To feel awful I’ve broken my kids heart?!

[TotalRecall]

The good old Santa debate.

I love the magic of Santa. I loved it when I was a child. My kids love it. My youngest especially REALLY loves Santa. He writes letters, talks to the Elves, regales me with stories about all the times he “heard Santa filling his stocking and pretended to be asleep” 😂 I could go on..

I have no recollection of being traumatised when I found out Santa wasn’t real. My eldest wasn’t traumatised in the slightest, and even joined in on making it magical for her brother etc.

So, 10 year old came into my room this morning and flat out asked me if Santa is real, because all his friends had told him it’s your parents, blah blah. He asked me to just tell him the truth please... so I did. He’s 10, I kinda assumed he really knew deep down, and he’s at an age where I don’t really want him to be made fun of for believing.

He was GUTTED. Like honestly gutted. Was really angry at me for lying to him, asked about the 27492025 incidences over the years where he had written letters or left milk and cookies or left things for the elves to take to Santa.. etc etc
He was actually devastated.

I feel awful! I don’t know any child who has had such a strong reaction to being told the truth so never really imagined that he would. I actually feel like I’ve ruined his childhood by doing the whole Santa thing in the first place!

Should I have told him the truth years ago?!
I guess on the bright side he said I don’t have to do stockings anymore...

If he's 10 I'd have thought he'd be old enough to understand how you want to keep the magic and excitement for young children - just as you did for him. Would he have preferred never to have had it?

And by 10 TBH I'd have thought he'd have strong suspicions anyway. Seems a bit of an extreme reaction! But he'll get over it.
I'd be telling him he'll still be getting a stocking anyway - and woe betide him if he tries to spoil the magic for younger ones.

My dd said straight out when she was (IIRC) coming up to 9 that she knew Santa was me and daddy so I might as well admit it.

So I did, and she accepted it calmly. But years later, when she was in her 20s, she said she'd been dying for me to deny it, so she could go on believing just a bit longer!

@Omashu wow what a bore!

Everyone in our house gets a stocking, an actual stocking not a sack.
I'd definitely stop the sack and not sure I'd introduce a stocking now though.

@Horehound I think you lack imagination and therefore need Santa. @Omashu doesn’t sound a bore at all.

It's interesting to read that a lot of children carry on believing until they're 10. My DD is 7 and started questioning Santa's existence just after last Christmas when she was still 6, letting us know in a roundabout way she didn't think he was real. However, now it's coming up to Christmas, she's believing again as hard as she can. Hedging her bets no doubt and covering all bases

My dd was 11/12yo and I had to tell her, she was also upset because she wanted it to be real. She is undergoing ASD assessments and is young for age though.

Now she understands it she is keen to help keep the tradition alive for younger relatives.

We've always done a stocking at the end of the bed to open Christmas morning and main presents from family under the tree to open later on. I like doing a stocking so will keep doing it.

I'm facing this right now OP. My son (9 nearly 10) asked me this week whether the Easter Bunny was real, as if testing the water. I gently explained and then last night he announced that he believed in Santa and the elves still unless it's ACTUALLY YOU MUMMY. I said "There's lots of magic at Christmas isn't there?" And he didn't press the issue, so neither did I. If he asks me directly I will tell him that the idea of Santa is real, but we are all a little Santa every time we give to someone else.

@Perisoire you got it the wrong way round. I have imagination to be able to make Christmas magical. Omashu just can't be arsed because her parents were crap at it...
A kid may be upset briefly but it's hardly something that ruins their lives and a reason not to do it because they might be upset for five minutes. When they realise they still get the same presents its fine..

I remember finding out and being absolutely gutted, I think it just felt like leaving part of your childhood behind. My mum was kind of no nonsense about it so just flat out asked us if we believed when I was about 6/7. Before being asked I did believe but the fact of asking the question kind of made me realise so I answered "no". I was really upset about it and wished my mum could have left me believing for a bit longer.

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever I love your post. What an amazing family, I hope things are a bit easier for you this christmas. You summed up the true meaning of christmas beautifully and sound like a wonderful mum.

I also don't think how long you believe is often down to how savvy you are as a child it's much more down to how much you want to believe and how capable you are of maintaining that level of imagination.

I’ve never told my children Santa isn’t real, the eldest is 20! I always just said of course he’s real and if you don’t believe he won’t come, remember polar express. They know in their own time, they were all different ages, they hear things from friends but no need to break the dream.

No you have confirmed definitely don’t stop anything especially stockings. I use this felt type stockings, like the size of a stocking shaped selection box and bigger presents in a huge gift bag under the tree.

I’m in my 5o’s and still get a ‘stocking’ in the form of a small gift bag full off little presents from my mum, as does my sister. Why stop, you are never too old for a stocking.

It's such a breach of trust, it's humiliating and embarrassing when you find out, and it can genuinely lead to ongoing issues in family relationships.

OMFG people need to take a chill pill

Yes it's disappointing to realise magic is not real and that wishes don't always come true because there's no one to listen to them,
the tooth fairy, Santa, the Easter bunny for the very little ones - that one doesn't seem to last very long

but

Of course we lie to our kids, and we should, that's our job. We lie about the big things, we lie about little things. We lie to protect them, to give them a proper childhood and to bring them a bit of magic.

Kids don't need to know grandad is having tests to see the extend of his cancer - they'll know more than soon enough if needed, they don't need to know mum and dad disagree and have a massive row about their education, they don't need to know their parents had a rowdy student life, the list is endless.

Giving kids a little magic when they are young is not a bad thing, and will never be, even if they have to grow up eventually.

I think you need to prepare them when they are going to secondary, and yes, it would be embarrassing to find out when you are 15, but not when they are still little.

@Caledoniahasmyheartforever -your post was truly lovely.

If he's 10, it's a very good thing that you've told him. Imagine the ridicule he'd receive at secondary school if he still believed in Santa Claus.

He'll get over it.

I hope to keep the traditions of stockings and sneaking out the presents at night going for as long as possible! I love it! I was the eldest in my family and found out when I was 10. I do remember that Christmas as quite a let down, but for Christmases after that I just pretended and entered into the spirit. My youngest sibling was told at 11 when I was 15. She still totally believed and was outraged. She then said that I had had until I was 15 getting to receive Santa presents and play pretend without anyone breaking the magic, so it was only fair that everyone did the same for her until she was 15. So my mum and dad did stockings for a long time!

We still do stockings for everybody and only the 3yo actually believes - it's part of Christmas.. same goes for the Easter bunny hiding eggs - he's the only one who thinks the bunny actually has something to do with it doesn't stop the rest of us enjoying the ritual.

we have never addressed it with our teen dd and we just carried on an usual each year. She never asked outright, though she did ask if the Easter Bunny was real (which was funny as we never did the Easter Bunny until she was well into primary school and they were talking about it there. Neither DH nor I grew up with that tradition)

But she's never asked about Santa. We hang stockings on the fireplace. Her's is the one she's had since she was a baby and is a large decorated felt stocking and it holds bloody loads (rookie mistake right there ) In recent years we have filled smaller knitted stockings for myself and dh and she has loved that. This year we have my parents and think I'll do a small one for them too.

Her other presents are left in front of the fireplace, not wrapped but arranged for maximum 'display' effect. It always looks great and so exciting.

All other wrapped presents go under the tree which is in another room.

Even though she is a cynical teen, her face is a joy when she sees her sticking and presents. I love it

She wrote a list this year with a few things on it including airpods - very expensive. She must have been talking about it in school and realised that her list had more things on it than her friends had asked for so she amended it and crossed off everything apart from the earphones, a t-shirt and a face mask. I said nothing except that she would have to wait to see what santa brings and I hoped she'd been good all year ( the same as I say every year since she was tiny) So she thinks / hopes she's getting those 3 things but I have managed to get a few of the other bits and pieces from her list too which she will not be expecting.

Life is HARD a lot of the time and I 100% believe in keeping the magic going as long as possible - why on earth not!

I grew up in Ireland and Santy is a HUGE thing there and I have absolutely wonderful memories of those christmases and and so grateful to my parents for all that they did even in lean times and it was always my intention to replicate that as much as I could.

My younger brother was exactly the same OP. Sobbed and sobbed.
He's fine though now (he's 38!🤣)
On the stockings/sack debate, we have always done pillowcases, same as I did at my house. No stocking as such. And then presents under tree from us to the kids.
But the FC presents which go in the pillowcase are quite structured; one mAin present, one smaller present, an annual and a selection box.
My DD is 10 next week. She still believes I think, but I reckon this will be her last year.
We have a 6 year old DS though so hoping she'll keep the magic alive for him.

I remember once Christmas, I must have been about 12 or 13. I stayed up until about 6am watching out of the window because I totally believed that at any moment I was going to see Father Christmas zoom past on his sleigh

I had been told the 'truth' some years before by my siblings, but refused to believe it and had convinced myself he was real and everyone was lying!

When you think about it the 'lie' of Santa is actually quite damaging!

We do stockings from Santa with small toys, sweets, an orange etc and bigger gifts are from us or grandma.

My parents and I did stockings until I moved to another country when I was over 30! We just enjoyed buying little things for each other and filling a stocking.
I didn't find out Santa wasn't real until I was 13 when a great aunty blabbed on the phone. I can remember being totally shocked as I had no idea! I probably sub consciously did but consciously I really believed. Once she blabbed all my little doubts made sense!

I miss being able to fill a stocking for my parents and with no children of my own it won't be happening again.

Aw for God sake, it's not damaging and anyone who is damaged by the "lie" of santa, would have to be a complete snowflake (and I generally never use that word).
I would tell him to stop being such a drama llama and get over it.

I was genuinely hurt when I found out at 10 that Santa wasn't real, and as a result I never lied to my children about Santa. They still think Christmas is magical and I always say Santa is something you can believe in if you want to, but it's not physically real. I couldn't justify tricking them, and honestly it's never been an issue, they love Xmas