Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
nanbread · 08/12/2019 11:46

Your DP now needs to step up, have a word with groom or bridge and tell them how upset you (and he?!) were at the way the invites were handed out.

MiddleClassProblem · 08/12/2019 11:49

This is so weird. How does she not realise what’s up? Do the other couples know yet?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 08/12/2019 11:51

’not invited to the Hen no but none of the other partners in the friendship group are either.’

Ah! Are the men the ‘original’ friendship group? I wonder if she sees all the women as WAG rather than her own friends?

It’s still all mighty weird but maybe she/they feel more obligated to the long-standing pre-save the date partners?

You did miss a trick. Get you dp to text back: ‘teapot was too polite to say but we’re both quite confused and offended about how you handed out your wedding invites. Handing them out in public knowing that you were slighting her and no one else has shown me a different side to you, I was very surprised you offered no explaination when you must have known how hurtful that would be.’

SecretMillionaire · 08/12/2019 11:51

I thought that your DP was intending to talk to the groom before Friday to avoid this. Did he not do so? He doesn’t come across well at all.

SecondRow · 08/12/2019 11:52

Is there any possibility the bride thinks you might be upset because they are engaged and you and your DP are not? Rather than about attending their wedding. I wonder if she is fishing for this kind of info in asking you if you're ok. Still mean and spiteful, obviously, if so.

notapizzaeater · 08/12/2019 11:58

I'd have presumed they've used an excel spreadsheet and just sent it exactly as the save the date one. (Have a family member who prints her cards etc every year and did exactly this and missed new ones off !)

Delatron · 08/12/2019 12:32

They should have also had a chat with your DP before the invites were handed out. To explain you weren’t invited. Did he seem shocked? Was he confused/angry/ ambivalent? Your DP’s reaction is crucial here.

Why hasn’t he spoken to the groom? Why is he allowing you to be in situations where he knows you’ll be upset without addressing this? What’s his plan? For you to be upset for the next 6 months? Stand there and talk about the lovely villa they’ll be all sharing etc etc while you stand there like a lemon? This is not acceptable and he needs to step up now. I’d be having stern worlds with him. No he doesn’t ask for an invite for you but he explains how awkward this will be and how shitty the way they are handing it is.

elmosducks · 08/12/2019 12:34

I'm so hurt for you. The bride is being a bitch. If it was logistics she should have explained. By not addressing it, she is causing unnecessary drama.

I would be very disappointed in BF for not having your back.

Hollywolly1 · 08/12/2019 12:37

Please don't text the bride because even if she does extend an invite the good has gone out of it instead maybe your boyfriend should mention to the groom that he doesent want to go to SA for 10days without you,that way it shows them that you two are united and not prepared for your boyfriend to holiday alone and if they do extend the invite you should go at least you will have a lovely holiday but you know exactly where your loyalties lie from now on,no dog sitting no wasting your time going to the hen in case she invites you.Also this very precious bride may soon realise not everything's all about herGrin

ReeRi · 08/12/2019 12:38

Recently I had an experience with a friend (although not a close friend) who upset me and was quite rude and inconsiderate when we met. She noticed I was a bit upset (but guessed the wrong reason) and I just said no I’m fine. When she’s texted me since I’ve been friendly and polite but not overly so. Anyway she texted me the other night and asked me something quite person which happened to relate to the thing she’d said to upset me so I took the opportunity to say actually you did upset me last time we met... My point is just cause you didn’t say something the first time she asked doesn’t mean you’ve lost your opportunity.

ReeRi · 08/12/2019 12:39

It’s not just about being invited now though @Hollywolly1 OP needs to know what’s going on as this might affect whether they are are friends at all going forward. And how silly would it be if it were an oversight but it was never brought up?!

Tootyfruityfoo · 08/12/2019 12:41

This is a horrible situation for you. I'd be quite upset myself if my DP didn't address this. I don't know how u faced the night my anxiety would have been through the roof. I really think something has to be said or this is going to be never ending and ultimately ruin the friendship anyway.

