MIL'S - MN demons?

[trumpstoupeefluffer]

I'm a new MIL - well nearly - they're engaged not married but just bought a new home together.

Reading the threads on here about MIL's do any other MIL's recognise themselves? I'm wondering if I'm one of them

Examples:
When I visit I'll ask son and son's partner if 'they want any jobs done' - They'll say no because they don't want me 'working' while visiting them and I see an ironing pile and do it? DIL has never implied I was overstepping and has genuinely been appreciative - I really thought that she was too polite to say YES!! but grateful that I did? - as in son has texted a few days later to say DIL really grateful?

Luckily I have a son who would never allow me to be excluded from birthday's, Christmas etc - But I see it so many times on here - I always want to ask the DIL if her mam is treat the same?

I guess my AIBU is - do any other MIL's have a great relationship with their DIL's - but if they didn't their son would absolutely step up?

As a single mother of a son I

My mum is the overstepper of boundaries but it all depends on personalities. My sister can’t stand up to her so either snaps or silently seethes. I stand up to her when she goes to far but also understand that she just wants to help when she randomly cleans my kitchen and it doesn’t bother me. I also make it clear to dp that if she does something that bothers him he can say and I will address it with her if he isn’t comfortable to.

I think you know your dil and hopefully she is happy that you help out but to make completely sure, you can always ask her! Just a conversation that you are aware people are different and you always try to help but some people have pointed out that you might have unintentionally have crossed boundaries and if you ever do, please say and you promise not to be offended.

Egh my mil makes digs about about stuff and cleaning. Don’t like my home don’t come in . No I don’t want you to touch my stuff or re organise my cupboards.

Can’t say that though so nod and smile I tend to leave the room and make my self busy away from her these days.

I would never walk into my Mil house and pull out the ironing basket and start ironing her and Fil clothes. So no I wouldn't like it being done in my house. We are all adults and can iron our own clothes.

I don't think you have quite as good a relationship with your soon to be DIL if she's 'too polite' to say yes. Surely a good relationship means she can be honest? I'd hate if someone came into my house and focused on a job needing doing that either myself or dh haven't got round to or not prioritised.

I honestly think that so many people are making a big issue of a small gesture, especially if it's the MIL doing it! When I baby sit for my daughter I will sometimes say, Do you want me to attack the washing mountain with the iron? If she says No thanks, that's an end to the matter. If I've had a Chinese, good one near them, I will wash our plates and often if there's anything lying about I'll wash that too, it's not a criticism, would just seem odd to wash a couple of plates and leave the rest. SonIL will sometimes ask if we're sending out for a take-away because 'I'll not bother loading the dishwasher!'.

You sounds like my Mum, very well intentioned (and can’t sit still) but so annoying. My Mum never takes no for an answer either, so you have to act super thankful for the fact she did the ironing/moved the sofas to hoover/re-organised and cleaned the kitchen cupboards when supposedly babysitting a toddler . It’s bad enough when it’s my Mum, I’d be fuming if it was my MIL.

Top tip, turn up have coffee, maybe bring some cake and sit down and talk to them. It’s not your home, and they want to spend time with you, not watching you run around fiddling with their stuff.

OP - no means no. You don't know your DILs mind better than she does.

Watch this:

But tillytrotter1 you've said that if you ask and get a 'no' then you'll take that as the answer, which is fine. It gets a lot more annoying if people won't take no as an answer which is why it seems like a 'little thing' getting blown up.

In my house it goes like this:
MIL (texting): I'm here early, anything I can do?
Me: Thanks for offering, but no, just make yourself at home and put your feet up.
MIL: There's some laundry needs put away?
Me: I'll sort it when I'm back from work.
MIL: Really are you sure, it's no trouble?
Me: Yes, honestly, please just leave it.

Then I get back from work an hour later: "Oh I've put away your laundry, I didn't know which drawer your nighties went in so I've hung them up in the wardrobe, and I've had a good hoover under DD's bed and I'm in the middle of sorting out this cupboard."

I know she's trying to be helpful but aaaaaaargh.

I can't quite articulate how cross your saying that your dil saying no actually means yes, makes me.
If you know her so well, and get on, she would just say yes.
This

I would be very annoyed if you did jobs around the house especially after I have said no. If they really wanted you to do the ironing, they would have said!

I think people just like to feel needed, especially as they get older.

My lovely PIL were always wanting to help. They were retired when I met them, we clicked immediately and were firm friends for 36yrs until they passed away. We used to save 'suitable' jobs for them so they felt like they could contribute when they visited.

I seriously don't get this 'ironing is an invasion of my privacy' shit. Really? Life is just too short for such nonsense. If I babysit for friends or family and they have gone out in a rush I clear the kitchen and fill the dishwasher, or tidy up the children's stuff so they don't have to do it when they get back. Friends and family have done the same for me.

Anyone is welcome to do anything they like in my house, and frequently do.

OP, you’re a wonderful MIlL, know your DIL’s mind better than she does and if she ever disagrees with you your son will pick you over her as you’re such an amazing mum you’ve brought him up better than all the MILs who you hear about on here. Is that what you want to be told?

If things were oh so rosy you probably wouldn’t be posting, so take note of the many replies you’ve had telling you to respect them, their wishes, their hosting and their home by treating them like adults who know what they want and don’t enjoy being second guessed. Leave the fucking ironing. Accept a cup of tea, sit on the sofa and ask them how they are. Don’t baby them by doing what you want or think is right when they’ve told you the opposite. You’re his mother but he’s chosen her to be his wife and if you set yourself up in competition I hope you lose.

The things that my MiL does that's annoying is walking straight into the house and starting to hoover (the hooving was done that morning already). I don't think most grown adults in normal circumstances really need their family to come and help with ironing or housework and insisting upon it or constantly asking might be interpreted as a criticism of their housework.

My MIL used to interfere a lot, opinions on who should be invited to the wedding was the start and she rearranged the kitchen cupboards when I was at work. Stuff like that, DH was the problem as he said she was just trying to be helpful. Many years passed and we got on ok . She came for Christmas about three years ago. We had a massive row on Christmas Eve, Armageddon levels.

After she left on Boxing Day I waited a couple of days DH rang her and he was supportive of me. I then had her on speakerphone and had a long talk. Since then she is not overbearing. The difference really was her knowing that DH supported me and I also told her a couple of things about my childhood.

She was always massively critical of me not wanting to partake in some things.One was sailing FGS. I grew up by the sea and as a kid at least five people downed off my local beach. My Fisherman BIL almost drowned, my cousin was in a boating accident and my other BIL was a lifeboatman. I’m happy for DH and his family to go sailing without me.

The other issue which is big are our belief systems, I’m a liberal Christian and have friends of various faiths. MIL is in to crystal healing, angel cards and consulting the dead for guidance. She can do what she likes but it’s a big no for me. She has attempted many times to ram her belief system down my throat.

So we had her trying to force me to believe in her faith
Her interfering with household systems
She refuses to believe people don’t like what she does

She came to stay for almost a month at the start of this year as she had a hip replacement. I was carer. I set the parameters of her visit and it was actually fine. In all those years my lovely non confrontational DH who was scared of his Mother was the real issue.

No means no so don’t do stuff like ironing if they say no.

I wonder how you'd feel if her mum visited her in hospital the day of her emergency section . But you weren't welcomed.

It's a classic scenario on here. Would you still feel equal. Would your son still demand you weren't excluded?

By the way there are loads of threads about loving and loved MILs here give just noticed the negative ones more.

Personally, I would err on the side of caution, @trumpstoupeefluffer, and if your son and daughter in law refuse your offers of help, you should take them at their word.

They may have been glad of the help with the ironing, but that doesn't mean that they didn't also feel that you had overstepped the mark a bit - and if you do it again, it may cause more offence - and I can tell that is the last thing you want.

I have three sons, and the eldest has just moved in with his girlfriend. Sadly they live a long way away (he moved from Scotland to the South East for university and work), so it is unlikely that I will be visiting their home very often - but when I do, I will offer to help with things, but will do my best to respect their boundaries, and listen if they say No.

My own MIL was wonderful - I will be modelling myself on her. She was loving and supportive to me as much as to dh, and whilst she was always willing to help out when she was staying, she never crossed the line. I remember some lovely times with her, chatting in the kitchen whilst she helped me with the cooking (both when she was staying here and when we were staying with her) - but she never made me feel as if she was taking over. She died a few years ago, and I miss her terribly.

