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Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 04/12/2019 08:26

It’s really confusing when someone you love unexpectedly acts in a horrible and violent way. You’re blindsided. You want to be able to contextualise it somehow, to make it stop meaning what it seems to mean. And actually it’s the other way round: this is the new context. As it turns out, he doesn’t respect you and he never really respected you. It’s hard to get your head around it. But fundamentally it’s a matter of his attitude: he thinks it’s ok to strike you. He will continue to think it’s ok to strike you. Therefore he will strike you again if you continue to have a relationship with him. The first time is the most disorienting, but also the time when you have the most power to walk away.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 09:36

Well done on cancelling last night.

How are you feeling this morning?

Has he even apologised? Given you a reason for doing it?

In the meantime, can you talk to someone in real-life? Might help you to organise your thoughts. x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 09:37

And by 'reason', I mean excuse.

Sorry, wasn't meaning to minimise what he did.

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 04/12/2019 10:09

Did you talk to him about it OP?

pooopypants · 04/12/2019 10:17

All violence starts somewhere OP, this is just his starting point. Did you speak to him?

Vanhi · 04/12/2019 11:17

You're a woman of few words OP.

Meaning what? For four years the OP thought she was in a relationship with a good, kind, caring man. Now he's hit her so she has to weigh four years of evidence that he is decent, against the evidence that he isn't. She doesn't then owe MN a long rambling explanation of how she's feeling.

I am aware that there is an enormous amount of fakery and trolling on the internet. However, I prefer to post as if I believe the person. Apart from anything else, there may well be people out there in a similar situation who appreciate the advice.

OP as you can see from this thread, there is a tendency to minimise, especially given that he hit you on your bum, not your face. It is something that could be interpreted as playful. I have no doubt he knows this and that that is why he chose this for the first time he hit you. You'll be in a situation where you can't quite believe it, and don't want to anyway. But he will escalate this. It might take months, he might wait years, but it will get worse.

Tvstar · 04/12/2019 11:29

I think a slapped bum is completely different to a slapped face! I think you need to have a serious talk about it. He might not have viewed it as being very bad (not to say that it isn't) especially if playful or sexual bum slapping has happened before

Vanhi · 04/12/2019 11:34

And there you have it OP. Your DP knows full well that some people might take this attitude. Watch out for him saying something very similar to what TVStar has just said. "Oh, well yes, but it was a bit playful really, just on the bum. It's not like I really hit you or slapped your face or something".

HandsOffMyRights · 04/12/2019 11:38

Yep, minimising/dismissing violence by men towards women is really very dangerous TV.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 04/12/2019 11:38

OP knows it wasn't 'playful' Hmm

billy1966 · 04/12/2019 11:43

It doesn't matter one bloody bit where he hit her.
He hit her.

I feel so sorry for the OP, I can well imagine she can hardly believe it herself.

Unfortunately, I agree with @CardsforKittens, this is the new context.

So sorry OP.

It will take real strength to end this.
💐

Lweji · 04/12/2019 11:58

I think a slapped bum is completely different to a slapped face!

How?

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 04/12/2019 12:00

It wasn’t playful. We haven’t spoken about it and he hasn’t apologised. I could see him tonight but I’m honestly not sure I want to

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/12/2019 12:02

It's over in your head, isn't it?

Inebriati · 04/12/2019 12:07

If you see him again, we'll see you on the Relationships board after he's got you trapped and too scared to leave.

Vanhi · 04/12/2019 12:08

Listen to that gut feeling saying you don't want to, OP.

Years ago a boyfriend I was very much in love with phoned me and dumped me, completely out of the blue with no warning at all. Initially I was desperate to get back with him but I was also extremely hurt. I went to stay with friends a long way from him to give myself literal, physical distance. In that time I started to realise this wasn't actually out of the blue. Realising he was capable of just phoning and ending things, knowing I loved him, I started to piece together other things about his behaviour. I gradually realised he wasn't who I thought he was and I had been in love with something quite illusory.

Various people tried to convince me that it might not really be over and that we still had a good chance together because we were such a great couple. And my response to them was always the same: he dumped me by phone with no warning. That is who he is. He did it once, can you guarantee me he will not do it again?

Now the only thing I regret is not seeing through him sooner. Take time away from him OP and if he ever tries to minimise what happened, read your first post back to yourself to remind yourself that yes, that is really what he did. That is who he is.

Alicenwonderland · 04/12/2019 13:12

Listen to your gut, don't see him.

Themyscira · 04/12/2019 13:31

Please don't see him. He's proven himself to be dangerous. There's no going back from that.

Whoops75 · 04/12/2019 13:34

Don’t see him tonight, you need more time to process this.

He pushed restart on your relationship, you are not continuing your old relationship, that’s over.

Cotswolds10 · 04/12/2019 13:47

@Tvstar OP has repeatedly stressed that it was not playful at all. And THAT is why it’s no different to an angry slap in the face or anywhere else.

@Vanhi has it exactly. People minimising violence because it was somewhere that is often deemed playful but it was NOT playful here.

@bagpuss90 I’ve been where you are, not wanting to throw away 4 seemingly lovely years after one violent incident. If he had been mortified afterwards and apologetic, then it’s still not ok. But to refuse to apologise even after you didn’t see him last night? He is so unable to see himself as flawed or wrong in this and that strikes me as very dangerous.

Tvstar · 04/12/2019 14:02

I am well Awre that she perceives the slap to be not playful, but her husband might have perceived it differently.
I personally think his lack of violent past, and the fact he aimed it at her bum (which is where ony children are smacked not in fun) means it was misjudged rather than malevolent

3weemonkeys · 04/12/2019 14:38

You were worried that someone else might have seen it happen because you were embarrassed, ashamed, shocked. That is not OK.

messolini9 · 04/12/2019 14:46

It sounds like it was just a build up of stress that got to boiling point due to the argument. If I were you I would talk to him about it and maybe try and find a few ways to try and relieve that stress instead of just dumping him like everyone else here is suggesting.

Are you male by any chance, @HaydnTaylor1? Or merely an apologist for toxic male behaviour?
I cannot believe you are seriously suggesting the OP takes on responsibility for her b/f's "stress" by helping him find non-violent methods of expressing it. What the fuck is she - his handmaid?

I imagine he can manage his "stress" in his daily life without hitting his boss, his friends, his mother etc. Funny how he was just "too stressed" not to hit his g/f though, innit?
The b/f is an adult.
He is responsible for managing his feelings - that's not the OP's job.
Her only job now is to protect herself, & maybe grieve for a relationship that wasn't with the man she thought she knew.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 04/12/2019 14:53

I really do just need a few days to sort it out in my head . I know I’m repeating myself but I’m just all over the place -my head says dump him-my heart says talk to him about it. I just can’t stress how lovely he usually is. I don’t know what came over him or why . I wish I could see it on cctv or something . It all happened so quickly-it was humiliating though.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 04/12/2019 14:55

OP, given you were worried that strangers might have seen him hit you, bear in mind that if you stay with him, he may later hit you in front of people you know. Is that something you want to risk?

Much worse - he hit OP in public this time.
How much harder would he have hit, in private?