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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 04/12/2019 20:36

I think you could still go if you want to, if it is with a group of friends for 10 days then only a tiny bit of that will be the wedding & the rest of the time you can be completely separate. & I agree this would leave you rising above it & it would just serve to highlight even more how off it is that they've not invited you. If you don't go and your DP does then that's a lot of his holiday time taken up for this trip so your alternative is to plan some other amazing holiday with other friends (and resign yourself to not holidaying with DP).

Justmuddlingalong · 04/12/2019 20:36

It's the grand gesture of the handing out and opening of the invitations when OP wasn't included. That's why I think there's spite involved.

Actionhasmagic · 04/12/2019 20:36

Wow that’s rude

flouncyfanny · 04/12/2019 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boxerbinky · 04/12/2019 20:36

I agree with PP the way she handed out the invites, so publicly, knowing you were excluded was incredibly crass. Yours may be a relatively new relationship perhaps, but even if you accept that this justifies you not being invited, surely if she had considered your feelings at all, she would have handled the invites differently.

Would it have been so hard to have pulled you aside to explain that it isn't personal, the numbers were settled before you and dp were serious etc - or at least doing it when you weren't present.

It's not totally unreasonable for you to have expected an invite based on the fact that you clearly now socialise as a group of friends, but she is not totally unreasonable for sticking to numbers she had planned before she knew you.

The way she chose to do it - on couples night - would say to me that you are not seen as part of the group. Certainly not at the moment anyway. I think I would expect more empathy from my dh in the same situation too, it's not that he shouldn't go, but he should consider the awkward position this puts you in!

hardyloveit · 04/12/2019 20:37

I'm torn with this one. The way they handed out invites was rude and uncalled for.
However your still in a new relationship and when they sent out save the dates was very new. You may have socialised now but they probably already had numbers in place.

Your dp needs to text saying is it just him invited or?

If your not - don't go to South Africa. That would be very awkward and everyone at the wedding would wonder why your there.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 20:37

@Justmuddlingalong I agree. That was a conscious decision to hand out invites to everyone knowing I hadn't been invited. I cannot for the life of my think of any reason for the spite...

OP posts:
Derbee · 04/12/2019 20:39

it would just serve to highlight even more how off it is that they've not invited you

I don’t think it’s off to not invite a girlfriend of only a year, especially when they don’t even live together.

Hepzibar · 04/12/2019 20:40

Absolutely no way would I attend now, whether you get a belated invite or not (as some are suggesting).
This is humiliating for you.
The damage is done, distance yourself from them.

Hoping your BF sees the light very soon otherwise relationships I'll be irreparable

I feel for you OP, had a similar situation with then DP's family.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/12/2019 20:40

I think handing out the invites in front of you is very rude.

But I can see why a long term partner might be included and a new partner might not be.

PatchworkElmer · 04/12/2019 20:40

YANBU, that was awful of her.

I do think you have a DP problem too, though.

TuttiCutie · 04/12/2019 20:42

@HappyGoLuckyLuLu

if it is with a group of friends for 10 days then only a tiny bit of that will be the wedding

Have you ever been to a wedding abroad?

I've only been to 2 but at both there was (another) pre-wedding stag and hen night, a pre-wedding dinner the night before, the actual wedding day/night, an organised post wedding boat day trip 2 days after the wedding, a "last day/night" get together.

The OP will totally feel like a spare part and given the boyfriends reaction and how bothered he is about "upsetting people" i.e. his friends, it's likely that he'll be at the beck and call of the bride and groom all holiday.

PatchworkElmer · 04/12/2019 20:42

We invited a couple of plus ones to our wedding that we barely knew/ had never met, because we knew that attending meant at least 1 overnight stay, and we felt it was unfair to expect our friends to spend that kind of money if they couldn’t enjoy the weekend with their partners. This woman is expecting your DP to go on an expensive long haul holiday without you? Weird, in my opinion.

LittleLongDog · 04/12/2019 20:42

I don’t think it’s malicious, as you described that you get on. But I do think it’s incredibly thoughtless and hurtful to give out the invites that way.

I would continue to be a wonderful, fun person (so go out with them as you had originally planned and have a fantastic time) and make them all realise how much they’re going to miss you at the wedding.

Justmuddlingalong · 04/12/2019 20:43

I agree that they can invite who they want. But it would have been bad enough if they'd stuck a fucking stamp on the invites and posted them, instead of the big reveal, in front of OP. The only one in the company not invited. That's so rude and not something I can understand.

hairyxmasturkey · 04/12/2019 20:43

When we were getting married the rule we found was that if the partners live together then you invite them both.

However that was a few years ago and I don't necessarily agree with it in hindsight, but maybe that's what they're going with. However to hand them all out in front of you was awful!

TargaryenBean · 04/12/2019 20:43

I Dunno, you say you cannot for the life of you think of a reason for the spite. You weren't together at all at the planning stages, you were only together a few moths for the save the date, not living together going out only a year. Maybe it's not spite. Maybe like others suggested your dp turned down a plus one for you, but she wanted you to see that us ones were being given. I think if your dp can't send a text to confirm either way, that's your main problem.

dontcallmeduck · 04/12/2019 20:44

Have you been invited to the hen do? Have all the other women in your group been invited to the hen do?

I’d be booking an extremely nice holiday for the same time in January if there hasn’t been a reasonable explanation.

Mummyshark2018 · 04/12/2019 20:44

It was extremely rude of them to hand them out in that way. I wouldn't lower myself to go to SA knowing you haven't been invited. I probably wouldn't accept an invitation now unless they gave a very valid reason but tbf they should have said sooner if it was a number thing and they had a genuine reason for not inviting you. I'd be pissed of with my dp for being so dismissive also.

Winterdaysarehere · 04/12/2019 20:45

I would be stepping away from socialising with them and telling dp you don't feel comfortable with them now..

LittleLongDog · 04/12/2019 20:45

if it is with a group of friends for 10 days then only a tiny bit of that will be the wedding

At the abroad wedding I went to there were pre/post parties, drinks, meals etc to make the most of everyone being together. So more of it might be about the wedding than just the actual day.

buckeejit · 04/12/2019 20:45

yanbu & that's weird behaviour so I'd want to get to the bottom of it.

Ask dp if he requested no invite for you, (as long as you think he'd be honest). I'd be concerned about it being so far in the future if you're not that long together I suppose but those shennanigans were very rude.

If no invite, I'd' maybe go to SA & stay somewhere away from the party. Nah, that would suck. Just don't go & see what dp says

Delatron · 04/12/2019 20:45

I think your DP hasn’t communicated how serious your relationship is. You don’t live together and the relationship is reasonably new.

They were very rude handing the invites out like that.

I had a similar situation at my wedding (apart from the socialising with part, I barely knew the girl). One of my male friends just insisted on the plus one! (He’s had a string of girlfriends so I thought she wouldn’t be around long). I let him have the plus one as it showed me he was serious about her. It want awkward as we are friends. Your DP needs to speak up now.

FeltCarrot · 04/12/2019 20:46

Is the “Save the date” date, April 2018 a typo? I’m confused?

Delatron · 04/12/2019 20:46

Wasn’t awkward

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