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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Replying to a wedding invitation - tricky

305 replies

HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 21:23

We've been invited to a wedding in the spring which is about 3.5hrs from home. We know the groom well (one of my DH's oldest, closest friends) but have only met the bride once although they've been together for a few years. They are having a child-free wedding in a beautiful location but DH doesn't drive and it's not somewhere easy to reach by public transport.

We have two children - DD is a few months old and was premature. Our 5yo is autistic and has had a tough time recently because I've also been unwell. DD is healthy now and my parents have offered to babysit them both, but I'm not prepared to be so far from her, or for us both to be away from our DS overnight. Doing the drive there and back in a day wouldn't usually feel like a stretch for me but I haven't driven more than 2 hrs in any one day for almost a year, because I've been ill.

WWBU to say to them that our only options are :

(1) to decline outright; or

(2) to come for the ceremony only, with the baby in tow, acknowledging that they would be making an exception to the child-free rule for her, and head for home after it?

I don't quite know how to say that without sounding churlish - it's hard to know how it will be received as we haven't seen the groom as much as we once did and don't really know the bride although she seemed lovely when we met her. My DM thinks that as they know our (currently fairly unusual) circumstances they will understand. If it was a child-inclusive wedding we'd be there and very happily, but being away from the DC right now just isn't something I can do.

I'm not sure how best to have the discussion. None of this is made better by us RSVPing late because things have been so chaotic with us and because we kept hoping a perfect solution would appear, which it plainly hasn't.

OP posts:
MrsFezziwig · 03/12/2019 22:44

We think he's going to call the groom in the morning, send my apologies and sort out the room bookings. I'll phone my parents and see if I can book them in as reinforcements to help me while he's away, but I'll manage if they can't.

OP you sound considerably more sensible than a lot of people on this thread (my prize for total idiocy goes to the PP who said that in her opinion weddings were not child free during the day - so that’s ok then Confused).
The most important considerations are:

  • if they have decided the wedding is child free, then don’t try to get into a discussion about it
  • let them know immediately your decision. Weddings are enough of a faff without people failing to reply in time.
You seem to have both these covered so get your parents to give you a hand and relax while DH is trekking round the countryside Grin
RainbowMum11 · 03/12/2019 22:45

It sounds like quite a lot of you live in/near a city or big town with lots of transport & accommodation options!
It is more than feasible that the wedding is in the Countryside well away from anything else (most wedding venues round here are anyway!), plus OP may well not live in/near a city or big town hence the public transport issues both ways - I live pretty centrally, but to get pretty much anywhere that isn't a big city by train takes hours and is not at all cheap.

badguyduh · 03/12/2019 22:46

Your husband sounds unbelievably wet

What a load of shite.
There are plenty of reasons people can't drive a manual car, and you've simply made up the bit about him not bothering to contact other guests because the OP hasn't said that.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 03/12/2019 22:46

My last post above was a comment to all the people on the thread who say that child free weddings are an abomination. It was not meant to be a criticism of you, OP, as I can fully understand why you don’t want to leave yours.

andthentherewere · 03/12/2019 22:49

It is indeed a very strange 'club' to be in. It definitely takes time and it's great to hear you are seeking some support. I was given the opportunity to go back and look around the ITU and it actually felt very much less intimidating than I remembered. Maybe something to think about for the future. Feel free to PM me if you ever want a chat. Smile

vdbfamily · 03/12/2019 22:50

why not hire a car that fits all 6 of you. You and your parents can share the driving. A cheap air BnB nearby and you are all sorted.

titchy · 03/12/2019 22:51

Use splitfare.com to get the cheapest train tickets. Look for nearby smaller stations rather than big mainline ones. And check times! 8.30am will be far more than the 9.30 for example. FWIW I've got first class returns to London from 2.5 hours away over Christmas for family for £80 return pp.

Stay in premier inn the night before. Stay at venue the night of the wedding.

PineappleDanish · 03/12/2019 22:51

Give DH driving lessons for Christmas.

Oldbutstillgotit · 03/12/2019 22:53

@ Hopingtobeamum that is so cheeky of the guests ! Have you replied emphasising that you are having a child free wedding ? A 9 month is hardly a babe in arms !

justilou1 · 03/12/2019 22:54

I would skip it. It’s far too expensive for someone else’s wedding. This is why I loathe “destination” weddings of any kind. Even local weddings cost too much!!!

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 03/12/2019 22:54

I'd reply to say that you have to decline, you'd love to be with them on their day but a childfree wedding is too difficult for you.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:54

"Feel free to PM me if you ever want a chat"

I might do that, Andthentherewere. You're very kind. I don't want to retraumatise you though! x

Armadillo, you've made me smile. In one post you invent a few facts and go for my DH with a sliding tackle, and in the next you're conciliatory in case I think that you think that I think that you think that I'm happy to leave my kids overnight. I suspect you're pretty kind IRL and it's creeping into your spiky internet persona unbidden.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 03/12/2019 22:55

If your husband goes on his own, you should get away with friends soon too.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:55

The split fare advice is really helpful - I've heard of it but wouldn't have known where to begin so the links are useful.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 03/12/2019 22:56

Your dh goes alone. That would be my solution.

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 22:57

"If your husband goes on his own, you should get away with friends soon too."

Yes! I'm grateful to be back in my own bed for the foreseeable, but my best friend and I are mulling over some options.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 03/12/2019 22:57

I can't believe people are still being shamed for not driving in this day and age.

leli · 03/12/2019 22:58

I'd hazard a guess that you don't want to go. So decline the invitation.

If you'd have been eager to go you would have found a solution. When solutions have been offered here you've declined them. So use that as a guide to confirm what you may know deep down - leaving your children and going into the wilderness isn't for you. The friendship may suffer, it may not, but your OH's ultimate loyalty is to you and your DCs.

Sometimes it's best to do what we want and what we think is right for our family.

PS - I also belong to the camp that says it would be helpful to persuade your OH to learn to drive especially with two DCs, one with special needs. It can be done, my OH managed this finally and it really helped.

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/12/2019 22:58

They are selfish to give you an invite like that, presumably aware of your situation but making no acknowledgment or concessions.

Not selfish at all. It’s their wedding so they so as they please.

cushioncovers · 03/12/2019 22:59

Ah just saw your post about the cost of dh going. That's madness to spend that amount so in light of that I would just decline the invite but send a decent present instead

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:01

For latecomers - DH is going to go and will look at split train fares and so on, I will stay with the DC and (hopefully) my parents.

OP posts:
Daisydoola · 03/12/2019 23:01

Don't rule out him driving, DB didn't drive for ten years due to living overseas, when he came back he was nervous but had a couple of refresher lessons and was like he'd never stopped.

He could hire an automatic if he'd rather.

Being seriously ill is horrendous, I hope you're well on the mend now x

Original poster
HerculesMulligan · 03/12/2019 23:02

"I'd hazard a guess that you don't want to go."

I've said a few times that I'd love to be at the wedding! It's just practicalities. If it had been this time last year we'd have been there without any doubt.

OP posts:
Alrighteo · 03/12/2019 23:03

You clearly don't want to go, so just turn down the invite. What your husband does, is another story, but no doubt, you can't be left alone. Could your mother come over for the night while your DH legs it via public transport?

badguyduh · 03/12/2019 23:04

When I don't want to do something, instead of just not doing it, I go on mumsnet and spend hours carefully replying to posts about it. Hmm

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