Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To hand child over to someone who can?

148 replies

Vengabusiscoming2019 · 04/12/2019 11:12

DD is 5. Life is horrendous with her and I'm a single parent.

Last night she came home from school and would not stop attacking her 3 year old brother. Even when I was sat in the middle of them if he so much as looked at her she was going for him. I had to call my neighbour to come get the 3 year old because I literally couldn't keep him safe from a 5 year old.

I dropped her to school this morning after being vile all morning and she leant in for a kiss and I literally couldn't bring myself to kiss her. I have to pick her up in 3 hours and I genuinely do not want to go. It's relentless and I'm broken.

Who do you call when you get to this point?

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 04/12/2019 11:14

You need to talk to a professional for some help. Try your HV or GP

MrsMaiselsMuff · 04/12/2019 11:17

What is the background? Are there problems at school, when did the behaviour begin?

OurChristmasMiracle · 04/12/2019 11:17

I would say take yourself and your daughter to the doctors. Her behaviour may indicate her having some underlying issues that if addressed may improve life significantly.

Have you asked your DD one to one why she attacks her little brother and is challenging to parent?

MatildaTheCat · 04/12/2019 11:19

Definitely call your HV straight away for support.

Is this new? Has she had any significant changes to her life recently? How is she at school/ with other people?

Many children cope at school but then meltdown at home, displaying their difficulties in the safe place.

I really hope you can get some support. There is at least support on here.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2019 11:20

When did this start? Does she believe you favour your son? It was really upsetting to read you couldn't kiss her.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 04/12/2019 11:21

You couldnt kiss your own daughter?
I'm sorry but she is 5 years old.
You both need help.

Original poster

Vengabusiscoming2019 · 04/12/2019 11:23

Back ground is that until she was 2yr2m she lives in a house with horrendous domestic abuse. She also at a similar age flagged highly for ASD. Professionals can't agree whether it's ASD or not but no one will touch her to deal with the obvious trauma until ASD is ruled out/confirmed. No one will support her with the strong asd traits that have been confirmed she has (the only hold off on full diagnosis was the trauma still being too recent).

Her challenging behaviour increased ten fold since starting school. She is violent in the mornings and immediately after school. I dread waking up because I know what is coming my way and I dread picking her up because I know what is coming.

I dont get any time to sit and cuddle and enjoy the youngest one because she is so intense. She doesn't sleep. She doesn't talk to me except with the next demand.

I should have been able to kiss my child without knowing I was going to burst into tears if I did.

OP posts:

Nessaofbarry · 04/12/2019 11:25

I would certainly be considering my options if I were you. It sounds like you’re really at the end of your tether and it will most likely get worse

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 11:26

You need some support.

You could go to your GP, your health visitor or social services. Don’t feel bad about the kiss. We all have our breaking points.

jamoncrumpets · 04/12/2019 11:27

A lot of questions and I appreciate you may not be inclined to answer them. Does she have an EHCP? Is she in a mainstream school or specialist?

Singlenotsingle · 04/12/2019 11:27

I'd be seriously worried, especially for his safety. You do need professional help.

Original poster

Vengabusiscoming2019 · 04/12/2019 11:28

I should add that I do love her. I really love her. I literally feel sick every single day for what she went through and that I can't just take it all away. She is beautiful and funny and caring and loving but she also has this awful side to her and it's exhausting.

Our entire life revolves around her, it's not even the meltdowns that are draining. It's the routines and things having to be just right and nothing ever just being simple.

I feel so guilty for DS.

OP posts:

Redhead37 · 04/12/2019 11:34

I have nothing to add but am sending you hugs and I feel for you. Please see the doctor or HV for help. You must be at the end of your tether.

HollowTalk · 04/12/2019 11:40

I think she needs some love-bombing, but appreciate how hard that would be when she's behaving in such a difficult way. I think it's the only thing that'll make a difference, though.

Are you her birth mother or did you adopt her? Were you the one going through that abuse? Your reaction to her being violent will differ if you did.

Original poster

Vengabusiscoming2019 · 04/12/2019 11:43

I'm her birth mum and yes it was me. The 'dad' is court ordered no direct or indirect contact as a result. I found myself messaging him earlier to take him

OP posts:

ColdAsIceCubes · 04/12/2019 11:49

What have school said? Once they’re school age I’ve personally found it is much easier for school to make the referral to the correct agencies.

I have a 5yr old boy with ASD who attends a special school, and this is how he behaves every morning before he gets on his bus to school & once he’s home.

When you pick her up today can you pop in and see the SENCo, ask them if they can come to the door in the mornings and just watch from a distance and observe some of the behaviour? Has her teacher said anything to you? Ask for her to be observed particularly during difficult times such as transitions ie classroom to playground, classroom to dining hall etc, it may help them see a pattern.

I can’t help with strategies as I’m in the same boat as you, I’m treading water trying to keep my head above. He is my youngest though, so I don’t have the worries you have with hurting younger siblings, though I have the guilt that my others suffer in other ways.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 04/12/2019 11:51

Can I point you towards Dr Laura Markham? I found her work lifechanging. Not necessarily easy, but so effective. Transformed my (then 5 yo) son.

ahaparenting.com

ScrimshawTheSecond · 04/12/2019 11:53

Also, OP, you need support and help and care for yourself, as a priority. In order to help your child. You can do this, but you need to ask for help. I think 5 is a crunch time, school will bring up all the anxiety issues around attachment and being left. I really feel for you and your family, sounds like you've been through so much. Take care.

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 04/12/2019 11:59

You both sound a bit broken and in need of some support. You're recovering yourself from domestic abuse whilst also having to care for 2 kids alone, one who is challenging right now. Its sounds incredibly tough and I just want to say I am sure you are doing an amazing job being there for both of your dc. Go easy on yourself, no one is perfect and we all have moments where we just dont like our dc (love them always but not always like). Definitely contact HV. Are you in touch with early help? They are like the step before social services who will give you advice. Push push push for asd assessment asap. But also remember asd or not, she should still know right from wrong and if she is attacking her brother it is her who should be punished with the naughty step or whatever your chosen method is. Not the little one.

AHippoNamedBooBooButt · 04/12/2019 12:00

That was meant to be flowers not gin. But hey whatever works right? 😉💐

LuciaLuciaLucia · 04/12/2019 12:01

Does your little one stay wit you during the day when she goes to school?
So from her point of view he stays and has his mom for himself and she has to go away?

Oncemoreinthenameof · 04/12/2019 12:01

Women’s Aid do a course called You and Me mum. It’s about parenting after domestic abuse. They also often offer support directly to children. See if you can get support through them whilst you’re waiting for statutory services to get their act together. Please don’t contact your abuses. Foster care would be better than that. I also recommend home-start. A volunteer will come once a week for a few hours to give you a break or support you with the children. There isn’t going to be one magic solution but bit by bit you can get the help you need.

Oncemoreinthenameof · 04/12/2019 12:01

^abuser

BlouseAndSkirt · 04/12/2019 12:03

Sending a hand hold.

Is she like this at school, or just at home?

BlouseAndSkirt · 04/12/2019 12:05

I know this is hard, but please, please do not message that man.

You could potentially invalidate the order.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread