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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 04/12/2019 20:18

Some of you must live in a world full of unicorns and rainbows where every relative is perfect and you all sing kumbayah as you skip through your lives! The OP has made clear her MIL has history of being intrusive,critical and disruptive. She isn't the ideal granny you may have in your life and therefore responding to her is tricky-it doesn't sound like the OP wants her out of the picture just for limited amounts of time

loseyourself · 04/12/2019 20:55

For once I would like to hear a drip feed of evidence as to why granny has found herself in such a position that she is not welcome to see her grandchild on his birthday after asking about a convenient time.

buckeejit · 04/12/2019 21:04

I'd be gutted if I couldn't see my grandchild on their birthday if I was within fairly easy reach.

By all means tell her your plans & timings & ask her to pop by to home, lunch, soft play etc. You don't have to wait around for her but you would be the bigger person to let her come. Your ds won't really know what's going on & will be delighted with whatever happy things happen. It feels really mean to exclude her, even if she is a bitch.

TabbyMumz · 04/12/2019 22:11

"I'd be gutted if I couldn't see my grandchild on their birthday if I was within fairly easy reach."
Gutted! Bit dramatic, much. Wouldnt you be happy that your grandchild is having a lovely day and you could see him/her the next day?

saraclara · 04/12/2019 22:41

Some of you must live in a world full of unicorns and rainbows where every relative is perfect

Nope. Not at all. I simply don't think it's terrible for a grandparent to say "what time is good for me to see GC on his birthday?" Because the parents can either a) give a time that's convenient, or b) say they're really sorry but they have plans all day, but how about tomorrow?

The OP though (aided and abetted by some posters on here) turned that simple question into some sort of entitled demand that was goig to ruin her day.

PrettyPurse · 04/12/2019 22:47

@ILikePandas15 what did you do?

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 23:09

This is such a sad thread.

It is. I remember my grandpa always being around on my birthday - lots of photos of him with us and a cake etc. He died when I was 12 so I'm glad I had that time with him.

A lot of, not all, parents don't care that their child might also enjoy/want to see their grandparents on their birthday. They make it all about themselves and what they want, not their child.

You just need to read some of the replies on here to see that.

There are plenty of unpleasant DILs as well as unpleasant MILs.

justilou1 · 04/12/2019 23:17

“We are not going to be around that day. We have made plans with friends. Some other time, maybe.”

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2019 23:33

“ “We are not going to be around that day. We have made plans with friends. Some other time, maybe.”

Fuck me! This message would make damn sure she was out of your life forever. So if that’s what you want, OP....

justilou1 · 04/12/2019 23:41

She is intrusive and takes over. My MIL is the same. You have to have “plans” that she can’t butt into.

saraclara · 05/12/2019 00:00

On MumsNet* Grandparents are apparently supposed to love and (literally) care for their grandkids when it suits their parents, and butt out when it doesn't, then.

I couldn't appreciate my daughter and my MIL any more than I do right now.

*I know that doesn't apply to everyone here. But it's very prevalent in this thread and on others. Fortunately I don't know anyone in real life who acts this way.

aHintOfPercy · 05/12/2019 00:05

The more people your child has in his life who love him the better, so maybe put your irritation aside and facilitate their relationship.

I used to have a very strained relationship with my MIL (we've both mellowed over the past 33 years and get on fine-ish now), but I always encouraged the relationship with my DC, for the benefit of my DC as much as the in-laws. It's lovely that my now adult DC have such a close bond with their grandparents.

Aridane · 05/12/2019 01:12

All these MIL/needy/selfish/self-absorbed threads are really putting me off MN. It’s become a forum for miserly, miserable, unhappy, whining adults acting like children to come together to egg each other on

@7salmonswimming - I hear you. Just try to think of those posters as typical of Mumsnet but outliers / atypical in the day to day 'RL' non Mumsnet world.

Also - I guess people aren't going to post saying what a nice day they had for their 2 year Old's birthday with DGPs, decent lunch , soft play not too bad and a nice birthday day, with DC enchanted by her presents.

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 05/12/2019 08:58

Grandparents are obliged to babysit and provide childcare
She hasn't done any babysitting/ childcare or helped in any way with my dc. She also shows no interest in him when she is her. She mostly ignores him as she is more interested in talking about herself and talking to my husband like he is a child who needs her constant guidance. My dc's step grandmother (is that the write word - my fil's wife) is more interested in him when she visits than she is.

what does dh think he is a mummy's boy and I have been slowly cutting the apron strings for the past 10 years. He used to tell her everything like personal financial details (how much I earn for example) and even used to tell her personal medical details about me (like when she asked what examinations I was having after giving birth). She has even picked out jobs dh should apply for (that pay less) and houses we should move into (as it's a better school area). Guilt trips, passive aggressiveness and sulking if we ignore her demands. Even bribery - once to try to get me to stop breastfeeding. I could write a book about all the crap she has done.

