MIL'S - MN demons?

[trumpstoupeefluffer]

I'm a new MIL - well nearly - they're engaged not married but just bought a new home together.

Reading the threads on here about MIL's do any other MIL's recognise themselves? I'm wondering if I'm one of them

Examples:
When I visit I'll ask son and son's partner if 'they want any jobs done' - They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it? DIL has never implied I was overstepping and has genuinely been appreciative - I really thought that she was too polite to say YES!! but grateful that I did? - as in son has texted a few days later to say DIL really grateful?

Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc - But I see it so many times on here - I always want to ask the DIL if her mam is treat the same?

I guess my AIBU is - do any other MIL's have a great relationship with their DIL's - but if they didn't their son would absolutely step up?

As a single mother of a son I

@Chocmallows she's a bit busy.
She's popped over to her darling sons and is ironing his boxers

But my mil is a demon 🤬

Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc

This is one could go either way.

My husband is a great son. He's always done everything for gifts, cards, joined in family events.

But he specifically didn't want us living on the same side of town as PIL as he didn't want to have them under our feet every 5m as would be their ideal. He knows my MIL has systematically excluded his dad's side of the family to the point where everything revolves around her, and he doesn't want that for us.

He's not being a bad son by being independent from them, and he puts us first.

My PIL were fine. No issues. A bit absent but lovely. My mother is the best MIL to my DH. I swear she lives him more than me. He visits her when he's passing on his own. They matter away. Happy happy.

I always felt bad when either mum or mil did jobs for me. Mum because she wasn't that well, and mil because it was an excuse to pry. Nevertheless, I was genuinely grateful when they did things, no matter how badly or unnecessarily.

DH used to go through all the cupboards after MIl washed up because she somehow left everything greasy, which then transferred grease to other things in the cupboards and cutlery ray etc. He'd pile it all up and then leave me to wash it all 'properly'.

When mil washed up, she'd also put everything away, so it was slightly better when mum did as she'd leave it air drying.

What really annoyed me was il washing up "for you" - not for dh,mor for us but for me whenin reality she us de more work for me. She wouldn't stop though. Mum stopped when I confided in her what dh did....

I'm particular about my ironing and prefer to do it myself while watching TV.
My Mum did some ironing for me a few times but it was very slap dash so I asked her not to do it again.

My MIL will do the ironing when she's here and it winds me up, as the only things that get ironed are DH's work shirts but she says that she has done the ironing "for me".

Which is her way of expressing that her son is neglected as has to his own ironing.

But she is lovely in other ways and I consider her real family, so I just grit my teeth and say thank you.

Which is her way of expressing that her son is neglected as has to his own ironing

Id have butted in with ‘did you not get tune to teach DH to iron?’

My Nan used to be like this with my mum, and she was always really grateful for the help. It sounds to me that it’s appreciated :)

My mil is wonderful and I love her dearly. She is always happy to help but doesn’t overstep, and is of a religious persuasion that means she doesn’t celebrate birthdays or Christmas so no dramas there either. She’s practically Mary Poppins, but much more fun :) She has such a great relationship with my DD (2) I’m pleased that she’s got such a great grandma, she’s really crafty and has made all sorts of cool things for my little girl. She’s recently made them both matching aprons to do baking together in 😂 I wish my older children had had a grandma just like her, but my parents and their dads mum was rubbish.

My mum would also identify as "needing to be on the go" and not one for sitting around chatting. She would rather stack my dishwasher badly than sit and just bloody well ask me how I am.

Great to impose your own preferences when you are visiting someone in their own home isn't it? Not narcissistic, disrespectful or domineering at all

My MIL is wonderful and I feel lucky sometimes reading posts on here. She is much easier to get on with than my mum, who I love dearly btw. But my MIL is very good at respecting boundaries and an emotionally intelligent/ sensitive person, so I think this makes a lot of difference. If my mum was my MIL I’d struggle how to take her and I don’t think we’d have a close relationship. So I think it depends on the title rather than the relationship. Unless one person is totally unreasonable in their expectations/ are very rigid.

We don’t have any rules for grandparents when looking after our children, besides limiting screen time. I think this makes a difference because their time together is theirs- we don’t interfere or dictate. Obviously this relies on our parents being sensible people! I do at some parents who seem to be very prescriptive about how the GPs must care for their children. Eg being very strict with routines, food etc. Grandparents house is the place for treats and I don’t think it will matter if routine is broken a little for fun. Eg I know one family who won’t let GPs take little boy to seaside because it would be disruptive to routine to arrive back home at 4pm (arriving home earlier is not possible due to distance). Obviously it’s parents choice, but I do think some people find it difficult to relinquish control to other people of their children. Not saying that wrong, but I do think that’s where a lot of tension can arise. So it really helps grease the wheels if you don’t lay down the law as a parent to GPs!

My MIL does silly things. Like thinks pyjamas are day clothes and send my daughter out in them! Puts a nappy on back to front. Puts my daughter in tights only thinking they are leggings! All this stuff doesn’t matter. It’s the love and care that matters and my children’s lives are very rich due to having weekly contact with both sets of GPs.