Hollywolly1 · 08/12/2019 12:56

I know its not about the invite now because that ship has sailed but I think it's important that the boyfriend needs to make a stand here,I think regarding the wedding invite the damage is done the bride is not a nice person and there is no accounting for some people.I was part of a group of friends years ago and everyone got invited except me and I could never understand why

OldGrinch · 08/12/2019 13:03

Right I have read FT, trying to work out situation as I understand it
(1) The original friendship group is primarily between the men and not the wives/partners
(2) Therefore the reason that OP wasn't invited is probably due to what her DP has communicated to his friends, probably given the impression that the relationship isn't very serious or a "keeper". The lukewarm response of the DP says it all here
(3) The handing out if the invites in front of OP wasn't done with deliberate malice, but shows that the bride to be has very little emotional intelligence and is centered in her own bubble.

I think your problem is your DP and the fact that you are depending on his friendship group who seem at best a strange bunch. You need to make new friends and interests of your own OP. Where are your family?

IdiotInDisguise · 08/12/2019 13:09

Honestly Op, you cannot continue to be offended and upset if you do not have the courage to talk about it. The bride sent you a text asking if everything was ok and you said yes. Missed opportunity and all that but I think that if this is upsetting you that much it is time for you or your BF to grow a pair and ask if you were not invited to the wedding by mistake.

People mess up when preparing invitations, so better to ask rather than going through all this drama which may be an innocent mistake. If it is not, and your BF continues to brush it under the carpet, the problem is NOT the bride and groom but your BF who prefers to see you upset and rejected rather than taking a stance.

Albatross123 · 08/12/2019 13:16

There is still a posssibility that it is a complete oversight. Bride may not realise that OP hasn't been invited. I know of a recent situation where someone didn't attend a wedding when they should have been there. The invite was overlooked and it was very unfortunate - on the wedding day the bride asked why X wasn't at the wedding. It is worth asking, it could be that the bride genuinely isn't aware of the problem.

GingleJangleScarecrow · 08/12/2019 13:24

Honestly Op, you cannot continue to be offended and upset if you do not have the courage to talk about it. The bride sent you a text asking if everything was ok and you said yes.

This. Why did you say yes? Why? Now she thinks that everything is OK.
People aren't mind readers.

BlackCatSleeping · 08/12/2019 13:27

I suspect the bride and groom will play it as the OP being a total drama llama and they can invite who they want to their wedding.

IdiotInDisguise · 08/12/2019 13:32

But until she asks she doesn’t know.

BlackCatSleeping · 08/12/2019 13:39

I agree but I’d be wary about being too emotional about it as it might get twisted.

The ideal would be for the OP’s boyfriend to say to them, actually OP was upset about the lack of wedding invitation. What’s going on with that? And taking it from there.

Motoko · 08/12/2019 13:41

Oh FFS OP! Look, just in case this is an oversight, and you are invited, you NEED to find out what the fuck is happening.

It's not too late to send another text, and explain why you're upset. Or get your boyfriend to do it, but you can't keep going on like this.

It's a text, you're not having to ask her to her face, so just write it out, and hit send.

TidyDancer · 08/12/2019 13:44

I think you do need to address this. You've had a couple of very good examples of messages to send. You can't keep being upset about this every time you're with this group, or withdraw entirely without explanation. Something has to be said.

Bodyposiftw · 08/12/2019 13:53

Just tell them. You have every right to be offended and annoyed that they handled the invitations so rudely and in sensitively, and then go on o talk about it in front of you.
I have to say though, the whole thing is so crazy, I wouldn't be surprised it was a mistake. Get it sorted OP.
They don't owe you an invite but they should have the decency to be sensitive about it.

biggles50 · 08/12/2019 14:15

Oh op this is horrible for you, I had a similar situation years ago. I received a pity invite for which I was pathetically grateful for at the time. At the venue, everyone had names on the tables except me I was "Fred's girlfriend". We'd been together for well over a year and had spent time with the couple. I would not put up with that nowadays.
Anyway, just trying to say I know how humiliating it is. Be strong in your own truth and text the girl. "Actually X, feeling very uncomfortable here, was very embarrassed when everyone got an invite to your wedding except me, I expect it wasn't your intention to downgrade my relationship with my partner but it has left me bewildered and hurt. You're entitled to invite who you wish, just it was shabby to be so publicly excluded. That's why everything is not "ok" at the moment".

BanoffeePi · 08/12/2019 14:36

What @biggles50 said ☝️

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread