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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to invite who I want for Xmas lunch?

131 replies

BooHaa · 04/12/2019 22:44

Well, within reason of course. My DH likes to cook Xmas lunch and believes the kids should be home all day so they can enjoy new toys. His parents like to stay home but mine usually come, which DH enjoys and always leads their invite.

This would all be a dream except I have 2 family members who don't get on and who my DH is not a fan of but will be civil. For many years one of them would come until he found friends he now spends Xmas with.

The other family member lives alone after a divorce two years ago and doesn't have any friends or other family he can spend Xmas with. He is Bipolar which is under control but sometimes he can be quite argumentative, likes a debate but can seem aggressive with a raised voice even when telling a story about someone else who's annoyed him or argued with him. I've learned to just appease him or sometimes we can debate and then change the subject. My DH feels it puts him on eggshells as DH has to bite his tongue to not lose his temper which he knows would a) ruin Xmas and b) cause a rift.

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

My DH doesn't want this family member to come for Xmas lunch. It breaks my heart to not invite them, I don't think anyone should be alone at Xmas unless by choice. DH feels I should respect his wishes to feel comfortable in his own home.

I've tried suggesting we eat out for lunch instead thinking that separates things a little more but he refuses. This particular family member came last year and there was no drama however my husband does become passive aggressively 'quieter' which I know is to make me aware he is not happy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheOneWithTheNewName · 05/12/2019 00:12

Your DH should be allowed to feel comfortable in his own home

theoriginalmadambee · 05/12/2019 00:20

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

Couldn't you ask your dh if he would feel fine excluding his difficult relative?

Then perhaps you could agree to invite one difficult family member each.

Otherwise ask your parents if they could invite the difficult one for something at Christmas.

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 05/12/2019 00:21

We change things every year for this very reason. Sometimes we see his family on Xmas day, sometimes we invite mine and sometimes we spend it just me, DP and dcs. I think everyone has a right to enjoy Xmas day and you've forced this on your DH for 8 years! Effectively making your DH unhappy every Christmas Day. That's pretty hard to stomach.

Surely he deserves a break and you could easily invite family member over for afternoon tea on another day during Xmas. Why is it only up to you to sort things? I feel for your DH.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/12/2019 00:33

I'm with you on this OP.

DH and I have hosted for years now.

It's our choice to do so because initially we wanted the children to enjoy Christmas without being driven around the country without their new toys and also tbh because I like cooking!

So our position has always been, we are at home for Xmas, but you're welcome to come to us.

During that time we've had to accommodate some family members (not DP's or DPIL's who are lovely) who might best be described as cantankerous at best.

The alternative was excluding them and thus Christmas alone as the only other people to host them were already coming to us.

I'm not saying it's ideal but a bit of Christmas spirit (plus a lot of Champagne) goes a long way.

Truth is we (DH and I) made a decision to stay put and there are family ramifications to that.

We could just tell our respective parents not to come and host "the troublesome ones" (TTO's) but we'd miss our parents being here as would the children.

Truth is, TTO's as exasperating as they can be, also provide endless post Christmas story fodder as a result of their antics that we will dine out on for years and the children find their behaviour predictably amusing.

I would feel terribly uncomfortable about banning them for Christmas (and in our case I'm sure they won't have many left) because when all is said and done we always have a great day and weirdly when they don't come any more it will be a bit sad.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2019 00:42

If that works for you DeRigueurMortis then fine but you say you always have a great day and it’s clear that OP’s DH is not having a great day cooking and hosting her unpleasant relative. So he shouldn’t have to keep doing it.

IAmNotAWitch · 05/12/2019 00:47

Nope, I don't have people I can't stand/don't like in my actual home.

And there is no way I would be walking on eggshells in order to stop someone else going off and wrecking my kid's Christmas.

It doesn't actually matter what the other person's reasons are for being how they are.

My house, my kids. If DH didn't like it then it wouldn't be OUR house anymore.

StoppinBy · 05/12/2019 00:50

I think you need to have a good think about whether you are only inviting him out of sympathy and to appease the guilt you would feel rather than desire to have him there.

