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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“We have had paedophiles here”

171 replies

NicEv · 04/12/2019 22:37

I took my kids age three and six swimming at a local leisure centre tonight. After swimming we got in the shower which is a mixed shower located in the changing room. My three year old was cold so she took her costume off while showering. I was emptying the locker and grabbing towels nearby and I saw member of staff approach my little girl and tell her to put her costume back on. I said “she is cold, I am just grabbing towels “ and she said “no nudity in the shower”. I replied “she is three !” And the woman then said in front of both my kids “she needs to be dressed, we have had paedophiles here before”. Prompting my six year old to say “what is a paedophile mummy?” At which point the member of staff just walked off.

AIBU to be cross about this - I feel annoyed she told my three year old to put her costume back on and really cross she made the comment about paedophiles in front of the kids.

OP posts:
Spacebowlisback · 05/12/2019 00:37

Most adults in female changing rooms quite happily walk around naked. I think we know where the problem lies.

It’s no different to claiming a woman who is stability dressed is asking for it. We’re victim shaming kids now.

Spacebowlisback · 05/12/2019 00:38

*scantily, not stability fgs.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 05/12/2019 00:42

YANBU, inappropriate of the staff member and I would complain.

There's not much difference to a pedophile between the swimming costume and her nakedness. Imagine not being able to be naked in a shower!

Your 3 year old has nothing to be scared about being naked, poor her for thinking that.

Brittany2019 · 05/12/2019 00:44

*Today 00:25 Spacebowlisback

Jesus Christ why is the onus on a prepubescent child to keep her clothes on rather than keeping men away from mixed changing facilities? The world is mad.*

Totally! I feel a bit sick that people are essentially victim-blaming a three-year-old (ok, her mother) for not keeping her clothes on.

I have a three-year-old that has no concept of personal prudery, and i would rather that 99.99 men feel affronted than that my three-year-old feels the need to cover up in case some pervert is looking at my three-year-old’s vulva.

Adenosine · 05/12/2019 00:51

What's appalling is that the child can't undertake the very normal activity of freely getting changed after swimming because there isn't an area she can safely do it in. The staff member is not at fault for trying to keep the child safe, but the leisure facility is definitely at fault for not providing single sex changing rooms.

So paedophiles have been found taking advantage of mixed sex areas? Well, colour me surprised. 🙄

Monty27 · 05/12/2019 00:56

Well then they should do private showers for each gender. Paedophiles and their victims are sometimes even, guess what? The same gender. Aged differently too.
OP your post is unbelievable.
Shock

VenusTiger · 05/12/2019 01:04

Lets face it, most adults wouldn't use a public shower naked and shouldn't allow their child to either.

I totally agree with this, teach your children to behave as you would as their parent. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be naked in a public shared shower? What’s the difference with your child?

VenusTiger · 05/12/2019 01:05

@Adenosine shower is mixed not cubicles.

Brittany2019 · 05/12/2019 01:14

@Monty27 98% of the perpetrators of sexual assault are male. There’s really very very little chance of a child being sexually assaulted by a female.

7Days · 05/12/2019 01:17

Lol at the eejit above who thinks its just as likely this paedophile is female.
You ought to tell the police mate, they are wasting their precious time trying to catch abusers while under the impression that 98% of them are men.

OP I think here is a case where principles and pragmatism collide. Your first priority is to keep your own child safe, not strike a blow to bring about the perfect society. It is very sad. But this is our world.

Original poster
NicEv · 05/12/2019 01:17

There was no chance of her being sexually assaulted by anyone because I was standing within feet of her and watching her the whole time. I wouldn’t leave her alone - clothed or unclothed.

OP posts:
morriseysquif · 05/12/2019 01:18

Your daughter should be ok in the shower naked - it is not up to us girls and women to change our behavour to suit the pedophioles and rapists, be we 3, 30 or whatever age.

We don't change for them. Being naked does not invite being abused.

