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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 04/12/2019 20:46

YANBU. That was a really mean and shitty thing to do. You're good enough to look after their dog but not go to their wedding? I wouldn't be looking after it any more and I wouldn't be going out with them on Friday either.

As for your so called "D"P Hmm. He doesn't want to upset them but isn't bothered about you being upset?Perhaps you need to show him just how upset you are and call time on the relationship. What's the point of continuing it if he is quite happy for his friends to treat you like shit and is prepared to fuck off on holiday for nearly two weeks without you? You can do better OP.

cccameron · 04/12/2019 20:47

It was very hurtful of her to hand the invites out like that, I imagine that was very uncomfortable for you. However I don't believe for one second that your DP hadn't been asked previously about this. Im guessing he said not to invite you for some reason so they thought that you were already aware

Sportsnight · 04/12/2019 20:47

Friends of my now husband didn’t invite me to their wedding abroad as we’d only been together a year or so when they got married. I think the bride addressed it head on and said they were only inviting long term couples, which I thought was a bit rude. My marriage has outlasted theirs, as it goes.

MsPavlichenko · 04/12/2019 20:47

They asked you to dog sit tonight. That is quite a level of brazen cheek. I would be unsurprised if they have not invited you so that you can watch the dog whilst they are away getting married.

You do have DP issue to. The level of friendship, the saving the date, the dog sitting. All of this means he should have said immediately, where's Teapot's invite. In front of mutual friends. He didn't and he won't say anything now. You need to say what your line in the sand is I think.

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 20:47

That was a conscious decision to hand out invites to everyone knowing I hadn't been invited. I cannot for the life of my think of any reason for the spite...

I think that part is rude, but honestly, you haven't been together for even a year, you don't live together, they got engaged only a couple of months after you started going out and the other couples have been together a long time by your own admission.

There's a real danger with labeling people 'DP' when you haven't been long with them. They see you as his girlfriend.

I think forbidding him to go and not going along on Friday night or any other PA move isn't going to show you in a good light, not that it should matter to you one way or another, the only thing that should is your boyfriend and that's what he is just now, a boyfriend.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 04/12/2019 20:47

Why on earth would you still want to socialise with these people? And I’m including your partner in that too. It doesn’t lower you to anyone’s level to grow a backbone.

Delatron · 04/12/2019 20:48

Tell them to look after their own dog from now on.

Thisismadness · 04/12/2019 20:48

I think there are reasonable explanations for including/excluding you but the handing out invitations in front of you was unforgivable. Your DP should be asking for you to be included but I’m not sure I could get over the bride’s behaviour.

SauvignonBlanche · 04/12/2019 20:50

All sounds very odd Hmm

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 04/12/2019 20:51

@TuttiCutie no, and you're probably right about all the wedding things, and going would need to include DP saying he would not go to all of those things & just the main event, which may well be unlikely. But it'll be an expensive 10 day holiday abroad, in a villa with two other couples that the OP already knows as friends so it's possible that OP could still go and have a lovely time depending on the arrangements. I like to look for the silver lining & there could still be a lovely holiday here if OP fully discusses this with her DP beforehand. Sounds like that was originally the plan before realizing that OP was not invited. But maybe I've completely misunderstood.... also fully understandable if she'd rather not go & book a lovely 10 day trip to the Maldives or some other similarly lovely location with some other friends... either way good idea to plan something so two fingers can be stuck up to B&G (agree they were not obligated to invite OP but rubbing her nose in no invite was mean)

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2019 20:51

Handing out invites like that was the height of tackiness.

Wait, you don't think you haven't been invited so you'll be available to watch the dog, do you? No, even they wouldn't be that rude.

I expect the couple is going by the 'no ring, no bring' rule. That normally includes only married, living together, and 'formally' engaged couples.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/12/2019 20:51

Your Darling Partner is a DICK, and I would be seriously reconsidering my future with such a spineless selfish TWAT.

so No OP.. YANBU.. quite the opposite.. Flowers

plightofthealbatross · 04/12/2019 20:52

Incredibly rude and deliberately so to hand out the invitations in that manner whilst excluding you.

And then expected you to dog sitting so soon?

Glad you said no. And i'd be upset with partner for not being unhappy and confused at their treatment of you. It's beyond rude, and I think he should tell them that.

I'd also reconsider the relationship if he went, tbh, if it was me A 10 day holiday extravaganze in an exotic location ... and you're not invited.

ZenNudist · 04/12/2019 20:52

  1. dont go to SA.

  2. dont dogsit

  3. totally reasonable to curtail socialising. They dont think of you as good eñough.

  4. sorry about this but quite likely they know your bf better than you. They know you aren't permanent. Id reassess your relationship. If hes solid with you against your friends then maybe you have a hope. Seems more likely he will side against you with friends.

  5. rude idiots. Dont let them have any headspace. I know how upsetting this is but be strong you are the bigger person. I am 100 per cent rooting for you.

Babybel90 · 04/12/2019 20:54

I definitely wouldn’t go one the holiday, you’ll just feel upset on the day they all leave to go to the wedding then they’ll be talking about the wedding afterwards and you’ll have to feign interest and pretend it wasn’t hurtful to leave you out.

I don’t care what anyone says about costs or numbers, if you want a wedding. That seriously inconveniences your guests then you have the wedding you can afford, and if you have to have a slightly different venue to the one you dreamed of, or cut back on the cost of the cake to be able to invite all your friends with partners then that’s what you do.

basicbitch16 · 04/12/2019 20:55

I would be utterly gutted OP, YA absolutely NBU. And without so much of a mention. Fucking heartless bastards.

sonjadog · 04/12/2019 20:55

I wouldn't bother being their dog sitter any more if I were you.

StrayWoman · 04/12/2019 20:56

£5 on them asking you to dog sit while they're in SA.

basicbitch16 · 04/12/2019 20:56

So they know you're planning to go abroad for it but still no invite???

Spotsandstars · 04/12/2019 20:56

Someone else called it....
Your dp has had a few previous girlfriends that always end up splitting therefore they presume he will do the same to you and tbh by his reaction it's proving them right. He's not bothered about you not only missing the wedding (which if was in this country I could maybe understand) but he's also not bothered about you not being with him on a ten day holiday....why, won't he miss someone to be by his side like everyone else will have or is he thinking it's a hall pass?

kissmewherethesundontshine · 04/12/2019 20:57

I agree with @StrayWoman that's the reason you aren't invited, saving money on kennels Confused

Sexnotgender · 04/12/2019 20:58

£5 on them asking you to dog sit while they're in SA

That’s what I thought too.

IdleBet · 04/12/2019 20:59

I would continue to be a wonderful, fun person (so go out with them as you had originally planned and have a fantastic time) and make them all realise how much they’re going to miss you at the wedding.

You are joking?

I'd cut the fuckers off. No way would I be socialising with them.

I'd start saving for a 10 day holiday without my 'D'P. He could do what he wants but would I fuck be hanging around like a gobshite waiting.

slinkysaluki · 04/12/2019 21:00

Cant believe the bare faced cheek of asking you to dog sit after what theyve done , insensitive or what. Cheeky bastards

TitianaTitsling · 04/12/2019 21:01

Oh yes! You will be asked to be doggy care!!

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