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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this inappropriate?

147 replies

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 09:59

Need to do a quick straw poll. Would you put cream on a 5 yo’s privates if they were at your house on a play date and had an “itchy bum”? (i.e. if they weren’t your child)
My dd came home from a play date saying this had happened and it doesn’t sit great with me. She knows the mum but the message I’m trying to get home at this age is that even adults you know should respect that your body is private. I’m not sure I would do this even with my 5yo nephew who I look after every week.
Don’t know whether to mention it to the mum. I really like her so it’s awkward.
Aibu to think it’s inappropriate?

OP posts:
HarrietTheFly · 04/12/2019 12:17

I think if the child was old enough I'd give them the cream and ask them to do it by themselves. I'm guessing it was something like sudocream maybe. I probably would have called or texted the parents if I had to apply it myself to ask them if it was ok.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing it myself... But at the same time I can imagine my mum's best friend when I was a child putting cream on me without a second thought because all the privacy stuff wasn't really taught then. At least not in my house. Also if the mum was putting cream on her child it may have been partly auto pilot mode, partly not wanting to treat them differently if both said they needed cream or were itchy.

RonniePickering · 04/12/2019 12:22

I find @Lizzie0869's post considerably more shocking than that ofmthenOP...

Me too. Very sad.

EerieSilence · 04/12/2019 12:25

I once had my DD's friend for a playdate and both were soaked wet and cold so I chased them both to take a shower and change. Didn't touch her at all only gave dry clothes and even then I thought about whether it was right but hey, better that then her catching a cold. They were 7.
Would never touch their privates, wow, that's a no go area.

titnomatani · 04/12/2019 12:31

Bloody hell, unless it was a baby in my care with nappy rash or something, I wouldn't even dream of touching another child's genitals. Please be assertive about this OP and raise it with the mum.

StoppinBy · 04/12/2019 12:32

For my friends kids I would wipe their bums if they asked for help (while feeling very uncomfortable lol) but no way would I apply cream.

Best if you message or call and ask her what was put on there and suggest it's not really something you are comfortable with I think.

FNUSNU · 04/12/2019 12:37

Before treating for worms etc, perhaps get your DD checked by a Dr as you don't know what it is and it could be a variety of things. The woman probably though she was acting in the best interests, however I would at least have expected a phone call first to inform you of the issue and seek further guidance.

Molly2010 · 04/12/2019 12:41

Just to support @Lizzie0869 it’s the same in our house. This is because DH has a family member who had a malicious allegation made against them. Long story but because of the emotional impact on the whole family he won’t do anything like this either. It’s our family’s personal choice.
OP YANBU. The parent should have contacted you to ask permission if they felt it was necessary. Have they had the pants talk at school yet? If not I’d show her the u tube video and reinforce she can say no etc.

HolyheadBound · 04/12/2019 12:42

For my friends kids I would wipe their bums if they asked for help (while feeling very uncomfortable lol) but no way would I apply cream.

^^this

With the added dimension that I would most certainly tell the other mum about it. The fact that she didn't mention it adds to the weirdness.

AtomicRabbit · 04/12/2019 12:50

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 13:04

Oh my goodness. If a child told me their bum was itchy (including my own) I would give them a baby wipe and ask them to and wipe themselves and wash their hands afterwards.

I wouldn’t even put cream on my own child for this unless they were complaining for more than a couple of days about it.

I honestly think you should raise this with the other parent. What on earth made them think this was ok?

Muddledfeelings · 04/12/2019 13:04

To those saying they feel sad at the situation and that it was just a mum doing a mum thing.. would you feel the same if it was a dad friend, or an uncle etc.? Would you think it inappropriate then?

Jellybeansincognito · 04/12/2019 13:04

Also if it was genuinely innocent why wouldn’t she say to you- oh x said they were really itchy down below so I did apply a bit of cream to them.

Blatherskite · 04/12/2019 13:12

"An adult rubbing cream onto a family friends child’s vagina could very well end them up on a sexual predators/pedofile list."

This is where correct terminology can make a situation entirely different. To apply cream to a vagina, the adult would have to insert fingers into the child and that would definitely be abuse! The vagina is inside.

The vulva is the bit outside and could be much more easily a genuine mistake on judging boundaries rather than actual abuse.

Personally, I would not have applied cream. I'd have suggested we tell Mummy at pick up, then supplied a wipe if the child seemed too distressed to wait. Presumably the friend knows your child has sensitive skin so I'd have not thought applying a cream would be a good idea at all as it could make the situation much worse.

FamilyOfAliens · 04/12/2019 13:27

I'd probably message or ring her and say that you went to bath your DD and noticed some sort of cream on her?

But that’s not what happened, so why would the OP say this? Why not just tell the truth (which is that her DD told her it happened)?

Lizzie0869 · 04/12/2019 13:38

My DSis feels the same way as I do, she doesn't feel comfortable with her DH applying cream to her DCs' privates. It's not that we don't trust them, it simply that it's triggering for us. It's because one of our abusers was our F.

Muddledfeelings · 04/12/2019 14:01

FamilyOfAliens well of course it would be better to tell the truth but I assumed OP wasn't sure how she should approach this as she hasn't actually spoken to her yet and wanted to offer an alternative.

Puppytooth · 04/12/2019 14:22

Bloody Hell of course it should be mentioned to the Mum! There is so much I could say about safeguarding issues here but they’re bloody obvious - irrelevant if the Mum did it with good intentions, she does however need safeguarding training!

Devereux1 · 04/12/2019 14:23

irrelevant if the Mum did it with good intentions, she does however need safeguarding training!

One must wonder how humans ever survive and thrived all over the world for thousands of years, without such safeguarding training. Sad

Puppytooth · 04/12/2019 14:24

Devereux1 you what???

Puppytooth · 04/12/2019 14:25

Do you actually know what safeguarding is you ignorant individual??

CoastalWave · 04/12/2019 14:28

Jesus. NO. NOT OK in the slightest!!

I'd be absolutely FUMING. Not an understatement. You need to ring her and out her outright, did you put cream on DD's privates? When she says yes, you say why the hell did you not ask first or tell me afterwards?

My DD wouldn't be going to that house again that's for sure.

lily2403 · 04/12/2019 14:29

I would have given you a quick call and asked if i can give your child cream to put on themselves at 5 surely they can do this alone

MonstranceClock · 04/12/2019 14:39

Wouldn’t have bothered me.

Birdshitbridgegotme · 04/12/2019 14:42

Not appropriate at all. I'm not trying to scare you but I heard of someone who had been sexually abused as a kid and that was what the grown up had said they were doing!
Not saying that's what happened here but why she felt that was normal to do I dont know.

Original poster
Pumpkinspicewhatever · 04/12/2019 16:25

I have texted the mum asking what the issue was that dd needed cream, what cream did she use, and that because dd is older now I get her to put cream on herself.
Thanks for all the help, and I’m really sorry if this thread was triggering for anyone.

OP posts:
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