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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 12:31

She asked when suits, she didn't say "I'm coming at x time." You could have just responded like any normal person would.

If she's coming to see DC does it matter whether DH is there? Tell her to come on Sunday or meet her halfway and go for lunch so you only have to spend a couple of hours with her.

Aridane · 05/12/2019 12:36

I would like to ban “mummy’s boy” and “apron strings” from the language. What would we say about a man who tried to detach his female partner from her mother?

@BertrandRussell - I would be saying about such a man exactly what I think about the OP....

I will also be unsurprised if in a few years OP name changes and posts about her failing marriage

Lweji · 05/12/2019 12:41

Assuming she does have a hospital appointment half way, it does make sense for her to go on the actual birthday, rather than having to travel again 120 miles roundtrip on another day.

I'm sure your judgement is being clouded by her usual behaviour, but assuming she will want to see your child at some point to give him her present, it seems perfectly reasonable to arrange to see her on the Saturday.
Whatever she complains about, it's the children's day (even though I don't fully get how a 2 year old has a preferred place to eat out) and she would be welcome to share your lunch or go elsewhere.

saraclara · 05/12/2019 13:16

Yes she definitely will monopolise my late morning and early afternoon and dc needs a nap later in the day so it will effectively ruin my plans for the day.

Only if you say that time is okay. She asked you when she could come. If you haven't said " we won't be free until about four" them it's down to you, not her.

It's almost like you want to remain passive so that she turns up at the wrong time and you can complain about her.

Why HAVEN'T you replied to her with a convenient time?

BeTheHokeyMan · 05/12/2019 13:28

I would give her call and then back it up by a text -Mil we have plans for the day, soft play at x time followed by lunch at x restaurant and then home for nap afters. You are welcome to join us but those are our plans and we will be sticking to them

Aridane · 05/12/2019 13:32

@saraclara - presumably to keep her in her place and to demonstrate how unimportant she is...

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2019 13:33

Your response really depends on what your ultimate goal is. If your long term goal is to make sure you see her once a year, if that, then there are lots of helpful suggestions on here.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 05/12/2019 13:40

Tell her NO.
Her behaviour is predictable, selfish and will ruin your plans to celebrate YOUR child’s birthday.
Be out for the day. Turn off phones after you have to,d hernit to come by as you are unavailable.
You don’t her an explanation of where you are going, it’s not up for negotiation.

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2019 13:42

As I said- if you don’t want to see her again or let your child have a relationship with her- fill your boots.

Aridane · 05/12/2019 13:44

Why not go 'no contact'? Hmm

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 05/12/2019 13:46

Personally, I've tried the "we won't be in" with my aunt. She responded with "I'm coming."

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 05/12/2019 13:49

Lweji plenty of two year olds have a preferred place to eat out, they usually want to go somewhere child centred.

Webby01 · 05/12/2019 14:05

I want to know what you said to her In the end OP Smile
And what she said back

TabbyMumz · 05/12/2019 14:06

"Personally, I've tried the "we won't be in" with my aunt. She responded with "I'm coming."
I'd have responded back with..."Not sure you've understood, we wont be in, so if you come, there will be no one here"?

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 05/12/2019 14:11

Which was exactly what happened, then she went ballistic down the phone at me.

thetoddleratemyhomework · 05/12/2019 14:19

Tell her you are afraid you can't in the morning but offer to meet her at your chosen place for lunch or she can see you at home afterwards. If it is your chosen lunch venue or nothing, then she will presumably humour you and go. And then you get a morning with little one and lunch in chosen place and can hang out tolerably in the afternoon?

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 05/12/2019 14:25

BertrandRussell I'm not suggesting I go low contact or never see her again. But that she doesn't get to dictate she visits on a day that isn't convenient. Because she will arrive before lunch and try to ruin my plans and outstay her welcome (not playing with my dc but most likely talking about herself). Me saying we have plans most of the day perhaps 4pm for tea and cake would be good would be met with the reply - it's inconvenient and the traffic will be bad at that time

OP posts:
Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 05/12/2019 14:29

I have messaged her saying we are busy and have plans until late afternoon and dc will need a nap as well. No reply from her yet

OP posts:
Aridane · 05/12/2019 15:26

So you haven't actually answered her question of "when would be convenient?". Instead you have just said when would be inconvenient 🙄

SpiderCharlotte · 05/12/2019 15:38

I wonder what the MILs thread would be from her point of view. Grin

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2019 15:49

Well, arriving somewhere at 4.00 when you have a 60 mile drive home would probably involve pretty bad traffic....

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2019 15:51

And it is impossible to interpret your message as anything but a snub. So if that’s what you wanted to achieve, you did.

AngelsSins · 05/12/2019 15:59

Sometimes it’s the dil. I know that is an unfathomable concept to lots of you but it’s true

Well brace yourself for this one because sometimes it’s MILs precious SON. God forbid he be capable of arranging with his own mother times for her to see his child huh? Only women have that special ability. How many fathers are expected to facilitate contact with their child and MIL?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 16:04

Yeah you've literally said "we're busy all day you're not welcome" when the woman is offering to a 120 mile round trip. But she's in the wrong.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 16:04

@AngelsSins imagine OPs reaction if DH had invited her on their day out without OPs permission Confused