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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

147 replies

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 09:59

Need to do a quick straw poll. Would you put cream on a 5 yo’s privates if they were at your house on a play date and had an “itchy bum”? (i.e. if they weren’t your child)
My dd came home from a play date saying this had happened and it doesn’t sit great with me. She knows the mum but the message I’m trying to get home at this age is that even adults you know should respect that your body is private. I’m not sure I would do this even with my 5yo nephew who I look after every week.
Don’t know whether to mention it to the mum. I really like her so it’s awkward.
Aibu to think it’s inappropriate?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 10:01

That is a really, really odd thing to do to someone else’s child. It’s totally inappropriate. You need to speak to them about this so it never happens again.

Did the mum say anything to you or did it just come from the daughter?

Lipperfromchipper · 04/12/2019 10:02

No...I would have given them the cream and instructed them through the closed bathroom door!! Sounds like she was possibly on automatic pilot? Does your dd go round there often??

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 10:03

No...I would have given them the cream and instructed them through the closed bathroom door!!

I don’t even think that’s appropriate. It wasn’t an emergency. The itchy bum could have been mentioned to the mum at the end of the play date for her to deal with.

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 10:03

No dd mentioned it last night after her bath when she was again complaining about itching (she’s always had this a little bit so it’s not new.) She said that X’s mum had put cream on them both because they were itchy and indicated where. The mum hadnt mentioned this at all. I did talk to dd about bodies and privacy again, but it’s stayed on my mind since last night. The more I think about it the weirder it seems.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 04/12/2019 10:04

I wouldn’t, no. Also, cream might not be the appropriate treatment. The child might well have worms and that’s a pill or liquid not a cream. The parent could now have infected themselves and all the family.

blackteasplease · 04/12/2019 10:04

After the bath is often when they feel the worms so I’d definitely check this out. Itching in the “front bottom” area can be caused by worms too.

TopOftheNaughtyList · 04/12/2019 10:07

No I most certainly wouldn't. If it seemed really bad I'd contact the child's parent and say they seem to have a bad itch and give them the option of having something applied or leaving it until the child is home. You should not be touching someone else's child intimately, whatever the reason. I would raise it with the other mum in non confrontational way and say you're trying to teach your child the pants rule etc and it would support your actions if she contacted you about any issues rather than deal with it herself. It's good that your child felt confident to tell you what happened.

raspberryk · 04/12/2019 10:07

It very much depends which child as I have in my circle a few close friends with 4 and 5 year olds who still need a bit of help wiping and I would probably put cream on if they were sore or whatever without so much of a thought and I know they would do the same. But we've been changing each others kids nappies/regularly looked after them from tiny babies so maybe that's why.
I'd probably have text the mum first before helping if it was another friend.

RonniePickering · 04/12/2019 10:07

😳 so unbelievably over the line, I also wouldn't apply it to my nieces or nephews, I'd be telling their parent.

TotalRecall · 04/12/2019 10:09

I would never ever ever do that to someone else’s child and would be seriously freaked out if someone did it to mine, and I would never send my kid there ever again. That is beyond inappropriate.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 04/12/2019 10:09

Surely you shouldn’t be putting creams down there at all unless directed to do so by a medical professional?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 10:09

No that's incredibly inappropriate!

Oysterbabe · 04/12/2019 10:10

Absolutely no way, completely inappropriate.
Time for a talk about privates being private. I talk to my 3 year old about this all the time.

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 10:13

As @raspberryk said with her circle, I’ve known the mum and dd’s friend since friend and dd were about 2. I have probably changed dd’s friend a couple of times when they were still in nappies - but now they are a long time toilet trained etc I can’t imagine doing anything like that with dd’s friend. All I can go by is how I feel about the situation and I jsut know I wouldn’t do this even though I’ve known the little girl a long time. I would worry about the message it sends out.

OP posts:
ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 04/12/2019 10:15

My DS is 3 and I'm potty training at the moment so people like his CM or someone looking after him would have had to change his bottom until very recently, so to me, in my current circumstances this would not be totally odd. However I think in 12 months time, if a school friends mum did this I wouldn't be happy about this at all. I think she should have mentioned it to you, and then you can decide if she needed cream. I don't think she should have done anything. It's a bit odd.

AlexaShutUp · 04/12/2019 10:16

No. I'm not one to overreact to stuff like this, but that is seriously inappropriate - your child is five and not a baby.

I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't feel comfortable sending my child to that house again.

Considermesometimes · 04/12/2019 10:17

There is no way on god's earth I would touch another child under any circumstances. I would call the mother, and explain that the child is uncomfortable and ask for her to be collected, so it can be addressed.

I think you need to phone her today, and talk about what happened, even so she knows this is never okay. I would not be sending my child back there put it that way. Maybe she did not mean to violate your child's privacy and break every rule in the book when it comes to looking after children, but she did nonetheless.

I would also taking your child to the doctor, it sounds like she has worms.

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 10:18

Thanks for the suggestions about worms. I had thoguht it might be a reaction to a new bubble bath I got her, as she has v sensitive skin, but I think worm treatment is the way to go.
I am definitely going to need to address this with the mum.

OP posts:
Considermesometimes · 04/12/2019 10:18

I am sure you have already done this, but use the incident to educate your child that this is never, ever okay.

Considermesometimes · 04/12/2019 10:19

Worms are quite common sadly!

Underhisi · 04/12/2019 10:19

It is inappropriate with a toilet trained child and even when the child isn't toilet trained and the person looking after them does change them ( not play date when 5 obviously) you would still check with the parents before putting any sort of cream on.

SupersonicGerm · 04/12/2019 10:24

sounds very worrying

PumpkinP · 04/12/2019 10:28

Err no!!!

Raphael34 · 04/12/2019 10:37

An adult rubbing cream onto a family friends child’s vagina could very well end them up on a sexual predators/pedofile list. Of course this isn’t appropriate! I didn’t even apply ointment onto my friends 8 year old child when she fell when I was looking after her, without first checking she didn’t mind/wasn’t allergic to the ointment I was using or anything!

Devereux1 · 04/12/2019 10:38

If the other mum did it to both kids, she probably felt it would be odd to only 'help' one child and not the other.