To feel awful I’ve broken my kids heart?!

[TotalRecall]

The good old Santa debate.

I love the magic of Santa. I loved it when I was a child. My kids love it. My youngest especially REALLY loves Santa. He writes letters, talks to the Elves, regales me with stories about all the times he “heard Santa filling his stocking and pretended to be asleep” 😂 I could go on..

I have no recollection of being traumatised when I found out Santa wasn’t real. My eldest wasn’t traumatised in the slightest, and even joined in on making it magical for her brother etc.

So, 10 year old came into my room this morning and flat out asked me if Santa is real, because all his friends had told him it’s your parents, blah blah. He asked me to just tell him the truth please... so I did. He’s 10, I kinda assumed he really knew deep down, and he’s at an age where I don’t really want him to be made fun of for believing.

He was GUTTED. Like honestly gutted. Was really angry at me for lying to him, asked about the 27492025 incidences over the years where he had written letters or left milk and cookies or left things for the elves to take to Santa.. etc etc
He was actually devastated.

I feel awful! I don’t know any child who has had such a strong reaction to being told the truth so never really imagined that he would. I actually feel like I’ve ruined his childhood by doing the whole Santa thing in the first place!

Should I have told him the truth years ago?!
I guess on the bright side he said I don’t have to do stockings anymore...

He will get over it and it is one of those milestones for many children although as you say "he wanted" it to be true.

My mum always told me it was make believe because "I dont believe in lying to children" and her mum before her! So I never believed, though I did enjoy Christmas v much as a small child.

With my own children, I did not tell them it wasnt true, but I let them make up their own minds ... in fact my children were v frightened about the thought of a Father Christmas coming into the house and so we had to say the presents were delivered to Grandpa/Grandma to save time.

From a very young age despite not being told, they they wouldnt and didnt believe but had friends who did. A good friends mum and I had a discussion about it when they were bout 7 and we explained to son to say he "Nobody knows for sure" to little best friend an ardent.
believer. However, Grandma became a hero to them for being a person who told the truth even though not the popular thing!

You can still do stockings! No need for that magic to go.

(I still get one and a card from Santa. I’m early 30s - hehe)

Caledoniahasmyheartforever - Your post had me in tears, so beautiful!!

I still keep it going and my kids are 20 and 14. They love it. You make your choices and you value truth over mystery and magic.

So much over-thinking here.

My Dad still tells me that Father Christmas is real, and I'm nearly 50. It's very sweet. FC still gives me a little Christmas present.

Should I go all earnest and tell him to stop lying to me even though he isn't, because FC is real ?

I am keeping up the FC tradition with my own teenagers/older ones. It's all a bit of fun.

It's also possible to treat The Truth lightly with younger children who ask questions. No need to agonise about it all.

I never had a stocking ,but I still do them ,and my kids are adults now .we didn’t really push the whole Santa thing in our house ,apart from leaving him a mince pie ,and saying he filled the stockings that was it ,so it was easier to just make less fuss about Santa as kids get older .never had to say he doesn’t exist to any of mine ,I still wink and say behave or no stocking to my adult kids ...I get a smirk and a okayyy mum .
Op he will get over it ,just do everything the same ,it’s the routine and ritual of they like x

Our stockings are pillow cases at the end of the bed, presents under the tree are from parent s. My Dd (8) asked me outright this year so knows, but she wants to carry on believing so that's fine! We got stockings until we left home ( but they morphed into small gift bags left by the fireplace as we got older!)

He's a metaphor for the good in humans, the giving without receiving, an integral love for others.
We need a vomit emoticon
Father Christmas is for little children. You shouldn't have let him believe so long. He is embarrassed because you have let him make a tit of himself

Mine both believed until they went to high school. I have never told mine even when asked, I’ve always responded with “those who don’t believe dont get presents”

I still use the same mantra and they are 25 and 22.

I actually DID tell him about Saint Nicholas, in hopes of softening the blow.

It was met with “So Santa’s DEAD?!”

I don't believe he truly believed.

Why not? His parents who he trusts told him. Not having a pop at OP, it's hardly unusual! My brother told me he didn't exist when I was 6 and I refused point blank to believe him but my mum somewhat exasperatedly told me and that was that. But humans are a superstitious species. Billions believe there is a god so it's not really surprising that 10-year old children will still believe in Santa.

With my DD, when she asked, I laughed and said that it was something that I would never confirm or deny. She knew the truth.

What about starting a new tradition? So instead of sack sized stockings get each of them a smaller sock type stocking filled with small treats and leave it outside their bedroom doors as a surprise? Then the regular presents under the tree (but maybe also put there after they go to bed)?