Your husband is right IMO, spending xmas with someone who only brings stress to the day is not good for anyone. There is a reason that no one else invites him. If he wants to earn an invite then he needs to learn to adjust to those around him rather than expect those around him to keep welcoming his bad behaviour to their celebration.

SpiderHunter · 05/12/2019 00:50

Mental illnesses (like bipolar disorder) are real. And they are not the fault of the person suffering from the illness. Would you (or dp) refuse to invite a person in a wheelchair because the inconvenience irritated you?

bridgetreilly · 05/12/2019 00:51

it's because I hate the thought of people being alone, especially when they have family.

Don't you hate the thought of DH being uncomfortable, anxious and stressed in his own home on Christmas Day? Or are you totally fine with that?

dreichXmas · 05/12/2019 00:52

Neither of you should have to have someone you don't like repeatedly in your house on Xmas day.
You shouldn't be trying to pressure your DH into this.
You need to work together to find a compromise.

perfectstorm · 05/12/2019 01:13

But surely the answer is to tell your parents that this year Christmas will be just you, DH and the kids, and you'll see them on Boxing Day? That way nobody's alone and your DH gets a year of peace and quiet. It doesn't have to be every year, but if you give him alternate ones he might feel less stressed.

Though you say he has a similar family member - does that mean all his family also come, including the nightmare, which you are fine with, but he wants your own tricky relative excluded? That does alter things a little. But if it's only your family who come, then... just say this will be a quiet one.

LovePoppy · 05/12/2019 01:21

I've learned to just appease him

How sad is this?

@BooHaa look at this. You are appeasing someone who is a wild card, instead of having your own opinion, or supporting your husband.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/12/2019 01:21

anne I appreciate that, but I think the element posters have missed is that last year this person was no trouble at all and the biggest issue....

I'd also echo Spider in so far if we were talking about excluding someone with a physical disability there would be uproar on this thread.

But hey, it's all jingle bells to exclude a person with Bipolar because it makes the OP's DH grumpy.

Honestly I'm aghast at some responses on this thread.

So ready to alienate a person with a serious MH disorder, yet the overwhelming view on any thread about not inviting one child to a party or any sense of injustice wrt physical or even hidden disability is slammed.

But leaving someone alone at Christmas with a serious MH disorder is ok because the OP's husband is (frankly) lacking in empathy, understanding and acts like a teenager (passive aggressive) when he doesn't get his own way wrt to her relative but expects the OP to tolerate his "difficult" relative is FINE??????

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe....

The OP isn't the problem here, her DH is.

Ifeelinclined · 05/12/2019 01:29

Why does everyone think that they have to invite unpleasant or ill behaved guests for Christmas? You aren't responsible for this relative, OP. He can go to a friends house or another family member. But your husband has a point here. We have had this same issue this year, and I've become more and more of the belief that just because it's Christmas, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate unpleasant family members. Especially if your husband isn't ok with it.

dreichXmas · 05/12/2019 01:31

I've learned to just appease him

My DH feels it puts him on eggshells as DH has to bite his tongue to not lose his temper which he knows would a) ruin Xmas and b) cause a rift.

We don't know that his mental illness is the cause of his behavior.
He isn't not wanted because of his mental health diagnosis but because this person's behavior causes OP to go into appease mode and puts DH on eggshells.
In their own house on Xmas day.

OP states that his mental health issues are controlled so his behavior may have nothing to do with his diagnosis.

Alexapourmeadrink · 05/12/2019 01:32

DH is your family and higher up the pecking order than the unwanted relative. I wouldn’t waste feelings on guilt, just allow DH to enjoy the Christmas meal he’s worked hard for.

BillHadersNewWife · 05/12/2019 01:35

My brother is like your relative OP. He's awful. Thanks to my Mother and sister's insistence that he always be included, myself and MY children and husband now feel we can't spend Christmas with the family.

