Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a good reply to Mil

449 replies

ILikePandas15 · 04/12/2019 14:11

Mil has invited herself to visit us on ours sons 2nd birthday. She didn’t ask if it was ok (if we busy or have plans) and just said what time is good for me to visit. I have plans for the day and will be taking him out for his favourite food in town and then soft play or the park (weather depending). She also has the habit of trying to take over and control everything so frankly I don't want her here. What's a good reply to her text just assuming that she can visit.

OP posts:
Greenwingmemories · 06/12/2019 08:10

Wow that a horrible message OP. Whatever you think of her unless there's a massive back story she'll be very hurt by that. No attempt to soften it or say you'd like to see her at some point. You're obviously emboldened by the 'they're my children and we can do whatever we want with them brigade'. And they're right, of course you can. But there's no reason to be unkind to your MiL. It's not clever, whatever the people on Mumsnet say. And if you have sons it's a very different feeling when they get older and they're going to marry their own DIls soon.

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 09:08

Got a reply, mil says no problem we will just drop of presents and won't stay long. We will come straight from appointment. She has just invited herself even though I said no and no doubt she will arrive late and outstay her welcome to ruin my plans. I'm frankly shocked at the cheek of it.

I wasn't suggesting she never visit, just at a time that is convenient for me. Fil asked to visit last week for dc's birthday. I didn't come on her saying "how dare he". I was fine with it as he visited when it was convenient and he isn't controlling and manipulative like my mil

OP posts:
Lweji · 06/12/2019 09:11

You didn't actually say no.

ColdAndSad · 06/12/2019 09:13

You have to respond and tell her that isn't convenient.

Something like,

"I'm sorry, but that doesn't work for me. Please do not come on X date as we will not be at home and your journey will be wasted."

Don't let her bully you. Be clear, be concise, and do not change to suit her.

howabout · 06/12/2019 09:22

Agree with ColdandSad

Your MiL has effectively already responded with "that doesn't work for me so I will just do what I want and make you accommodate me" so the only reasonable response is to stonewall straight back - and make sure you are out with your phone off on the day.

Letseatgrandma · 06/12/2019 09:23

We will come straight from appointment.

Has she told you when that will be? Shame if you were out!

Tbh I can’t tel if you’re being awkward or she is.

MumW · 06/12/2019 09:24

Reply. "Please don't come before 5pm as we won't be around."

Iamtooknackeredtorun · 06/12/2019 09:25

When is the birthday? Apologies if I have missed this.

If it’s this weekend and you haven’t thought about when or how your son will get to see his GM near to or on his birthday then I think her text is fair enough. It’s hardly that she’s pestering six months before about arrangements and wanting to be centre stage.

Also the comment about an imaginary consultant obstetrician interrupting his busy day to de with triviality is classic MN bollocks. Perhaps the OP has a career too. Or god forbid the grandmother as well.

My take based on your first post and subsequent replies is you don’t really like the woman (and there isn’t much evidence to actually justify why) and want to exclude her from the day. If I’m right then it’s a small minded and mean approach.

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 09:26

Lweji I didn't say the word no but I said I was busy and had plans until later afternoon. She has basically ignored that and decided what time she is arriving

OP posts:
Tootyfruityfoo · 06/12/2019 09:34

Reply and say sorry but we won't be home another day then.
The cheek of her!

ColdCottage · 06/12/2019 09:38

If you have told her you won't be in and she turns up during that time more fool her.

She can't expect you to change plans. You've been very fair saying you are in later. Hopefully she will come when asked. Good luck

Sindragosan · 06/12/2019 09:40

You need to be clearer "We're going to be out of the house until 3pm, if afternoon isn't convenient we can arrange another day that suits us both"

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 09:41

If you're not going to be in she can't outstay her welcome.
If you are going to be in you're lying to her about your plans and it'll look like she's not welcome.

loseyourself · 06/12/2019 09:41

he isn't controlling and manipulative like my mil

good luck in the future when your darling son has his own wife, you reap what you sow, what goes around comes around and all that. What would it take to just be kind and let her see his grandson on his birthday, maybe he loves her even if you don't. It is not all about you and your 'plans' OP. It is perfectly normal for a grandparent to want to see their grandson on his birthday and if she lives that far away she probably doesn't see him that often. I am guessing her presents will also be sneered at. Nasty, nasty attitude with no empathy.

BertrandRussell · 06/12/2019 09:42

If she’s going to turn up late how is she going to ruin your plans for lunch and the early afternoon?

tattyheadsmum · 06/12/2019 09:45

@loseyourself I completely agree. No detail given at all about how MIL is manipulative; I suspect she's just a perfectly normal woman with a spiteful DIL. Still, what goes around comes around. Hopefully when OP is a MIL she'll face the same attitude.

Wtfdoipick · 06/12/2019 09:46

If she’s going to turn up late how is she going to ruin your plans for lunch and the early afternoon?

Because late means saying 10.30, turning up at 11 then stopping till 3 if it's anything like my mother. Turning up late does not mean 4pm in the afternoon

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 09:47

BertrandRussell because she will expect me to wait in for her. Then she won't just be dropping of the presents she will outstay her welcome. I'm planning to set off to town by 11am.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 09:49

If she has a hospital appointment a 40 minute drive away at 9am it's highly unlikely she'll be with you by 11am.

Wtfdoipick · 06/12/2019 09:50

I suspect she's just a perfectly normal woman with a spiteful DIL

Perfectly normal women do not ask what time suits, get told late afternoon then respond by saying it'll be the morning.

Jimmers · 06/12/2019 09:50

So surely the simplest thing is to message her back saying you’ll be out from 11, and stick to it regardless of when she turns up?

Original poster
ILikePandas15 · 06/12/2019 09:52

loseyourself so asking about my medical details, trying to bribe my husband to get me to stop breastfeeding, picking out jobs and houses for us, using guilt trips and sulking isn't interfering and controlling?

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 06/12/2019 09:59

Tell her you’re leaving the house at 11, so hope to see her before then.

The problem with hospital appointments, they sometimes don’t run on time. If she actually got an appointment of course!

averythinline · 06/12/2019 10:01

just say - we'll be probably be out dont bother popping by .. personally I would be out - take DC for brunch/breakfast... or have bags n coats at the door and put yours on before you open the door...

If you don't stand up to her she is not going to get it.....and will think she can ignore your plans...think of it as teaching your DC to stand up to bullies.....as thats what she is...

If your H wont tell her you will have to...

antisupermum · 06/12/2019 10:05

Just reply and say "We won't be her, I'm busy as I said. Feel free to leave the gifts round the back or we can rearrange for a more suitable time, as previously suggested"

People only get away with what you let them. Time to stop pussy-footing around the woman and be a grown up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread