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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“We have had paedophiles here”

171 replies

NicEv · 04/12/2019 22:37

I took my kids age three and six swimming at a local leisure centre tonight. After swimming we got in the shower which is a mixed shower located in the changing room. My three year old was cold so she took her costume off while showering. I was emptying the locker and grabbing towels nearby and I saw member of staff approach my little girl and tell her to put her costume back on. I said “she is cold, I am just grabbing towels “ and she said “no nudity in the shower”. I replied “she is three !” And the woman then said in front of both my kids “she needs to be dressed, we have had paedophiles here before”. Prompting my six year old to say “what is a paedophile mummy?” At which point the member of staff just walked off.

AIBU to be cross about this - I feel annoyed she told my three year old to put her costume back on and really cross she made the comment about paedophiles in front of the kids.

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 06/12/2019 11:56

"When I read your title, I thought you were talking about MN. There definitely seems to be an upsurge in a 'certain' kind of poster lately."
Pardon? Can you explain please. Are you saying there has been an upsurge in paedophiles posting on Mumsnet?

NicEv · 06/12/2019 12:10

Er ... I haven’t conditioned her to run around naked in public. She was in the shower!

Neither of my kids have ever had any issue understanding they need to wear clothes at nursery and school.

Some of the posts on this thread are just plain weird!

OP posts:
9toenails · 06/12/2019 15:22

As ever, it is an education reading MN.

I am surprised at the large numbers of posters of the 'How awful is nakedness/nudity! Cover up your children at all times! There are paedo perverts everywhere!' stripe. But since such people exist, particularly it seems in Britain, those of us who see nothing particularly wrong with nakedness need to take account of their opinions and feelings.

That does not excuse the attendant who interacted so badly with OP and her child; no excuse for that. I would have been very annoyed. But still, yes, we need to compromise so as to avoid offending each others' sensibilities.

There are some caveats. I am an old man. I often have taken grandchildren, boys and girls, swimming, both in UK and elsewhere. Sometimes I have had force majeur to take granddaughters into men's changing rooms. Make them shower with their cossies on? Nope, at least not if they don't want to. The child is the most important person, imo; that decides matters there. If some perverted man were to get his rocks off somehow by looking at my granddaughter, I would not be too pleased (and if I found out, he had better watch out!), but still, on balance, and given my own views, I will not force such discomfort on a child, minor though such discomfort may seem to some.

(I feel the same, mutatis mutandis, about my own comfort. In communal-open-shower changing rooms, I do know there are some people who dislike the sight of naked bodies such as mine, aged and wrinkly as it is. But, well, tant pis; I do not enjoy showering wearing a cossie. So, tough on them.)

As for compromise, there does seem to be an answer in extra 'mixed' areas. One pool I visit (not in UK) has three changing rooms: 'Men', 'Women', 'Mixed-or-no-gender'. There I use the latter, despite disagreeing with the word 'gender' as used so. There I can go with my partner, children, grandchildren, whoever, and not worry about people getting upset at anyone's nakedness. (And my comments above about pervy men apply there too.) There is an added advantage, too, in that it seems very few people class themselves as 'mixed-or-no-gender' so there is always lots of space. True, I have had some funny looks (guess from whom?), but, again, tant pis for that.

So, compromise with added mixed changing -- at least until everyone loses their hangups about nakedness. I am not holding my breath on either of these outcomes in UK, so, meanwhile, those who dislike/fear nakedness, think just a bit more about those of us who do not, children especially included ...

... Do not you tell us or our children to cover up, and we will not tell you or your children to strip off. Deal?

busybarbara · 06/12/2019 15:52

It’s not just about the risk to the child but showering in the presence of a naked child will make a lot of people very uncomfortable. If you’re prone to staring into space and accidentally “look” at someone’s naked child you could end up in a right world of pain

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lightkeeper · 08/12/2019 14:20

How can your child be cold in a (presumably) warm shower?!? I just don't get it? And why don't you have towels right where the showers are?

I mean... if I go swimming, I always have a towel. That towel also comes with me to the shower area...

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2019 14:21

I don't want to see anyone's ugly unhygienic genitals flaunted about.

Good grief how fucked up are you. ‘Flaunting genitals’? The child is three years old.

Get help.

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 14:53

Teaching kids that privates are private and should be covered up in public is nothing to do with hang ups.

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2019 14:59

That’s not what I was referring to.

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 15:32

What then?

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2019 15:36

Apparently you don’t understand that “flaunting genitals” is inappropriate, indeed nauseating, language to apply to a small child.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/12/2019 15:38

Kids should be covered up there have been people filmed covertly

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 15:41

And like others have said I can't really visualise how this happened. You said he walked towards you? So how were you still arguing if he wasn't with you? Confused.

loutypips · 08/12/2019 15:56

I always think people who are most concerned about lurking paedophiles are of a similar mindset

@Vulpine be realistic. Maybe some of us that are worried have been abused.
I know someone who was attacked, on a school swimming trip by a stranger in the changing room.
Hence I won't take dd swimming at pools that don't have single sex spaces.

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 19:02

Apparently you don’t understand that “flaunting genitals” is inappropriate, indeed nauseating, language to apply to a small child.
I guess it is the parent doing the flaunting. 'Hey look at my dc, I am such a rebel I defy social conventions,

TatianaLarina · 08/12/2019 19:08

Just stop.

Tvstar · 08/12/2019 19:13

Who the fuc are yu telling me what to do. Justify your personal attack on me, if you u can

Sparklyboots · 08/12/2019 19:57

I think nudity is a red herring in the exposure-to-paedophiles debate. I mean think about a beach, where everyone's in their cozzies and bikinis... vs a nudist beach where everyone is naked. The nudist beach is definitely the least erotically charged of the two. The nudist may in fact be the least erotically charged place on the entire planet. Whether the child is dressed or not is not the issue really.

You can't stop people thinking about you or your children in whatever way they choose. Safeguarding is about managing relationships around the child, not the child's sartorial choices

Hairyfairy01 · 08/12/2019 20:02

From experience that staff member may well have known what customers were using the pool that day, or were likely too. Unfortunately mixed showers will be a target for such people. Listen to her and thank her.

NicEv · 08/12/2019 20:28

Thank you TatianaLarina. I suspect TVstar is a troll so won’t give him or her the attention they are so desperately seeking from behind their little keyboard or signify their horrible comments with any response.

To everyone else , I have read the comments carefully and given it a lot of thought. Thank you to almost all posters who have posted viewpoints with care and compassion on what is a tricky and upsetting topic.

OP posts:
Baboomtsk · 08/12/2019 20:30

@Spacebowlisback

Because then they wouldn't be mixed changing facilities?

But yes, I think having single sex changing facilities is generally preferable.

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