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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner slapped my arse in public during an argument

333 replies

bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 00:35

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner . He has never laid a finger on me . He is very kind and gentle . We had a silly argument when we were out tonight and he slapped my arse . It wasn’t a playful slap -it was more like what we used to give a naughty child. He wasn’t drunk -we’d had a glass of wine each with our meal . I let it go-I was quite shocked tbh but I’m now home sat in bed ( we don’t live together) and I’m thinking he crossed a massive line . I don’t know if anyone else saw him do it. I bloody hope not. The fact it was in public makes it worse .Do I let it go or do I pull him on it big time tomorrow ?

OP posts:
Original poster
bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 16:54

It all happened so quickly - but I’m sure he walked towards me to do it .

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/12/2019 17:03

His masked slipped in that moment and he could no longer contain it

He will now escalate if you stay because you would have accepted it

There really is only one choice OP

Longfacenow · 03/12/2019 17:08

Don't feel pressured into seeing him. Say you're not up to it. Give yourself more time to get your thoughts together. No need to panic or rush. You need to think on your own schedule.

sonjadog · 03/12/2019 17:17

If I were you, I would cancel tonight and tell him why and say you need some time to think it over. See how he reacts and if he will give you space to think. Then take a while to reflect over if you want to give him another chance or not.

BrigidSt · 03/12/2019 17:30

This happened to me at work, when I was a trainee. A colleague, slapped me hard on the arse, just like that, for fun apparently. He was fired for gross misconduct, 25 years into his career. Its not ok at work, not ok from a loved one.

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/12/2019 17:36

yes, I think you should cancel seeing him tonight. Just say that you’re upset about his slapping your backside last night and ou want some space to think. Leave the door open to see his reaction. If he’s in any way defensive, says it was a joke or does anything other than give you an unreserved apology with an admission that it was unacceptable and a promise not to do it ever again, then I’m afraid you’ll have your answer.

Yesmate · 03/12/2019 17:38

The only reason you are questioning this is because of where he hit you. If it had been your arm you would know to run as fast as you could from this relationship. He hit you, that’s not ok. Please don’t accept it.

theWarOnPeace · 03/12/2019 17:45

Cancel him tonight in the first instance. Then think.

Ideally, dump.

Livingoncake · 03/12/2019 17:57

OP, given you were worried that strangers might have seen him hit you, bear in mind that if you stay with him, he may later hit you in front of people you know. Is that something you want to risk?

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 03/12/2019 19:07

Firstly I can’t stress enough he isn’t a violent aggressive partner .

I'm sorry lovely, he is.

I'm also aghast at the idea of him slapping you to "make you behave". He doesn't own you.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/12/2019 19:25

IMHO you need to settle this all in your head before you see him, if you do choose to see him after you give it all a good think. If you see him before you settle it, it's likely that you'll be influenced by whatever excuses he tries to foist off on you.

The ONLY acceptable response from him when you ask him why he slapped your bum is "There is no excuse, I totally fucked up, I was 100% wrong. I should never, ever have done that. I will get help to try and figure out why the hell I did that. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again". Anything short of that is not acceptable. Not 'I don't know what came over me', 'I was angry and lost control' (because not all angry people lash out) and especially not 'you made me angry'.

Lex234 · 03/12/2019 19:43

Fuck that OP. If he lacks sufficient control IN PUBLIC to not physically assault you, what is he capable of in private. I cannot think of a more worrying red flag. You are worth more than being humiliated like this. I wonder if he would have seen it the same way had you slapped him.

MitziK · 03/12/2019 19:45

Like we used to give children.

Why don't we do it anymore? Because it's not acceptable to be violent towards children. Because they now have protection from physical abuse like adults do. Because it's a sign of a violent prick and usually gets worse as the child grows older - if they didn't obey immediately after the slap, it would get harder. If they still resisted/defied, it would turn into one round the face/side of the head, or change into punches or being hit with a slipper, a shoe, a wooden spoon, a metre stick or a whip.

He's a violent pig who thought he was secure enough to hurt you to ensure you obeyed him next time.

You could dump him by text, you could block him (my preferred option), or - you could stay and see how he punishes you when there aren't any potential witnesses.

Chercando · 03/12/2019 19:47

YANBU!! Whatever the intention he had behind doing it, the fact is that it has made you feel uncomfortable. What add thing for a grown man to do! And it is abusive because it’s an action that has humiliated you so don’t minimise it.
I’d speak with him as soon as possible before you start talking yourself in to being ok. If you don’t like his response then be done with the man!

Creepster · 03/12/2019 20:53

The thing about abusive men is that the mask always slips.
Pretenses are shabby things that require constant maintenance lest they melt away like papier mache houses in the rain.
Your partner's pretense was melted by "a silly argument when we were out tonight"

vivacian · 03/12/2019 21:30

You're a woman of few words OP.

oabiti · 03/12/2019 21:39

It doesn't matter where the slap was. He hit you.

Fretfulparent · 03/12/2019 23:34

You are an older experienced adult.
No one should ever chastise you by acting like you are a naughty child and they are your parent. The psychological power dynamic here is horrifying.

Original poster
bagpuss90 · 03/12/2019 23:55

I didn’t see him tonight . Im so all over the place -we had a future planned together . I am so disappointed in him and bloody hurt

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 04/12/2019 00:01

Well done for not seeing him OP. It must feel like such a shock to have to process this so give yourself time and space and be gentle with yourself.

Creepster · 04/12/2019 00:04

Violence is a deal breaker.
There just is no getting past that, is there.
I am so sorry.

CatAndHisKit · 04/12/2019 01:19

did he even try to apologise since you've cancelled today's meet-up?

Topazance · 04/12/2019 01:30

You're in shock no doubt too. That was a shitty thing to do.

Caledoniahasmyheartforever · 04/12/2019 02:20

Years ago, whilst drinking (not an excuse but I wasn’t someone used to drinking and my then fiancé, now husband was pouring me drinks which were clearly much stronger than pub measures- this explains the lack of memory and does not in anyway excuse my behaviour ) I got drunk very quickly and I don’t remember what was said to me, only that I slapped my dh across the face. I had never lifted a hand to anyone (and have never since!).

The next day I was devastated at my behaviour and I apologised profusely and swore that I would never again raise my hand or drink alcohol again. That was 15 years ago and I never have.

My husband and my brother both found the slap funny and said my dh was exceptionally rude/ cheeky and ‘deserved’ the slap. But I am zero tolerance to violence and it over stepped the line to me. I wouldn't stop apologising and even said I would understand if he wanted to end our relationship.

But that doesn’t sound like your situation, your dp seems to have felt justified in his ‘punishment’ of you and has shown no remorse! As opposed to myself - I still feel terrible for slapping my husband all those years ago. That is even with my dh finding it ‘hilarious’.

I think if you pull back from the relationship and calmly explain why - you will quickly get a glimpse of your dp’s true character. If he shows no remorse and tries to gaslight you into thinking his action was fine- that is a huge red flag!

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2019 07:23

he is thoughtful, kind, caring etc.

He was, clearly isn't now.

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