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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 01:57

I think as women, we are our own worst enemies sometimes. We are more sexist (to our own sex) than males sometimes.

I've had numerous job interviews over the years and have been asked numerous times about children...."do you have children" / "who looks after the children" ... I've only ever been asked this by other females. Never has a male ever asked. Not one time. And I work in the legal profession too, so they were aware I knew they couldn't ask, yet did so regardless. It feels like some women are conditioned to be sexist to our own sex as a norm.

This thread has pointed that out to me too. We have had male HCPs come on and advise that having a woman not want their care would not offend them in the slightest. Yet we have had women come on and say how angry and disgusted and seething they are for a woman not wanting to have intimate care provided by a male.

The worst though was the woman who said "a man was there when the baby was made and you were naked so a man can be there when the baby comes out and you're naked"..... That's the sort of thing a pussy grabbing Donald Trump would come out with!! One man has seen and touched you naked so they all can! Oh dear.

This has definitely enlightened me!

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/12/2019 02:00

How has a thread about a woman’s right to choose who sees her naked and vulnerable, turned into a thread of posters trying to prove how bad females are? This thread isn’t about people having awful experiences with female staff. It’s also not about how it’s not fair, because there aren’t enough men going into nursing (no doubt women are somehow to blame for that) leading to men not always having male nurses, so therefore women shouldn’t. I only have a three bedroom house, but my neighbour has five, so that’s not fair so he should close up two of his rooms. 🙄

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/12/2019 02:05

BTW Hellofromtheotherside2020 I have a lovely olive bloomer spread with garlic mayo. I’m blaming you, as this thread has got me comfort eating. See another bad woman doing a bad thing. points finger

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 02:09

Yeah, "a man was there for the conception" definitely wins WTF moment of the thread. Yes, we know how babby is formed. No, being willing to have sex with a man doesn't mean we have therefore given permission to view or touch our bodies to all males from then forward. FFS.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 02:10

...What's a bloomer in this context? To me bloomers are old timey knickers, which I can't imagine you'd want to cover in mayo.

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 02:11

Well, yesterday you were promoting deli cheeses and wine to a pregnant lady at 5am, so we know who the real bad person is 😂

Currently eating cheddar and crackers and having a lemon squash. Oh how the other half live!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 02:13

Hey, some people get kicks out of covering their underwear in mayo. Don't judge OK!!

OP posts:
TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 02:14

Hey, if you want your washing to all smell like garlic far be it from me to stop you!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/12/2019 02:14

To me bloomers are old timey knickers, which I can't imagine you'd want to cover in mayo.

Eww! You’ll put me right off my lovely bread. It’s a loaf of bread. I’m afraid this is all that if left, though in my defence I had no dinner. I’m still blaming Hellofromtheotherside2020.

AIBU to request no male midwife
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/12/2019 02:15

Hey, some people get kicks out of covering their underwear in mayo. Don't judge OK!!

I can see a new kink starting. 🤣

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 02:16

Oh and another comment that bloody infuriated me was when someone said that giving birth isn't an intimate thing?

OP posts:
TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 02:17

I'd have probably eaten what's left of the bread too tbh.

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 02:18

Blame away!
I was blamed for destroying the NHS too so I can take it!!

There'll be a new thread in six months time "husband keeps covering my underwear in mayo, AIBU? " - I'll be there to say hell to the yes you are, embrace it! I had mayo once and it saved my sandwich.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/12/2019 02:19

Oh and another comment that bloody infuriated me was when someone said that giving birth isn't an intimate thing?

It’s just like squeezing a spot, isn’t it? 🤷‍♀️

hides behind bloomer

I may revisit the bloomer later, kitten 😁

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 02:46

In keeping with the shaming theme someone will probably be along soon to tell us all about how they live on half an avocado a day and to there's really no need for other women to consume (gasp) carbohydrates.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/12/2019 02:54

Oh no. I don’t think so kitten! That there is fighting talk! 👊🏻

Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 02:56

Or we will have another woman come along and tell us periods aren't bad because hers are absolutely fine. In fact she loves them, they make her feel feminine, therefore all women should love them. Oh and endo....that doesn't exist, it's just women who are wimps who need to grow up and get over themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 02:57

Ahhh I miss tiger loaf or tiger bread.....

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/12/2019 06:48

Women are not demanding men be mw, yet men feel they must be included, and invokve themselves in a field where its contraindicated, man benefits, women and babies suffer.
This is the sort of thing that I think goes too far.
To start saying this HCP has to be female to do the job because if not it's prioritising men and women suffer is a leap too far in my opinion.

Anyone who wishes to request single sex care should be absolutely able to in my opinion. I've no desire to force people into intimate care they aren't happy with, but I don't see how that goes hand in hand with the unreasonable suggestion here that (essentially) go "I wouldn't want opposite sex care therefore nobody should and I think we should stop 50% of the population going into jobs that I personally wouldn't like them"

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/12/2019 06:54

I completely agree with you Lola.

RoyalMail · 05/12/2019 07:14

I think you should absolutely be allowed to request a female midwife for any reason or no reason. But i think it’s crazy to say men shouldn’t be midwives at all. In America most births are presided over by OB/GYNs and you can generally choose the group who will deliver you, lot and lots and lots of workmen (including me) choose groups that men. There are definitely female only and midwife led and other options available and it’s nice to have the choice, barring an emergency or you being out of town etc.

If you broke your tooth and called for a dental appt and they told you the only appt for 2 more weeks was with a male dentist, I would find it ridiculous to wait for a female clinician, BUT you should have the right. It’s your tooth after all. Although I suppose if you are pregnant the NHS is paying for your dental care and if the tooth worsens bc you chose to wait it could be a bigger drain on resources. (But I’m just playing devil’s advocate. If you want to wait in pain for a lady dentist you should absolutely be able to.)

OP I’m wondering how relevant this is to the system you are in anyway. What country is it?

Sagradafamiliar · 05/12/2019 08:19

I'm in awe at the PPs' valiant efforts in engaging with the sexist, misogynist poster. They (the poster in question) have an agenda on every thread, you see and it always goes the exact same way. Reads the room, decides to be contrary, insults and personally attacks people, then drops in a huge me-rail to garner sympathy then attempts to gradually discredit what women are saying. Let's just say I don't take what they say at face value.

Some truly incredible posters here though, absolute respect.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/12/2019 08:24

Sagradafamiliar

Then report them to Mumsnet or read through their other posts on general health or autoimmune diseases or chronic pain.

Sagradafamiliar · 05/12/2019 08:42

How has it turned into a thread of posters trying to prove how bad females are?

Yup. This is what I meant yesterday when I said that men are always glorified and women are demonised. Always those two extremes. Even the well meaning male midwife who came on was unable to resist a bit of female colleague bashing to highlight how perfect he is. I have never, ever seen a man spoken highly of, without throwing in shitty behaviour of women to drive home the point.

Toorahtoorahaye · 05/12/2019 08:48

The worst though was the woman who said "a man was there when the baby was made and you were naked so a man can be there when the baby comes out and you're naked"..... That's the sort of thing a pussy grabbing Donald Trump would come out with!! One man has seen and touched you naked so they all can! Oh dear.

Really? Missed that - that’s a doozy