AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

I've always been asked if I consented to having students present or participating in my care. During my 2nd labour the midwife asked me if the male medical student could deliver the baby. I willingly agreed simply because I could not face her delivering me, so not entirely sure that consent was given willingly and freely. As it happened my dd was in distress, got stuck and I ended up.needing an emergency ventouse delivery so was delivered by a Dr, not the medical student. He was amazing though and really looked after me during the delivery, like a 2nd birthing partner really, which is surely what the midwife should have been doing?

28 years ago I did have a male midwife (very unusual then) and I was asked if students could be present for delivery. It was a very short labour and quick delivery. I didn't mind at all. I was on my own as DH had to drop DS with friends & it was snowing - he made it to the delivery room just in time!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras:
Ohnonononono! Colonoscopy with sedation was bad enough, and I had the full two drugs for sedation plus buscopan. And the agony of hours of bowel spasms before they let me home. I can’t imagine all that with nothing.
Although a root canal without anaesthetic because ’the nerve is already gone so you won’t feel anything’ was possibly the least funny thing that has ever happened to me. I was 17, I can recall tears and when I begged him to stop or at least give me anaesthetic, he said ‘funny, shouldn’t be hurting,’ shrugged his shoulders and carried on.

There have been quite a few threads on here about how it's better for colonoscopies and endoscopies to be done with no sedatives (none of those posts, however, are from people who've had them, but from the HCPs) so I'm not surprised at how some are treated. There seems to be quite a problem with pain not being managed well, especially when it comes to females, with women posting about screaming, fainting and bleeding badly during coil insertions not aware other places use cervical anaesthesia, women stitched with no anaesthetic, women screaming in pain after CS and given a couple of oral paracetamol at most.

Oh my gosh, I had the root canal thing done too. No pain relief as "root dead, you won't feel a thing" as they're bashing away in my mouth so hard the bed is rocking! Gah!

My last one I had fentanyl, midazolam, entonox and buscopan - that was fine!!!

No.idea why she refused to give me sedation - I was fitted in as an emergency so.maybe she was in a rush. I have no.idea, it was barbaric though and I repeatedly told her to stop. I think.some.hcps have just become desensitised to the suffering that some.patients go through.

Not to mention legion of posts from women suffering severe side effects from coils and implants and HCPs refusing to remove them, fobbing them off, 'It will settle' and not getting them removed until they threaten to take them out themselves or state, 'I no longer consent to this treatment. I do not consent.' Again, there's this issue of lack of consent.

I can remember getting a letter of thanks from a woman in one of my last jobs. She said that the one thing that stood out in her whole experience was that when I helped her to feed I asked permission to touch her breast. It was lovely, but it also made me a bit sad because it stood out. I shouldn’t have because surely every midwife does that?
This whole topic of consent is a big bugbear of mine, and I would love to discuss it in a wider arena without hijacking a thread. I really don’t get why my practice differs from other midwives. All I do is care in the way I would want someone I love to be looked after. There isn’t another way.

dontalltalkatonce I've heard horror stories from women who've been left without any pain relief just hours after their c-sections. There was one on here a while back that I remember, where the woman was in so much agony but the nurses didn't believe her, so they ended up getting the mental health team involved. I think it was a thread where the nurse had recorded that she'd been given morphine every so many hours, but the patient could not ever recall getting any.

I think it's the same with men too. In some ways, they're under more pressure to "man up and deal with the pain" yet in a medical scenario, sometimes they're offered more pain relief than females having similar procedures.

It's a shame that people in general are not listened to. Male or female.

That's why when I had my third child I was almost turned away from the labour ward. I deal with my pain inwardly and have to zone out, so I don't even look like I'm suffering. The midwife who was initially assigned to me just looked at me at the reception desk and told me I wasn't in labour and to go home (was over an hour away!) or to go for a 'nice long walk'! I asked for someone else immediately to check me and I was 8cm dilated and fully effaced. Less than 20 mins later the child was born.

Same when I broke my arm. Several times! Once at school, I was just given a wet paper towel when I said it hurt. When I still couldn't move it the next morning I went to hospital and it was broken and required surgery to put back in place. Yet a paper cut and I'm withering around like a seal on steroids!!! Everyone deals with pain differently and everyone should be listened to on an individual basis and not just assumed they're OK, or that they're hysterical or dramatic.

Emptybox you really do sound like a lovely, respectable midwife. I expect feedback like that really makes your world. And I agree, it is sad that the mother had not received the same level of care or respect previously. I was a breastfeeding support peer volunteer years ago and would always ask consent before touching. I assumed this was an unwritten rule and the norm. I think zebra summed it up, perhaps some HCPs do just get desensitised to pain, consent, boundaries etc. Especially when you're all under so much pressure with time restraints and long hours. Not that that's an excuse to flout the rules.
This topic of consent is so interesting to me, so please feel free to continue - all of you. It does relate to the initial question too.

This whole topic of consent is a big bugbear of mine, and I would love to discuss it in a wider arena without hijacking a thread. I really don’t get why my practice differs from other midwives.

In my experience, I have honestly found male nurses and drs to respect the need for consent whereas I think female nurses feel that they don't need to practice defensively and so do things without directly seeking consent.

If you read threads about possible sexual assault the posters will be virtually unanimous that a man should have to ask for consent before engaging in any sexual.behaviour at all whereas you rarely see anyone saying that a woman needs to gain consent before kissing her partner or making the first move. I think it is a belief in society that men should ask first but that women aren't seen as a threat and so they aren't held to the same standards.

