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AIBU to request no male midwife

999 replies

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 03/12/2019 11:33

I know I'm probably being unreasonable, but I am due to give birth soon and at the hospital where I'm planning on giving birth, there are a few male midwives employed.

I think it's great that there are male midwives. It really must take a special kind of man to want to do that job and I expect they're very professional and amazing in their roles.

I know many women who've said that having a male midwife was better than a female etc etc as they were more sympathetic.

But for some reason, which I can't explain as I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable at the thought of having a male deliver my baby. It's not a sexual thing. I don't think a man will look at my vagina and get turned on or anything like that. I know they see plenty every day. I would feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, exposed and embarrassed if there was a man present (other than DH).

I know people will say "when you're in labour you won't care who's in the room", but I will care. I've given birth three times before and I did care then. I enjoyed my previous births and I was comfortable being surrounded by lovely women caregivers. I felt very feminine and powerful. I didn't care if the female caregiver had given birth herself or not, so it's not even a case of feeling the male midwife wouldn't have empathy or anything like that, which is what my friend suggested.

Am I the only person who feels like this?
How can I articulate my request to the hospital in my birth plan without sounding like a sexist pig? I feel so bad feeling his way as I know they're great at their jobs. I just know for sure I'd be so uncomfortable in my primal self giving birth and likely pooping myself in front of another man.

I'm the same with GPs and even dentists too, I just feel more comfortable under the care of another woman. What's wrong with me? Come to think of it, any make who is in a position of power/authority to me (eg senior colleagues) I always feel so vulnerable and inferior. Why?!!!! Help!

OP posts:
TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 17:09

If people could respond to what others are actually saying rather than what they'd like them to be saying so they can start a fight that would be lovely.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/12/2019 17:12

You missed the part where I said "Yes we should all have a choice.". Please try to read posts properly.

Maybe you should read the posts properly and address those that are saying we shouldn't have a choice because men should be banned from being midwives, thus removing that choice from women who would want it.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/12/2019 17:14


Many of us are responding to actual.pists - the ones that are saying men shouldn't be allowed to be midwives.

Some.of us are saying that is wrong, for a variety of reasons.

Ereshkigal · 05/12/2019 17:18

Maybe you should read the posts properly and address those

I said clearly what my position was. I can understand why other posters have a different one. Don't project onto me. You failed to read my post properly. It has nothing to do with anyone else, and no I wont respond to anyone else unless I have something I want to say.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 17:21

If there was any more projection going on here you could use the thread to show films, honestly.

(Shrugs) Some people just love to pick fights, I guess. Maybe it's a sort of hobby. Only one page to go, I'm sure they'll manage to fill it up with more of the same.

icannotremember · 05/12/2019 17:27

Sure, outside of "these are the only staff available and this is an emergency" situations, sure, any woman who does not want a male midwife should be able to decline their involvement. Anyway, most HCPs are in their jobs because they want to provide good care to people, not because they want to upset them. Male midwives will be very aware that there are women out there who just do not want to be cared for by them, that there are even women who would prefer an appalling female midwife to an excellent male midwife- it won't come as a shock to them that some women will decline their involvement and I doubt they would want to force their involvement on someone who was unhappy about it!

TruthOnTrial · 05/12/2019 17:29

that of poor care during pregnancy and childbirth because you are elevating banning male midwives above good care given by well trained, empathic midwives.

This, again Confused

The 'men make better MWs sexism'

They are the opposite sex, who says they have a right to be involved in a sex dictated event? You do.

I don't. This insistence on sexism is just stunning really it is. Over and over again.

The sexes are different Confused.

They are completely physically different and the opposite sex presents a set of phenomena that same sex do not especially for women.

For men, some other men also present a set of same sex phenomena that is umwelcome to men.

But repeatedly saying men are better is sexist and boorish.

It's not ok

dontalltalkatonce · 05/12/2019 17:29

Groundhog Day!

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 17:30

Meanwhile, all of this is of no use whatsoever to the OP, so again - Hello, you're fine. You don't owe anyone an explanation. Women are allowed to want things, and allowed to have boundaries. The person whose feelings matter most in a healthcare situation is the patient. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into agreeing to something you won't be comfortable with.

Hopefully in a few months you'll come back and give us an update!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/12/2019 17:31


Nope, I didn't fail to read your post properly.

I read it and understood it perfectly well thank you. I used it as an illustration whilst referring to points raised in another posters comments.

You may well be saying you agree with choice for all but you aren't disagreeing with a poster arguing to remove choice.

TruthOnTrial · 05/12/2019 17:32

You remove the choice from the actual birthing woman, who is the priority, by putting men into MW,

Some will fight to the death for that it seems.

Bashing female MW's as a means to insist on there being men in these roles is horrible and sexist.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 17:32

Not your attack dog, not required to bite on demand!

I'm so sorry that your thread went this way, OP. Sadly it probably won't be the last one that does.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/12/2019 17:34

@TruthOnTrial - seems you are the one who can’t read. Apparently when it comes to male midwives everyone is all gung-ho against - yet nobody bats an eyelid or has said a word about the traditionally male professions in obstetrics. the team that saved my life was all-male. End of story. Not saying like you are that a person’s gentitals makes them more capable — but in a life or death situation if you decline consent UK maternity services won’t force you. So by Last minute insisting on female consultants and if it causes a delay women may end up causing themselves or their baby to die.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/12/2019 17:35

It's déjà vu all over again!



TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 17:35

Though if we're bossing people around, does she fetch too? Cause that bread earlier looked pretty good, so if Totally hasn't finished it...

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 17:37

(Sorry, Ereshkigal, you know I would never actually demand that you do things for me. My parents brought me up better than that.)

dontalltalkatonce · 05/12/2019 17:37

This isn't about a life or death situation or an emergency! The OP already stated that.

Thenamedame · 05/12/2019 17:38

I'm not reading through 39 pages of comments, the first page was repugnant enough!

You get to choose who looks at and puts their fingers inside your vagina at your most vulnerable period. You do not under any circumstances need to justify your decisions about who sees and touches your genitals as you birth your baby end of. How this can have spurred a 39 page debate I do not know.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/12/2019 17:39

The 'men make better MWs sexism'

Where have I said this?

I have said that some female midwives provide shocking care. Downright neglectful and dangerous in some cases. I had some of those midwives caring for me. The hospital involved was put into special measures because of the high maternal death rates. I don't want to be looked after by midwives like that.

That isn't in any way saying men are better than women. That's saying good male midwives are better than dangerous or indeed indifferent female midwives. Maybe you would prefer to be looked after by a dangerous female midwife rather than a good male midwife. If that's the case, good luck to you. I don't want that. I've experienced it and it's affecting me still 25 years on.

You're the one saying female midwives are best, even in the face of some posters telling you about the poor care that they received at the hands of female midwives

I want a choice. You can choose same sex hcps for yourself. Stop trying to force me to make the same choice.

TruthOnTrial · 05/12/2019 17:40

It is a shame that it seems to be the case that men must even be centred in something so female as giving birth on every thread where any woman speaks of her lack of need for a male to present at birth

They offer nothing over and above what a woman can do by merit of their sex alone, whereas women do, yet its still denied Grin laughable.

Some of these supposed 'dilemmas' are just non-dilemmas, or actually only dilemmas because of men.

Women do women, men do men, its when men tey to 'do' women theres a problem, and by this I mean push a male agenda upon a situation that women can manage eminently well without men atall

Research all says this to be so.

There are poor performers everywhere, to discount the whole sex on the basis of the few is sexist, so glaringly sexist.

Yes, this will happen on any threads where women want to do women without any unnecessary input from men.

Men present a very different dynamic to a woman, than a woman does to a man

Does this even really need saying?

For some it clearly does.

TruthOnTrial · 05/12/2019 17:41

Again, the thread has nothing to do with the quality of care, unless you are being sexist.

dontalltalkatonce · 05/12/2019 17:41

Do read through it, Thename, if you're bored. If anything to identify the same posters who me-rail such threads with personal anectodes.


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TruthOnTrial · 05/12/2019 17:42

What I object to is you doing is orojecting your sexist views here about women supporting women in MW

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/12/2019 17:43

You get to choose who looks at and puts their fingers inside your vagina at your most vulnerable period. You do not under any circumstances need to justify your decisions about who sees and touches your genitals as you birth your baby end of. How this can have spurred a 39 page debate I do not know.

Unless you don't want a female midwife due to past trauma and then apparently you have absolutely no right whatsoever to choose.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 05/12/2019 17:43

How this can have spurred a 39 page debate I do not know

Astounding, isn't it? You're not really missing anything re the thread, other than a small food related derail that was the only point in the thread where nobody was being horrible.

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