People making me feel bad for my disposable income

[vilnerf]

I've just started the 2nd year of my grad scheme (banking). Luckily I have been sent to an office that is very close to my childhood home for all of my placements. Petrol and phone are really my only bills.

I take home roughly £2400 after tax. Friends, colleagues and family are consistently making digs at me i.e I should be the one to pay or "how can you be skint". Also, I don't buy a tonne of stuff but prefer to buy decent quality products. I recently bought a designer bag (wasn't as expensive as you might expect) but received a lot of judgy comments.

Also, I've been able to save a lot and will be able to buy a house in the not too distant future. And literally no one is excited for me. Trust me I'm not rubbing my good fortune in other people's faces but it's starting to make me feel bad.

The other day at after-work drinks my colleague felt it necessary to announce to all the grads visiting from another city that I live at home and don't have to pay rent.

AIBU?

I worked my tits off to prepare for my assessment centre as I knew working for my company would not only be an amazing professional move but a great financial one also.

They are jealous, I'm jealous of you and I don't even know you.

Getting to this position hasn't come easily for me. My family (mostly cousins, aunts etc) know I've had to really work for this

If you go around saying this ^ sort of thing, then I'm not surprised you are pissing people off tbh.

I know lots of people that work hard but aren't on your kind of money 10 years into their career.

I know lots of young graduates that work hard and have been unable to find a graduate job.
I know a few who had to move to London and end up paying £1K a month in rent to flat share.
Of course you are where you are because "you worked hard"

Vilnerf, whatever you say, you can't win I'm afraid :-). I hope you're not put off posting here.

I'm not resentful towards you. I'm a parent of an adult and would not hesitate to help in any way I could as would most parents. You're doing fine, don't let it get to you.

money is just somethign that will get to anyone and everyone.and you will never say the right thing because people will see your mouth moving and simply here the script that fits in their own head.
and this comes from jealousy?
wanting to bring everyone down a level?
having their own shit circumstances and it hurts?
feeling lifes unfair?
there ARE some really ungrateful shits?
thre are some living in blighton land with no worries ever and dont talk with the awareness that others are in the crap?
money often is not shared rightly and people hit shit creek no matter how hard they try.
so many people are in poverty and its so dam hard

i think your really lucky.and im so happy for you that your parents can help.its amazing.and to think their is one less person with money worries right now makes me feel great for you because its fucking horrible.
and with all the money in the world people can suffer.
so go for it op.just always be grateful.and be aware of others.
but no matter what you ay peope will read something else into it.

I think you are all pretty minted! We used to live as a family of 4, including paying a mortgage, on the same amount. I have put YABU as if you are claiming to be skint because you are choosing not to go to an expensive bar as you'd rather save, then you misunderstand what skint means. It's your choice not to go to the bar but it's not reasonable to say that you're skint. I expect your colleagues might be objecting to the same issue.

Skint may be the wrong word but I genuinely do not have access to the savings. I tend to say I can't afford a night out.

It's your money so if you have no access to it, it's because that's what you've chosen. Can't afford is also the wrong word. Choosing not to is the right phrasing. 'Can't afford' will also wind anyone up who has genuinely been unable to afford things.

Whilst not having to pay rent is a huge advantage, its hardly millionaire wages, just good for your age (I would love to earn that amount) ignore them but certainly don't join in with the "I have no money" conversation because even though you are sensibly saving you could access if you wanted to

My daughter did the same! A lot of envy I felt from some people. This was the only way I could help her.

Most of the OP's cohort will be spending at least £800 to rent just a room in a shared house. Obviously they have bills and food on top. Most of them won't be doing this because they are "mugs" as someone delightfully put it, but because 90% of them won't have parents living anywhere they could live for free and commute from.

The op is on a graduate scheme so everyone on the scheme earns the same. Everyone has worked exactly as hard and works exactly as hard but the OPhas chosen to tell them she's at least £1000 better off because she's in an immensely privileged position due to her parents' help.

Instead of being graceful and grateful the op tells everyone that she's worked harder than they have and therefore earned her extra £1000 of disposable income due to her "working her tits off".

She hasn't though.

