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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to invite who I want for Xmas lunch?

131 replies

BooHaa · 04/12/2019 22:44

Well, within reason of course. My DH likes to cook Xmas lunch and believes the kids should be home all day so they can enjoy new toys. His parents like to stay home but mine usually come, which DH enjoys and always leads their invite.

This would all be a dream except I have 2 family members who don't get on and who my DH is not a fan of but will be civil. For many years one of them would come until he found friends he now spends Xmas with.

The other family member lives alone after a divorce two years ago and doesn't have any friends or other family he can spend Xmas with. He is Bipolar which is under control but sometimes he can be quite argumentative, likes a debate but can seem aggressive with a raised voice even when telling a story about someone else who's annoyed him or argued with him. I've learned to just appease him or sometimes we can debate and then change the subject. My DH feels it puts him on eggshells as DH has to bite his tongue to not lose his temper which he knows would a) ruin Xmas and b) cause a rift.

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

My DH doesn't want this family member to come for Xmas lunch. It breaks my heart to not invite them, I don't think anyone should be alone at Xmas unless by choice. DH feels I should respect his wishes to feel comfortable in his own home.

I've tried suggesting we eat out for lunch instead thinking that separates things a little more but he refuses. This particular family member came last year and there was no drama however my husband does become passive aggressively 'quieter' which I know is to make me aware he is not happy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Drabarni · 04/12/2019 23:31

Anne beat me to it.
"Will nobody think of the children"?

FrancisCrawford · 04/12/2019 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Singlenotsingle · 04/12/2019 23:35

That's your answer then. Explain to your parents that you're not inviting them this year, and the reason why. They can have him, and they can come to you on Boxing Day

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:35

@AnneLovesGilbert

No this is what DH does when he is pissed off, for hours he will say he is fine and being normal then at some point, sometimes days later he will complain, argue, shout about the thing I knew was the issue in The first place. Its just who he is, this is not about that, he's not controlling at all.

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 04/12/2019 23:35

“he doesn't have to sit and entertain this person, just be polite and welcoming then wander off to do something else” and miss the dinner that he has cooked?

OP, you don’t even know if it is an issue. Also, spending Xmas day in your own need not be a massive thing. I have friends who do it ( I go to take care of elderly rellies) and they volunteer on various projects or enjoy chilling out.

Can you pop round and visit the relative for an hour at some stage?

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:38

Just to reiterate, there was no drama last year, he was a perfect guest.

OP posts:
friedbeansandcheese · 04/12/2019 23:40

Well, if you put up with your husband’s similar relative, then he has to put up with yours or else it’s not fair. You need to say this to him. What does he say?

Cyllie33 · 04/12/2019 23:40

Hmm. That’s really difficult OP - I don’t think it’s an easy AIBU and really feel for you.

I would feel the same as you. It doesn’t sound as if this family member has actually caused trouble at your home, more that he is quite difficult?

I appreciate your partner’s point of view -but I agree with you, it’s tough to leave family on their own on Christmas Day without a huge back story.

Is it possible for you to have Christmas Day just with DH and children and host a Boxing Day so your parents can host the other relative on Christmas Day? Can you at least talk to them about this?

If not, have you truly explained to your partner how awful it would make you feel for them to be on their own? As opposed to just suggesting you invite them? He may be more sympathetic if he can see it as helping you not them (this is assuming that the family member, while difficult, has not caused trauma for you both in the past).

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2019 23:41

When your annoying abrasive visitor is still there it’s not the time to air your resentment and it doesn’t sound like him telling you that the rude guest he didn’t want anyway is bugging him would go down well with you - you know he’s not happy and is having a shit time so you don’t need to ask do you?

Him shouting isn’t okay but you’re expecting him to accept your choice of company, knowing how he feels and the affect it’s having on him and your children, and to do it with a smile on his face.

Cyllie33 · 04/12/2019 23:42

Ah cross post. If he has not caused issues at your home before then yes, I would invite him for Christmas

FrancisCrawford · 04/12/2019 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frazzledasarock · 04/12/2019 23:42

Does this person come over every single Christmas?

I’d give your DH a break and not invite your relative this year. Ask your husband if you can do alternate years.

To be honest this person sounds unpleasant and you sound like a martyr. You don’t have to invite people For Christmas. If you’re aggressive and argumentative it’s a natural consequence of your behaviour that people won’t want you around spoiling their festive occasions.

Your DH wanting to spend time with his family cooking for them and enjoying the day without feeling uncomfortable and upset is not unreasonable at all.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2019 23:43

If it went so well last year, why was your husband quiet?

