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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
IndecentFeminist · 09/12/2019 07:09

I have to agree that it will have come up in conversation, these are his friends not yours. You are not in a long standing relationship with either him or the others. And even if it hasn't, they will probably have made the assumption that as you have only been together a year you wouldn't be expecting to travel to an overseas wedding with him for 10 days.

Dandelion3 · 09/12/2019 07:29

It's incredibly unfair your DP is just going along with this, anyone in your shoes would feel equally upset with the way the engaged couple have gone about this - if it was due to numbers they should have had a quiet word with your DP first - you've been together nearly a year and they spend a lot of time with you, but it's really unacceptable to make someone feel that way whatever the circumstances.
I think it's okay to send another reply to her text and say that you have got to be honest and that whilst you completely understand it's their choice entirely who they invite to the wedding, being the only one to be excluded from an invite at the dinner, without any prior warning made you feel very uncomfortable and you just would have appreciated the heads up to prepare yourself.
But I don't think I could respect my "D"P going forwards unless he has a proper discussion with them, there's no way anyone in a serious relationship after a year shouldn't put their partners feelings first in this situation, and sadly your DP isn't doing that for you at the moment and needs to be stronger - he doesn't have to be confrontational with them or "upset" them, he just needs to assertively explain why you would of course feel uncomfortable with the way they did things and explaining how serious he is about you so that the situation of course makes him feel uncomfortable and upset too. If he can't do that then I'd unfortnately be concerned about how he would stand by my side going forwards and perhaps you need to have that chat with him. Please don't disregard your feelings as you've every right to feel respected and supported by your partner.

malfoylovespotter · 09/12/2019 07:32

OP just ask her.

Please can you clarify if DP has a plus 1 or not as if he does you need to put in for the holiday now type thing.

It doesn't have to be awkward.

kristallen · 09/12/2019 07:35

Why would DP have a +1 when he doesn't think he does and both partners of the other couples were invited?

It's more likely that he was asked and said no, months ago and now doesn't want to admit it.

BUT even if that's the case. To have invited everybody while not OP, to have had conversations with her about it AS her DPs partner (not a random colleague, for example) and then have conversations about it in the pub on Friday is just plain out rude.

Sweetpea55 · 09/12/2019 07:46

I feel hurt on your behalf OP. To dish out the invites and exclude you was cruel. She must have known that you would feel hurt and embarrassed.
I wouldn't be dog sitting or socialising any more and id arrange my own holiday to coinside with the wedding..
I wouldn't be meeting up with any of them after the wedding either because that's a they'll talk about

Rickandportly · 09/12/2019 07:47

One of you, preferably your DP is going to have to ask.

Motoko · 09/12/2019 08:03

This is frustrating.

Ihatefootball86 · 09/12/2019 08:08

Another vote for getting your dp to send derbees text.

AutumnCrow · 09/12/2019 08:20

This is just the same stuff being repeated over and over now, while OP's few responses make her and her DP sound like a couple of wet lettuces caught in a malfunctioning salad spinner. The whole thing's weird.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/12/2019 08:29

I had a lot of sympathy with the OP in the beginning.
But her unwillingness to address it with ANYONE is making it disappear .....

IdleBet · 09/12/2019 08:41

This thread needs to die a death now. OP is half heartedly throwing in a 'comment' once every couple of hundred posts which doesn't answer any of the questions.

Blingismything · 09/12/2019 08:48

Do not look after their dog again.

PepsiMaxCherry · 09/12/2019 09:38

@Teapot77

Wow that is so incredibly rude, why couldnt they give out invites separately? Why embarrass you like that?
To me it seems like they wanted to make you feel left out, doesnt seem like a mistake to me as otherwise they would have noticed you didnt have 1.

Pls pls do not look after their dog again and definately do not look after their dog while they are getting married!!!

champagneandfromage50 · 09/12/2019 09:46

Hmm I have a funny feeling that your DP has told them not to invite you and suggested you didn’t want to come. As unless they are all a nasty insensitive bunch it just doesn’t add up especially the bride to be texting you asking if you are ok.

loobyloo1234 · 09/12/2019 10:21

I liked the 'actually I am a little upset' text suggestions given a few pages back. Not sure the OP is going to bother to come back though Confused

Gruzinkerbell1 · 09/12/2019 10:22

What @IdleBet said. Yawn.

SourAndSnippy · 09/12/2019 10:30

As the save the dates didn't have had the OPs name on them then maybe the bride and groom thought it was clear that the OP was not going to get an invitation. In their heads they might be thinking that they don't need to explain anything. Not trying to excuse them but perhaps that would explain why they haven't felt the need for not inviting the OP
Iyswim

Still rude to hand the invites out in front of her.

northernlittledonkey · 09/12/2019 10:31

I’d send the text that Derbees suggested. Dp might not be that into you.

Purplekaz08 · 09/12/2019 10:47

I have followed this post from the start. i do agree it was really insensitive to hand out invites in front of you.
However i think you have missed several opportunities to challenge both the couple and your dp. it is time to grow a backbone and find out why you have not been invited and why your dp hasn't stood up for you or sadly your relationship is doomed as you are not the most important thing to him. By your inaction's you are saying to all you have no self worth, you either stand up for yourself or walk away from the situation and the op with your head held high.

meyouandlulutoo · 09/12/2019 12:12

I agree with @idlebet too. I posted a supportive comment days ago because I really felt sorry for OP I am now losing patience with the saga as OP has had opportunities to address this situation and hasn't. Her DP is just as bad, he could have told his friends in the early days after receiving the invitation that he would like to attend their wedding day but would not be holidaying for 10 days as this is eating too much into his annual leave that he would like to spend with OP. I know SA is a long way but he could spend a couple of nights in a hotel and then return home. That would have addressed the problem without any mention of who was and wasn't invited.

Dustarr73 · 09/12/2019 12:47

@Teapot77 30 pages in and ample time to bring it up.Why havent you.Its getting silly now.Either ask them or shut up about it.

Rassy · 09/12/2019 13:45

I do sometimes wonder when the OP disappears whether it is because the thread has become 'exposed' in real life...

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/12/2019 13:57

Well if it has been exposed then maybe the bride or groom
Could come and reveal why op wasn’t invited

Simkin · 09/12/2019 14:35

I reckon she's just decided to bury it and not make a fuss and doesn't dare come back and say so! It is allowed, after all..

MrsCholmleyWarner · 09/12/2019 14:38

After commenting on this thread, sympathising with the OP and frequently checking back to see if she has updated us, I now no longer care why she wasn't invited.

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