To think I should be able to invite who I want for Xmas lunch?

[BooHaa]

Well, within reason of course. My DH likes to cook Xmas lunch and believes the kids should be home all day so they can enjoy new toys. His parents like to stay home but mine usually come, which DH enjoys and always leads their invite.

This would all be a dream except I have 2 family members who don't get on and who my DH is not a fan of but will be civil. For many years one of them would come until he found friends he now spends Xmas with.

The other family member lives alone after a divorce two years ago and doesn't have any friends or other family he can spend Xmas with. He is Bipolar which is under control but sometimes he can be quite argumentative, likes a debate but can seem aggressive with a raised voice even when telling a story about someone else who's annoyed him or argued with him. I've learned to just appease him or sometimes we can debate and then change the subject. My DH feels it puts him on eggshells as DH has to bite his tongue to not lose his temper which he knows would a) ruin Xmas and b) cause a rift.

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

My DH doesn't want this family member to come for Xmas lunch. It breaks my heart to not invite them, I don't think anyone should be alone at Xmas unless by choice. DH feels I should respect his wishes to feel comfortable in his own home.

I've tried suggesting we eat out for lunch instead thinking that separates things a little more but he refuses. This particular family member came last year and there was no drama however my husband does become passive aggressively 'quieter' which I know is to make me aware he is not happy.

AIBU?

I’m with you, OP.

Can you not invite the person on a different day. You could even invite him, if you feel safe enough on a day when your DH is not there.

Your DH is not inviting his cantankerous awkward person and I dont think you should invite yours.

There is literally no one else who will invite him

When nobody else wants to invite somebody you can’t be surprised by the fact that your DH agrees with them. It very clearly shows that the issue is with this person.

It sounds like every Christmas is what you want and with your family. You say you aren’t keen on all of DH’s family but that’s not relevant since you don’t have them inflicted on you every single Christmas. I would also expect that if your DH has had enough of this visitor that your children probably have as well.

What frazzled said. You are the one making this into a big deal, it’s one meal that’s hyped to ridiculousness, of the guy acts like a nob and makes everyone else pander to him and dread their day off, he can occupy himself elsewhere, it’s nothing to do with you. Family is what we choose for ourselves. Spend 25th with your family and endure relatives some other day.

Can you not invite the person on a different day.
It’s not the same at all.

I think the OP is taking her husbands wishes into consideration, he wants to stay home every year. If they all went out to eat, or even to OP's parents then this person could also be invited, but the DH always wants to stay at home and cook. Sounds like the DH does a fair bit of controlling himself tbh!

That's ridiculously unfair.

OP has merely suggested they relocate the problem of the argumentative git to another location, which doesn't miraculously change their personality.

OP even states in her opening post "This would all be a dream" about staying at home and her husband cooking. Don't go putting some ridiculous spin on things.