Part of the magic is the surprise and being treated by a caring figure, so waking up to a little stocking can still be lovely and exciting. And perhaps in future years he may want to join in and leave you a stocking.

They don't have to be asleep then for you to put the stockings out and you can move away from feeling like you need to fill a whole sack each year regardless of resources.

I posted about my DS having a similar experience last month. He was sad for a couple of days and I felt terrible like he would never trust me again. I think it is linked to a development stage and was about more than Santa.

He has got over it op although I think he still misses the magic of believing a little bit. We talked about lots of made up things that it's fun to believe in and about things which are amazing but not made up... Space etc. I was relieved when he had had enough talking!

At the time it really helped him to know we'd still do Christmas in exactly the same way and I told him how much I loved the excitement of the sneaking around and surprise stocking and presents in the morning. That even as the adult doing it out was a lot of fun.

He might care less in the future but it seemed really important this year to know what would happen, that things would be the same - and that no Santa didn't mean the end of Christmas fun.

Stockings are still important. My kids are 14-18 and the youngest told me he stopped believing two years before I thought he had but no way will there not be stockings !

Your boy will be fine. He has a mum who really cares.

Don't diminish Christmas traditions just because he now believes there is no Santa.

What I don't understand is why children have to actually believe Santa is real for there to be 'magic'.

We have always done it in the more or less tacit understanding that it is a lovely story, a ritual, a tradition. We've never gone to elaborate lengths to keep up the pretence nor had to have this kind of conversation. My dc have always found Christmas lovely and exciting - but have possibly been less hyped up and overwrought over it than if we had gone full 'Santa ideology'.

We live in Germany and while we do British Christmas (i.e. 25th), the dc's peers obviously have presents on the afternoon/evening of the 24th and while some families do a whole 'tree reveal' thing which involves some elements of Santa/the Christ child coming and leaving the presents under the tree, or book students to come on Christmas Eve afternoon dressed up as Santa, there doesn't seem to be this intense investment in children having to believe these figures are actually real. I suspect most don't. Can't see lots of German children having dour unmagical Christmases.

OP, my son was nearly 11yo, and it was Easter. We were going away for a few days and he was most anxious that the bloody bunny might not know where we had gone, and he wouldn't get eggs.
I genuinely never for a moment thought he actually thought a massive bunny came and left chocolate in our garden, so I winked and said I'll leave them out its fine.
3 Seconds...as across his wee face flashed bunny/Santa/tooth fairy, and then he dissolved in to tears.
I couldn't believe that he still believed, but there you go.

Santa is real!

He's a metaphor for the good in humans, the giving without receiving, an integral love for others. Maybe this could help soften the blow? Magic does exist - just in far more believable ways than a dude on a flying sleigh...

This! Santa is absolutely really - he just isn't a fat jolly man in a red suit.

When I was little, it was more that it gradually dawned on me (when I was about 7) that Father Christmas couldn't be real, because he wouldn't have enough time to deliver presents to everyone. It was painless. I didn't tell my parents I had worked it out (plus I had a younger sister not to disappoint). I would advocate the approach of letting them work it out for themselves, and it might well be that OP's son had worked it out for himself, deep down, by the age of 10 even if he didn't want to admit it to himself.

@ohwheniknow I actually think that is what I will do!

@EleanorLavish oh the poor wee lad!

Oh OP, you poor thing! That's a reaction you couldn't have predicted... I remember being a bit disappointed to find out but not entirely surprised and I was only 6 or 7 (my older brother told me, cheers Andy).
He'll be fine, it's just a shock. He sounds very sweet.
Def still do stockings, getting a giant novelty sock full of goodies first thing in the morning on xmas day is magical whether you believe a beardy old man came down your chimney to fill it or your mum did.
Try not to feel bad, there's nothing else you could have done. Just bad luck that he was so disappointed really!

We told our dc around the age of ten also, so they didn’t look silly in senior school. Mine were a bit surprised also.

They’re in late teens now, and I still do a stocking. I th8bk I enjoy doing it, as much as they (pretend?) in opening the presents.

Do you have any other younger children? If so, carry on as normal.

I still use the same stockings they had as kids.

He'll get over it, besides there's still the magic of opening all of the gifts.

I'm no Cruella, but my kids always knew me as "Santa".

For us, Santa does a stocking and parent/relatives bring the main presents.

We have always done it in the more or less tacit understanding that it is a lovely story, a ritual, a tradition.

@CatteStreet that seems more sensible to me and still lovely. I would have been up for that but friends and family with children were really annoyed when I considered it when DS1 was little so it was easier to go along with the Santa thing.