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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 06/12/2019 10:12

"Sorry can't do then as I said we are out for the day until x time in the afternoon. Let me know a different day that's convenient "

crispysausagerolls · 06/12/2019 10:14

Just reply and say "We won't be her, I'm busy as I said. Feel free to leave the gifts round the back or we can rearrange for a more suitable time, as previously suggested

Absolutely this!

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 10:20

Checking Google map, it says 50 minute drive from the hospital she mentioned to our house. So if appointment at 9am plus an hour drive it is very doubtful she will arrive before 11am. Plus traffic might be bad or appointment running late etc it could be closer to 12am.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 06/12/2019 10:24

She’s not going to respect your boundaries unless you stick to what you tell her. Reply back and say you won’t be around when she arrives and make sure you’re not.

kaldefotter · 06/12/2019 10:33

Let her know you won’t be home (because of those plans you’ve told her you have), and that you wouldn’t like her to have a wasted journey. Suggest that she visit another day. You’re not compelled to wait in for her. Nor do you need to let her get under your skin. Just a bright and breezy response (where you call the shots).

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/12/2019 10:40

You now have the perfect opportunity to say "Oh, that's too bad MiL, As I mentioned in my earlier text, we are not staying in and will be out by the time you arrive from your appointment. Can you let us know a different day when it is convenient for you to visit."
Otherwise, even if you do go out she will be phoning you expecting you to return from wherever you are at the time.
Or just go out as you have planned by 11am and if she phones, let it go to voicemail.

Talkingmouse · 06/12/2019 10:52

You need to communicate more clearly and directly, without long excuses/reasons/holes. And plan further ahead in future.

‘We are out all day until 4pm. You’d be welcome to join us for tea and cake’

Leaves minimal room for ambiguity.

You need to take leadership of the relationship.

Lweji · 06/12/2019 11:04

You didn't say you were out of the house, did you?

Tell her now that you are elsewhere and won't return until X time.

Or that she's welcome to join you for lunch at McDs (or whatever she hates).

Or that you won't be home that day but she's welcome to go on X date.

Or suck it up and entertain the mother of your husband for a few hours, as awful as she is.

TabbyMumz · 06/12/2019 11:17

"loseyourselfI completely agree. No detail given at all about how MIL is manipulative; I suspect she's just a perfectly normal woman with a spiteful DIL. Still, what goes around comes around. Hopefully when OP is a MIL she'll face the same attitude."

She has given lots and lots of detail, also in previous threads.

TabbyMumz · 06/12/2019 11:19

OP.. why dont you follow it up with "we wont be in, so if you come you can perhaps put the presents in a safe place (greenhouse/shed whatever). Or we could arrange another time or day to meet when it suits us both. " she doesnt down you. Dont let her bully you.

TabbyMumz · 06/12/2019 11:19

Own you not down you

isshoes · 06/12/2019 11:41

I'm agreeing here that you're being harsh OP. 'Picking out houses and jobs' for you is wishful thinking - she didn't force you to go for them! How could she? With the medical details after birth - I don't see the big deal! She didn't attempt to access your medical records, she asked your husband (I assume). Does she have a daughter? I would talk to my own mum about stuff like this. And in respect of what's happening on your DS' birthday, maybe she knows you like to keep her at arm's length and so is asserting herself to ensure she can see her grandson and give him a gift on his birthday. 'We've got plans' (if that is indeed what you said to her) sounds very dismissive, and I reckon she's calling your bluff.

I'm usually on the other side in these debates - feeling aggrieved for the DIL that the MIL is so interfering and intrusive. But on the basis of the information you've provided thus far, this sounds to me like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. And I'm inclined to side with the woman who wants to drive 120 miles to see her DGC on his birthday over the woman who'd really rather she just came another day (if at all) and didn't 'overstay her welcome'.

just5morepeas · 06/12/2019 11:43

Don't let her bully you into changing plans.

I'd be perfectly polite but say you wont be in at that time so it'll have to be later or a different day.

If you want to be really nice I'd tell her you'll be at soft play and she can join you there if she'd like.

Majorcollywobble · 06/12/2019 11:47

Tell her to stay away and just send a cheque for his birthday .

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 11:50

Maybe she could set up a standing order?

saraclara · 06/12/2019 11:50

Instead of posting on here, why haven't you just messaged her back to say, "Sorry, but as I just explained, we won't be home"?

isshoes · 06/12/2019 12:05

Yes, Dear MIL. Please refer to my previous message. Due to circumstances beyond my control, it will not be possible for me to satisfy your demands. Sincerely, DIL.

howabout · 06/12/2019 12:06

If the MiL is really a perfectly reasonable person then I don't see the problem with the Op suggesting later in the day. She won't realistically be at the Op's much before 12. Would it really have been so difficult for her to say "in that case I'll take myself for lunch after the hospital and do a bit of shopping and drop in at yours for 4, as you suggest, before I make my way home".

It takes 2 to tango and tramping all over everyone else with your needs is not generally how to win friends and influence people.

Stand firm Op because it will do your relationship with your MiL no good to bend to her will and then sit there all morning stewing before putting up with her when she arrives. Much better to put your foot down and give her the opportunity to reassess her approach.

Lweji · 06/12/2019 12:07

Or: Just send it by post and don't show up your face.

Or: be direct with her about when she can visit or not. Do tell her when it's a convenient time, not when it's not, fgs.

Lweji · 06/12/2019 12:10

I don't see the problem with anyone just saying that they'll pop in to drop a present if the other person says she is busy, but doesn't say they are out of the house, right after an appointment that requires a long drive.
It's unfair to expect MIL to wait around the whole day to be able to see her grandchild, or have to travel the full 120 miles another day.
Would you do this to any other relative?

lovemenorca · 06/12/2019 12:13

Invite her along for the day

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 12:29

Maybe she could set up a standing order?

I think the only sensible solution is that she sells her house and gives DH his inheritance early so he can always buy DS' presents and then you can go NC.

chickenandwhat · 06/12/2019 12:36

We did the we are going out and invited both sets of grandparents to arrive at 3.30pm for birthday cake, we said stay for dinner (pizza ordered in) . So they saw DS and didn't have to rush off. What they thought I don't care, they wouldn't go out to where I wanted if I asked, so that's the only offer.

I wish my parents would want to go out with my DS. They just aren't interested, they just want to sit at home and drink tea ( they are perfectly fit and healthy, just stuck in their ways.) MIL does sometimes want to come but in reality it never happens as she's got a busy social life or rings up on the day expecting me to be free.

isshoes · 06/12/2019 12:45

My MIL hasn't met DS (20 months) yet because she lives in a country that is currently unsafe to visit and she isn't able to travel herself. I wish dearly she could meet him, and know she longs to do so herself. I understand that we could be talking about two VERY different types of MIL here but I would implore you to get a bit of perspective OP.

SeaEagleFeather · 06/12/2019 12:54

@loseyourself I completely agree. No detail given at all about how MIL is manipulative; I suspect she's just a perfectly normal woman with a spiteful DIL. Still, what goes around comes around. Hopefully when OP is a MIL she'll face the same attitude.

talking of spiteful, I suspect it's very clear what sort of MIL your DIl's will have. You haven't read the posts, you assume she is spiteful, and you hope she will have a problem with her DIL.

It's called projection and it shows much more about you than the OP.

OP this thread is amazing, AIBU is a bearpit. You might want to repost in relationships where at least some people can read and you won't be under such attack .. at least, not quite so much.