To hand child over to someone who can?

[Vengabusiscoming2019]

DD is 5. Life is horrendous with her and I'm a single parent.

Last night she came home from school and would not stop attacking her 3 year old brother. Even when I was sat in the middle of them if he so much as looked at her she was going for him. I had to call my neighbour to come get the 3 year old because I literally couldn't keep him safe from a 5 year old.

I dropped her to school this morning after being vile all morning and she leant in for a kiss and I literally couldn't bring myself to kiss her. I have to pick her up in 3 hours and I genuinely do not want to go. It's relentless and I'm broken.

Who do you call when you get to this point?

It could very well be all three: attachment disorder/PTSD and ASD.

Call social services.

Definitely see your GP and get a referral to a paediatrition.

It is not unusual to see behaviour escalate at school age, 1 because it becomes more noticeable as you see all the kids around her mature and start to control their behaviour and 2 because the pressure of school adds another dimension to her life, a pressure that makes it harder for her to hold herself together during the day and she is exploding in her 'safe zone' at home.

@Clearnightsky

I feel like that's been my problem. Ever since she was tiny I have adapted our lives to her. We loved by strict routine, I automatically followed the rituals. I avoided crowds and places like shops because they are triggers. Then she started school and no longer can I avoid the triggers. I can't keep the strict routines and rituals. Then I'm dealing with the aftermath after school.

Her anxiety about it all has made the rituals and difficulties about it all even worse and now we are in a spiral

Ever since she was tiny I have adapted our lives to her. We loved by strict routine, I automatically followed the rituals. I avoided crowds and places like shops because they are triggers.

There is much research that doing this at a young age merely ingrains the behaviour even more. Following rituals just gave her permission to have rituals and develop more of them. Avoidance just re-inforces the behaviour and gives validity to it, and means the child never develops the techiques to overcome discomfort. The world is full of discomfort though, so when they come to a situation where they have to face it, like school, they can't, because they've never had to. Hence the spiral.

Hi OP, i have worked with several children who have significant behavioural problems after living with domestic abuse, they are often angry and scared and want to feel safe, often recommended parenting techniques of time out and ignoring exacerbate their need to be close to you, to feel loved and secure, they behave better at school due to routine, everyone following the very clear rules and the teacher being a 'safe' person. Ask for help from your H.V, I work in Early Help and this is a normal referral for us.

No I have never had support to cope with the abuse. We split Jan 2017. Immediately I had to deal with both criminal and family court. Dd was noticed as flagging highly for ASD. Ds spent much if his first 18 months on antibiotics for recurrent tonsilitis. I haven't had time to deal with it

I just read some of these posts and I think it is best if you stay away from the replies on this thread, your daughter sounds like she had some sort of neurological disorder and it is so very easy for outsiders with neurotypical children to sit in judgement and tell you what you are doing wrong and how you should fix it but the reality is starkly different.

I would suggest that you join facebook pages for parent support for both ADHD and autism (a child can have both), your child may have neither but parents within these groups can be a very helpful source of information even if you just scroll though and read the posts you may find some really helpful parenting advice from parents who deal with the same behaviours as you.

But GP for paed referral should be your first port of call ASAP.

Maybe try a homoeopath ?

Is she under the SENCO? Are there any domestic violence services you can access, some work with families and some with just the parent(S)

Is she only there for the morning?

That is because the level of her triggers is too high. There are too many anxiety provoking events. It may not feel like it to you, I understand, my life is utterly centred around my kids needs and it is very very stressful.

However this very extreme aggression is a sign that her world is way too difficult for her at the moment, and until you make her life easier it won’t get better, and one day you will have a big strong DD.

I have to even watch what I say to my DS, he has so many routines and that is his anchor. I have to have so much patience I feel I’m going to explode some days.

But once their environment is much easier and less stressful for your DD and your DS, then you really can start to very very gradually expose them to more and more. My DS can now go anywhere with me, but it’s taken months and years of gradual getting him used to stuff.

Take shopping. I stopped going shopping. DS would have meltdowns if I didn’t do a certain thing etc. or the lights. Or the noise. You know what? I really didn’t have to go shopping. I ordered everything online. It’s so cheap to do that nowadays. But I took my kids to the shop just to get him used to it, and I used to just go for 2 minutes, just once or twice a week, and always get a treat at the end. If I stopped having to actually shop for food, I could focus on just helping the kids get used to it.

Now? I can go shopping anytime it’s fine.

So school? It’s not working... What can you do? You can

• take DD out of school and home school even temporarily.
• you can ask for reduced hours at school or days
• you can talk to the teachers and find out more
• you can phone social services, women’s aid, go to your GP and explain and get as much help as you can.

You also need to protect DS as a priority too.

I think the frustration can be, you are cross and angry yourself too, about your past relationships, about how hard your situation is, about DD and can unconsciously expect way too much of DD and see her behaviour as having nothing to do with your relationship with her either. I know that’s blunt but anyone with a challenging situation will often find it also difficult to cope, as you’ve clearly said in your post, and that will pass on to our kids so is a warning sign to you also - you might be starting to project a lot of anger onto DD?

