To think I should be able to invite who I want for Xmas lunch?

[BooHaa]

Well, within reason of course. My DH likes to cook Xmas lunch and believes the kids should be home all day so they can enjoy new toys. His parents like to stay home but mine usually come, which DH enjoys and always leads their invite.

This would all be a dream except I have 2 family members who don't get on and who my DH is not a fan of but will be civil. For many years one of them would come until he found friends he now spends Xmas with.

The other family member lives alone after a divorce two years ago and doesn't have any friends or other family he can spend Xmas with. He is Bipolar which is under control but sometimes he can be quite argumentative, likes a debate but can seem aggressive with a raised voice even when telling a story about someone else who's annoyed him or argued with him. I've learned to just appease him or sometimes we can debate and then change the subject. My DH feels it puts him on eggshells as DH has to bite his tongue to not lose his temper which he knows would a) ruin Xmas and b) cause a rift.

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

My DH doesn't want this family member to come for Xmas lunch. It breaks my heart to not invite them, I don't think anyone should be alone at Xmas unless by choice. DH feels I should respect his wishes to feel comfortable in his own home.

I've tried suggesting we eat out for lunch instead thinking that separates things a little more but he refuses. This particular family member came last year and there was no drama however my husband does become passive aggressively 'quieter' which I know is to make me aware he is not happy.

AIBU?

Have you discussed this situation with your parents? Why not ask them whether they could host their relative this year as you had him last year? Why don’t people actually talk to their loved ones about the things that really matter in their lives???

It's quite simple. Your parents have their own Christmas and invite him. You and DH have yours. Everyone's happy. You can go and visit parents etc later if you wish. Simple.

Definitely let the kids and DH be comfortable in their own home, though.

Can you ask you parents to have him? Then all of them come for cake in the evening?

I have a close family member who sucks the joy out of every family occasion. I've invited her to my house out of duty/obligation/guilt for years but after going almost NC this year I'm actually looking forward to a quiet, chilled Christmas this year. She has had an invite elsewhere (from a family member who frankly should have been doing their fair share for years but hasn't) but it is because of the joy-sucking that she doesn't get invites from anyone else, as we do have a large family.

Don't force your dh into something he's not comfortable with (at Christmas or any time) just because you feel guilty about someone - who you know can be challenging - being on their own.

If the situation was reversed you would expect your husband to back you up or understand your situation. By not caring how your husband feels you are showing that the family member is more important than your husband. Are they more important than your husband? If not then please take your husbands feelings into consideration, you had the relative over last year, give your husband a break.

I have this with dh family member. They have got better but previously their hilarious (not) comments and digs have upset me and my family. However, there’s no way I could enjoy my Christmas Day thinking they were home alone. The situations is made better by more people being there. Could you invite more of your DHs family?

I think your DH is being a bit precious for demanding that you have Christmas at yours every year because he enjoys cooking the Christmas lunch.
Ask your parents to have Christmas lunch at theirs, invite the relative so he isn't alone on Christmas day and then they can come to yours in the evening.

Tbph, I wouldn't be keen to give up my Christmas - and certainly not the second in a row - to accommodate someone whom my spouse has 'learned to appease'. That phrase from your OP is quite telling. I think your relative's behaviour may be worse than you are making out or perhaps see. You choosing to go the route of placating him doesn't mean you can impose this choice on your husband and children.

If my dh and dc disappeared overnight (I don't have my own family any more) I can think of at least five people/families off the top of my head who would be pleased to have me for Christmas. There'll be a reason your relative has nobody.

For those seeing MH discrimination here, I think the bipolar is a red herring. This from upthread: 'People with MH issues are not exempt from being arses.'

You’re pissed off at inviting your parents every year. But still do it. You’re pissed off with your parents for never inviting your family member yet why would they when they expect you to invite the 3 of them yourself?

Your dh accepts you inviting your parents every year. But then there’s your family member (presumably cousin / uncle), who is rude despite having his mental health condition under control and you also want to invite him.

I’m with your dh. Stop being so passive aggressive. Stop inviting your parents every year. Have a family Christmas without them and have them all over on Boxing Day.

You say Christmas Day is “the day”. Exactly. It’s the day to be a family with your dh and kids from time to time.

@MistyCloud I'm so confused why you tagged me in your post I'm not the OP and I suggested basically exactly what you said and was the first responder...