I have to say if a male.asked to touch my breast I would have to say no, absolutely no way

This is why there shouldn't be male midwives in case a male is the only option available at any point, and by so doing you compromise women, not men or hcps but women. You take away a womens choice by doing this.

So its all well and good, but then at other times its not important, when it is

(Points at Emptybox's post)

See, everyone trying to shame the OP on the behalf of the poor male HCPs? If they'd decent people and good at their jobs not only won't they take offense, they'll already know that their services may be declined. So realize and own the fact that when you scold the OP you're not doing it for those men, you're doing it because for some reason doing so feels good for you.

This is why there shouldn't be male midwives in case a male is the only option available at any point, and by so doing you compromise women, not men or hcps but women. You take away a womens choice by doing this.

By doing this aren't you taking away choice from women like me who would prefer a male midwife due to extremely poor care from female midwives in the past?

You're taking away my choice by advocating for this.

I found my female mw the only one to ask to feel my belly, and check carefully with me about doing an internal, same with female GP.

I've had male consultants make massive assumptions, book cs without any discussion for instance and similar! Horrifying shit and arrogance.

No i'm not
Youre being sexist about mw being female all being bad

Unless you have medical trauma, which wpuld be completely understandable.

Women dont choose females over males because one sex is more of less competent than another, people aren't generally that sexist anymore right?

This is jusy ridiculous.

And back to circling around and around.

Magic roundabout anyone.

Unless you have medical trauma, which wpuld be completely understandable.

Which I do.

Truth on trial,
That’s my point. If you’d said no, I’d have backed off and been out of the room. And not been upset. But it should be the case for every practitioner, not just male ones. As a student, I saw a lot of instances where female midwives didn’t respect women: grabbing breasts while ‘helping’ babies feed; vaginal examinations without consent (shove a couple of fingers in to ‘show you where to push’); breaking waters, again without consent (‘there! I’ve just popped your waters. The baby will come quicker now..’) and more. It taught me how I wasn’t going to practice. You don’t need to put gloves on all the time. You can tell a woman is progressing without using gloves and gel- use your other senses. Don’t chatter in the labour room. A big midwife skill is how to be comfortable with silence, while also being watchful. Let her do her thing. You don’t need to check stitches every day. A woman knows her body, she’ll tell you when things aren’t right. And DON’T pick up her baby without asking, just because you’re the doctor or midwife! It’s not yours to pick up! Ask permission!!!
Sorry, I get quite agitated over these things. It’s about respect for women. I think the day we lose that is the day to find another job.

My female GPs have all been very sensitive, thorough and understanding.
I've also had male GPs who have been very sensitive, thorough and understanding.

Again, my reasoning for not wanting a male midwife isn't because I don't think they'd be capable or respectful, but because I don't want a male I don't know looking around in or looking at my vagina. Nothing to do with their capabilities.

This reasoning is completely different to saying "I'll now only see male HCPs because the female ones I've seen have all been bad", which, like truth states is sexist. I do too believe is sexist. But either way, who cares. Maybe sometimes we are totally allowed to be sexist when it comes to personal boundaries of our own bodies.

And, truth on trial, you’re not being disrespectful, at least not to this HCP. You are expressing your own view, which is personal and sacred to you. You’re not upsetting me.
And I am not in any way disrespecting my female colleagues. I’ve had the privilege to have been trained by and worked alongside incredible women that it is an honour to know. I am the midwife I am because of them and I owe them the deepest thanks.

I don't think anyone should be sexist claiming that women make worse mw ffs!

Exactly whats happening right here right now.

If you have a medical condition I'm very sorry you have suffered as a result of your birth experience.

I don't believe all women are bad mw's, no, so definitely not following that line of thinking. That is sexism. So is saying all the male wms are 'great', is also ridiculous and sexist.

What a load of nonsense.

As someone, anyone who's studied birth, look at the way that animals birth before blundering in assuming women will want you at their birth.

There's nothing that needed at a birth that cant be very adequately provided by another woman, despite your best efforts to denigrate female mws.

The harm caused by women is absolutely miniscule by comparison to men, so go figure with this sexist nonsense.

I'm another one who just plain doesn't want any man I don't have a sexual relationship with seeing me naked or touching intimate parts of my body. They may be lovely people, but I still don't want them doing that because I'm not comfortable with it. The "don't worry we've seen it all before" brush off someone recounted upthread is so teeth grindingly empathy free it would have me in a rage. It happened to my mother, and not just during birth, and that's why I'm an only child, because one trip through the system and she'd had enough.

Saying "all people of this sex are bad at their jobs" is sexist. That's not why any of the women here saying they don't want a male HCP don't want one. I'm fine with a male HCP for non intimate stuff, others may not be. Their choice, not yours, angry and frankly rude randoms who keep popping in to have a crack at the OP and call her sexist.

Saying "all people of this sex are bad at their jobs" is sexist. That's not why any of the women here saying they don't want a male HCP don't want one. I'm fine with a male HCP for non intimate stuff, others may not be. Their choice, not yours, angry and frankly rude randoms who keep popping in to have a crack at the OP and call her sexist.

This. Not being comfortable with the opposite sex when you're in an intimate situation is not sexism.

Im not bothered if youre upset male mw.

I am.not guarding my language to protect you.

Im talking about whats best for women, you wanted to involve yourself in this. My point stands regardless of yours.

Comments being made are sexist.