She's earned her salary. The fact so much of it is disposable income is due to her parents' generosity. Effectively her parents are giving her £1000 per month minimum if she's in London.

It's taking credit for pure luck and parental generosity, then rubbing your cohort's faces in the fact you're able to buy a house when they are not, and expecting them to be happy for you and reinforce your delusion that this is due to your unique work ethic rather than luck and freebies that is pissing everyone else off.

The absolute social blindness of thinking you can tell people doing the same job as you, for the same salary at the same company that your parents effectively give you almost half your after tax salary again in freebies and that they should be happy for you because it allows you to buy a house probably a decade before those doing the same job as you, then claim not to be able to afford to socialise with your peer group who earn the same as you but have rent to pay, then be offended that they aren't happy for you is quite ... surprising.

Nobody resents those who are grateful and graceful about admitting they've been given a huge amount of help, but most people really dislike people who take massive hand outs / help but loudly assert that they've achieved everything because they work harder than anyone else.

It's very much in the vein of Trump claiming to be a self made man...

How do they know how much you earn

How do they know you dont pay rent

How do they know you're always skint?

Sounds to me like you do a lot of complaining and a lot of bragging. YABU

notnowmaybelater
What she said ^

They are also choosing to fritter away their money in expensive bars & restaurants.
OP has been lucky, they would provably also have stayed at family home if they had that option.
Ignore, keep away from these green eyed monsters.

You can afford it.

That would be like me saying I can't afford to buy a KitKat at 40p.

Of course I could but I may not want a Kitkat or prefer something else.

Don't pretend you're struggling when you're not. You sound v boastful so I'm surprised they are not so taken with you.

If nobody is excited for you that you will be able to afford a house soon, you must have told them all about it. And they know you pay no rent and have few bills. You are massively over sharing, and it's not helping. Lesson for the future.

They are also choosing to fritter away their money in expensive bars & restaurants.
All bars and restaurants in London are expensive. Just because OP is sitting in the comfort of her parents home with a dinner they have bought and cooked for her doesnt mean that her colleagues have to sit in their room in a shared house every night. They may as well enjoy themselves and do a bit of networking at the same time. They will be earning very well in the future so will be in a better position than most young people anyway. I have a friend who works in banking. She did a similar thing, but about 20 years ago. She now lives in a 3 bedroom house by herself, but her colleagues have all overtaken her in seniority because they went out to expensive bars with other people in the industry when They were younger, networked and basically 'fitted in'. I'm not saying its right. There is a ton of presenteeism and promotion based on who you know but it's not always the best policy not only not to socialise but to rub your colleagues up the wrong way in the long term in many industries.

When I was on my grad program there was an expectation that you would be a team player and fit in and some of that involved socialising.

Just be careful, assessment for these kind of schemes doesn't end at the assessment centre and your "performance" at dinners and drinks etc was noted.

a couple of the people I work with love to go to some REALLY expensive bars and restaurants and I will say I can't afford it

Just because you have disposable income, as in have no compulsory bills doesn't mean that it is all available to spend on buying rounds at rip off bars and restaurants. It's good to think about whether something is value for money to you, even if you have the money available.

Maybe say that you're trying to save for a house deposit, which is true and think that the bar they want to go to is not worth the money? If you're local and they're from out of town, maybe suggest some cheaper places to go to?

After all, you'll have equally a good time in the company of the people you are with, whether a drink costs X or 2X.

You must recognise you are in a privileged position? This should be a good lesson for you to keep quiet about personal information in future, especially in a professional environment.

Ps - barely anybody cares about another person's plans for buying a house.

My daughter did the same! A lot of envy I felt from some people.

You interpret it as envy, but do you know it for a fact? I don't think the OP's peers are envious. They're probably just aghast and find the OP's statements rather off-putting and disingenious.

They probably look at OP telling them all about her salary, her rent-free life, her "I can't afford it" untrue statements and think, hang on Little Princess Vilnerf, that's not true so stop pretending it is. They might think "lucky you" in some small way as she brags about not having any rent to pay, no bills, and her plans to buy a house in a couple of years, when most people her age are self sufficient or at the very, very, very least making a contribution to their parents, but that's not envy, nothing nasty.