I stay with my daughter and her partner fairly frequently. I try very hard to avoid being the MNMIL from hell and always ask before "helping".

I explained to my daughter why I always check and she laughed and told me that her MIL rearranged her underwear drawer last time she stayed.

Surely it all depends on the relationship between the two people. My MIL always wants to do our ironing. I have no issue with her doing my husband's stuff but I have asked her to not touch mine as I prefer the way I iron. I couldn't care less about what DH's stuff looks like! She wants to feel she is doing something to help us so I don't have a problem with it.

I do sometimes get frustrated when she decides to do the ironing in the middle of the kitchen when it's time to prepare a meal. But I simply ask her to either move or do it later.

There have been occasions when I have had to repeat myself when she has wanted to do something else to 'help'. My first 'no thank you' should be the end of the conversation but it keeps going for a while until my tone changes, and I wish it didn't get to that point.

But on the whole, she's lovely and helpful and a wonderfully supporting and kind MIL so these are tiny things that really aren't worth me getting upset about.

I would say trying to foster a relationship based on open and honest communication is the most important thing. Maybe you should make it clear that if she wants you to help she should say yes. Then when she says no, you know she means no.

I have a great relationship with my MIL but I wouldn't want her to do the ironing. Not because it's overstepping, but because I'd rather do the ironing myself than feel guilty that my MIL did it.
(Obviously this is all hypothetical since neither I nor my MIL iron anything ever.)

I can imagine a post on here from the future DIL of the OP

Just moved into my new home with future Dh. My future MIL is nice enough but keeps trying to do things in our house. I say no thanks and she went off and still did my ironing. When she left I was annoyed but my future DH said she’s just being helpful. He insists I send her a text saying thanks. I am frustrated but sent it anyway. I am not sure how this is going to turn out as he is insistent that his DM shouldn’t be left out and I should treat her the same as my own parents, always seems to let her away with anything and makes excuses. He is even now suggesting I spend Xmas with her every year and hasn’t made any reference to my family. I may have to set some clear boundaries before we move any further forward as I am becoming concerned

Why not take no as no next time, leave the ironing? If your ds/dil just say no to be polite but it's a help, then the next time they'll say 'if you don't mind/only if you are ok too'. If they still say no, you know the no always was genuine.

Some dils get on better with MILs so they may be treated differently there, different family dynamics. Same as some sons with their MIL/DM. DH gets on better with my mum much as he loves his, his is quite uninterested in his/us.

The biggest thing is be interested in your son and his family but don't intrude or interfere, offer help if you want to but don't let yourself be pushed too do anything you dont want too. For birthdays and Christmas, none of the extended family should assume or demand that they are always included. There are times, especially at Christmas, when they may just want to do their own thing or see friends. The same in vice versa too, they shouldn't assume or demand either.

I'd say no, but love it if you did my ironing. I do think it depends on how it's done and what the job is though.

Any hint of judgement or that it was MY job as the woman and I'd be annoyed.

Tackling a clean load of ironing or doing the dishes - fine. Rearranging anything because YOU think it should be kept somewhere else, or cleaning something because it's not up to your standards when I've not happened to have said that it needs doing - rude. I'd also be uncomfortable with someone doing my laundry.

My first 'no thank you' should be the end of the conversation but it keeps going for a while until my tone changes, and I wish it didn't get to that point.

That’s the thing though, isn’t it. The fact you have to change your tone to finally get your point across when you’ve politely said “No thanks” 379 times beforehand. And then you’re the baddie. Somehow. The absurdity of it is crazy making.

I don’t think the OP will be back. But I hope she’s been prompted to think back to all the times in her life her “No” went completely ignored and chooses more wisely next time.

Being a "wing office manager" in a prison doesn't mean he's not a mummy's boy I can absolutely assure you of that...

Anyway, not sure what your AIBU is. You seem so dead set that your DIL says no and means yes that I wonder, firstly why you are asking and secondly, whether she is just tolerating it. You don't appear to take on board that she might not appreciate this interference. What is she supposed to do? She says no and you ignore her anyway...

I don't think OP will come back as she wasn't looking for alternative perspectives, just validation of her own. She must have a sense of tension though, as she posted. I feel sorry for DIL .