s how these things work.

OP until you hear the profusions of gratitude directly from your DIL and not your son, then don't assume that your DIL is grateful for the intrusion.

I was like your DIL, placid, found it difficult to have to say no all the time, and ignored things my MIL did that I didn't like. And she never knew I didn't like those things (like using the emergency keys to enter and clean our house top to bottom whenever we went away- including doing laundry). To her, I loved this although I genuinely hated the invasion of privacy. But my husband would always tell her how thankful we were and I was too polite to say that I wasn't. It went on like this with my husband even asking her to check up on me daily while on mat leave as he was "worried" about me, and my husband telling her that she didn't need to knock since she's family- she should just use her key and turn up, uninvited, without any warning to our house.

One day when baby was a year old I just snapped. I snapped at my husband, I increased baby's nursery days (so MIL wasn't looking after baby 2 days a week anymore), and I cut down MIL visits from several times weekly to just once a fortnight.

A few years down the line from this, we now have a decent relationship and see her once a week, and she knows that when I say 'no', I mean just that. But it should never have got to that tense and low contact point if she had just respected my boundaries in the first place.

What I'm trying to say is don't let it get to that point. A lot of husbands (and your son sounds like one of them) place maintaining their attachment to mummy doing chores and looking after them, above the independence and happiness of their wife. Don't let your son do that to your DIL- always make sure you respect HER boundaries - if she says no, she means no.

My mil is awesome. The previous two were not. Also I feel that if you are in a committed long term relationship with someone their family are your in laws you don't need to be married.

My exs mother was wonderful until I married her son 🤷‍♀️

@princesstinnedpeach yes but I bet you expressed your gratitude to your MIL directly? In OPs case we can only take her son's word for it that DIL is happy with the intrusion. So it's fair to assume that when DIL said no, she meant no. Otherwise she would text MIL herself to say thanks.

I just find it extraordinarily odd that you would do this. Would you visit your best friend or even another aquaintance and insist on doing their ironing? And take their reaction to this oddness as a measure of how healthy your relationship is.

You also seem to be saying that you expect to be involved in your son's birthday and Christmas every single year. That's rather entitled and I imagine is going to get tired pretty quickly.

My Ex MIL was - and is - wonderful. Never overstepped, never any kind of drama, never a problem between us in over 16 years of friendship (and thats what our relationship was from the moment we met). We still spend time together, she's still part of our lives, she adores the DC (one is her GC one isn't) and she's maintained a respectful, loving bond with us that means that despite Ex and I not being together she's never lost touch with her Grandson. I respect her enormously for that.

Current MIL has all kinds of provisos and quid pro quo's attached to everything she does; there's entitlement and rudeness and bitterness lying close to the surface and it means we're not friends, we're not close. I don't like manipulative or devious people and MIL is both. Even now she sees DH as "hers" and there's a definite resentment that I stole him from her. How can anyone build a relationship with a MIL who acts like the love of her life has been stolen from her? It became much worse as the DC were born and I think for a lot of MIL/DIL relationships that can be where friction begins.

Much like every other walk of life there are great MIL's and terrible MIL's. You having a great relationship with your future DIL is lovely, but you must see that not everyone is lucky enough to have a MIL they're able to be friends with.

Probably a bit different to what you are doing, OP, but my PIL used to let themselves in to our house, he would do the gardening and she would clean. It made both my husband and I quite narked because they didn’t tell us that’s what they were doing. It sounds nice but actually it’s an invasion of privacy. We had CCTV in the living room when we went away which had motion sensor and my husbands phone pinged whilst we were on holiday, it showed MIL reading our cards etc!

Eventually husband changed the locks, didn’t give them a new key and they never ever mentioned it to us.... I do wonder what they thought the first day they tried to get in the house after that. I feel bad but it wasn’t my idea to do that and when we asked them to let us know if they were popping in they’d always let us know whilst we were both at work

Mine is too self obsessed to do anything for anyone else 🤷‍♀️

I world never let myself into my kids houses. There's definitely a line there.
And yes, no is no, even if you think she means yes, OP.

They're definitly not all demonized...just that most people don't feel the need to take to the internet to rant about their awesome MIL. Mines great...

There are lots of mad ones tho. I think the years sometimes makes a woman forget how the first few years of marriage and motherhood are. I'm a mum of a son and I'm gonna keep reminding myself...no meddling when hes older haha

My nana was an awesome nana but a monster of a mother in law. Refused to go to my mum dads wedding. My mum was told she wasnt good enough for her son on numerous occasions. She even helped my dad cover his tracks when he regularly cheated on my mum. Basically what not to be to your DIL

I detest housework so no way would I be offering to take on my adult children's unless they needed me to. Do they do chores when they visit you and if not why not? How would you feel if DIL did your ironing?

I think a question that needs asking is how would you react if they said no and meant it? Would you be offended? Would you act offended/play the martyr? You come across as needing to be needed, so it's likely that they privately say "It's best just to let her get on with it, you know what she's like."

Being pushy is not the charming idiosyncrasy you seem to think it is.

OP many an annoying MIL think they are right, and how could a DIL be annoyed if they start doing chores even though they have been asked not to.

I think it is telling that your son is texting you that DIL is grateful, not the DIL who you supposedly have a great relationship with.