So this relative has come around every year? Meaning your husband has never had his wishes respected on this topic ever? I think you’re being quite single minded and unfair to your husband. He’s the one doing the cooking, it’s his house too and yet every year he’s the one being made to feel uncomfortable in his own home? Can’t he have it his way just once?

Since you asked, yes YABU. It’s quite telling that no one else will invite this relative around for Christmas, there’s obviously a reason for that. I guarantee your husband will resent you for this, I think you need to take a step back and decide if this battle is worth the potential consequences.

Another yabu from here. Christmas is a lovely time of year that shouldn't be considered just one day so you can see your relative on any day during xmas week surely? Let your DH have his Xmas this year and in January sit down and agree what you'll do next year instead of dancing about trying to make him invite someone awful into your home from Oct. As Pp have said there is a good reason no-one wants your relative around so why make it your DHs problem?

I think the element posters have missed is that last year this person was no trouble at all and the biggest issue

In OPs biased opinion though. She was glad they came, dh was not and was walking on eggshells and quiet. Even if someone behaves 'good' in your opinion, you often judge them against awful previous behaviour therefore overlook and are more lenient and thankful. The 'good' behaviour maybe in the eye of the beholder. Dh obviously doesn't agree.

The poor fucker has had 8 years treading on eggshells or being stressed by your relative OP. I think you are being very very unfair. If his relative is a pain, tell him! You might be happy sucking it up, but he's not.

Tell your parents relative isn't invited and suggest they spend time with them instead. I wonder if their reaction will be similar to your dhs?

YANBU! I can't believe most of these responses.
DH has dictated each year that your whole family must stay home all day so he can cook and kids play. He is happy to have your parents over so that's OK, but he doesn't want/like your relative and so you can't invite him?
Sorry but it sounds like he has had his way every year unless you beg, argue and plead with him to include your family member. It's OK for him to feel comfortable in his own home but at the expense of your happiness at Christmas.
Hasn't left you with any options in regards to eating out or staying at home and then visiting your parents and him later.

Christmas is about family, love, kindness and reaching out to those around us who have no one, are lonely or sick. We have had a few weird guests over the years but we laugh about it after. I would feel terrible knowing one of my family members was left alone not by choice.
OP you have a good heart. I think you should call out your husband on his memory loss each year and say you don't want to fight about it every Christmas so you both have to compromise. It's important for him to stay home and hoat/cook so he has to accept your family coming to you as that is important for you at Christmas.
I was so outraged that I had to comment, it's my first one 😂! This is obviously just going from what you have told us.

Just picked up on this from the OP
DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.. Does this relative actually get invited or does your DH actually want them coming?
And up until last year you had 2 difficult family members of yours coming every Christmas!

DH has dictated each year that your whole family must stay home all day so he can cook and kids play. He is happy to have your parents over so that's OK, but he doesn't want/like your relative and so you can't invite him?

I do think this has been slightly overlooked, but at the same time I think it's not the same.

OP hasn't expressed any burning desire to go out, go to anyone else for Christmas, her DH wants to do so for the children, AND he does the labour of cooking.

OP has avoided replying to the question of how her children feel about the relative, or how she feels about her husband not enjoying herself.

OP you have a good heart.

Selectively, not towards her husband or children. Some people are like that.

And up until last year you had 2 difficult family members of yours coming every Christmas!

Another largely ignored point.

Ah @FrancisCrawford l mistakenly inferred the 2 members of OPs family from this bit I have 2 family members who don't get on and who my DH is not a fan of but will be civil. For many years one of them would come until he found friends he now spends Xmas with. Stand corrected!

@DeRigueurMortis - to me, the fact that this relative behaved well last year is only part of the equation. They have behaved badly and caused tension/upset in the past, and so @BooHaa‘s dh was probably feeling that he was walking on eggshells the whole day, in case the relative kicked off, and this will have spoiled his Christmas.

There’s no suggestion they regularly host her DHs awkward relative - they may be a red herring comparison

But your husband IS your family and this individual clearly makes your OH uncomfortable. From your description I wouldn't want them at my house either. You are responsible for them

YABU, I’m with your DH. My SIL is an absolute nightmare, she also has bipolar which isn’t controlled well and she loves to argue and sometimes physically fight people. I would hate her being in my home on Christmas Day, it would completely ruin Christmas. Thankfully my DH wouldn’t like it either so it’s not an issue for me.

It is your DH’s home and Christmas Day too, he shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in his own safe space.