I didn’t have much contact with GPs as a kid. Due to death, illness, distance. I think I really missed out and had a pretty lonely childhood as my parents were busy working and running the home- just like we are. GPs can give kids extra family care and attention that it’s really difficult to carve out when you’re both working full time with 2 kids! I really appreciate that and don’t take it for granted!

Just my experience. All families are relationships are complex - and also change over time!

^ mistake in my post.... I meant the relationship will depend on the individuals involved- not the titles of MIL and DIL

I see an ironing pile and do it? DIL has never implied I was overstepping and has genuinely been appreciative - I really thought that she was too polite to say YES!! but grateful that I did? - as in son has texted a few days later to say DIL really grateful?

So you see the ironing pile, presumably a mix of your sons and you DILs clothing, yet you clearly see it as her job. Why? This is why women get pissed off with their MILs, they seem to think their DIL is their sons maid, secretary and nanny all rolled into one half the time.

my son would never allow me to be excluded or treat differently to his partner's mother. She wouldn't either. I read time and again on here how MIL's are treat differently to mother's

Great, and is he also careful to treat his MIL the exact same way he treats you? Because time and time again I see this expected of women but not men. Why is that?

The OP hasn't been back for a while.

Maybe she's reading all the replies or maybe, like with her DIL, she doesn't like to listen to what other people are saying.

Sorry I missed the point of the thread about housework and boundaries blathering on about kids!! I think my one piece of advice would be to set and respect boundaries. No means no!

@Preggosaurus9 this reminds me of linencupboardgate with my MIL. We'd always got on well and I had been through a tough pregnancy with tons of complications. DH had to go away for a week for work when DS was 9 weeks old. He asked his mum if she'd be able to pop over and stay for couple of days and have baby snuggles. The only request was to cuddle DS and keep an eye on him so I could shower in the morning and have a nap early evening.

Alas, she decided that wasn't useful enough. First thing she suggested was helpful (emptying kitchen cupboards ahead of the kitchen fitters coming the next week. It saved us a job on the weekend). But she then kept trying to do or make me do various non urgent chores, instead of just taking it easy and enjoying early motherhood. Thwarted by my repeated shutdowns of her insistence that we go through all mine and my DH's paperwork and financial info to file it 'properly' she decided that our linen cupboard wasn't neat enough. So instead of helping me out away the food shopping/ playing with her grandson, she stored and spent an hour reorganising our linen cupboard. I couldn't really see the difference. She then decided to 'help' by reorganising our bedside drawers. She did stop pretty quickly when she opened the one full of sex toys...

It was pretty awful, needless to say she's never been asked to help/ babysit since.

She did stop pretty quickly when she opened the one full of sex toys...

My mum and MIL both have a thing about reorganising cupboards. My MIL specialises in taking everything out and putting it in different piles all over the floor according to some complex category system and then running out of time to put it all back. My mum once spent half the morning “sorting out your kitchen cupboards for you” and it took me three weeks to find the cheese grater.

I understand why they feel the urge to be helpful but I don’t understand why they don’t see any problem with treating their adult child’s house like some kind of massive fixer-upper project that desperately needs all hands on deck. It’s fine, it’s tidy (and I now go round shoving things out of sight before they come if it’s not), just SIT DOWN and have a cup of tea.

Respect other people’s boundaries...jeez! Don’t do someone else’s ironing unless they’ve specifically asked you to. Just sit down and be a guest. How do you behave when you go to a friend’s house? Do you insist on doing their housework? No? Then don’t do it to your DIL. She didn’t grow up in your family so may not have the same ways of doing things\thoughts on how things should be done.

Why would you even consider asking her if her mum gets the same amount of contact time?! They’re not even married and you want to clarify that both mum’s are treated equally .

Why on EARTH do you think grown adults need their housework doing for them anyway?? Stop mothering and let your son be an adult. He should have been brought up to be a fully functioning human who needs neither a mum nor wife to function. If they don’t have a baby yet then there is absolutely NO reason to help them do housework.

My MIL is brilliant but she is no respecter of boundaries...will happily reorganise my cupboards (then next time she visits and I’ve put everything back how I want it, comment “Oh...you keep that here now!”), will wander into our bedroom of a morning for a chat, reads cards and mail (I’ve even seen her reading a card I’d chucked in the bin!),empties the dishwashers but doesn’t know where things go so leaves them on the table/in the wrong place, sorts out washing (she does NOT need to be folding my knickers!) by leaving piles of if on arms of chairs\draped over the back of chairs. She also mothers my DH to the extent she will get up from eating dinner to get him a drink. That he seems to think is acceptable to ask someone else to get. Wonder where he got that from! I always try to get her to spend time with the DCs and just do some guesting but she never does. I haver never gone to her house and reorganised her kitchen or done baking etc, etc, etc.

Back off and respect HER boundaries. If you don’t you will find yourself excluded especially when they have a child and you waltz in and trample all over your DIL’s boundaries with her newborn.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all bollocks.

NoSauce I’m starting to think the same.