FrancisCrawford · 04/12/2019 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 04/12/2019 23:46

It's your husband's Christmas as well. He did it your way last year, now it's his turn.

You could always plate him up the food and go visit him if you want on the evening or booking day.

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2019 23:49

To me Christmas is about family.

Isn't your husband family?

Shodan · 04/12/2019 23:53

Does your DH know that you dislike one of his family members?

TBH it comes across a bit as though you're determined to play the Benevolent Hostess- inviting difficult people to your home on Christmas Day so you can feel good about yourself. But in the process you're making your DH feel bad in his own home, on Christmas Day. Why would you want to do that?

You intimate that this family member of yous was an ideal guest last year. Was he? Or were you appeasing him all day in order not to have him become aggressive and argumentative?

Original poster
BooHaa · 04/12/2019 23:54

Yes it is about me and what I want, but it's because I hate the thought of people being alone, especially when they have family.

I feel like plating a dinner up is nice but how on earth do I get past the elephant in the room that he isn't invited to my house even though my parents are coming? So everyone who came last year is there except for him, and he did nothing wrong Sad

Gosh it breaks my heart even thinking about it.

DH does understand it upsets me which is why he's agreed in the past but for some reason his understanding wears off after 11 months and I'm back to square one.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 04/12/2019 23:59

If my DP insisted I cook and host a person who was vile and ruined our Christmas because I had to walk on eggshells around them all day and bite my tongue in case it sent them into an aggressive argument. I’d be reassessing my relationship with said partner.

Why do your feelings matter more than everyone else’s?

ittakes2 · 05/12/2019 00:00

I think your dh deserves a break from him. He doesn’t have to be alone he can volunteer for a charity.

BackforGood · 05/12/2019 00:01

But as everyone is pointing out - why to you think it is okay for your dh to "understanding" and to "put up with" {hosting someone he doesn't like particularly} every Christmas ?

Doesn't he deserve to enjoy some of his Christmases, and be able to relax in his own home ?

gamerchick · 05/12/2019 00:02

Maybe this year dont invite anyone for the actual day and spend it as a family. Make boxing day for family. I've done that a few times.

Notso · 05/12/2019 00:05

Maybe this year dont invite anyone for the actual day and spend it as a family. Make boxing day for family. I've done that a few times.

Yes I'd do this. I often feel Boxing Day is the better day anyway it feels more relaxed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2019 00:05

Then you need to uninvite your parents and say you’ll see all three of them at some other point over the Christmas period.

You haven’t said how your children feel or why your DH was quiet last year if this man behaved so well.

MistyCloud · 05/12/2019 00:06

@FatAndFurious7

YABU.

Both of you have to be comfortable and happy with who is invited ANYtime, let alone at Christmas.

Can you not just see these people a few days before, (like 22nd-23rd December,) and spend Christmas day and Boxing day with just him, and the kids?

I can never understand this obsession (some) people have, with having to be with everyone they are related to, on Christmas day! It would so much less stressful for EVERYONE, if they just met their extended family 2-3 days before Christmas, and maybe went out for a meal together. And then just stayed with their immediate family (partner and kids,) for Christmas day and Boxing day.

Seeing everyone you're related to (on Christmas day and often Boxing day too,) seems SO dated now. It harks back to the days where everyone in the extended family lived within a mile of one another, most women didn't work, and everyone socialised in the 3 or 4 pubs that were 5 to 10 minutes walk from where most of them lived.

Even then people would often just pop in for less than half an hour, and say 'hi,' drop a few presents off, and then tootle off to their own Christmas lunch. But now, there is this obsession with having to spend all Christmas day (and as I said, Boxing day too,) with extended family - who you often don't even like that much! Confused

I literally can't understand this obsession with having to see everyone you're both related to on Christmas day and Boxing day, and spend every waking bloody hour of those 2 days with them - even stopping over sometimes and even staying longer than the 2 days! There's 360 or so other days of the year that you can see each other.

And people needn't bother saying 'some people have other commitments throughout the year.' I don't believe for a second that Christmas is the only time people are available to meet up with their extended family.

And it doesn't help with passive aggressive and manipulative family members wanting to spend Christmas day and Boxing day with other extended family members, and making other family members feel like shit if they don't comply.

I know a few people who parents/grandparents/MIL/FIL would never speak to them again if they don't go and see them Christmas day and spend at least 4 hours with them. Or preferably, have them around, and wait on them hand and foot all day. (And Boxing day too!)