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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to invite who I want for Xmas lunch?

131 replies

BooHaa · 04/12/2019 22:44

Well, within reason of course. My DH likes to cook Xmas lunch and believes the kids should be home all day so they can enjoy new toys. His parents like to stay home but mine usually come, which DH enjoys and always leads their invite.

This would all be a dream except I have 2 family members who don't get on and who my DH is not a fan of but will be civil. For many years one of them would come until he found friends he now spends Xmas with.

The other family member lives alone after a divorce two years ago and doesn't have any friends or other family he can spend Xmas with. He is Bipolar which is under control but sometimes he can be quite argumentative, likes a debate but can seem aggressive with a raised voice even when telling a story about someone else who's annoyed him or argued with him. I've learned to just appease him or sometimes we can debate and then change the subject. My DH feels it puts him on eggshells as DH has to bite his tongue to not lose his temper which he knows would a) ruin Xmas and b) cause a rift.

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

My DH doesn't want this family member to come for Xmas lunch. It breaks my heart to not invite them, I don't think anyone should be alone at Xmas unless by choice. DH feels I should respect his wishes to feel comfortable in his own home.

I've tried suggesting we eat out for lunch instead thinking that separates things a little more but he refuses. This particular family member came last year and there was no drama however my husband does become passive aggressively 'quieter' which I know is to make me aware he is not happy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FatAndFurious7 · 04/12/2019 22:54

Could you perhaps have this family.membet over for Christmas eve / Boxing day instead? That way they're not really alone over the period but your DH can enjoy Christmas day at home?

It's difficult as I can totally see where you're coming from and I'd hate any of my family being alone. Have you actually spoken to this family member, would they like to come to yours or are you assuming they would?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2019 22:56

Yes you are.

DH feels I should respect his wishes to feel comfortable in his own home.

He’s right. You’re out of order pushing it.

Notso · 04/12/2019 22:57

I don't think it's fair to have things your way every single year.
My Husband prefers a quieter Christmas than I do so we tend to alternate or have a big family party on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day and a quieter Christmas Day.

Whodoyoutrust · 04/12/2019 22:59

It's a tough one, I hate seeing people on their own at Christmas (unless they want to be) but I also think year after year of spending it with someone who you don't like is really unfair.

TitianaTitsling · 04/12/2019 23:02

Are you offering to pay for everyone should you go out for dinner? In your DHs defence, I do feel the constant having to appease argumentative aggressive people exhausting, and not something I'd look forward to at Christmas!

bridgetreilly · 04/12/2019 23:08

No, it has to be a joint decision. You invited this person last year, but DH doesn't want to invite them this year. That is okay. Maybe you can invite them again another year. But your wishes and feelings aren't more important than his.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 04/12/2019 23:08

You could invite him on boxing day.

I find 2 of dh's family intolerable after an hour or so, but I put up with it because- well that's just a part of Christmas and dh enjoys their company. They come over boxing day afternoon and I lay out a buffet and once they're settled in the lounge in front of the football or whatever I slip away upstairs to -watch TV in peace tidy up.

Maybe your dh could do the same, he doesn't have to sit and entertain this person, just be polite and welcoming then wander off to do something else.

Singlenotsingle · 04/12/2019 23:09

It's probably someone else's turn to have that family member as their guest on Christmas Day. You can't really be expected to have him every year. Your OH wont look forward to Christmas Day. He'll dread it.

Whoops75 · 04/12/2019 23:12

YABU

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:13

It's eating me up inside, I do resent DH for this. To me Christmas is about family. Christmas day is Christmas day to me, boxing day etc. is not the same so that doesn't make me feel better about the situation. I don't know for sure that family member wants to come as I've not mentioned it due to this.

OP posts:
Daisydoola · 04/12/2019 23:14

Is it your brother? I can see both sides but wouldn't want potential conflict any day of the year in my home.

TitianaTitsling · 04/12/2019 23:15

To me Christmas is about family is DH not your family?

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:16

There is literally no one else who will invite him. If he doesn't come to us he WILL be alone.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 04/12/2019 23:16

I think YABU to insist on your dh having to 'tread on eggshells' in his own home, every Christmas, yes.

You need to find a compromise. Be that inviting them alternate years, or inviting them for a meal on a different day in the week or whatever you can work out, but your dh is entitled to feel comfortable in his own home, particularly at Christmas.

BackforGood · 04/12/2019 23:18

x-posted.

To some extent, adults have to take responsibility for the way they behave. You say he has the bi-polar under control, and yet he is still aggressive and argumentative. Well, the consequence of that is that it means he isn't good company, so won't be invited places. Perhaps it might help him think about the way the speaks to people and interacts with people.

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:18

@Daisydoola
Close but no. Don't want to go further into it as outing.

@TitianaTitsling
Yes, therefore I, and my family are his aren't we?

OP posts:
christmassymcchristmas · 04/12/2019 23:20

Your brothers I take it? Leaving them alone would leave a bitter taste in my mouth too, especially as it shows the divide between your life and theirs when your parents choose to spend it with you.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2019 23:22

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

Does DH know that you welcome a similar member of his family into your (joint) home? How would he feel if you said "Oh God, no Auntie Margaret this year. She makes me so uncomfortable in my own home. You are not allowed to invite her".

I'm not saying to do tit for tat. I'm saying that DH needs to understand that you, too, have a person you'd rather not be around. And that you tolerate this person for DH's sake.

TitianaTitsling · 04/12/2019 23:22

There is literally no one else who will invite him is that due to lack of people or people won't because of his behaviour? Are other people pressuring you or is this a role you've had to play for a long time ?

bridgetreilly · 04/12/2019 23:23

however my husband does become passive aggressively 'quieter' which I know is to make me aware he is not happy.

It seems very much more likely to me that becoming quieter is not passive aggression in this situation, nor a way of signalling unhappiness to you, but his natural response to someone becoming more aggressive, and not wanting to provoke it more, and indeed feeling like he is walking on eggshells. I really think you are underestimating how much this person affects your DH.

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:26

@christmassymcchristmas my parents are pensioners but can still make a big meal so I do have some simmering resentment that they come to ours to be waited on hand and foot whilst I'm the one who has to worry about the family member when they could quite happily host for the 3 of them.

Oof. I didn't even admit that to myself before now. You lot are good! Don't get me wrong, I love having my parents here and spoiling them but in them coming here it means the other family member can't go to them instead of us.

OP posts:
Letthemysterybe · 04/12/2019 23:27

How do your parents feel about this family member? What would they do if he had no invite from you? In my family such a situation would result in them staying at home and hosting the family member there rather than leaving them alone.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2019 23:27

If your husband is on eggshells then your children must be as well and that’s not desirable or acceptable, least of all on Christmas Day. Your loyalty should be to your husband and children.

Are you hoping/expecting the mention of your husband’s “passive aggressive quietness” will get people frothing that he’s controlling you in some way and in the wrong? He’s really not. You’re being very dramatic and unfair.

Letthemysterybe · 04/12/2019 23:28

Ah cross post

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:31

@TitianaTitsling

"There is literally no one else who will invite him is that due to lack of people or people won't because of his behaviour?"

Both, but probably lack of people overall.

"Are other people pressuring you"

No, no one pushes for it but it hangs over me from October, the dreaded conversation with DH and that sick feeli g if he says no and still feeling on edge and like I've done something wro g if he changes his mind and agrees.

"or is this a role you've had to play for a long time ?" This too, as previous post. It's been 8 years of hosting, because DH wants to be home and cook.

OP posts: