People making me feel bad for my disposable income

[vilnerf]

I've just started the 2nd year of my grad scheme (banking). Luckily I have been sent to an office that is very close to my childhood home for all of my placements. Petrol and phone are really my only bills.

I take home roughly £2400 after tax. Friends, colleagues and family are consistently making digs at me i.e I should be the one to pay or "how can you be skint". Also, I don't buy a tonne of stuff but prefer to buy decent quality products. I recently bought a designer bag (wasn't as expensive as you might expect) but received a lot of judgy comments.

Also, I've been able to save a lot and will be able to buy a house in the not too distant future. And literally no one is excited for me. Trust me I'm not rubbing my good fortune in other people's faces but it's starting to make me feel bad.

The other day at after-work drinks my colleague felt it necessary to announce to all the grads visiting from another city that I live at home and don't have to pay rent.

AIBU?

I worked my tits off to prepare for my assessment centre as I knew working for my company would not only be an amazing professional move but a great financial one also.

How would anyone know ins and outs of your finances unless you tell them?
Also moaning about being skint does not sit well when you're obviously financially comfortable.

Being skint once bills and savings have been put away is still being skint.

It just means OP is one of those savers who considers money saved to be gone, inaccessible, not theirs anymore. That's the difference between successful savers and unsuccessful ones.

Many years ago we too were perpetually skint. We had regular saving and never considered stopping them or dipping into them. We just lived within the tight budget we had set. We knew it would end after a specific time, just as OP does.

That our being skint didn't 'sit well' with DHs DB meant fuck all to us. It always struck me as odd that he even had a bloody opinion abut how we spent our money let alone thought to judge us and tell us it didn't 'sit well'. I'm not even sure I know what it means... other than the person saying it has a bit of an axe to grind.

*Nobody resents those who are grateful and graceful about admitting they've been given a huge amount of help, but most people really dislike people who take massive hand outs / help but loudly assert that they've achieved everything because they work harder than anyone else.

It's very much in the vein of Trump claiming to be a self made man..*

This. A thousand time this. This is exactly why you have had to make this thread OP. This is why you're experiencing the issues you currently are and this is why the reactions to you have not been what you wanted them to be.

It's very irritating indeed to have someone who's jumped through exactly the same hoops and done exactly the same thing to tell you that they've worked harder than you The OP never said she'd worked harder than anyone

And what's all the shit about 'Because Mummy and Daddy simply wouldn't hear of it', tiny violins, the OP not being a good banking scheme graduate because she 'can't work out how to a) negotiate and explain how important it is that you pay your way' (can't she????)

Fucking spiteful.

I thought I had a working-class/no money chip on my shoulder, but some of you lot are something else.

I thought I had a working-class/no money chip on my shoulder, but some of you lot are something else.

I'm not working class and I'm comfortable with money. I still think OP is being completely unreasonable to expect people around her to be celebrating the fact she can buy a house before any of them can afford one. If I had a friend struggling with years of infertility, I certainly wouldn't expect them to be throwing parties for me when I got pregnant. Its called sensitivity.

Nobody resents those who are grateful and graceful about admitting they've been given a huge amount of help, but most people really dislike people who take massive hand outs / help but loudly assert that they've achieved everything because they work harder than anyone else

This

beautifulstranger101, how exactly is she 'celebrating' anything?

I really don't get this. She's told one colleague (who presumably she thought she could trust) about her circumstances and that person has blabbed it to everyone else.

Plus she's given this thread info about her money situation, how her parents support her and how she contributes etc. If someone DOESN'T give a backstory they get howled at for it. She has given it and gets accused of stealth boasting and celebrating.

People need to give their heads a wobble.

I don't understand the flak OP is getting for boasting to peers who are worse off.