As others have said OP, you've decided for some reason to share details of your privileged position with peers of yours who you know are not so privileged. For you to bleat "I can't afford it" really will stick in their throats. There seems to be a common thread in all that you've said and done of a lack of decency, a lack of thought for others.

One doesn't contribute to one's parents who are paying for the roof over your head, pay for all your bills, keep you warm and safe, buy and put food on your table, because they need the money. It's got very little to do with the actual money. One does it because it's the decent, right, honorable, respectful thing to do. Sponging as an adult is not appealing. your peers get that. Telling them "I can't afford it" as you sponge and save, whist they struggle and sacrifice to look after themselves, pay their own rent, pay for their food and bills, is plainly ridiculous of you.

Don’t tell anyone you have no bills to pay. How does this topic of conversation ever come up? I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone I have bills to pay.

At first I was on your side, but having re read what you wrote- you say "literally no-one is excited for me" about buying a house. I'm sorry but what are you expecting? There are many people who have to pay private rent that is really high, are on low wages and are struggling even to pay bills and for food, yet you expect them to hang out the bunting because you can afford to buy a house outright? You're in a VERY privileged situation- acknowledge that and I'm sure the responses to you will miraculously turn around. You want people to celebrate your financial good fortune but are you celebrating the good fortune of those co workers you mention who eat out at expensive restaurants? how are you celebrating their wealth? If you aren't, then why on earth would you expect it from others? Some of these reactions probably are from jealousy but when you are struggling to make ends meet and have all the stress and anxiety from that, people can be excused if they aren't throwing a party for you because you can buy a house. I think you need to practice a little more gratitude here.

Hi OP

I would guess this is related to your career choice rather than just the money (though I guess the money is an important element and everyone always over estimates what some professions earn eg doctors - look at the recent row where the doctor had to show his pay slip to prove he wasnt in the top 5%). Its not too long since the last financial crash caused by the banking industry getting greedy and reckless and it was the public that ended up paying for it while the top guys at the banks were left with millions despite fucking up the economy for a generation.

Although not your fault and nothing to do with you, you have gone into an industry with a reputation for people earning stupid money on the back of other peoples money and not really caring about them. I'd guess it's part that, and part jealousy that you dont pay rent and will be able to buy a house where most people unless they have help with a deposit will be stuck renting for decades no matter how hard they work. Again not your fault but they are probably angry at a system where they will be stuck renting for years and you are an easy scaoegoat

Thanks for the replies. Some assumptions have been made which are completely wrong.

I do cook meals for the family (prob 3x a week and I try to make them a bit fancier than what I would have made pre-employment).

My mum and I will go do the food shop on Sat mornings and I often take my card out (with every intention of paying). She always refuses so I get her coffee/pastries most weeks.

Also, I have paid for her manicures, massages etc to show my grattitude. My mum and dad tell me they hate me spending money on them but I regardless.

I contribute to household chores - definitely do more than my younger siblings.

I do socialise but limit this to a couple of times a week and I do consider myself generous - e.g bought outrageously expensive chips for the table to nibble on last Friday. I'm eally not money obsessed - the designer handbag was a bit of a treat and I ummed and ahhed for days.

Also, I know it sounds like I'm going around boasting about my financial position but all I have ever done is answer questions others have directly asked. I now it would have been a good idea to be economical with the truth. I'll be more tactful going forward.

I've never claimed to have worked harder than the other grads, my point was that I truly wanted to end it all not too long ago so for some friends/family members to portray my life as one big gift is inaccurate and hurtful.

I also did not have my tuition paid for me.

And yes I do recognise that I am fortunate.

Am in a similar position to you, I get the same comments regularly if it makes you feel better. I think people are incredibly rude to comment on how others spend their own money. You shouldn't have to justify your choices. I just ignore people now or tell them I think they're being rude if they do make comments now. It's never crossed my mind to comment on how other people spend their money, honestly baffles me.

I only told one colleague who asked me when I expected to move out of the family home. For some reason she told the other grads of my plans. I don't expect them to be happy but I was hoping for a different response from my family members.