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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

147 replies

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 09:59

Need to do a quick straw poll. Would you put cream on a 5 yo’s privates if they were at your house on a play date and had an “itchy bum”? (i.e. if they weren’t your child)
My dd came home from a play date saying this had happened and it doesn’t sit great with me. She knows the mum but the message I’m trying to get home at this age is that even adults you know should respect that your body is private. I’m not sure I would do this even with my 5yo nephew who I look after every week.
Don’t know whether to mention it to the mum. I really like her so it’s awkward.
Aibu to think it’s inappropriate?

OP posts:
7dayslater · 04/12/2019 11:17

It is inappropriate, and odd.

However I wouldn't be damning to the mother - she was probably just on autopilot mum mode. I'd definitely have a word with her though.

midnightmisssuki · 04/12/2019 11:19

If it was a close friend - I would have rung the mum and asked what she wanted me to to. Just an acquaintance - no way. I would however have told the mum her child was in discomfort.

Nessaofbarry · 04/12/2019 11:20

YANBU that is strange

millyv · 04/12/2019 11:21

@Devereux1 I agree with you, both children were complaining about the same thing and she treated both the same.

Could you imagine the reverse... my child went to a play date with a close friend (op says she's changed the other child's nappies in years gone by) and both children complained of the same symptoms but she only treated her child!

She put some cream on her bum, she has done what lots of mums would have done without a second thought! I'd be thankful to my friend who would help my dc in that instance! 🤯

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 11:23

Could you imagine the reverse... my child went to a play date with a close friend (op says she's changed the other child's nappies in years gone by) and both children complained of the same symptoms but she only treated her child!

That would have been totally fine. Especially given the nature of the treatment needed. The other mum didn’t even tell the op that she’d done this!

youcancallmequeenE · 04/12/2019 11:23

Agree with @Devereux1 too. Unless you're concerned that the mum has done anything other than provide care to a child under her supervision then I don't see what the fuss is about.

Cohle · 04/12/2019 11:25

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP and obviously if there were no previous symptoms then how were you to know.

My point is just that if a child showed up at my house with clear signs of an infectious condition I'd be a bit irritated with that child's parents. And I'd therefore take that into account when going on the front foot when dealing with the other parent's "inappropriate" behaviour. Presumably she feels you sent a worm infected child to her house without any warning and she was naturally concerned about your child infecting her, her child and the rest of her household.

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 11:26

Honestly I just think it’s a boundary issue that changes when they are no longer in nappies though? Yes I probably changed the friends nappy years back (I don’t really remember it but it’s not out of the question, I changed my nephews as well) but they are now 5 and in school and they’ve already had a safeguarding talk at school about the pants rule. When they begin to understand these messages, as well as the concept that even adults you know well should not violate your privacy, I don’t think that it’s “perfectly fine” to then go and put cream on a child’s intimate area.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 11:27

@Cohle why then would the mum not quickly text me (we often WhatsApp about the kids) or let me know on pickup that she suspected worms? If she was concerned as you say I’d expect her to tell me.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 04/12/2019 11:30

@Cohle but she hasn't treated OP's daughter for worms so your argument is just daft.

Cohle · 04/12/2019 11:30

There's no need to keep tagging me OP, I'm obviously on the thread.

I'm not saying the other parent's behaviour was without reproach, just that you might want to have an eye on how she may have perceived your behaviour.

MidnightMystery · 04/12/2019 11:31

It's inappropriate due to the fact no one called to ask if it was ok.

My son was at nursery and had a sore bottom but the nursery called me to ask if it was ok for them to apply nappy cream.

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 11:31

My “behaviour”.... right ok Hmm

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 04/12/2019 11:33

I think if you’ve known each other since your DC were babies / toddlers and each of you have changed nappies of the other’s DC in the past then she’s probably just treating it the same way she would have done that. Agree with previous poster that it’s a change in boundaries between nappy changing and help with toileting; “inappropriate” is an awkward word - I think she’s just failed to recognise that boundary change rather than doing something with nefarious intent.

She’s your friend, you’ve known her years. Just say “DD and I have recently been talking about private parts and who should be allowed to touch them and it’s important she knows that should only be her or a doctor with my permission first - so can you make sure if she complains of being itchy again you just tell me rather than apply cream? Thanks.”

FrenchJunebug · 04/12/2019 11:34

I would mention it to the mum but wouldn't be overly worried as you've known her for a long time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/12/2019 11:35

It’s tricky though. I’m not a parent but if a friend’s small child asked for e.g. help wiping I’m not sure I’d text first to check if it was okay to touch, I’d just do it.

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 11:36

This isn’t a child asking for help with wiping. This is a totally different situation.

Chlosavxox · 04/12/2019 11:38

I think it's more weird that she hasn't even mentioned it to you either Confused

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/12/2019 11:39

Both involves somebody else seeing and touching private parts though - so the “Pants” safety mantra taught to kids should still apply. Am just saying it wouldn’t occur to me to ask a parent first; now it possibly will.

sebashocked · 04/12/2019 11:39

Honestly can't see much of a problem. Knowing how big a deal of things like itchy bums a 5 year old can make, a quick dab of sudocrem/nappy cream administered by another mum wouldn't bother me in the slightest but then I've had to help a few 4 and 5 year olds clean themselves on play dates in the last year.

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 11:41

Both involves somebody else seeing and touching private parts though

One is led by the child, the other is led by the adult.

mummyway · 04/12/2019 11:41

Why didn't the other mum ask you before doing. That crossed a line, doing it without checking with you.

snowybaubles · 04/12/2019 11:41

My concern here would be

  1. Is the cream appropriate? Using the 'wrong' thing can hinder not help.
  1. My DD isn't aware she can say no to another adult touching her.
PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 11:42

My DD isn't aware she can say no to another adult touching her.

Is there a reason for that?

TreeFaerie · 04/12/2019 11:42

Have name changed for obvious reasons.

I was sexually abused as a child by a friends mum.

Women can be sex abusers.

I knew her since birth, my mums best friend.
It was much the same situation. Started as helping me in the toilet. Getting washed etc

And yes, application of sudocrwm.

This is very hard to write but please don't dismiss it completely as her trying to be helpful just because she is a woman

I don't know what to suggest.

I never told anyone what happened to me. She died young of cancer so I never felt there was a time I could bring it out in the open.