1. They all work in the same company, she is a newbie so presumably they are paid more. People who have been in work for several years are much more likely to have left home than someone whose just left uni and yes, like all of us they will have to pay for that. They may well have had the same parental support initially. A lot of students coming out of university with no salary for 3 years would also be in the same boat, get a job and live with your parents if you can so that you can get your own place and be independent. Yes. She is lucky that she's in that position, but it doesn't make her a Made In Chelsea trust fund baby.
2. these "peers" are the very people who love going to expensive resturants - and she's obviously said she didn't want to go and they kept pressing her until she said "I can't afford it" - meaning she's saving for a deposit to fix the very thing she's being criticised for at work - living with her parents. She hasn't learnt to deal with these situations yet, but hopefully she is now. Whether her parents support her or not is none of her colleagues business but as a new, younger person in a competitive office in an industry where people thinking about money a lot, it is probably quite difficult to keep information to yourself if people ask you direct questions and then run off tell everyone else. OP is truthful - too truthful - when people ask nosey questions, and gives out far too much personal information. Her last post reads like someone who is regularly in the position of someone who has to justify themselves ( sounds like this is also the case with her cousins and aunts) and hasn't yet got the experience to realise that she doesn't have to explain, apologise or justify herself in such great detail to anyone. This is something most people learn in their first jobs and she' is learning it now I hope. The cat is out of the bag but she now needs to keep schtum about money and personal stuff at work and standup to people. I think this often happens with women who have been consistently told to be "nice" and "polite" and "co-operative" they should be teaching assertiveness at schools instead, but that is another can of worms..

I think it's a mistake to tell people you can't afford to go out! When clearly it's not the case that you can't afford it - instead you are choosing to save money. That's fine and admirable - but it's not at all the same as not being able to afford something, and suggesting that it is comes across really badly. There are people who can't afford to go out and get a drink because they literally don't have any money in their account left after paying rent and bills. Since you are in such a privileged position financially, it comes across quite badly to equate your position with that one (even if unintentionally).

I also don't really get why anyone else should be excited that you get to save money by living rent free and will shortly be able to buy your own property. That's great for you, but no one else owes you any "excitement".

I suggest that when you decline things, you simply explain you are saving for a house deposit and not say that you can't afford it. Or just say you have other plans.

Also when you are on a grad scheme, I think that you have to see some socialising as part of the experience. Drinks after work are important in a lot of office cultures and if you want to get on in your organisation I do think you want to be seen as a joiner-in. I would suggest going along sometimes and sticking to coke. Even if it's more money than you want to spend, you can think of it as an investment in your future career.

I suggest that when you decline things, you simply explain you are saving for a house deposit and not say that you can't afford it.
It's not people's business why the OP chooses to spend or not spend money! She doesn't have to explain a thing. Or, for that matter, lie about having other plans.

And if she 'can't afford it' due to her disposable income having gone into a savings account already, that's no different from if she 'can't afford it' for any other reason. It only matters to someone who feels like being nosy and/or bitter about it.

I thought I had a working-class/no money chip on my shoulder, but some of you lot are something else.

I’m not working class, either. Does that help your theory?

Hmm. Annoyed that I fell into the trap with this one.

YAB a bit U, OP, but I do sympathise as I remember being that age and everyone earning for the first time and the competitive skint-ness that seems to be a big thing around that time.

It’s incredibly tedious and you soon realise everyone has some things that they choose to spend their money on and some things that they’d rather skip and save the money for something else, so a lot of the ‘can’t afford it’ really means ‘I choose not to spend my money on that as I’ve spent it/plan to spend it on something else’. There’s also nothing more irritating than someone saying ‘I’m so skint I had to dip into my savings!’ because having savings is the very opposite of being skint!

The best thing is to try and keep your finances to yourself as much as possible. Just smile and say ‘yes I know I’m very lucky’ when it comes up. If they want to do something expensive and you’re not interested then just say not thanks, not really my thing’ rather than ‘sorry I’m skint’ and it will hopefully get people’s backs up much less. Some self awareness does go a long way too though and you do need to recognise that by saving you from paying rent in an expensive area your parents might be saving you many hundreds a month while some of your colleagues could be spending half their take-home pay in rent. So it will really piss people off if you appear to be patting yourself on the back about saving so carefully for a house when most of that money comes from the rent your parents have saved you from paying. Just tread carefully around that subject.

And don’t expect your colleagues to be ‘excited for you’ about buying a house, that’s just silly. Listening to other people talking about buying houses is boring AF, doubly so when you have no prospect of buying a house yourself in the next decade!

@darlingnikita

Quoting the OP: "so, I've been able to save a lot and will be able to buy a house in the not too distant future. And literally no one is excited for me."

