AIBU to request no male midwife

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

Hold up op. You're calling me sexist for not wanting female hcps due to previous treatment I've received that affected my mh for many, many years afterwards but you are arguing vehemently that you don't want any male hcps, just because, and that is your absolute right because it's your body and only you can decide who touches it.

Why on earth can't I set whatever boundaries I want on my own body? How does that make.me sexist but not you?

So you can decide your own boundaries, for no reason other than your choice, but I can't even though I was severely affected by the treatment that inreceived.?

When I had my daughter and the doctor came round to do the final checks on the baby before we go home, he was male and was brilliant. I was breastfeeding her when he came up to my bed (which I didn't mind) and was so apologetic and said he'd come back later. I told him not to worry as I knew she was now only suckling for comfort.
He asked permission to to hold her, to undress her. His bedside manner was a credit to him and he fully explained at each stage what he was doing and why. I was one million percent comfortable with that and was so impressed with how professional he was. Like he should be.

With my 3rd baby, the midwife assigned to me (after the rude midwife who wouldn't listen to me and assumed I wasn't in labour had been replaced), she was an older student who used to work as an interior designer and yoga teacher. She had no children of her own. She was truly an angle and she listened to me, respected me, didn't do any internal exams aside from the one when I first arrived to see if I was in established labour (I asked for this one as was in two minds then!). She always asked permission to do things and she included my husband. I was in total awe of her. Her placement supervisor on shift was another older midwife who was a dragon!!! She took the birth trolly from outside the room so the poor student had no equipment when I suddenly needed to push. So we pressed the emergency buzzer and she came in (with a few other midwives) and she shouted at the student for not having her trolly ready!! As the baby's head was crowning I said "that's because YOU took it you silly woman" in front of all of her colleagues. I was so annoyed she tried to make the student look bad and unprepared, when the reality is, it was her fault.
With that, she laughed it off and said "oops my bad" and did apologise to the student.
So yes, I know females can be bad at being midwives too, I'm under no illusion at all.

zebra If you say, "my body, I prefer males" then that is NOT sexist.

If you say "I want a male because the females are all insensitive and bad" that is sexist.

Yep. "All female HCPs are bad at their jobs" is sexist. "Due to past trauma I would prefer to be seen by male HCPs" is fine - your body, your choice.

Thanks TheProdigalKittensReturn - was beginning to think I was on another planet there for a minute.

Yep. "All female HCPs are bad at their jobs" is sexist. "Due to past trauma I would prefer to be seen by male HCPs" is fine - your body, your choice.

Yes. Exactly.

Personally I don't think people should have to explain why they'd prefer a different HCP, as being forced to recount trauma often forces people to relive it and it's an invasion of their privacy. As we can see in this thread, unfortunately, the world is full of judgemental arseholes who demand a full and detailed recounting of why any particular women doesn't want something because they may, at their discretion of course because their opinion is very important, deign to allow the woman to have what she needs.

Well op I haven't said that. I've said the midwives and female Dr that I encountered during my labours were truly appalling and caused me both physical and mental trauma. I was so affected after the 2nd birth that I discharged myself with an Hb of 6 despite being advised to have a blood transfusion following a pph because I could not face staying in that environment for another minute.

So I'm saying I want a.male HCP.in future because the female ones I've encountered were insensitive and bad and I cannot face being in that position again. I was forced to during the emergency colonoscopy and that just reinforced my experience.so, no, I won't go through it again.

(Can you tell that I'm getting a little testy? Seriously, this thread. There are a lot of people who hopefully don't have jobs that require them to interact with other humans, because yikes.)

Yes, and people have said you should be able to choose if at all possible, or withhold consent if no male available as it's your body.

Yes, and people have said you should be able to choose if at all possible, or withhold consent if no male available as it's your body.

And some people have called me sexist for holding those views.

And zebras - you seem to want to argue with everything I say?!!

Yesterday you told me "You won't feel that way if you'd been through what I've been through" in response to me saying I'd still prefer a bad female midwife over a good male midwife". When I said that you were incorrect, i would prefer a bad female over a good male, you then proceeded to tell me that I wouldn't know?!!! I do know! Having a male I don't know seeing me naked is a hard limit for me (and I do too have previous trauma which was explained much, much earlier in the thread). That would traumatise me more than having an evil woman present. Who I know I'd be comfortable asserting my voice over. When I explained this you then randomly accused me of telling you that I believed it was your fault for how you were treated, when I neither implied or said that. I dropped that as didn't want to get into any irrelevant topics. But the point was, you don't know how I would feel.

You have issues with female HCPs which I fully understand why, and I've said I hope you manage to find peace with that. If you're more comfortable seeing males, then good for you, I fully understand that and respect your decision. Please stop trying to pick arguments with me when I'm agreeing with what you say.

