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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
DartmoorChef · 04/12/2019 20:16

From your DPs response I would say he knew full well what was going to happen.

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 20:16

I'd say DP believes the relationship is serious. He speaks with them often but is closed with the man than the woman, shall I suggest he politely asks if he will be getting a plus 1?

Is it not unfair of me to say that he can't go if I don't get an invite? It's his friend getting married, wouldn't that be very unreasonable of me? Or am I being too nice?....

OP posts:
Simkin · 04/12/2019 20:16

So by the time the wedding comes round you will have socialised with them nearly every weekend for more than a year? I don't want to make you feel more upset by agreeing with you but this is really shoddy behaviour. I wouldn't be going for drinks on Friday and quite honestly would be rethinking my relationship. Sorry opFlowers

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/12/2019 20:17

I wold be re evaluating all of those relationships including that with your “DP”

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/12/2019 20:17

What @DartmoorChef said. With bells on it.

The bride is a Mean Girl to hand out the invites the way she did.

BossAssBitch · 04/12/2019 20:17

They are dicks but your DP is an even bigger dick. He is meant to have your back Hmm

MrMeSeeks · 04/12/2019 20:17

I wouldn't be going and i’d be looking for a new dp.Confused

Original poster
Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 20:18

Definitely no ex's involved...

I think the behaviour is malicious towards me but he thinks it's because we hadn't been together long when they sent the save the dates?

OP posts:
Simkin · 04/12/2019 20:18

If you tell him not to go you're asking him to choose between them and you. Doesn't sound like a bad idea from the sound of them.

SittingAround1 · 04/12/2019 20:18

YANBU I'd be hurt too.
I wouldn't go to SA either.
Leave them to it.

MargotMoon · 04/12/2019 20:18

If this is an abroad wedding is it something that has been discussed and planned prior to you and DP getting serious? Have deposits been taken or flights/hotels booked before there was any question of you going?

Either way the manner in which the invites were dished out was incredibly passive-aggressive, I'd have been very hurt by that.

Do not, under any circumstances, go to SA under your own steam. You will end up as the subject of another thread on here!! Confused

TuttiCutie · 04/12/2019 20:18

Under no circumstances should you "tag along" to South Africa.

Apart from the fact it would be totally humiliating, your boyfriend is so worried about "upsetting people" (they are your own words) that you could well end up spending most of the holiday on your own or feeling completely unwelcome - while he takes part in wedding related activities.

everythingcrossed · 04/12/2019 20:19

I think catandadog might have nailed it - they asked, your partner said not to invite you as he wasn't sure about the relationship, the bride-to-be considers you a friend and handed out the invitations in front of you so that you would know that other partners had been invited and your partner can't claim they aren't inviting +1s Sad

Iloveacurry · 04/12/2019 20:19

Giving out the invite like they did was very rude.

Personally I’d be making an excuse about the get together at friends and not go. They’ll be talking about SA, the wedding and the holiday I’m sure.

Your BF could just go for a few days for the wedding, not make it a holiday as such. He’ll be the spare part with all those couples anyway!

Thehop · 04/12/2019 20:20

I would t be able to socialise with them, and I’d be rethinking my relationship if I’m honest. Your DP doesn’t have your back at all. He’s more worried about upsetting them than you.

HowManyToes · 04/12/2019 20:20

Like fuck would I be going on a 10 day holiday when I haven’t been invited to the wedding. I know what you mean about looking unreasonable by asking your DP to not go. I wouldn’t ask him but I’d be very disappointed in him if he went without me.

ysmaem · 04/12/2019 20:21

YANBU for being hurt. I would be hurt too. The way they went around it was all wrong and they could have been a whole lot more sensitive about the situation. Can you not go to SA with your OH and just not go to the wedding so you'll still at least get a holiday?

TuttiCutie · 04/12/2019 20:21

I'd say DP believes the relationship is serious

I'd say his actions over this will show you exactly how he views the relationship and so far it's not looking good.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/12/2019 20:21

You’re being way too nice about all of this. Tell him you won’t be going for drinks on Friday or socialising with these people ever again. They’ve made their feelings perfectly clear.

I’d also be giving your partner a wide berth for a while. A year into your relationship he should be prioritising you way more than he is.

Out of interest, do you ever socialise as a couple with your pre-relationship friends or is it all very one sided?

Star81 · 04/12/2019 20:22

I think your DP doing a polite ‘just checking is this just an invite for me’ is the only way ahead here.

lifeisgoodagain · 04/12/2019 20:23

That's really bad. If a relationship is serious thane it's pretty rude not to invite no matter the living arrangements. I've got an invite to a wedding where I've never even met them

Ginger1982 · 04/12/2019 20:24

"I tried to explain to DP that regardless of me not getting an invite it's unfair of them to expect him to go on a holiday with all couples on his own but he doesn't want to say anything as doesn't want to upset anyone."

You have a massive DP problem. He should be asking why you haven't been invited, especially when you have spent so much time with them and with the bride alone??

Yes, numbers can be an issue when planning a wedding but this is ridiculous. I had been with DH for 3 months and got invited to a friend's wedding. I think I'd met the couple once!

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 20:25

Well, tbh, since he's not saying anything I'd consider him a boyfriend not 'DP' and go from there.

Newkitchen123 · 04/12/2019 20:25

I'm guessing that you wouldn't otherwise be going on holiday to South Africa? In which case why should you go to the expense (and be dictated to in terms of which flight etc)
I would not want to be surrounded by people in the run up to the wedding that I was not invited to because they'd all be talking about the wedding that I was not invited to. Then after the wedding they'd be talking about the wedding they'd just been to that I wasn't invited to.
Even if your relationship is not seen as serious would he not have a plus one? We just got married abroad and my single friend was given a plus one invitation. Before and after the wedding we talked about the wedding!
Would he be expected to pay for single room etc?
I'm all for it's their wedding they can invite who they like but it's definitely shitty the way they've gone about it.
I certainly would not be forking out money to go on a holiday I would not otherwise have booked!
And I'd expect a bit more support from my partner

Dollymixture22 · 04/12/2019 20:25

There is defiantly something else going on here.

The behaviour of his couple is incredibly rude. As is the behaviour of your DP.

I would stop being friends with these people, not because they didn’t invite you but because they made Such a show of it. I would also reevaluate my relationship with DP - why is he letting his friends be such mean girls?

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