I'm curious what "noone is excited for me" means in reality. Clearly, she has been going around telling people about the house because if you are expecting people to be excited for you, you have to TELL THEM first. She's not even buying a house now! she said "in the near distant future"- she's not moving into a house tomorrow and expecting a housewarming celebration, she's buying a house somewhere down the line "in the future" and expects everyone to be "excited for her". LOL

astralweaks, I didn't mean that anyone being a twunt on this thread has to be working-class

beautifulstranger, the OP says quite clearly that she was hoping her FAMILY might be pleased/excited for her, not her friends/colleagues. I don't think that's unreasonable. It also means these aunts etc are tacitly criticising her parents for their decision to let the OP live rent-free to save, which isn't very good behaviour either.

I find it very hard to believe that OP's parents are encouraging her and offering her to stay with them rent free and no bills and encouraging her to save up for a house but then at the exact same time are pouring cold water on her plans- that makes no sense whatsoever. OP said "my parents want me to save" yet at the same time they are not even remotely interested or happy she could buy a house-

Look, ultimately I think that if you are getting a negative reaction from EVERYONE around you then clearly the problem is you. If OP had a couple of friends or colleagues who were saying negative stuff then yes, I would agree its probably just bitterness/jealousy. However, if her family, and her friends and all her work colleagues are reacting in exactly the same way then yep- I believe its something to do with the way she is coming across and a bit of self reflection at this point wouldn't go amiss. Self reflection is a way of improving yourself and your relationships and we should all do it really, not just OP.

I'm instantly suspicious of anyone who has a problem or the same exact issue with every single person they encounter because usually this indicates that the issue is with them, and not others.

When clearly it's not the case that you can't afford it - instead you are choosing to save money. That's what makes a successful saver! The money is gone, does not exist. That's what all the current Pay Day is Save Day adverts are about!

I have never understood why savers get such a hard time here... as though choosing to put money away and then to live within the remainder isn't something we all aspire to! It happens to most people for varying lengths of time at various stages of life. We all WANT TO SAVE, don't we?

Do remember to give yourselves a very hard time when you get there and think "Oh! I don't have enough disposable cash to afford that".

clearly the problem is you Harsh but true. OP is an over sharer. She shares her thoughts and her spare cash... that does piss people off.

Decades ago I was much the same. I would choose a 'thing' to afford and would be generous with it. SIL used to take serious exception to my being a spendthrift on that one occasion whilst bowing out of many others. She didn't understand my version of budgeting. So I stopped being generous, wouldn't buy the table any expensive cheesy chips, etc. Shut her up a little bit, until she found something else to pick at

I was the first person in my family to buy a flat. We are a close extended family, but they had no idea about my savings, how much my parents gave me as a deposit, they didnt know I might be able to buy a flat in a few years, because a) it's none of their business and 2) other peoples house buying isn't that interesting so I didnt think to tell them about it. I have no idea if they were 'excited' or not at the prospect of me possibly buying a house in a year or 2's time! They sent me cards when I moved in. I even got some gifts!

When I bought my first home no one but me and DH were excited, although our parents were pleased for us. I didn't even mention it much around people who were struggling to buy themselves. I do think it's pretty insensitive to moan about being skint to people who have less money than you. It's fine (and sensible) to want to save rather than spend (your income won't go far if you have to move to London and support yourself) but I wouldn't complain that you "can't afford" things. You can afford them you're just (wisely) choosing not to buy them.

It seems harsh but if you say everyone is having the same negative reaction to you it's unlikely they're all jealous (particularly your own parents who are supporting you at present). It's more likely you're accidentally annoying everyone.

I was the first person in my family to buy a flat
Clearly thats not true I meant among my cousins and siblings!

I find it very hard to believe that OP's parents are encouraging her and offering her to stay with them rent free and no bills and encouraging her to save up for a house but then at the exact same time are pouring cold water on her plans
You don't need to believe it; it's not the case. The OP says ' My family (mostly cousins, aunts etc) know I've had to really work for this and the catty comments are hurtful.' My bold.

Oh my goodness!! Very nasty people on this thread! Should she not answer a question if asked? Should she lie to protect the other persons feelings? She can do whatever the hell she wants. What about her feelings? What about the wise choices she's making to create a stable life for HER future? With fantastic support from her family. I never once seen where she wrote or came across as UNGRATEFUL!!

I hope to make my children's life as conformable and happy as your family makes yours because our kids (these days) are forced into life without proper guidance. You seem like a level headed person. Don't let negative posters get to you and also pull the life out of you. You asked a simple question and they made a hell of alot of assumptions..

If I have £1,000 in my bank and get asked to go out for drinks in an expensive bar, I would say no I’m skint. Meaning I’ve got more important things to save my money on. Lol