To ask for a good reply to Mil

[ILikePandas15]

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

Maybe she could set up a standing order?

@BertrandRussell

That would be outrageously intrusive and controlling - huh, she would merely be trying to buy time with the grandchild. And how thoughtless not being bothered to buy a proper present. And how inconvenient - OP will have to check her bank statements to see if it's arrived. She would just be trying to keep DH tied to her apron strings. And manipulative. Plus how insulting - is she suggesting that OP does not have enough money to look after her child. To set up a standing order or to want to give the present to the grandchild is really the height of cuntiness - MIL needs to know she is not welcome anytime, any place, anywhere.

I think the only sensible solution is that she sells her house and gives DH his inheritance early so he can always buy DS' presents and then you can go NC

@GiveHerHellFromUs - even that would not be enough

@Aridane it's mad isn't it?

The woman literally asked what time was suitable and her question was completely avoided so she made a decision rather than fannying about and that makes her controlling and intrusive

Clearly none of you have spent time with an interfering mother/MIL.

My mother is the sort that will ruin any event that isn't exactly what she wants by turning up late, moaning about the activity, not eating the food or drink on offer and making a fuss about alternatives (oh no, don't go to any trouble, I'll just sit here with nothing while everyone else eats, no, I don't want that alternative...) will then want to leave early and will be suddenly "ill" if you don't leave and will then have mysterious ailments caused by the event for a week after - oh, my chest has been so bad from we were out at that event, its not good for me to be out in the cold/near smoke/aircon....

There is no way I'd voluntarily ruin a day I'd planned now - I do still see my mother, it's on her terms with location/activity but not frequently (my choice) and we're as happy as we're getting.

Agree @SeaEagleFeather

Some of you are completely irrational in your responses.

“I’m sorry mil, but we won’t be in. You’ll have a wasted journey”.
She doesn’t need to know that you’re not going out until 11am. Just say you will be out early so won’t be there if she stops by. Don’t facilitate this.

The first reply you got gets my vote op.

Op is there anywhere you can go in the morning so you’re out from 9?

You need to message her back and make it clear.
You don’t have to be rude about it.

‘I’m really sorry but I think we’ve crossed wires- please don’t make the trip here on Saturday- it would have been lovely of you to drop off presents but we won’t be in to receive them.
We will see you another day’.

“Clearly none of you have spent time with an interfering mother/MIL”

What a very strange assumption.

Not that strange given some of these responses!

"Sorry, I should have been clearer. We're going to be out a lot of the day and I would hate for you to have a wasted journey. We'll be back for tea and cake around 4pm. If you'd like to join us then we'd love to see you? X"

'Oh, sorry, I wasn't clear. That day doesn't suit us because of our prior plans: how about x day or y day instead?'

No don’t apply lives gou did nothing wrong.

“Oh Mil, you misunderstood, we have plans, we won’t be home. Hope your appt goes well and we’ll let you know a better date to arrange a visit. Best to check with us first rather than turn up to avoid a wasted trip. “

GiveHerHellFromUs no she never intended to visit at a time that is convenient. She always intended to arrive after her appointment that suits her. She has a form for this exact type of behaviour. Making it seem like she is giving a choice but isn't. I said I had plans until late afternoon - did she suggest arriving then. No she intends to arrive at the time she always planned on arriving.

Just reread mil's reply and she phrased it as "we will leave as soon as we drop the presents off". Which is definitely a lie. But it's phrased in a way if I say no I look unreasonable. As soon as they arrive after I have to wait in for them they will ask for a cup of tea and then end up staying for hours. She has done this exact same thing in the past. She always intended to arrive when it suits her and stay for hours.

Ill reply with "unfortunately we will be leaving early to get an early lunch in town. Its unlikely we will be in when you arrive so to avoid a wasted journey it's probably best to arrange another day. Perhaps Sunday for tea and cake?"

Don't say unlikely, it leaves the door open. Say you won't be

Say you need to leave by 11 latest and hope they can see you before then otherwise you will catch up another day. Make sure you leave your house at 11.

‘ unfortunately we will be leaving early to get an early lunch in town. Its unlikely we will be in when you arrive so to avoid a wasted journey it's probably best to arrange another day. Perhaps Sunday for tea and cake?"’

Too long and loose

‘Unfortunately we are going out early for the day. We will not be in in the morning. We’d love to see you though: Sunday for tea and birthday cake? x’

OP that answer seems perfectly reasonable and fair.

OP - are you always a wet lettuce like this? So many PPs giving you good advice, and good clear messages to send your MIL, and you keep replying as if she's magically going to lock you in your own house and force you to wait for her.

So what if she 'expects' you to stay in til she arrives. Who's making you stay in? Certainly not your MIL! It's starting to sound like you want to be a bit of a martyr over it all, to be honest.

It's really very (VERY) easy though. Text back if you must, but in very clear tones (why on earth did you waffle on before?) saying "If you come here we won't be in. I told you we have plans all day." And then GO OUT! Be out by the time her appointment at the hospital starts, and stay out. Turn your phone off/put in on silent, and if she calls or texts you, ignore her. It's really very simple, and not the agonising set of 'maybes and what ifs' you seem to be making it into.

No more wet lettuce, OP. If there's any comeback, you need your DH to support you, and you both need to be singing off the same hymn sheet. If he doesn't, well, as you saying goes you have a DH problem too! Good luck!

You’re part of the problem OP. The details are like giving your MIL an invitation and you’re putting yourself in a corner it looks rude to say no to.

Keep it short, brief and to the point.
Please don’t tell her you’re going for an early lunch- how will you respond if she asks to meet and go with you?

“ how will you respond if she asks to meet and go with you?”

That would be lovely- see you in McDonalds at 1.00” Sorted.

leave out something she can put the presents in and say "we'll be out from 10 so if you're not here by then pop them in the x and we'll collect them when we get home"

My Mil would never enter a McDonald's

“ My Mil would never enter a McDonald's”

Fair enough. Her choice then.