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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

147 replies

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 09:59

Need to do a quick straw poll. Would you put cream on a 5 yo’s privates if they were at your house on a play date and had an “itchy bum”? (i.e. if they weren’t your child)
My dd came home from a play date saying this had happened and it doesn’t sit great with me. She knows the mum but the message I’m trying to get home at this age is that even adults you know should respect that your body is private. I’m not sure I would do this even with my 5yo nephew who I look after every week.
Don’t know whether to mention it to the mum. I really like her so it’s awkward.
Aibu to think it’s inappropriate?

OP posts:
TreeFaerie · 04/12/2019 11:45

Also I didn't even realise it was abuse until adulthood as it was always under the guise of helping and she was never violent or anything.

xJodiex · 04/12/2019 11:46

No, I do not think that's correct doing that. It's odd that she didn't tell you she done it too. I don't think it really matters how long you've known her, it is not something I would do or allow.

katewhinesalot · 04/12/2019 11:46

When will you get a chance to have a word?

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/12/2019 11:46

Is the friend a doctor/nurse or in the medical profession?
Even so I have to say I am surprised and to be honest I would be uneasy to.
She should have done nothing and maybe spoken to you if she thought there was a problem.
I think maybe a conversation needs to be had.

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 11:47

Is the friend a doctor/nurse or in the medical profession?

They would be more likely to ask for the op’s consent before administering the cream,

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 11:50

No she isn’t in the medical profession. I am supposed to see her at the weekend at the friends birthday party but I think I might just send a text today to try and keep it a bit more casual and get the message across. I’m sure she will be apologetic etc. She’s from another culture and has always been a bit preoccupied with medical stuff - talks openly about her own issues “down there” as well as giving out “wisdom” such as girls should wear long coats to cover their bums and prevent a chill- stuff that seems a bit old fashioned and cod science but I kind of put it down to her cultural background. She’s a nice woman btw. Just in this case I’m not happy for her to cross that boundary with my dd, I’m sure she didn’t realise how odd it would seem.

OP posts:
snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 11:50

@PurpleDaisies

I didn't mean my DD - I probably should have written THE DD rather than My DD, but it was a what if it were me situation and those are the 2 things that I would think in that scenario.

My own DC were all very aware.

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 11:52

She’s from another culture and has always been a bit preoccupied with medical stuff - talks openly about her own issues “down there” as well as giving out “wisdom” such as girls should wear long coats to cover their bums and prevent a chill- stuff that seems a bit old fashioned and cod science but I kind of put it down to her cultural background.

This actually is huge in terms of red flag behaviour with regards to what @TreeFaerie said.

She’s a nice woman btw.

Not so sure now tbh

Lizzie0869 · 04/12/2019 11:55

I would be very uncomfortable about something like this. Not even my DH puts cream on our DDs' privates; if one of them tells him that she's sore down there he tells me and I apply the cream.

I would find it very triggering to be told that a schoolfriend's parent had done something like this, having been a victim of abuse as a child. It's therefore helpful to know that a majority on this thread find the friend's actions inappropriate and it's not a case of me overreacting.

I think the thing that would disturb me most in the OP's post would be that my friend hadn't told me about it.

Dustarr73 · 04/12/2019 11:58

I would send a text and say you noticed cream when you where bathing your dd.She can tell you and she wont feel like you are implying something.Then you can say it to her.

Devereux1 · 04/12/2019 11:58

I think the thing that would disturb me most in the OP's post would be that my friend hadn't told me about it.

If someone thinks she's just doing something perfectly natural, helping her friend's child, the child she has known for years and whose care her friend is perfectly happy to entrust her to, of course she's not going to mention it.

Because it's not a 'thing' to her at all. If it's unusual then you'd think about mentioning it. If it's perfectly natural to her, an act of kindness, of course she wouldn't give it a second thought, would she?

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 11:58

Not even my DH puts cream on our DDs' privates; if one of them tells him that she's sore down there he tells me and I apply the cream.

Is there any reason for that? Do you not trust him with his children?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 12:00

@Devereux1 do you not think she might have said "oh DD had an itchy bum earlier. I did put some cream on for her and she hasn't complained since but I though I'd let you know in case she has any more problems." The same as if she'd had a headache or poorly tummy?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 12:01

@Lizzie0869 I think the fact your DH won't do it for his daughter is sad. What if you were out for the night and she was uncomfortable? Would he just let her suffer?

Devereux1 · 04/12/2019 12:03

@GiveHerHellFromUs

Yes, she might have, you're quite right. And then she might not, because it's just a low-level practicality, something not even worth mentioning.

Tinkobell · 04/12/2019 12:03

Any attempt to text or contact you about the problem before applying the cream? I’d have asked any friend first before I did anything or laid a hand on them

christmassymcchristmas · 04/12/2019 12:08

Ok, was about to say that it's a bit sad that a friend can't try and help a 5 year old who's nappy she used to change with a bit of cream (pps who said anything about medicated cream? Calm down). I'd do it without a second thought with my friends girls and my niece who I've bathed etc their whole lives.

And then you came on with a massive drip feed about this woman being unusually preoccupied with vaginas, bums etc. There is no culture that has "must obsess over vagina" in its practices. In this circumstance I would keep my daughter away.

Also, the first thing I thought was worms. To the pp who suggested you get your DD to the GP right away HmmConfused. No wonder the NHS is on its arse. This is a pharmacy level issue.

HubeusRagrid · 04/12/2019 12:09

"Not even my DH puts cream on our DDs' privates; if one of them tells him that she's sore down there he tells me and I apply the cream."

This is very sad. I feel so sorry for men that they usually feel so uncomfortable around children for fear of being useless or a bloody predator. But to not feel comfortable enough to help your own child. That's just plain sad.

christmassymcchristmas · 04/12/2019 12:10

@Lizzie0869 really? I find that very very odd that he wouldn't help his daughter and that you agree with it

xJodiex · 04/12/2019 12:10

@TreeFaerie sorry this happened to you. It is more common than people imagine it would be. It happened to me too and that is why I say it is not correct that the woman touched the girl. No one would have imagined the woman who abused me would have done such things but she did.

Aridane · 04/12/2019 12:11

I find @Lizzie0869's post considerably more shocking than that ofmthenOP...

diddl · 04/12/2019 12:12

Well at the very least you need to know what was cream was used, Op.

I think that it was a very strange thing to do.

Not as if it couldn't have waited!

Tinkobell · 04/12/2019 12:12

Try if you can to get to the detail of how this mum put the cream on? Did your DD complain a lot beforehand? Did the mum insist or suggest applying cream? Could your dd have applied it herself? How long did it take to put the cream on, was it fast and business like? God forbid, did she take photos ? (Sorry)
If it sounds legit but inappropriate I’d text the mum and say thanks for doing this but please don’t do it again as we have a special prescription only and I prefer to apply it myself each night.

HubeusRagrid · 04/12/2019 12:13

Also. You are not being unreasonable OP. This is weird but I think it's just a case of cultural difference/ automatic mummy mode. But still, say kindly to your friend that in future could she not do this and instead let you know if your daughter is itching so you can deal with it. No advice on how/ the words though as you know your friend best. Good luck. X

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/12/2019 12:15

Where did she apply the cream - around the anus / vulva or just on the bum cheeks? The first is more inappropriate but the second I can see being ok if both girls were complaining and she didn't want your daughter to feel left out.

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