I won't put myself or my children in the way of my brother's aggression and nastiness. The last time he was roaring at me in the garden and making aggressive steps towards me. He made sure there was nobody around to see this...he knew my DH would have stepped in....so that's that.

My Mum and sisters choose to include my brother and I'm not a fool...so I'm left out.

MarySidney · 05/12/2019 01:35

But leaving someone alone at Christmas with a serious MH disorder is ok because the OP's husband is (frankly) lacking in empathy, understanding and acts like a teenager (passive aggressive) when he doesn't get his own way wrt to her relative but expects the OP to tolerate his "difficult" relative is FINE??????

But you think it's 'fine' to 'dine out for years' on stories of the 'antics' of some of your relatives? How do you think they would feel if they knew you were using them for 'post Christmas story fodder'?

EleanorShellstrop100 · 05/12/2019 01:41

YABU. Its your husbands christmas too and he deserves to not have it ruined by a loud and argumentative guest who he doesnt like. He came last year so this year should be your husbands choice.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 05/12/2019 01:44

I agree that you should uninvite your parents and explain why, then see the three of them all together boxing day or something. Then surely he can celebrate Christmas with your parents. Simple.

LovePoppy · 05/12/2019 01:45

The OP isn't the problem here, her DH is.
Why? Because he doesn’t like or want to host someone his wife is related to?

My parents were like you are with the difficult relatives. They must be invited to all. It’s no longer fun or amusing for us “kids”. One relative goes out of her way to ruin weddings. But because she’s always been invited and indulged because “she’s fragile”(re: volatile, inappropriate And attention seeking) we have to suck it up.

We have less respect for our parents for that.

Just something to think about.

Howlovely · 05/12/2019 02:00

Comparing not inviting a rude, aggressive and argumentative relative to somebody in a wheelchair is laughable. OP says his bipolar condition is well managed so it might just be that he is just a bit of an arse. People with MH issues are not exempt from being arses. His behaviour upsets her husband to the point of him not being able to enjoy Christmas in his own home, which doesn't matter one bit to the OP for some reason. Why do your husband's feelings matter so little to you? I'm not sure why you bothered posting to be honest as lots of people have made sensible compromise suggestions but you are not interested. All you want is to hear that yes, you are being perfectly reasonable in inviting this person to Christmas yet again and ruining your husband's Christmas yet again. Winning this little battle seems so important to you that you risk damaging your relationship with your husband! To be honest, you are actually the selfish one! What do you do for this family member the rest of the year? Or is it just Christmas day you don't like them being alone? Maybe you could help them work on being more pleasant to be around and you won't have to ruin any more of your husband's Christmases.

TheTeenageYears · 05/12/2019 02:39

OP your DH is already getting his way by insisting on having Christmas at home. The fact that he's willing to cook doesn't negate the fact that he is getting his wish.

Unfortunately life is full of compromise so the compromise DH has to make is accommodating someone he would rather not. Alternatively your parents can host and you have part of the day at home and part of the day with them. It still means he will spend time with someone he doesn't want to but could be for a shorter, more controllable amount of time. DH is clearly fine with not seeing his parents but it's not fair to expect you to feel the same way about your's.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/12/2019 02:45

To clarify - when we "dine out" on these anecdotes it's with affection and not cruelty
and only within the family. It's not dinner party fodder.

Wrt suggestions that the rest of the family are unhappy with arrangements (to quote "my parents are like you") including my children, well actually no they are not.

I know that because we've spoken openly and honestly about the situation. They are not expected to "put up and shut up" as if I possibly could somehow evoke such a reaction in teenagers.

This isn't about an arsey relative. It's someone whose is ill and by all accounts was well behaved last Christmas.

But hey it's AIBU - which usually translates to "give no fucks".

Merry Christmas Xmas Grin

Creepster · 05/12/2019 02:58

Your H's refusal to negotiate a compromise after 8 years of hosting is inappropriate. He wants to be comfy in his home and too bad for you if you live there too.
You and your brother need to go to your parents or go out with your parents for Christmas lunch. If H wants to come that would be fine.
Talk to your mom about no wanting to continue hosting.