You want to be seen by males. Excellent. Saying that is perfectly acceptable. But saying "all female HCPs are bad at their jobs" IS a sexist comment. I've never said neither males or females are bad at their jobs and have expressed there are good and bad HCPs regardless of their sex. I'm not saying "I won't see a male because they are all insensitive and stupid" or "I'll never see a male because they are all bad at their jobs".

You should perhaps begin your own thread as like someone else said, we are just going round in circles now covering things which are not at all relevant to the initial question. And like I said, I hope you find peace with your traumatic experiences. X

OMG zebras, no one said YOU were sexist for having that view. We said it'd be sexist to say "I'll only see a male HCP as the females are bad at their job". Why is that not sinking in?????

The debate is not about whether one sex is better at midwifing than another, as that would be and is sexist. End of.

Debate about how women feel about it, male comes to discuss how women feel about it. How can a male know how this is for a women to reveal herself to the opposite sex at such a vulnerable time.

I am NOT talking about the quality of care.

That was never under discussion

And some people have called me sexist for holding those views.

They specifically said a belief that all women are incompetent is sexist, but that experiencing trauma from female HCPs is an understandable reason for wanting an opposite sex HCP. Most women who have a preference for a same sex HCP do so because they are uncomfortable with males seeing or touching their body, or have religious reasons for this. It's not quite the same.

Its compromising women just so that men can help themself to a female led and centred profession.

Having a male mw anywhere means that some poor woman somewhere may ne forced to have a male and make the shitty call to shut up and put up because a man wants the job and yours or your baby's life may be at risk

No choice. So long as man has his job where he wants to be though. Thats priority right?

Why would a man want to be a midwife? I agree with some of the posters above that this should be a female only profession!

Agree - why would a man choose to be a midwife knowing that do many women would feel uncomfortable - weird.

A male midwife delivered my DS1 25 years ago He was far more compassionate and attentive than both the female midwives for 2 and 3

So what uncomfortable. Whats your sexist point exactly? That male mws are better the female. Mysogyny.

Lovely that you had lovely births but not the point of this thread.

Any man applying to be a mw is pushing his own priority above women. Making his 'right' to have a job attending women intimately at a time when instinctively women want security, priority over those women

Someone do tell me why a male NEEDS to be in the role. How does his male presence help a labouring woman exactly?

Do try to avoid being repeatedly sexist though.

Any man applying to be a mw is pushing his own priority above women.

In accordance with NICE guidelines only 12 hospitals in the UK treat penile cancer. There are 2 of these hubs covering the whole of London and the South East, which means that any man suspected of having, or having, penile cancer will be referred to one of these 2 hospitals. At one hospital the nurse who runs that service, who attends to the men going through it, who goes through the whole process with them and counsels them through the implications of their treatment, is female.

Are you as outraged about that? If ever there's a time when a man wouldn't want a woman present it's when he's discussing having his penis removed. Why would a female nurse want that job? (I happen to.know that she's very, very good at it but still, that seems immaterial according to this thread).

All the people in the room who saved me and my baby’s life during a forceps delivery were male. Male consultants, surgeons, anaethesists, pediatricians etc.

Whats your sexist point exactly? That male mws are better the female.Mysogyny.
Aren't they just giving an example of where they've had positive experience with male HCP?
Suggesting that qualified and professional and competent practitioners might be male or female?
Giving a personal example to challenge the idea that men in "women's roles" must have their own agenda and keep out.

I totally support the right of men and women to request intimate care by same sex HCP, but it's possible to believe in that right without doing what some have done on here and start suggesting there's something untoward about a man doing a job you don't think is for men.

I am not outraged about that, and thats very emotive language use by you.

I am not talking about penis and neither is anyone else.

We don't have to you know? Do you know?

The thread isn't about that.

You seem to be grabbing at straws.

Grumpy. You do know the thread's not about that don't you? . Have you been reading? It would seem not, from your comment.

I hope you're not implying that your baby was fine because it was an all male team, as that would be sexist wouldn't it?

It's quite breathtaking how many are still being so sexist.

I don't think a woman asking about mw services is an opportunity to repeatedly throw sexist commentary at women

...and this from women?

Why does it matter whether anyone has had positictor negative experiences...it doesn't, its irrelevant.

Utterly irrelevant. Its bonkers that pp keep on repeating themselves like moths to a flame. Bang bang bang. Interesting, and sexist.

Women are not demanding men be mw, yet men feel they must be included, and invokve themselves in a field where its contraindicated, man benefits, women and babies suffer.

You tell me who actively wants to ignore the effects of their presence in this space?

It needs to stop. No women ever complained that there wasn't a male present at their birth.