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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
Awrite · 08/12/2019 20:29

I had something similar a few years ago. All of our friends were invited. My bf at the time had a word and they invited me (wedding was in another UK country). In the meantime, I booked a weekend away to see a uni friend in London. I thought 'fuck'em'.

Anyway, a year into our relationship, there's a snowball's chance I hell dh or I would be going on a 10 day destination wedding that the other hadn't been invited to.

Your dp's not prioritising you will ultimately eat away at your self esteem.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/12/2019 20:31

I thought your boyfriend said he was going to ask them on Friday? And he was going to check if it was a genuine mistake or at least get a reason for why you were excluded. It seems like he hasn't done this or doesn't want to say. If the latter then he is putting their interests above yours and its annoying that he is keeping you in the dark, when knowing the truth would help you sort out your feelings about the whole thing.
I hear what people are saying about perhaps it's a mistake but everyone saw you leave the table in distress after the invites were handed out and surely that is enough for bride or groom to ask your BF, or for him to ask them? So I don't think its a mistake. In fact it is more likely that they have spoken and for some reason he's not giving you the full facts. If it is to avoid upsetting you then he needs to speak up because this is worse.
ThisI really feel for you, this has put you in such an awkward situation. If you stand up for yourself its awkward, but if you say nothing and don't get a reason why no invite, or an explanation from DP of what he actually thinks of 1) brides behaviour in giving out invitations, or 2)
Of course your BF should step up and ask them, but I think you could be waiting some time for that and I think you should take the opportunity to communicate with the Bride directly.. what have you got to lose at this stage. Also it seems to me that a lot of the embarrassment and awkwardness in this situation is because you've been put on the spot in public, when people having a one to one talk would allow you to respond and would be a much kinder and less embarrasing way of dealing with it.
I think I'd leave all the emotive words out of the text, so something like

"Thanks for your text, as you asked, while I do understand and accept that it is entirely your choice who you invite to your wedding, I still don't understand why you chose to hand out invitations to everyone at the table except me last week. I felt very awkward. I can only guess it's something to do with numbers?
Unfortunately, on Friday, I realised that everyone else in this friendship group except me has been invited and will be discussing arrangements in front of me for the next six months or more, and I found the prospect rather daunting."

Im afraid I'd be very annoyed with someone who asked me if I wanted to leave "discreetly" (its that whole idea of not making a fuss etc) and I'd want a direct answer from them about how they feel about the whole thing and whether they have asked why you are not invited. Also. if you tell her you are upset by her behaviour - it does open you up to having them all meeting up without you to discuss the wedding so as not to "upset" Teapot.. which would also be awful and I think you need to point out to BF that this whole situation effectively excludes you from that whole friendship group and puts pressure on your relationship and what is his response to that. Sorry OP.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/12/2019 20:34

Sorry, cut and paste went wrong. 2) was the ongoing situation of group gatherings.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/12/2019 20:38

Sorry to be indecisive.. but I think maybe scrap the text I suggested. Since what is the point of asking her why she did that, she's not going to admit to bad behaviour. Maybe it's better to see what response you get from BF first as you still don't know what's been said. and then take a view about how involved with this group you want to be in future.

Blahblahblah12345 · 08/12/2019 20:52

I honestly think that the bride thinks your invited. To hand the invites out saying everyone is there and to message asking if your ok. I think it's just been an over sight.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 08/12/2019 20:53

So neither you or your DP have asked just what the hell is going on with the invites yet?

You both need to get a grip, and a backbone, and put the bride/groom on the bloody spot.

rookiemere · 08/12/2019 21:19

That text from B2B gave you the perfect opening. Something like " Thanks for asking. Totally understand you'll have limitations on numbers and it's 100% up to you who you ask but I felt hurt when I wasn't invited to your wedding and it makes it really awkward when that's what people are talking about and everyone except me is going.". It's not too late to send that, or actually on reflection a text from your BF would be much better, but he's seemingly somewhat spineless.