She is now claiming she has a hospital appointment half way between her house and our house in the morning at 9am, so I get the feeling from that she expects to visit before lunch. So her arriving late, outstaying welcome is very likely.

OP posts:
howabout · 05/12/2019 09:48

So when she said "what time suits" what she really meant was "I could do with a debrief after my hospital appointment. I will be rocking up mid morning as and when I get there. I will then sit there expectantly till gone 12 when I will need fed before doing the 1 1/2 hour drive home. Since it is DGS birthday I have the perfect excuse to monopolise your late morning and early afternoon".

If you have a 2 year old visitors doing this are effectively using up the whole day because toddlers don't cope well with behaving well till mid afternoon with no nap and then going out.

YANBU Op but I don't think subtle "compromise" will work. It just leads to more dishonesty and manipulation.

Lweji · 05/12/2019 10:05

You haven't answered if there is a small family gathering to celebrate the birthday.
That way you can justifiably tell her that you'll be out on the day and that you're all celebrating on X day and she's welcome to go then.

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 05/12/2019 10:35

Yes she definitely will monopolise my late morning and early afternoon and dc needs a nap later in the day so it will effectively ruin my plans for the day.

Lweji this is outing but dc's birthday this Saturday. My dh is away for work from this Saturday evening to next weekend so can't do anything for family then. Then it's weekend before Christmas. Mil could have come this week or next but that doesn't seem to suit her. Fil and his wife came last weekend to see dc and give him his presents

OP posts:
iheartchristmas92 · 05/12/2019 10:39

fuck that. whether the hospital appointment is legit or not, tell her you're out for the day and make sure you're out of the house by 9.30 or so. it's your son's day, not hers.

anyway hospital appointments can easily run over and she could be waiting god knows how long. if you were to wait for her, you'd never leave the house

BertrandRussell · 05/12/2019 10:54

I would like to ban “mummy’s boy” and “apron strings” from the language. What would we say about a man who tried to detach his female partner from her mother?

KristinaM · 05/12/2019 10:58

Op, you will have seen from this thread that there are a lot of entitled MIL out there. Whatever their DIL does for them, it’s not enough.

Which is why I recommend strongly to you that you let your Dh deal with his own mother, arrange visits and play host when she comes. IMO the vast majority of “ MIL problems “ are in fact Dh problems, which seems to be your situation.

Past of being an adult and parent is dealing with your extended family. Let your Dh step up and handle his side of the family and you deal with yours. You are not his secretary and I assume you have not gone part time / become a SAHM to do that job.

Many men are quite happy to have their wife deal with any unreasonable behaviour from their family and will only step up and deal with it when it impacts them personally . The longer you go on handling her, the longer he will ignore her and complain about you.

If your husband continues to tell his mother your personal Information, you need to tell him that you can’t trust him so you won’t tell him either. Your medical information isn’t some sort of currency that he can use to keep his mother happy. People like her collect information and use it to control others.

I have to say that your MILs behaviour sounds very inappropriate. I’d never dream of asking my daughters about their gynaecology issues, let alone my DILs. If they wanted to discuss this things with me, they would tell me without my asking. It’s very intrusive.

Busybeebeebee · 05/12/2019 10:59

Show your husband the lead and be more assertive with her.
Just out right say to her you’re sorry she has an appointment but you’ll be out by that time so another day would suit everyone best.
Otherwise pipe down.

MiniEggAddiction · 05/12/2019 11:33

It's not like MiL is being excluded from a big family party. Surely she can see her grandson the next day and give him his present then. At two years old the actual birthday can be overwhelming and it's nice to spread it out a bit.

Lweji · 05/12/2019 12:07

TBH, I'd have still arranged for a family gathering, given that it's his birthday. Her intentions are not odd at all. It may not suit your plans for the day, but surely you could change some of the plans for the next day, however she is.

Your DH is away from the evening and I'm sure you could do something in the afternoon to celebrate the birthday. Isn't he included in your plans, btw?

TabbyMumz · 05/12/2019 12:16

"The OP though (aided and abetted by some posters on here) turned that simple question into some sort of entitled demand that was goig to ruin her day."
But it becomes like an entitled demand doesnt it when she is clear she wants to see him on his birthday!!!! If she had said "I realise its x's birthday on Saturday..I have a gift for him, when would be convenient, either before or after saturday" that would be fine as its left quite open.....but saying when can I see him on his birthday is putting the expectation out there that she wants to see him on the day.

TabbyMumz · 05/12/2019 12:20

My MIL asked to see our child on their birthday via my husband, but we declined. They have two sets of grandparents who live an hour away from each other and I didnt want to set a precedent early on that we would be spending every one of their birthdays sitting in one grandparents house for a few hours then driving an hour to the other grandparents house and doing the same. It would just be silly and not fair on the children, who just want a day out in their birthday. Plus it's impossible to do that on school days etc.