Original poster
NicEv · 05/12/2019 01:19

Maybe I do need to rethink - though I think what I will do is go to a different leisure centre which has single sex changing rooms so she can have a proper shower and not feel worried that men are lurking in the shadows trying to look at her

OP posts:
Original poster
NicEv · 05/12/2019 01:21

For the person who seemed to think I was suggesting the kids would be “triggered” by hearing the word paedophile - that wasn’t my concern. But both kids were left feeling my little one had done something wrong and they asked me what a paedophile was - I would prefer to have that conversation in a more controlled way rather than have it sprung on us because the member of staff had used that language in front of very young kids

OP posts:
Tvstar · 05/12/2019 01:38

Mixed showers should not allow nudity of any age or sex. It is not just about paedophilia it is about the comfort and dignity of all users. Many adult men would feel uncomfortable being in the shower with a nude minor.

Bluerussian · 05/12/2019 01:40

There should have been clear signs on walls and doors saying nobody allowed to remove costumes. I get the attendant was enforcing rules but she shouldn't have said it so bluntly in front of a child, a quiet word to you would have been sufficient.

It's a sad state of affairs though.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 05/12/2019 01:46

Kids run about the beach naked all the time, I had no idea that it was considered bad parenting to let them do that. Lots of family album pics of me and my brother doing the same.

Alexapourmeadrink · 05/12/2019 01:57

@Pinkpanther473 no one should challenge you for using disabled access shower - every disability isn’t physical or obvious. I think if there was a wheelchair user there, you’d see them. But they can wait a few minutes, it’s not like going to the loo - they won’t have the same urgent need to shower! If another disabled person was using the shower, they’d have to wait anyway.

Alexapourmeadrink · 05/12/2019 02:12

@niceve that’s life - your ideals can’t keep up! If you get cross, the kids will remember the situation as it triggered a strong reaction from you. I’d have let it go, not drawn attention to it. I’m not saying the staff member was right, but always think of the children before reacting.

It’s like when teachers don’t use their indoor voices to tell you your child was naughty/rude/cheeky while you’re in front of other parents and children and the teacher expects you to join in the rage about it. I don’t discipline my kids in front of an audience, it’s humiliating.

mathanxiety · 05/12/2019 02:59

If they are really serious about protecting children from perverts they should install single sex showers. Switching to another leisure centre is a good idea.

If they're going to persist in providing only mixed sex showers they should put up a big notice about nudity. There is no way the staff member should have approached an obviously very young child to give any message.

Happyspud · 05/12/2019 03:16

I think you were fine OP. Swimming staff person was being ridiculous.

BestOption · 05/12/2019 03:43

You didn’t do anything wrong jetting her take her swimming costume off to have a shower, done if these comments are well over the top - it’s a swimming baths changing room, nudity is the norm, it’s not like you stopped her off and stood her in Trafalgar Square FFS.

The woman handled it badly.

However, I would have made something up, I wouldn’t have told a 3 & 6 yo what it actually meant because I wouldn’t want them feeling self conscious I would have told the 3 year old that the lady thought she might be warmer with her costume or clothes on.

There’s plenty of time for them to know what deviants lurk in society.

No nudity in showers - for the love of all things holy. If they feel their current set up for showering us unsafe they need to do something about that, that involves making it safer, not telling small children off.

Given the fact that it’s no longer just females using female changing rooms they might just as well all be communal anyway

Monty27 · 05/12/2019 07:08

@177Days eejit? Me?
I am not talking statistics. I am talking privacy, safety and dignity. It's not gender specific.

Original poster
NicEv · 05/12/2019 07:21

Thanks for all the comments . I feel quite upset today - I literally had no idea that anyone would frown on a three year old taking her cossie off and am devastated to think I may have exposed her to any risk.

I won’t go to that leisure centre again - from now on we will make sure there are single sex showers so my little one can have a proper shower without worrying.

Thanks for all the comments , it’s been useful and interesting to hear the different views.

OP posts:
Caiti19 · 05/12/2019 08:30

NicEv - I was actually moved to set up an account in order to respond to you.

YANBU. I find so many of the responses here completely messed up. My 3 year old and 6 year year old are stripped naked in the pool showers every week for a proper wash.

I, their Mother, am not about to sexualise my children on the off-chance that other people might.

If the pool has a no-nudity policy, fair enough. I find it pathetic. I'd probably switch pools in your shoes. I'd be livid if that comment was made within earshot of my children.

My kids do a keeping safe programme at school that is reinforced via homework.

As someone above mentioned, a "keep your costume on in the shower while your Mother is standing beside you" policy has zero impact on keeping children safe.

Caiti