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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

147 replies

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 09:59

Need to do a quick straw poll. Would you put cream on a 5 yo’s privates if they were at your house on a play date and had an “itchy bum”? (i.e. if they weren’t your child)
My dd came home from a play date saying this had happened and it doesn’t sit great with me. She knows the mum but the message I’m trying to get home at this age is that even adults you know should respect that your body is private. I’m not sure I would do this even with my 5yo nephew who I look after every week.
Don’t know whether to mention it to the mum. I really like her so it’s awkward.
Aibu to think it’s inappropriate?

OP posts:
Cineraria · 04/12/2019 10:39

Not unless I'd received instructions from the child's parents to do so. Even then, if they are old enough to use the loo and wipe themselves etc. I'd think they were capable and prefer they applied it themselves. Apart from anything else, I'd be worried they might react to the product if the skin is already irritated.

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/12/2019 10:39

There's two issues here 1) would you medicate a child who was not your own 2) would you look at or touch the private parts of a child who was not your own.

I'd be very hesitant to apply any sort of medication to another person's child. You don't know what sort of allergies or contradictions they may have. Even handing her the cream and sending her to the bathroom is not on - she's a child, she cannot make the decision to apply herself.

On the privacy issue - there's been a change in views over the last 50 years from the idea that private parts aren't anything special in a pre-pubescent child (apart from to perverts) to the idea that private parts have to be treated as such long before puberty in order to give the child confidence to protect themselves or ask for protection. Surprising behaviour in a mother of young children who has presumably been brought up in the new perspective, but even so, I'd be going down the education route, telling her it wasn't acceptable even though well-meaning, rather than banning her from ever seeing my children again. I wouldn't regard it as "worrying" (ie indicative of a prurient interest), just unthinking, an accidental overstepping of boundaries.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 10:40

That's sort of what I was thinking

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 10:41

@Pumpkinspicewhatever might be worth checking her stools before worm treatment.
If she has sensitive skin your suggestion makes just as much sense.

Also to those saying to go to the GP, you can get treatment for worms from the pharmacy.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 10:41

(Sorry - that was to @Devereux1)

Apirateslifeforme · 04/12/2019 10:44

No way would most people think this is ok.
Not at all. But I can only imagine you and this mum must be quite close for her to have thought it was ok?
I'd want a conversation with her, and to say that because of the dangers out there, you're teaching DD that it's not ok for ANYONE to touch her there, no matter the reason. Hopefully she will understand.

Hoppinggreen · 04/12/2019 10:45

Definitely not ok
Apart from the inappropriate contact I would never give another child any medication without a parents consent unless it was an emergency.

Lovemusic33 · 04/12/2019 10:48

I wouldn’t, it’s something she could have prompted her to do herself (given her instructions) or something that could have waited until she got home.

I did once have to clean my friends daughter after she had the runs and had it all over her, but it wasn’t really something I could have left (or she would have got sore) and her mum wasn’t at home. I showered and sponged her off and gave her a change of clothes (she was 5 at the time).

Muddledfeelings · 04/12/2019 10:49

Devereux1 I see your point but she could have simply explained the reasons why she shouldn't and say "we'll tell mummy when she picks you up".

I wouldn't be happy with this. I'd probably message or ring her and say that you went to bath your DD and noticed some sort of cream on her? Give her the opportunity to explain and hopefully she'll apologise and realise how inappropriate it was.

Following this you can touch on that you're teaching DD about privacy etc.

StoneColdSaidSo · 04/12/2019 10:49

I would not be comfortable with this. No way I would be happy with another person putting cream on my dd's privates. Even my parents wouldn’t do this and she stays overnight at theirs all the time. Very inappropriate.

Beautiful3 · 04/12/2019 10:52

No I dont think this is okay. Think you should mention to this mum, that she shouldn't touch her private parts in future. A side note: My daughter has a very sensitive bum, and was always itching. For years we were told watch out for worms. We checked numerous times and she never had worms. I switched our andrex loo rolls for cheeky panda (bamboo) rolls, and she has stopped itching. It only starts up again when she has to use a different loo roll, when out visiting.

