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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

147 replies

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 09:59

Need to do a quick straw poll. Would you put cream on a 5 yo’s privates if they were at your house on a play date and had an “itchy bum”? (i.e. if they weren’t your child)
My dd came home from a play date saying this had happened and it doesn’t sit great with me. She knows the mum but the message I’m trying to get home at this age is that even adults you know should respect that your body is private. I’m not sure I would do this even with my 5yo nephew who I look after every week.
Don’t know whether to mention it to the mum. I really like her so it’s awkward.
Aibu to think it’s inappropriate?

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 04/12/2019 16:36

My immediate reaction was no. Not appropriate. However I then remembered the little boy G who was my DS's best friend and who he did a nanny share with from the age of 6 months. They had had sleepovers at each other's houses from a very young age and I was like G's second mummy.

He once had a very big poo accident at my house and had attempted to clear it up himself covering the whole bathroom, his clothes and himself in poo. I did clear it up and clean him up giving him my DSs clothes to wear. I told his Mum when she came to pick him up and she was not in anyway concerned. But I had changed a few of his nappies in the past too so I was more like family.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 19:20

That’s a completely different scenario though @Bouledeneige and the 2 cannot be compared.

Cleaning a child up from a poo accident and telling their parent afterwards is fine.

Putting cream on a child’s genitals after they have told you that they’re itchy- not fine.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 19:22

Cleaning poo off a child can’t really wait- it’s uncomfortable, embarrassing and unhygienic for them.

Applying cream to an intimate area is not urgent enough to have to be dealt with right there and then. Any person with normal perception and boundary’s wouldn’t even consider giving the child something for it, never mind actually put it on the child themselves.

plumebaby · 04/12/2019 19:24

I think you need to look into this further. A stranger putting cream on could be an excuse for sexual abuse. You need to make sure nothing else happened. It’s not ok

Original poster

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 19:25

The mum did text me back really soon and was mortified. She said she’d completely forgotten to tell me about it. I’m ok to give her the benefit of the doubt but definitely will have another chat with dd (and I bought the worming stuff )

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 19:29

No, absolutely don’t give her the benefit of doubt.

Allowing your daughter back into this women’s care is basically teaching her that this is ok. It isn’t.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 19:29

Also sounds like she’s mortified you’ve found out rather than she’s mortified of what she did.

Straycatstrut · 04/12/2019 19:54

Absolutely no way would I touch another persons child in that way without consent.

namina · 04/12/2019 19:59

@Devereux1 THIS! I think the exact same thing .

Twolittlebears · 04/12/2019 20:02

@Apirateslifeforme you took a young child with poo on her bottom back to her Mum rather than help her wipe?

Puppytooth · 04/12/2019 20:04

Exactly Straycatstrut
If the woman’s actions were innocent she really needs to be more knowledgeable of the safeguarding of children, for her own sake as well as the childs.
Also Devereux1 I am still waiting for you to explain your heavily sarcastic comment in response to my mention of safeguarding??

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 21:44

@namina

Devereux1 THIS! I think the exact same thing

How can you think the same thing? Devereux1 comment made NO sense

Arthursblanket · 04/12/2019 23:10

I have toddlers and therefore toddler playmates, so obviously have to change nappies/ help with toileting/ bum wiping with playmates. I would absolutely not expect to get involved with a child of capable toileting and their privates unless they specifically asked for help.

We very much encourage being able to say no to anyone touching you if you don't want them to. So mine would probably have refused and run off (as they do to cuddles, if not in the mood)

Puppytooth · 05/12/2019 08:22

Snowybaubles - the fact that namina has put “this!” Without any reference to what “this!” Is doesn’t make any sense either

TrickyKid · 05/12/2019 08:25

Completely inappropriate and strange she didn't mention it to you.

Bluetoothbitch · 05/12/2019 08:29

Sorry pressed yabu when I meant no you’re not- very inappropriate behaviour

Devereux1 · 05/12/2019 08:30

The mum did text me back really soon and was mortified. She said she’d completely forgotten to tell me about it.nd

There. In all likelihood just a friend who was caring for your child, thought nothing of it and simply forgot to tell you. Not a terrifying ogre out to do harm.

Of course I'm not saying awful things happen.But it's vital we estimate risk in proporation, otherwise we're going to have awful relationships with each other. Glad all is ok.

Devereux1 · 05/12/2019 08:31

*I meant "don't happen".

Devereux1 · 05/12/2019 08:32

Puppytooth
Also Devereux1 I am still waiting for you to explain your heavily sarcastic comment in response to my mention of safeguarding??

Are you? Sorry, I was having a life to live, didn't realise you were waiting.
What part of it do you not understand and need explaining?

TheRightHonerable · 05/12/2019 08:41

It calms me a little that she did it to both kids (presumably together and at the same time) it’s still a bit odd but I find that reassuring in terms of unsavoury motives. Much more likely to have been on auto pilot and genuinely forgot.

Personally if a child was complaining of discomfort at my house I would try to help. However at 5 I wouldn’t be touching anyone’s privates (unless there had been a very serious accident or they were stuck in something- I have a DS 😂)

I’d have probably offered her a little bit of cream and said ‘just pop this where it’s itching darling and it should help’ - I don’t think that would be inappropriate or creepy. I wouldn’t watch her do it 🙈

Puppytooth · 05/12/2019 08:45

Devereux1 Ah back with the sarcasm. I’ll remind you:
“One must wonder how humans ever survive and thrived all over the world for thousands of years, without such safeguarding training.”

You are suggesting that my reference to being knowledgeable of the safeguarding of children is petty - I would like to know why you think the promotion of safeguarding awareness is such a trivial subject that you felt the need to post your pathetic put-down?

Devereux1 · 05/12/2019 08:54

Puppytooth Are you always this angry?

As indicated by the sad face I put at the end of my comment, which you seem to have ignored, it wasn't sarcasm, it was genuine sadness.

You said: There is so much I could say about safeguarding issues here but they’re bloody obvious - irrelevant if the Mum did it with good intentions, she does however need safeguarding training!

It was the rampant "obvious" comment, which you presume but isn't necessarily true. It's the irrelevant if the Mum did it with good intentions, when of course it's relevant, it's fundamental, this is a friend of the OP's and who she entrusts her daughter with. It's the arrogance and demanding tone of "she needs safeguarding training".

No she doesn't. She's a friend of the OP, she was looking after her daughter, she cared for her daughter. How incredibly OTT, arrogant - and angry - of you to state she needs safeguarding training, on which I presume you think she'll be told she not allowed to do what she did. Ridiculous.

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