movpov · 08/12/2019 21:23

OP I feel for you and understand completely why it has upset you so much. I'm guessing they knew full well what they were doing when they handed out invitations in the way they did, that and your partner's reaction would, I think, make it a deal breaker for me both with the friendship and relationship with partner.
I had something kind of similar a couple of years ago; after splitting up with my ex I maintained contact with his brother and family, including 2 nieces, who I had always had a reasonable relationship with, or thought I did . Although we didn't see each other very often, for more than a decade I sent birthday & Christmas presents/money to the girls and we all sent birthday cards to each other. In the meantime ex stopped speaking to his brother...still not sure why but I continued to maintain contact. He added me on FB and I was happy enough with that. Then I saw on FB the older daughter had just got engaged. I texted BIL to say congratulations & I would like to get the happy couple something & drop by ...got a chatty text back & we set up a date to come over, invited for lunch etc. No indication they would be anything other than happy to see me. Went over, took a gift card as per suggestion (put £100 on it) , had a nice afternoon & all the talk was about wedding - she had the dress, venue sorted etc but nothing said re 'Oh hope you'll be able to come' or anything like that but I thought maybe she was still finalising guest list. However as wedding date drew closer - no invitation but guess who did get one - my ex, the uncle who had not bothered with them for years but it was obvious that I was not invited. Ex did not go to wedding and neither did our son who didn't want to go against his dad but he kept getting FB messages from bride 'please come to my wedding, we're family after all'. Next thing wedding pics are all over FB - I deleted BIL a few days later and then went no contact.
I know people might say B&G are entitled to invite who they like, and that's true. It just felt really shitty when I had been the only person on that side of the family who had made any kind of effort when I didn't have to, I could have walked away when I split with ex but chose not to, and I thought BIL appreciated that. I still don't know why I wasn't invited - whether they felt the relationship had run its course, or maybe don't see me as family any more, or some other reason. Anyway the upshot was I was left feeling hurt and that I was obviously good enough to accept a substantial engagement gift from but not good enough to be wanted or welcome at the wedding - so I decided to make no further effort with any of them. No one has been in touch to ask why I've not sent any cards last Christmas , or when the newlyweds had a baby daughter about a year ago, so I think they know how badly they behaved.
Anyway the point of all this is I know how it feels when you realise someone doesn't see your relationship as you do, and only you can decide what to do about it. Hope you can sort it out.

rookiemere · 08/12/2019 21:45

Actually thinking about it, it's very odd that B2B sent that text. She knows she didn't invite you so of course you'll be upset when the wedding is the main topic of conversation.

SecretMillionaire · 08/12/2019 21:48

The bride is either incredibly dim, extremely hard faced and vindictive or your DP has given her a reason to prior to the invitation being given that you would not be attending for her to send you the text that she did.

frillyfarmer · 08/12/2019 21:56

I think given that your DP is spineless not willing to say anything about it - you either respond to the text and be honest or you draw a line and accept it. You can't hold a grudge and continue unhappy in a friendship group - it won't benefit anyone.

For the record, your DP is a complete shizer for leaving you two square up his friends' poor behaviour- I would really honestly think on that as it's definitely a "bros before hoes" mentality.

frillyfarmer · 08/12/2019 21:56

*to square up

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/12/2019 21:57

The more I think about it your dp doesn’t care about you or would have said something at the time

Have you said anything to female a&b yet

Daisydoola · 08/12/2019 22:08

I think your bf may have known before the invites.

BHouse19 · 08/12/2019 22:20

YANBU. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this shitty situation through seemingly not fault of your own.

I think like most others have said that you need to message her back, tell her you weren't being honest in saying that you feel fine and just let her know how you're feeling.

As far as your DP is concerned, I'd be reconsidering the relationship

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 22:26

She knows she didn't invite you so of course you'll be upset when the wedding is the main topic of conversation

Not if she thinks the op didn't want to come anyway, as the partner had told her that. You're making assumptions the bride and groom thought the op wanted to go, whereas the brides actions would indicate she thought the op did not wish to go and already knew she wasn't invited.

I also think thr partner knew. Close friends like this you'd immediately say eh, just me, or say it after in private, the fact he's not says everything.

sniffsneeze · 08/12/2019 22:57

Ask your DP to send the brilliant text Derbee suggested upthread. I would be seriously considering my relationship if he didn't.

AutumnCrow · 08/12/2019 23:04

Well somebody's not not being honest.

AnybodyWantAChip · 08/12/2019 23:08

Is there any chance they checked with your partner to see if he wanted to invite you - and he said no?

managedmis · 09/12/2019 00:44

Op, there's been at least 100 comments on this thread where people have said your DP needs to step up - do you agree at all with this, or not? Starting to feel like we're all flogging a dead horse tbh

Effiedg · 09/12/2019 02:54

Book a holiday to coincide with the wedding. Whatever you do don't stay home alone

PrettyPurse · 09/12/2019 06:16

@managedmis - agreed! Plus another 100 or so saying to cease the opportunity to send a text saying how she's feeling!

justdoityourself · 09/12/2019 06:28

It sounds like you've established some sort of friendly relationship with the bride having socialised regularly and looked after her dog. Therefore I would just speak to her myself! Tell her how hurt you are that you've been excluded, you don't have much to lose at this point.

Crankybitch · 09/12/2019 06:38

Agree with everyone saying the B2B will have asked your partner if he wants to bring someone or not especially since it’s a destination wedding. Very weird to do that and not give a +1 unless you have cleared it with the friend first

DarkOceanWater · 09/12/2019 06:44

I know its awful, but you are really going to have to address this or your anger and hurt is just going to keep simmering away. You know your DP, if he is genuinely a good man you do not want this to cause issues in your relationship. It will cause issues if it becomes you versus his friends. I think the text a PP previously suggested from you DP is ideal really.

If you prefer to text yourself just be upfront, try and keep emotion out of it. I would text along the lines of 'It was probably a little obvious I was upset on Friday. When you gave out the wedding invitations at the dinner last week, I had just assumed I would be included as well and when I wasn't my feelings were a little hurt. I will of course get over it but at the moment it just feels a little weird to be involved in all the wedding chat, I am sure you understand. No hard feelings, only wish you guys the very best and hopefully catch up soon'

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