Apirateslifeforme · 04/12/2019 10:53

I imagine shes just a mum being "mum" without thinking of the boundaries shes over stepped. I just hope you can manage the conversation in a way that doesn't sound like an accusation of some sort (because I'm so foot in mouth I'd not be sure how to make it sound like anything but!)

But maybe the conversation will make her think about what her children's expectations are in that sense.
DD has always been told that no one is to touch her I'm her private areas. We had a neighbour who's child was a year older than DD. She came over for an afternoon and asked me to wipe her bum. I said no and took her to her mum to sort out, then we had a chat about it being a boundary issue. Where she came from she said it wasnt something they gave a second thought to.

Devereux1 · 04/12/2019 10:58

I think this is a bit sad, doesn't anyone else?

Here we have a mum trying to help her friend's child, and she's viewed so horribly. What kind of society have we become? Sad

Cohle · 04/12/2019 10:59

It's definitely very odd of the other mother but to be honest I also think it's odd to blithely send your child to sleepovers when suffering with worms.

They're highly infectious and not all that pleasant - I'd be a bit Hmm if a child turned up at my house with a obviously itchy bottom.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 11:00

@Cohle OP hasn't said her daughter has worms. OP thinks it's sensitivity to bubble bath and other posters have suggested worms. Stop being ridiculous.

RandomWok · 04/12/2019 11:02

@58Devereux1 I agree with you.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 11:03

I think it’s wrong to put any cream in a child without checking with the parent first. You don’t know what some kids will react too.

Putting it on a 5 yo is wrong. They can wait until they get home or call you if it’s urgent.

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 11:03

Here we have a mum trying to help her friend's child, and she's viewed so horribly. What kind of society have we become?

Using medicated cream on someone else’s child is wrong, especially in an intimate area. It was totally unnecessary. This is not a damning verdict on society. No one is saying the mum had dodgy intentions.

Cohle · 04/12/2019 11:06

@GiveHerHellFromUs OP has agreed that worm treatment "is the way to go". I don't think it's ridiculous to feel that sending your child to sleepovers with fairly obvious infectious conditions is a bit grim.

MotherOfDragonite · 04/12/2019 11:07

Lots wrong with this.

  1. No grown up should touch a child's genitals unless it's a parent or there's a medical reason (and parental supervision/approval)!
  1. What kind of cream was this? Not ok to use a random cream without checking with parents. She could have been allergic or it could have been contraindicated.
  1. She didn't inform you afterwards.

All kinds of wrong. Check out the NSPCC's books and YouTube videos, which you can use with your children to reinforce the 'underwear rule'! www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 11:08

@Cohle because posters have suggested it as an option.
It still might not be worms and even if it is, she could have caught them from the friend.
Not the end of the world is it?

I'm sure if OP thought her daughter had worms previously she'd have treated it.

wheretonow123 · 04/12/2019 11:10

I think or would hope that both mothers have each other's phone numbers for discussing just this type of scenario or any other that could occur during the visit.

Whitegrenache · 04/12/2019 11:11

@Devereux1 I'm with you

Incredibly sad - I have probably done the same with my friends children over the years and never given it a second thought. If they trust me to look after their children then it's appropriate to care for them in the same way you care for your own child and it seems like this was the case.
I have bathed children in my care before and the kids all have great fun too! Mums usually grateful as the kids are ready in pjs when they are collected

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 11:12

@Cohle what is your problem? When she went on the play date she didn’t have an itchy bum. As i mentioned before she has very sensitive skin and usually reacts to new toiletries or similar. I don’t have any hard evidence she has worms but I understand it is common in her age group and that treating our family won’t do any harm. Our cleaner has been today and changed bedding and cleaned properly so I will give dd the worms tablet this evening and see what happens. I don’t really know why you’re making this thread about me doing something wrong?

OP posts:
RonniePickering · 04/12/2019 11:15

Aside from being a bit weird Devereux1, my daughter had allergies at that age, I wouldn't have been happy with anyone administering cream to a sensitive area.