Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to invite who I want for Xmas lunch?

131 replies

BooHaa · 04/12/2019 22:44

Well, within reason of course. My DH likes to cook Xmas lunch and believes the kids should be home all day so they can enjoy new toys. His parents like to stay home but mine usually come, which DH enjoys and always leads their invite.

This would all be a dream except I have 2 family members who don't get on and who my DH is not a fan of but will be civil. For many years one of them would come until he found friends he now spends Xmas with.

The other family member lives alone after a divorce two years ago and doesn't have any friends or other family he can spend Xmas with. He is Bipolar which is under control but sometimes he can be quite argumentative, likes a debate but can seem aggressive with a raised voice even when telling a story about someone else who's annoyed him or argued with him. I've learned to just appease him or sometimes we can debate and then change the subject. My DH feels it puts him on eggshells as DH has to bite his tongue to not lose his temper which he knows would a) ruin Xmas and b) cause a rift.

DH has a similar family member but I never argue or get cross with them out of respect and I'd never refuse any of his family a seat at my table at Christmas.

My DH doesn't want this family member to come for Xmas lunch. It breaks my heart to not invite them, I don't think anyone should be alone at Xmas unless by choice. DH feels I should respect his wishes to feel comfortable in his own home.

I've tried suggesting we eat out for lunch instead thinking that separates things a little more but he refuses. This particular family member came last year and there was no drama however my husband does become passive aggressively 'quieter' which I know is to make me aware he is not happy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PippiDeLena · 05/12/2019 16:25

YABU, your husband shouldn't have to walk on eggshells all day for someone he doesn't even like.

All your posts are about your own guilt. You talk about how you get so upset at the thought of not inviting annoying family member, you feel so guilty leaving him on his own. You have never said that you actively want the family member there. You've not said you enjoy his company, or that you get along well; you're motivated entirely by guilt. Why is that? Why are you putting yourself in the role of self sacrificing family saver? This, and the 'appeasement' comment, indicate some really messed up relationships in your family.

MoreFeministThanThou · 05/12/2019 16:36

Im Confused do you actually have DHs obnoxious family member for xmas ?

If so, he is being unreasonable.

Also everyone is making a point of dh being forced to "host" and cook for your family, but is Christmas a one off? Or does he normally do all the cooking? Swanning in on xmas day and making demands if he isn't the one who normally cooks based on this one occasion if it is normally you who deals with family is unfair

thecatsthecats · 05/12/2019 16:37

All your posts are about your own guilt. You talk about how you get so upset at the thought of not inviting annoying family member, you feel so guilty leaving him on his own.

For what it's worth, there's actually no evidence of a burning desire of this relative to spend time with OP's family.

My brother (objectionable, but not as bad as this guy sounds) has no real desire to bother with me, nor I him. He happily shows up when my parents visit, but he never bothers to visit them up north, and we don't bother each other without my parents present.

I seriously doubt he'd be bothered at being left out - he just makes an appearance as it's been asked of him.

Heismyopendoor · 05/12/2019 16:37

YABU

This person doesn’t sound very nice, why would you even want someone you’ve learned to appease in your home?

You should respect your DH ‘s wishes to feel comfortable in his own home. Maybe don’t invite your parents and just have you DH and your kids.

BackforGood · 05/12/2019 17:07

Comparing not inviting a rude, aggressive and argumentative relative to somebody in a wheelchair is laughable. OP says his bipolar condition is well managed so it might just be that he is just a bit of an arse. People with MH issues are not exempt from being arses. His behaviour upsets her husband to the point of him not being able to enjoy Christmas in his own home, which doesn't matter one bit to the OP for some reason.

This ^

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 05/12/2019 17:13

I'm on you're dh side with this one Christmas is about the dc and they should be at home enjoying their presents they shouldn't have to be on tender hooks incase said family member blows up.

notnowmaybelater · 05/12/2019 17:22

My mum used to always invite her nasty misogynist brother, even though he talked over her to my dad and made alternately creepy and sneery comments to or about her daughters, ate really, really loudly and left in a huff once because he didn't feel sufficiently the center of attention.

He continued to treat her badly and she continued to be a doormat and expect her daughters to be, until he died. He had nowhere else to go because he'd driven away 3 wives (he was quite a high earner...) and his own 3 children...

I'm not a fan of Christmas, as an adult - it's a show I put on for my kids.

FrancisCrawford · 05/12/2019 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/12/2019 18:45

Honestly, how did you end up here? Did you invite your parents presuming that your husband would give in again? Or were you previously okay with him being alone this year but now you've changed your mind?

McCanne · 05/12/2019 18:54

I have sympathy for you both, it can’t be a nice Christmas for your dh if he’s walking on eggshells and feels uncomfortable. However I also have a couple of relatives like that (who doesn’t!) and it would bother me a lot if they or any others were on their own at Christmas. Is there a compromise possible, like inviting him for a shorter time?

Vulpine · 05/12/2019 19:13

These 'difficult' people cause rows when they're there and rows when they're not.

mbosnz · 05/12/2019 19:18

Is there a compromise? Like year on, year off? I really don't think your husband is being unreasonable, wanting to focus on his family having a relaxed enjoyable Christmas, particularly when he's doing the hard yards of cooking. He's fine with your parents. It's just this one relative that he has a real and apparently valid antipathy for, who he has put up with for your sake thus far.

Christmas means one thing to you, and one thing to him. The funny thing is, it seems to mean family to both of you, it just seems you have a different definition of what family is central to the meaning.

Aragog · 05/12/2019 19:24

I can see why your husband doesn't want him there.

Who wants to spend Christmas trying to appease an aggressive and argumentative adult in their own home, every year?

I must make for a tense atmosphere and it is hardly conducive for a nice relaxing family Christmas Day.

I'd hate it and would find myself become quiet and trying to hide out in other rooms to get away from the arguments and aggressive behaviour. That wouldn't be me being passive aggressive - it would be me trying to avoid having my day spoilt too much.

Bunnylady53 · 05/12/2019 19:30

“ Tenterhooks “

Aragog · 05/12/2019 19:33

You say the relative was the perfect guest last year.

If so, why is the DH not wanting him this year?? Has he been round more recently and behaved in this aggressive manner? Hence why it's come up again?

And how come he was a perfect guest when he is normally aggressive and argumentative? Is it because you and your parents were constantly appeasing him and steering conversation to avoid any confrontation? Ie everyone else on edge making sure he didn't start.

Newbie1981 · 05/12/2019 19:42

I understand his POV but don't understand how he is happy for this person to be alone because of him! He doesn't sound bad enough to leave out and I would be so disappointed in my husband if he behaved like this. Granted it's home but it's Christmas, he should rise above it

mbosnz · 05/12/2019 19:45

Well, I'm just wondering, if it were a woman saying ' I really don't want DH to invite his brother, he's Bi-polar, and while that's well managed, he's always really rude and aggressive and argumentative', I'm happy to have his Mum and Dad, but this guy really makes Christmas very tense and nervous for me and the kids, and I don't feel I should have to deal with this in my own home at Christmas - would there be a different reaction from some posters?

Ummmmcake · 05/12/2019 19:49

First if all the good behaviour last year us a red herring. An abusive husband might only abuse his wife approximately every tenth day, but she is still in fear every single day. OP's DH didn't know there wouldn't be any problems beforehand. Second: So OP would feel guilty if not inviting the difficult relative? I wonder how guilty she'll feel when her DCs later ask her why she insisted on ruining every single Christmas.

My parents did feel guilty later on for having made me and my DB spend every single Christmas for more than ten years with my alcoholic uncle. I didn't get Christmas back until that uncle died and then it was quite difficult to find the Christmas spirit again.

ferntwist · 05/12/2019 19:56

Sorry but you really have to put your husband’s wishes before concern for your relative this year. It’s not fair to keep inviting him when he doesn’t want him there and for good reason. It’s not your responsibility to make sure a divorced argumentative relative has a happy Christmas, but your DH’s happy day is your call on this occasion. He’s been flexible in the past as well. Let him relax in your own home this year.

BackInTime · 05/12/2019 20:06

I agree OP and I think I would find it really difficult to uninvite a family member especially if it means them being alone. It's just one day for a few hours - is it really that bad?

Sickofrain · 05/12/2019 20:07

I'm sure it's unintentional, but you're being really selfish to your husband, possibly as a result of insisting that you continue to martyr yourself re your parents!

You can't have your preferred/ least unwanted choice every year. Don't ask your parents, let them host difficult relative and give your poor dh a break. You are not being fair!

Grumpelstilskin · 05/12/2019 20:11

I think you are a bit out of order to prioritise someone outside your immediate family over your DH. It is his home too and he is entitled to have a nice time on Xmas, especially as he had to put up with this person on a number of occasions before.

Geschwister4 · 05/12/2019 20:15

I think it’s only fair to consider your DHs feeling in this, rather than insisting your concerns for an argumentative and aggressive guest take priority.

It's been 8 years of hosting, because DH wants to be home and cook.

I think the OP is taking her husbands wishes into consideration, he wants to stay home every year. If they all went out to eat, or even to OP's parents then this person could also be invited, but the DH always wants to stay at home and cook. Sounds like the DH does a fair bit of controlling himself tbh!

LovePoppy · 05/12/2019 20:16

@DeRigueurMortis I know that because we've spoken openly and honestly about the situation. They are not expected to "put up and shut up" as if I possibly could somehow evoke such a reaction in teenagers.

I’d have said the same as a teenager. It was not until I was an adult and this relative started ruining all of our important events that I realized exactly what we have been putting up with for all of those years.

Seriously. Baby showers and weddings. So very much ridiculous drama pandered to. Apparently I am the first person ever to have said no to her.

Groovinpeanut · 05/12/2019 20:24

I think you're a bit over dramatic OP with all your worried hand wringing about being broken hearted because someone can't come for Christmas lunch.
Your husband has been having this person for lunch for 8 yrs!!!
He has a right to enjoy his Christmas lunch and the day too. As you say Christmas is about family...Your family includes your husband!
Have you ever thought just how much tension may be apparent to your husband and children whilst you are so absorbed in appeasing this relative so they don't kick off?
Your manipulation and guilt tripping aren't fair on your husband. He'll only take so much.