But you’ve got a will to act now, so put everything else on hold and do just contact everyone professionally.

You need to join the therapeutic parenting group on Facebook. There are loads of parents there who are dealing with similar issues to you with traumatised children. They can also recommend books and courses to help and they have local " listening circles" for parents to meet up and support each other.

You poor thing, OP. It sounds like you've had an incredibly stressful few years. It's no wonder that your emotional reserves are severely depleted. You've done really well to just keep going, so please don't feel bad about a fleeting moment inn which you didn't feel like giving your dd a kiss. It doesn't matter.

It's time to ask for more help. You've shown incredible strength and resilience to get through all that you have, but this is too much for one person to deal with alone. Do you have any local friends or family who could step in and help in practical ways that could relieve the pressure a bit while you're trying to get the appropriate professional support into place?

You poor thing: it sounds really tough for all of you and I'm not surprised you are at breaking point. And you sound like you've been so strong - coping with getting out of an abusive relationship and all the difficulties both your dc have experienced. You're allowed to have a weak moment, but from what you've said, I'm sure your dc are better off with you than getting back in touch with you ex. But you need some help.

I'm just a stranger on the internet. ots of things you are describing do really sound like ASC behaviours (sensory processing - eg struggling with crowds; need for structure and routine to manage anxiety; difficulty in understanding relationships) The advice for managing her behaviour is she is on the spectrum will be very different to if she isn't. I'd go back to the school/GP and say you are seeing a real escalation in her behaviour and you really need expert help to get to the bottom of whether there is an ASC diagnosis, and PTSD/anxiety due to the trauma that you managed to rescue her from. It's really common for going to school (and/or moving from pimary to secondary) to be very challenging for children on the spectrum - they suddenly have to cope with so much more and hold it together at school, then fall apart at home. With my dc, it was the move to secondary that triggered a diagnosis - and getting that diagnosis AND lots of support (a 10 week training course in understanding ASC) has revolutionised his life (& mine!) You are lucky in some ways that you have the potential to catch this whilst she young, and with the right tools you will be able to make a difference, and both of you will be able to cope much better.

if I was you, I'd take today 'off' - do whatever makes it easy for you and let yourself rest a little (junk food, TV, whatever!) Then tomorrow, start getting onto school and GP to try and get the support you need, and deserve.

Maybe try a homoeopath?

Please don’t. Homeopathy has no scientific basis. It’s a waste of money.

PS I'd also say when you talk to school and GP, don't hold back. Be honest about the worst of times. Our GP actually encouraged us to talk about the fact that our son was banging his head on the wall when he was frustrated (something I felt ashamed of - I must have let him down to get to that stage) as it meant we would classify as a higher priority for CAHMS. When you've been strong for so long it's hard to talk about, but it should help you get prioritised.

Please love her and kiss her. Please.

I am 62. I was an unloved child. I didn't forget. I didn't get over it.
You do need help and I hope you can find it, but so does she. And more than that, she needs to know that you love her.

Maybe try a homoeopath?

Or maybe flush a few hundred pounds down the toilet?

Same result

There is much research that doing this at a young age merely ingrains the behaviour even more. I’d be a bit careful of just expecting your child to cope and throw them into everything that triggers them. That’s when their behaviour goes downhill. So whilst I agree total avoidance forever isn’t helpful - it is vital that the number of triggers and stressful situations is pared back to an absolute minimum.

Kids with autism or other difficulties cannot cope to the same extent as other kids and cannot throw them at situations and they magically tolerate them and learn to cope.

They learn to cope by having a safe secure base to start from - then having incremental very small exposures over time.

Our kids behaviour is our guide. We push them too much they will clearly tell us. Your DD is clearly not coping now.

Will a child remember events from when they were 2 yrs old?
I left an abusive marriage when my child was 3.5. It remembers leaving, but not the events prior.

I do love and kiss her. Lots. It was just this morning after last night and this morning i just couldnt

Have you got school SENCOS? Speak to them. They need to refer you to CAMHS (I think it’s called). Call them now. You can get help. Could you also put her in the schools after school club so you get extra time at home? Most of the kids at our primary school go and parents pick up at about 5.30ish. It means she’s had her tea and hopefully energy worn out by the time she gets home. I’ve got neurotyoical “good” kids and those hours between 3.30 and bedtime are a fricking nightmare so I can imagine how hellish it is for you. Also look at putting your 3 year old in preschool a few morning or afternoons. You need time for yourself.

OP-Failing to kiss this morning was bad. You acknowledge that I know, but it is a major worry. Her behaviour is almost certainly linked to the trauma of her early years-she didn't choose to be in or remain in that situation. This is not her fault. Also, failing to reward good and affectionate behaviour is not good on any level.

You and she both need some proper help. Your GP might be the best first port of call.