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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU regarding wedding invite?

767 replies

Teapot77 · 04/12/2019 19:55

Totally prepared to be told IABU but I feel really hurt by this situation.

My DP and I got together in December 2018, his good friends who at the time were living in South Africa got engaged in February 2019 and I obviously hadn’t have met them prior the engagement. In March said couple returned to the UK for work and since then we have socialised with them most weekends and I have looked after their dog in several occasions and been out with the woman for dinner/drinks just the two of us.

Save the dates for the wedding were sent by email in April 2018 by this time I had met them several times - my partner received one a save the date. Last week we went out for dinner with 3 other couples including the engaged couple. After the starter the woman announced she would be handing out the wedding invites, couple A and B got an invite addressing both of them but my partners invite was just addressed to him. Everyone opened the invites whilst I sat feeling very uncomfortable. There has since been no explanation to me nor my partner about why I had not been invited. I don’t feel entitled to have an invite I feel excluded and hurt by the way the invites were distributed.

My partner is going on the Stag and has been involved in planning it. The wedding is in June 2020 in South Africa so the plan is for everyone to go for 10 days and make a holiday out of it too. This would therefore mean I miss out on a holiday with my partner as well as a holiday with the rest of the friendship group.

AIBU to feel really hurt the way the invites were distributed when I obviously didn’t get one? And to feel upset that I have not been invited at all?

OP posts:
YouretheChristmasCarcass · 08/12/2019 14:37

I actually think biggies text is very good!

The only thing I'd change is 'when everyone got an invite to your wedding except me'. I'd delete 'except me' add 'but I was not included as bf's +1'.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/12/2019 14:45

The bride to be texted you

You should have told her why upset

Replies on here along the lines of we’ve spent many weekends together socialising and thought we were friends

So was a little hurt to be there when invites were given out and I wasn’t invited to your wedding

Tho again as others have said - your dp isn’t bothered. He needs to ask his friend the groom why you aren’t invited as you and him are a couple

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 15:22

The bride would only be being a bitch or insensitive if she knew how the op was feeling, or was unsure of her feelings. She wouldn't be being a bitch or insensitive if she thought thr op was happy not to go and knew she wasn't going.

Which leads back to the partner. He seems to be trying to manage the ops emotions without in any way asking the couple why she's not invited, getting involved, and making it clear he's going.

It's fine for him to go, but I don't know anyone who wouldn't immediately ask the couple what was going on, particularly as all good friends.

My instinct tells me the mere fact the bride handed the invites out in front of everyone, and is happy to discuss in front of the op tells me she thinks the op is fine with it. Which indicates the ops partner has potentially maneouvered this situation.

ohfourfoxache · 08/12/2019 15:56

Sounds like she doesn’t think there is anything wrong....which makes her actions even more callous

She doesn’t sound like someone I’d particularly want in my life

AndAnotherNameChanger · 08/12/2019 16:40

It really is possible it's an oversight. Not only is it possible they just didn't think about it because they forgot you weren't on the original list, thinking about my sister's wedding I helped plan last year, she had a spreadsheet of information for the invitations with names and addresses which went back and forth between her, her husband, her in-laws, my parents (with different people checking the spellings/adding addresses for each side of the family/friends) and the printers. If you aren't a very organized person you could definitely lose track of versions. You could have been added to a version and then the wrong version used for further edits or something.

There is only one way you are going to know, and that's to ask, at least then you know where you stand and can decide how you want to proceed accordingly. The fact that she's got in touch to see if you're ok, would suggest she's not someone who is deliberately seeking to hurt you. So you need to give her a chance to right it if it is a mistake.

Honeyroar · 08/12/2019 17:38

You’re going to have to say something (or ideally your boyfriend ought to if he really cares about you). It’s the elephant in the room anyway so will kill the friendship even if it’s not discussed- so you’ve nothing to lose..

Your boyfriend ought to contact them and say he understands that they can invite/not invite who they want to their wedding, but that you felt part of the friendship group and so were a bit upset to be excluded. And that the fact that the invites were given out in front of you and it’s always being discussed when you go out is rubbing your nose in it.

If this situation isn’t an accident and it’s going to keep happening you probably need to socialise elsewhere.

GlamGiraffe · 08/12/2019 17:41

@Teapot77 have you texted the bride back now? You really should.

Gfplux · 08/12/2019 18:14

I feel uncomfortable about your boyfriends attitude to this.

GabriellaMontez · 08/12/2019 18:19

Me too gfplux he should care, but he doesn't.

Span1elsRock · 08/12/2019 18:44

I'd say the B & G know damned well you're not included OP and are happy to trample all over your feelings. And your DP is happy to let them.

IndecentFeminist · 08/12/2019 18:48

Being honest, it doesn't sound like a serious relationship between you. As such, it doesn't seem that odd that you weren't invited. Yes, the he handing out of the invitations was crass, but if they have been friends a long time I wouldn't be expecting my boyfriend to be up in arms and risking his long term friendship over a relatively new girlfriend.

AdoreTheBeach · 08/12/2019 18:58

@Teapot77 please do consider Janus’ message but do add how uncomfortable it is to sit with the group taking about the wedding and upcoming holiday in front of you while you’re excluded from these activities. That is very difficult for you to consider you’ll be hearing about this weekly now up to the wedding and then listen to the tales of the wedding/holiday after the fact too - all while you have been excluded.

Terribly rude of the bride and groom both. Are you meant to sit and listen about all the groups’ plans for the holiday for the next months and then sit and listen to how great it was afterwards? How rude and callous.

7salmonswimming · 08/12/2019 19:05

In the event that the bride deliberately didn’t invite you, that text from her is incredibly blind/ rude/ thoughtless/ vicious even.

However (1) maybe she has invited you (2) if she hasn’t, she’s not a mind-reader and may think you’re a laid back type who isn’t bothered by the lack of invitation. Not everyone would be upset by the lack of invitation.

You owe it to her and to your anxiety to put her in the picture. Find out from her that you’re definitely not invited. If you’re not, tell her that you thought handing out invitations to something you’re specifically not invited to was ungracious and more than a bit rude. Leave it at that.

Don’t expect anything from her, because you’re not going to get it. If she can be so dim and self-absorbed about her wedding invitations, she almost certainly isn’t going to be thinking about you and your feelings generally. To someone like her, you’re there as an adjunct to her fiance’s friend, and are useful to her for dog sitting and passing time with. That’s very far from her caring about you. It’s entirely possible that text from her was the glimmer of a guilty conscience/ dawning realistion she messed up.

LovemyDDxx · 08/12/2019 19:22

I wouldn’t of replied just thank you. I would of explained that you thought you two were friends. If she says she thought you were you can reply saying it feels like you aren’t because you’ve been left out in the wedding invite.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 19:37

In the event that the bride deliberately didn’t invite you, that text from her is incredibly blind/ rude/ thoughtless/ vicious even

Cos the groom doesn't have any responsibility in inviting people?

There is no sign before or after that the bride, or groom, has an issue with the op. In fact the bride even reached out to see if she's ok on sensing she was upset. Which says strongly something else is going on here.

The fact the ops partner is not up for dealing with this, and these are his good friends, indicates to me there has been a conversation between him and the b/g. Hence why the bride thought there was no issue in her not being invited. Thought thr op knew.

You'd have to be a special kind of bitch/bastard otherwise, and that seems not to be the case, there is no ill feeling previously there and the op is friends with them.

My money is on the ops partner here having said or done something that's caused this.

Derbee · 08/12/2019 19:49

As I’ve said previously, I think it’s fine that you weren’t invited, but not how the invites were handed out.

I don’t think you should text the bride. I think your boyfriend should. If I was him, it’d be something like “sorry for leaving early. I’m trying to find the balance between being involved with it all, but not making Teapot feel awkward or embarrassed when she’s the only one round the table not invited to the wedding”

Derbee · 08/12/2019 19:50

IF he will text, I stand by what I’ve said. IF he wont, he’s a dick and he’s probably not that bothered about you

Tistheseason17 · 08/12/2019 19:53

Your OH needs to text bride and explain why you are upset.

If he does not do this then he is not that into you.

If neither of you want to tell the bride, then you really need to suck it up and ignore it when it is discussed.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2019 19:55

I think it’s fine that you weren’t invited, but not how the invites were handed out

But there are scenarios where the handing out would have been fine.

B/g. Should we invite the op
Partner, no, she's not expecting to come, not even sure what's happening with us. Best you don't. She'd prefer you didn't invite, as it would make her and I feel awkward to commit to something that far in the future,. She's delighted for you both though and happy to hear all about it.

Then it's fine,isn't it.

Butterymuffin · 08/12/2019 20:05

Oh that's a good text from Derbee. Ask your boyfriend to send that and then that also shows what he's prepared to do to resolve this.

MarkingTimeIm59 · 08/12/2019 20:05

Is the bride REALLY that insensitive? I’m gobsmacked if she is.

mnahmnah · 08/12/2019 20:12

What Derbee has said is perfect!

Danni91 · 08/12/2019 20:13

If he won't ask you need to its clearly messing with your head
Fwiw it was ignorant and rude and I would be cutting ties with them

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 08/12/2019 20:24

Were the names printed on the invitations, or handwritten?

Is there a chance they are assuming you know you’re invited, as per all the conversations around wedding plans, but they didn’t physically add your name as the invitations were written months ago?

I would just text and say that you’re upset you haven’t been invited and that you didn’t want to spend time chatting about a big event you’re not part of.

I bet £5 she’ll text back and say ‘what? Of course you’re invited’.

feelingsinister · 08/12/2019 20:24

Definitely get him to send derbee's text, it's perfect. You or your boyfriend need to do something because this is ridiculous.

Why are people so afraid of an honest conversation?

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