How would you react if your son text you asking you not to iron rather than thanking you?

I consider nothing to be ironing. Everything is washed, dried, folded/hung up and put away.

My MIL considered EVERYTHING to be ironing. You name it, she had to iron it.

I learned the hard way to make sure all clean laundry was already upstairs when she was around, as if not then she would sometimes do it under the guise of being helpful, but in reality it was a criticism of me

She did other things too that wouldn't even have entered my head, like clean and polish the cat flap, and polish the children's wellies when just knocking the mud off them outside would have done the job perfectly well.

I did get on OK with her, and she was a well meaning person, if sometimes prickly and petulant. I did make clear to her though that I did boy want ironing done because we don't do ironing in this house and don't want to start. She never did it again, but I don't think she understood me really.

Be careful you aren't overstepping the mark here. I think it sounds as though you could well be. Your DIL has not thanked you herself. Only your DS. Your DIL may well feel invaded and trampled on by this, but for now unable to say no to you and worried about the consequences if she tries. She may see it more as an invasion of privacy and as you interfering.

No means no. It doesn't mean "yes, go ahead and rifle through all my clean laundry (which can include some very personal items)." That is effectively what you are doing if you do her ironing when she has specifically said don't.

Did not want ironing done, not boy. My autocorrect is batshit.

YABVVU.

Have a read back as if your posts were someone else. You are very defensive about your son, him being nice and his GF also being nice. They probably are. As are you, presumably.

BUT you are going to have to take a BIG step back. He isn't your son first and foremost any more. You are not the most important person in his life any more. His house, home and life are not intimate extensions of your own any more.

No matter how polite they are, how well you get on you are still doing something they have asked you not to do. Instead of visiting them as equals, all 3 of you adults, you are visiting them and, on seeing a chore that needs doing, are overriding their wishes about their own clothes in their own home!

Why? What do you feel and think when you make that decision? That they need help, it would be nice to do that little thing for them because.... what? She can't, he won't, they are incapable, slow, slovenly? What?

Some people are fine about such things - look at the mixed responses you are getting here. But your son and his gf are not. They have told they are not, you are ignoring them, and that is what makes mums into MN MILs!

If you continue to do that about little things, big things, any things you will slowly whittle away that good relationship as they feel the need to build fences, distance between you and your good intentions and their new, adult life together.

So next time you see a little job that needs doing in their home, ignore it! It really isn't up to you to judge that it needs doing, there and then, by you, over their protestations!
If you continue to do that you will, without doubt,

OP don’t let a bunch of people on the internet doubt your relationship with your DIL. The DILs on mumsnet who have a positive relationship with their MILs seem to be massively in the minority so this discussion is going to be taken over by people projecting their poor relationships with in laws.

Also it’s really sad that people straight away jump in to criticising the son as a mummy’s boy just because he has a good relationship with his mother and wants her treated equally

Also it’s really sad that people straight away jump in to criticising the son as a mummy’s boy just because he has a good relationship with his mother and wants her treated equally I suspect it is because OP said he would back her up that made it sound as thought here is/would be some need to do so!

They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it?

No means no. Listen to your DIL and respect what she says.

Of course she isn’t going to say anything after you’ve done it/started doing it, because she’ll be too polite to.

You are majorly crossing a line here and in years to come if they have children you need to realise that if they say no, no means no.

I also agree with those saying that it is DS saying that DIL is very grateful.

But of course. I also tell my DH oh yes how nice of your mum (even though I am thinking she is out of order) because the couple of times I said well, your mum shouldn’t have done this or I was upset she did this, I got the “she is just trying to help/ being nice/ my mum would never!”
So, lesson learnt now.
My MIL plays nice and victim so well that I know her game now.

Sorry but no means no.. i can't believe you actually used the argument that in her case 'no means yes' In your op you state that you have been told no to going jobs, then have done things like the ironing anyway, and your son has said dil was grateful. You asked opinions, then implied people were being unreasonable for not wanting someone to interfere with the running of THEIR homes. The truth is you don't know how your dil views your 'help' interference. You don't value her opinion, when she told you she didn't want help you ignored her! Don't be surprised if she is actually saying to your ds - please ask your mum to stop doing jobs, it makes me uncomfortable!

I love my MIL, she's an interesting, very intelligent and kind person. All traits that she's passed on to her son. I genuinely look forward to her visits.
However she also does the ironing thing when she comes to stay. She always asks first and I say no thank you. But like you she also seems to think I'm just saying no to be polite. I'm not! I really do find it intrusive.
I always thank her when she's done it because I don't want to offend her. I'm willing to let it slide as she lives 100miles away so doesn't visit that often and it's not a huge deal. But it does irk me, I feel like it's a criticism of my housekeeping skills. The other thing is when she visits I want to enjoy my time with her (dh works away so will often be just me and her in the house). But when she's looking for jobs to do around my home I feel like I can't relax either and that I should be doing housework too. It can be quite stressful, especially when I've spent ages cleaning up in anticipation of her visit. It does feel a bit like getting a visit from the health inspector.
When she's relaxed she's fantastic. We have a lot in common, we put the world to rights and have a good laugh. She's a lovely, lovely person.